My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

Once children come along it's not always possible for everything to be a neat & tidy 50/50 - especially in the first few months when the woman is still physically recovering from pregnancy and birth. That was solely on the OP and it boggles my mind that there seems to be zero acknowledgement of that or consideration from OP's 'D'H.

You bought his child into the world OP but he's content to see you run into the ground because god forbid he step up in other ways to help you catch your breath.

I'm not usually sweary but happy to make an exception here - he's a selfish and cruel twat. Dump and run OP.

@SplitEndHunter some people don't have that discussion. Some people are starting at -5 in life because of an abusive upbringing , illnesses , disabilities and possibly unknown autism/adhd. Some people don't know that having that conversation is important until it's too late. It happened to me as a young mum. Please try not to judge.

He sounds like he has just the kind of personality that if you left, would make your life unbearably miserable with his demands and list of criticisms. I would stay put and see if it eases as your child ages. What I absolutely WOULDNT do is have another child with this man. Belt and braces with the contraception OP.

absolutely. And yet when couples are separated and sharing children 50/50, there are screams of 'greedy bitch' if there is an expectation that the ex pays more because he earns more.

Does he realise what a huge physical effort pregnancy, buirth and the first year post-partum can be on a woman's body? Women still die or end up with life-changing injuries or disabilities from pregnancy & birth.

Maybe he needs a doctor or health visitor to speak to him - not in an emotional way, but in a rational, scientific account of what your body has done and what your body is still doing. And - sexist as it is - maybe he needs a man to tell him this, and tell him to stop being an utter dick. (sorry, but some men only listen to other men, not even their supposed life partner).

Do you breast feed?

But in the end, he doesn't sound like a partner. He sounds like someone doing a business deal.

Thank goodness you're not married.

I’d look into getting rid of DH personally. He’s an arsehole and that will not change.

Maybe.

If he's genuinely contributing as much as OP when he has the baby, I'm not as convinced.

And how does he earn $700 more A WEEK than you? What job does he do??

OP is in Australia, they get 18 weeks paid maternity leave through the government over there and a year unpaid through their employer. Not great. And a higher cost of living.
Edit. Bloody classic of an abusive partner though, isn't it? Saying he'll go for full custody. Nob.

Because night feeds are the only factor in being a good husband.

It sounds like my expectations are rather higher.

I said contributing as much as OP. How does that mean night feeds only?

No she’s not. Its sounds more like the USA
Australians get 22 weeks so (5 months), 4 weeks annual leave and most companies offer their own form of maternity leave on top of that.
And a year of unpaid.
If she was in Aus she would still be on mat leave.

If you were my daughter, I'd have you home in a jiffy.

All that should matter at this point is that his partner, mother of his newborn, is not coping. Anyone that callous throughout pregnancy/birth is not worth being with.

I do pray you're not planning (leaving yourself open) to have more children with him.

Did you actually read any of the Op?
“A sensible conversation”? Really?
Do you realise that this will never happen . The man doesn’t care . Simple. .

Since when is a 5 month old a newborn?

Leave him, then at least you'll get unbroken sleep when he has the baby. Life will be a lot easier!

Since the baby's mother is still shattered and in need of more recovery time.

My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations

They're right. Listen to them.

Being shattered doesn't make a 5 month old a newborn.

He "wants a partner and not a burden". Sorry OP, that's even hard to read. This doesn't sound like tiredness talking, it sounds like he has very unpleasant, deeply ingrained attitudes towards women and family life in general.

He also was appallingly to you when pregnant, before the sleepless nights etc.

Listen to your mum, take on board the advice here, and leave him x

Also, there's no way on earth any court would give him full custody. This is more controlling, and actually quite disgusting, behaviour from him to try and hold that over you.

Duly noted, darling 👌🏾.

They just want to pick out bits of what you said, turn your words against you so , they sound like they are right and the final authority. Not worth the breath wasted on the argument

I’m sorry, OP, he doesn’t really care about you. Imagine if you were ill, for example, would he look after you and give you a break? I think the answer is no and that’s not how a loving partner behaves.

How much longer is your lease? If it’s only a few months and he’s going to kick up a fuss about the rent, could you hang on until it’s up for renewal or becomes rolling and ask the landlord to remove you from it then?

If your family and friends are telling you that he’s abusive, listen to them. Can they all be wrong? Please take care of yourself. 💐

I agree with the partner. I wouldn't want a burden either and insist on strictly 50/50. You're an adult and he shouldn't have to sub you just because you gave birth. Provided that:

• He clearly stated all this in advance, prior to getting together and having a child;
• The household and childcare is actually strictly 50/50 and not you do everything and he just theorizes;
• And you should take it easy 6 months-ish post partum, he should cover more expenses then.

Just because he earns more than you, he shouldn't have to spend more than you on household stuff you use, because you use it equally. And if you want more nice things - go and earn it yourself, don't look at his money.

I'm a woman and a mother, but wouldn't agree to sub my partner and share my leftover money (after bills and stuff) with him. He's an adult, he can earn it himself. So I don't see why this man should.

If you don't like it - split, he won't change.