My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

End it, you’ll get through it. Can you go home to family while you sort yourself out?

He sounds vile, OP, a bully and doesn't seem to love you at all. Leave, the threats to have 50/50 custody will likely come to nothing anyway. This is no way to live, and it will only get worse if you stay with him. Sorry you're going through this, and congratulations on your first child.

What's the difference in your salaries?

Obviously, he isn't unreasonable to want a 50/50 split on everything, but if he earns loads more than you, then the financial contribution should be proportionate to your respective salaries.

What is a parenting payment?

Ahhhh I don't know with this one as baby is only 5 months old. Easy to say just leave but at the moment you are right in the thick of it, broken sleep, getting used to your new life, hormones. Personally I'd try and hold off making massive decisions like leaving without a long hard think and sensible conversations with him. This is your family at the end of the day and you don't want to LTB because you're both finding it hard at the moment.

What you're feeling and going through is normal and I think most couples have quite a shit first year with their baby. All the adjusting takes it toll.

Ask yourself some questions and ask him too

• What do you want?
• Do you still love each other?
• could someone come to your house and have the baby for the night while you both slept ?
• could you both manage if both of you dropped a few hours ?
• could one of you do the 40 hours over 5 days and the other stay at you are ?
• would breaking up actually be better for you and your baby?
• have you both given absolutely everything you can to this relationship and making it work?
• what retreats would you have if you did break up?

Your mother and friends are right, he is emotionally abusive.

You need to get out. You'll still have day to day stuff to deal with, but without him dragging you down.

He sounds awful OP. A partnership is about supporting each other, not about dividing everything exactly in half. I think you'd find things easier if you separate, even if you're doing the same amount of work and childcare as you are now, because you wouldn't have to deal with his unkindness.

He is awful, controlling and financially abusive. If your family will help you, go and stay with them for a while. Encourage him to do his 50 % amd see how he gets on. He isn't the one who carried the baby for 9 months and went through the birth. You have barely had time to recover. I know it must be awful working in the same place. If your family members can support you by helping with looking after your baby while you sleep, you will feel a bit better and be able to think straight.

Do you think he actually cares about you and your well-being? He doesn't sound like he does, just about splitting things exactly equally. A true partner wouldn't want the other person run ragged and working multiple jobs while they're buying frivolous things for themselves. That's not a basis for a healthy relationship.

Why aren’t you sleeping on the 4 nights he has the baby at night?

Ah, I had missed the fact that baby is still only 5 months old. No wonder you're exhausted.

I'm surprised that you aren't still on mat leave at this point. How long did you have off after the birth? Did he push you to go back quickly or something?

Are you breastfeeding?

How soon after giving birth did you go back to work? Have you physically recovered?

Is your baby still waking at night? Do you share that, or is it always you?

Do you need to work because you're only just able to afford the basics, or are there luxuries that could be cut?

Ultimately, you're going to be worse off if you can't work and can't look after your baby because you're burned out - if he can't see that, he cares more about the appearance of being fair that understanding that fair doesn't mean doing the exact same. You've been working for 9 months while growing a whole person - what extra has he put in to equal that effort?

He made 700 a week more than you but still expected you to pay 50% of everything. While you were pregnant. Did you get any maternity leave/ pay OP? It sounds as if you are in the US, in which case I am guessing hardly any. No wonder you are exhausted.

I’m not sure I fully understand. If he is working the same nr of hours as you and doing the same amount of childcare - why are you exhausted and he is ok? Not saying I disagree the situation needs fixing but I think I’m missing something

You need legal advice. And fast. He is abusive. He is controlling. And you are vulnerable.

if you work at the same place why are you on so much less money? Is there evidence of sex discrimination there too?

What an absolute disgrace. He can declare “equal parenting” all he wants, that’s NEVER the reality. My DH is so hands on and absolutely adores our DD but when she’s sick or teething or needing comfort, who does she want? Mum. Who do nursery default to asking for supplies when she runs out? Mum. Same with all medical appointments, dental appointments. Mum.
He’s done a fine job making you think the current burden is equal, it’s bloody well not. 5 months post partum at that with all the physical and hormonal changes your body has and is still going through. I was an anxious wreck at that stage and I was still on maternity leave, not also juggling a full time job.
He sounds terrible. This is not how a family works. And it’s all well and good him thinking he wants 50% custody, maybe he’ll try it, maybe it will work at first but when your lovely immobile baby is a rampaging toddler he might feel very differently and default to the usual every other weekend dad.
Honestly look into your entitlement. You might find with working part time and with some top up benefits you will actually be better off than you are now and under far less pressure.

Because she gave birth 5 months ago.

It took me 8 months to feel reasonably well after my first baby. I had HG, anaemia, a precipitate labour and a huge tear. Baby was light for dates and jaundiced. I was breast feeding. No way could I have gone back to work at 5 months, which was the end of Maternity leave back then. I just wasn't well enough. Some people might spring back to normal quickly, others don't.

Your mother and friends are indeed right, he is emotionally abusive. Use their support also to get away from him. Contact your local domestic violence support group.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so it is over between you and he. All he cares about is his own self and getting his needs met.

(Parenting payment is an Australian government scheme).

You are obviously in an abusive relationship. Get out of it.

And going forward too, you need a new job given both you and he work for the same company (who sound rubbish too).

Oh my god, I am so sorry.

’Being a team’ means communicating, listening, helping each other and picking up the slack if someone’s struggling. It doesn’t mean insisting on 50/50 all the time, that’s a business contract.

I complained a fair bit about my DH in the first year pp but to his credit he has said ‘the baby needs you, don’t worry about the money, what’s mine is yours, you’ll work when you’re both ready’ and never mentioned it again. It’s hard enough with the support of your partner, let alone being expected to carry so much or if you fail you’re on your own. I’m sorry.

You should leave him and move back to your mum. And ultimately find a new job where management aren't dickheads.

The second your partner accuses you of gaslighting, the relationship is basically over.

Leave him, he's abusive.

Reduce your hours until your little one is older. Claim universal credit top up if you can. You'll get help with childcare too.

My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive

I would believe them. Can you move back in with your mum for a bit? His threats are likely just that, sounds like he knows how to manipulate a situation and you're feeling bullied and unsafe. Some space might help you see the situation for what it is.

Are you both named as tenants on the contract? If it just his name he can expect what he likes