My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

This all sounds awful OP. You sound exhausted and ground down by your partner and boss (why is your boss even getting involved?)

You gave birth 5 months ago and are already back in FT work, no wonder you're finding it hard. Your partner is meant to support you emotionally, financially and physically when you have a baby, not play the 'look at me dong 50/50' card (when actually he's not as he hasn't been through pregnancy and childbirth).

Listen to your mum and friends. Scoop up your baby and move out. Can you go and stay with your mum? He's trying make sure you stay put with threats of custody battles and making you pay rent even if you don't live there any more. Ignore these threats and just go.

And please ignore the poster who told you this is normal. It's not.

Bloody hell, what on earth did you see in him in the first place because he sounds vile!
Could you go and stay with family for a bit to get some rest and get your head together?

@Glo13 when my dd was pregnant and tired out one day she napped and watched tv and the house was not touched.
When her dh got home she said I'm sorry I've done nothing today.
My lovely sil said
Yes you have, you've been growing a baby and that's harder than anything I've done today.

You see the difference. That's a good partner.
Your's is a dick.

I suspect you are living in a country with ridiculous short maternity leave hence why you are back at work.
If you are where I think you are you have much better laws on child maintenance than to UK so I would be doing my sums as to whether you would be better off leaving him.

What don't you understand about people being different?
But I'd have a guess that what isn't helping op is that she gave birth 5 months ago and went back to work before recovering from it.
She's also dealing with the emotional trauma of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Also, regardless of all this, people aren't robots and therefore have different requirements to not feel exhausted.

@Glo13 your burn out is possibly caused by being in a relationship that, at best, is very hard work, at worst abusive. You possibly aren’t realising how much this man is affecting you, and you are putting your exhaustion down to broken nights. Please get as much support from your loved ones as possible. You cannot progress with this man, you will feel so much lighter without him. Men like him don’t generally want 50/50 after a split, they do it to avoid child maintenance, whilst their mother or the next woman in line does the childcare.

You need to look elsewhere for support and sanity and self esteem. Do you have family nearby that can support?

Is your job role easily transferable to a different company? I would start by extricating your self from working together and gradually move away from your partner's influence.

He is not your friend, he sounds like a very negative presence in your life. Don't expect support and care from him any longer, he won't give it. Build yourself up in other areas of life.

Ultimately you should leave him.

You’re in the hardest bit now and this will improve as your sleep does. Do you have to be back at work so early? Obviously if you aren’t happy then you should leave and his way of arguing sounds emotionally stressful and gaslighting is emotionally abusive.

To be honest though I’m going to go against the grain here and ask why a 50:50 financial and parenting split is bad? It protects you in the event of a break up, ensures baby is bonded well to you both, and many posters spend their days on here complaining their DH does nothing. I’d also be very unimpressed with a partner quitting a job that provides part of our family income without prior discussion. A baby doesn’t mean that a man or the taxpayer should enable you with the ability to work less.

I'd take my baby and run. He's abusive. Even if he applied for 50/50 custody there's no guarantee he'd get it - I certainly wouldn't be staying where someone treated me like that just in case.

So sorry you're going through this

Do see your doctor and get some blood tests done. In particular Hb, ferritin, vit D, B12 and Thyroid function. Tell your doctor what is going on.

I think OP is in Australia where 50/50 parenting is A Big Thing. Is that right @Glo13 ?

Why did you go back to work so soon? I suspect that is a large factor in why you are struggling.

What is it that you are struggling with the most? I don’t think we have enough info to know whether this is “normal” burnout where two people are doing their best to parent on very little sleep, or if you are in an abusive relationship.

I was thinking this too. Surely if he takes on more than half the childcare, while also working, he’ll be more tired than OP. Isn’t 50-50 a fair distribution of domestic labour, unless OP is working more hours than him?

50/50 is a big thing in the UK too, sadly.

I think wherever OP is, she's got to consider it's likely he could get 50/50 (especially if he's claiming to already do it but as other state it's probably not based on mental load).

