My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

You grew the baby. You birthed the baby. Your body will be several YEARS in recovering from that. How is he planning to make that 50:50? While you are recovering he needs to step up. You should both have the same money for personal spent ding each month, the rest goes in the pot to share. Equality that is also equitable means accepting we all bring something different. What would he have to pay someone to have a child?

This is unsustainable: arseholes at work, arsehole at home.

With this level of pressure single parenting would not be worse.

Oh, tell him to go fuck himself.

Being partners doesn't mean you each contribute 50% right down to the last cent.

It means you both look after each other and care about each other's welfare.

It means not going on weekends away and buying a guitar when the woman who has put her own health at risk to bear your child is struggling to make ends meet.

He's not your partner, he's a selfish shithead.

What is the difference in your salaries @Glo13? I think that is highly relevant information to his 50/50 finance request.

If you left and he wanted 50/50 then at least you would get half a week sleep.. he’s a room mate you have sex with op not a husband

Oh I dunno maybe because she actually carried, birthed and breastfed the baby and some women take time to recover?

Him wanting everything to be 50:50 is dumb. It can't ever be. You did 100% of growing your baby inside you and birthing him. You have already given more than he ever will. He has a massive debt he owes you, so he needs to grow up and stop bleating about his imaginary 50:50 split.

I would leave him too. He sounds horrible. I couldn't be with an unkind man. What sort of person would see a mum wanting to spend more time with their 5 month old as "wanting to do nothing." It's a very sad way of thinking to place value only on money and not the baby.

Even proportionate to your salaries may not be fair if one person massively out earns the other and each keeping the same percentage of their income for personal spending means one person has a lot more fun money than the other.

For gods sake just dump the cunt.

Did he pay 50% of the surrogacy fees* ($100,000 usd) how about 50% of the milk ($5/oz usd)

*I suspect you didn't use a surrogate but if he's treating you like a business deal then those are the starting numbers.

Just because your "services" aren't paid doesn't mean they have no value.

If he's not willing to even listen to your point of view then the relationship is over. He can't force you to pay 50% of the rent if you're not living there. Call his bluff, he would end up paying a lot more to a series of wrap around nannies to cover his working hours if he got full custody.

My first step would be look for another job before separating .

it depends where you are it doesn’t sound like you are in the uk . But here no one would expect 50/50 at 5 months . Get legal advise .

@Msmoonpie blunt but fair.

I'd like to hear more from the op about what this prince does at home and how much responsibility he takes for his child , but only because that would help the her process how shitty her 'partner's is.

I really don't understand this 50/50 thing. You're supposed to be a team that love and care about each other. Me and my DH had a newborn, a toddler and a Reception child at one point. We decided that I would give up work and all money would go into the joint account. I did everything at home and for the kids for around a decade. I dont regret it. I've been back at work for about 8 years but money still goes into the joint account with money put in sole accounts too for individual spending.

He doesn't sound like he's part of your team and I don't think he loves and cares about you.

Run Op!
My ex partner was a narcissist and was financially abusing me. Some of the things you are describing are similar things he said and did to me.
It won’t get better.

By the end of my pregnancy my DP was paying for everything as I dropped down to two days a week at work. He supported me taking a year off work, and she’s now 2 and he still supports me only working two days a week so I can take care of her.
I didn’t even have to go back to work if I didn’t want to.
He should be supporting you while you mentally, physically and emotionally recover from pregnancy and learning motherhood.
It’s a massive red flag that you are too scared to tell him you dropped your second job and he’s threatening how he will financially abuse you if you leave him.

Is he also actually doing 50/50 of the parenting? Getting up throughout the night doing the feeds?

It's hard to say. When it's his turn to look after the baby, does he do it well? Is he fully involved? Or are you picking up the pieces when you get home from work?

It generally sounds like a good setup to me but if you aren't happy with it then some kind of compromise should be reached.

Exactly.

This is in no way 50/50, because one person took on the entirety of the reproductive labour. A decent man recognises that and understands that the woman needs to recover from pregnancy. This is particularly so if it's a difficult pregnancy, which as OP mentions she had to work less it may well have been. If OP breastfed/feeds, that also needs to be taken into account. As does any pumping she may do.

