My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

Take a hint. I’m not indulging you further.

Ok then. 😂

Because the PP is absolutely right. They were doing nothing different from what you were doing on the thread.

The world isn't set up for women to earn as much as men. There's a gender pay gap worldwide. So it's entirely feasible that she has to work harder to put more money in. That's not to mention that she has to work in a poisoned environment where her "D"H has had him moan so she has to go into a situation loaded against her. I think I'd find that exhausting even if I'd been blessed with straightforward births and recoveries.

To the poster who says she needs medical help, do you think she has a partner who would support that? He has, after all, threatened to take all custody away from her if she doesn't fulfil his standards.

It is true. You are misunderstanding the difference between leave and pay. You are legally entitled to 12 months maternity leave. How much pay depends on your job benefits, but is completely different to how much leave you are entitled to, which is what the question was.

as an also completely irrelevant point as your anecdote, I dont know anyone who didn’t take 12 months. All the nurses i know took 13 as they had holiday on top.

Yeah you’re right that they are different things but I think on this post and on MN in general that there are a lot of people communicating this point to people in other countries as though we get paid leave for a year in the UK. No one would choose to go back as early as the OP if they could afford to be at home.

MN is also the land where everyone’s DH earns circa six figures so the anecdotes will be skewed 😅. I’m glad the people you know can afford 12-13 months though, everyone should have that. I’ve only got one nurse friend so I couldn’t say what’s normal there, she took 9 months the first time and 7 the second time. I’m a teacher and the longest leave a colleague has taken in my 11 years at my current school is 9 months.

UPDATE: I left and there was physical abuse

thank you to all who commented and gave advice.
I left him today. I realised I didn’t feel emotionally safe and there was no way for him to compromise on anything, or care about me. While he was at work, I took all my things in the car and went to my mums, wrote him a heartfelt letter along with a bottle of jacks, explaining the reason I left in that way and not in person is because I was scared of him (emotionally scared, there’s never empathy and is straight up attacks when I’d mention leaving or wanting compromise. After one of our fights he hid his things and he assumed I would tamper with it even though I don’t think that way, but realised that he likely does) but because I wasn’t sure if it was abuse or just toxic disagreeance, I was being kind and empathetic and reassuring him he would get time with his son and I wouldn’t make it hard on him, in fact encourage to see him on my scheduled days for a few hours as well as his days so he maintains that connection and feels that he isn’t missing out.

he didn’t take it well and drove to us straight away, demanding to see our son. I said I’m not ready to face him and said he’s there for him, so I let him.
then he kept swearing at my mum when she followed behind him to see where he’s taking him. Said he’s not bringing him back until she leaves, so she left and we let him spend time alone. After about an hour, he demanded for the apartment key back. (I’m paying half the rent for another 5 months, my name is on the lease and some big items are still there) I am firm on not returning the key if I’m continuing to pay, and he was bargaining our son for the key, wouldn’t give him back to me without it. I wasn’t having it, and told me to ‘come and get him then’ so I walked up to him to take our son and he started running and turning away, I ran after him and that grabbed and ripped his shirt, and he backhanded me hard while holding our son. I didn’t exactly retreat immediately and went a bit nuts after that as I couldn’t believe he did that and my mother hit him after he hit me. He then had the nerve to say I hit first - I was stopping him from running away with my son by grabbing him during a heated time, he already knew I was scared and he used it against me. In my letter I even said I didn’t want this to happen and I want a soft supportive love. All he had to do was show some empathy at any point for me to stay.
The police are now involved. Wondering which path to take now.

I have 3 police issued no contact days now, but I need to figure out my next steps right now.

You have been very brave @Glo13. Take the next few days to let everything sink in.💞

Oh my goodness op, you need advice surely you need to safeguard your son, get a restraining order put in place to keep him away to give you some breathing space to continue with separation/ divorce,

You're very brave @Glo13 and he is showing his true colours. I'm so sorry.

I hope you stay safe