The "full custody" stuff he's spouting is just a load of rubbish. That won't happen unless he could evidence OP is a seriously abusive and incompetent parent, which doesn't sound like is the case. Thresholds are seriously high and he's not just going to "go for full custody" and get it as we all know. Incredibly rare and there have got to be serious issues for that to happen. It's just a threat to control you.

I think if OP leaves her DP, even if he doesn't eventually get 50/50, her life will so much better as it will remove the "mental load" she is carrying due to his abuse. She will be able to make her own decisions regarding work and how she manages her life, without pressure from him.

Even if OP is in Aus I'd imagine there is some sort of support similar to our universal credit system which can help her get back on her feet.

If she pays half the rent now, maybe she will able to afford a small 1 bed flat on her own? I would happily share a room with my baby or small child for as long as necessary to get back on my feet (I actually share with my toddler at the moment).

This.

Can I just say as well making you do all of this 50/50 of everything financially and physically in these early stages (you have just given birth!), is just so abusive. You are physically recovering from birth and this takes around 2 years to get back to normal.

Even if he is truly doing 50% of everything, you are naturally going to be more exhausted than him! I also think poorly of men who take part of their wife/girlfriends maternity leave- it's time for mum to recover!

Where does anyone say he is doing more child care than OP? He isn't.
He earns a LOT more than she does but expects her to pay exactly half of all living expenses.
She had a second job in order to earn enough to contribute her half. But she had to give it up due to exhaustion due to being pregnant.
They each work 40 hours per week.
A kind, decent partner would divide contributions according to income. That would be a start. He would also realise that growing and birthing a human takes a toll that men cannot understand.

In almost all circumstances, if your friends and family start staying you are being abused, listen to them.

The exceptions are:
They are generally hostile about everyone in your life.
They are known to have poor judgment.
You have just given them a very one-sided version of events in order to vent, so they are agreeing with you that he's being shit.

If none of the above apply, please, listen to your family and friends.

Did you miss the bit about him being emotionally abusive (to the extent that family and friends have commented on it)?

And buying himself presents with all his spare cash, which he keeps for himself and refuses to share with his wife and child?

And observing that his wife is obviously on her knees with exhaustion but refusing to adjust his 50/50 expectations because, you know, quotas gotta be met?

This is not a mutually supportive couple struggling to get through a tough period, this is a man dictating terms with little to no regard for what his wife (who’s just grown and birthed a human being) actually wants or needs.

Sorry, I meant 50/50 parenting in an active sense, not about what happens when parents split.

I think OP is saying she wants her partner to do MORE than 50 %, not less. I could have misunderstood though.

Thats why I’m asking what specifically she is finding difficult. Sleep deprivation is horrendous but it seems like DP is taking his share? Maybe he isn’t?

Of course you're burnt out. I am very surprised he isn't too. In the UK you would still be on maternity leave as it is recognised that 5month old babies need full time care.

So - you are both working full time AND caring 50/50 (exact split - I take it you're not BF) for a baby?

He is an abuser. Financially as well as emotionally. He is also vile, a bully and a complete cunt. I am very sorry for you that you didn't spot this. LTB.

Obviously this post is written from an American perspective. If you’re struggling with tiredness I suggest you have a chat with your gpt.

Pop over to see your mum and don't go back - or at least until you both understand that you can't function in your partnership in a transaction way and until you have got yourself a new job so not working in the same place. Dad's have to step up through pregnancy and first year in financial support. The reward is a happy family afterwards

If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

If this is the worst case scenario, it is better than the current situation. At least you’d be away from this fucking dickhead. And, assuming that you trust him to take care of your baby, you would get some time to yourself and full nights of sleep, so working so much wouldn’t feel as hard. The time you have your baby would be just you two and without the unpleasant presence of your twat partner lurking around penny pinching.
I really feel for new mums in the USA- I imagine you had to return to work long before you were ready to leave your baby.
Take care of yourself! Because your partner certainly isn’t taking care of you.

He's not your partner, he's your room mate.
I know it is easy to say and hard to do but there is no point staying with him. Your unhappiness will eat you from the inside out and that's no good for either you or your baby.

He sounds truly awful