He's having his cake and eating it. Either it's 50/50, in which case he needs to factor the reproductive labour and recovery in. Or you're a team, in which case you still need to recover from the birth. I couldn't live with a man who had so little respect for and understanding of the impact of pregnancy and birth.

Baby is only 5 months old. I was in no state to be working at that point, looking back.

Can you take maternity leave?

Being a partnership does not always equal a blind 50/50 split on each and every level. It’s too black and white and assumes that days worked, days caring for children are entirely the same for each person.

If you’re married the money should be pooled and the higher earner shouldn’t be keeping money separately for themselves. Especially when the lower earning partner cannot afford to live. You are not room-mates ffs.

He sounds like a joyless, heartless prick tbh.

What happens if you are so unwell that you’re hospitalised? Will you need to work, care for children and pay 50% then?

Is he this militant about 50/50 when it comes to house work and cooking? He sounds like an absolute arsehole who has no respect for what your body has been through.

On another note, (my personal bugbear), women do not 'carry' a baby for 9 months, they CREATE a human life. Carry is such minimising language to describe the incredible thing female bodies do.

He is showing you who he is and showing you that he has no understanding of or care for you. I'm sorry you are in this and I know how hard it is to see a way out.

"you have to go back full time or it's unfair. If you go part time so will I"
" Your working hours are inconvenient and you have to change your job"
"You owe me £3 as I spent more than you on holiday"
"It's not fair unless everything is exactly the same for each of us" ...except it never was, as I was the one giving birth, breastfeeding,doing the entire mental load.

Finally, I left . Magically, 50/50 wasn't such a big deal when it was slightly inconvenient for him to have the children, when it was parents evening, when there was a school trip or uniforms to buy. Turns out he was just an arsehole. Shock.

Sorry I didn’t see that she’s breastfeeding. Obviously if that’s the case I can understand why she needs more time as presumably night feeds fall more to her and she’s having to pump for when the father has the baby etc. OP had made it sound like it was split 50/50 with partner doing an equal share of everything so I assumed baby wasn’t breastfed, must have missed where she said that she is. Obviously in that case I can see why she needs more rest than he does and that it’s not a true 50/50 split.

Blimey. What an a-hole.

I can’t bear men who argue for equality in parenting babies to the extent they disrespect motherhood. It can never be equal because he hasn’t gone through the huge physical and emotional changes of pregnancy and childbirth. He hasn’t had his nether regions stretched/torn (or the major op of a c-section), bled for 6 weeks while caring for a newborn or had milk dripping from his nipples. Are you breastfeeding?

Equity is the key, rather than equality. The first year after birth, a mother’s body needs to gradually recover from pregnancy and birth. The baby will naturally feel more comforted by its mother, as it’s recently been part of her. Bf is preferable for both mother and baby. IMHO all mothers should have the right 12 months full paid maternity leave for the above reasons. And expect lots of support from the father.

If this is his attitude, i.e. he doesn’t believe in equity and is abusive, then of course you have to leave him. I’d also look for another job, given the shocking attitude of your employer towards a women who’s only 5 months postpartum. ‘Pretend to be happy’. FFS, have they not heard of PND?

Don’t be threatened by this man. Get advice on your rights via a domestic abuse agency. Leave and apply for full custody. Apply for all the financial assistance you can get, so you can spend as much time as possible with your baby.

Regardless of whether OP has/is bf or not, the pregnancy and birth alone mean this isn't a true 50/50 split. She's done 100% of that, and her need for recovery has to be factored into any calculation. It clearly is not being. Her DP is freeloading off her uterus.

To me it sounds like he wants a ‘team’ but only on his terms (which sounds more like a dictatorship). A real team adjusts and seeks to accommodate everyone’s needs. You’ve only just given birth 5 months ago! Physically and mentally you need time, love and support. He’s not being kind and he’s not listening to you. This is not a team mate or loving partner. If those close to you are saying he is abusive, he likely is. You may find it hard to see it because he’s done a good job in gaslighting and controlling the narrative. People at work don’t see it because he’s led the narrative there too. Completely unreasonable that you’ve had to pay 50/50 when he earns $700 extra a week. My DH and I split things proportionate to income and have each carried more of the financial load when it was needed to support each other. He says less than 50/50 is not unacceptable, he’s not your boss. Your DP really sounds quite horrible. He has threatened to go for full custody- he is showing you who he is. Believe him. And leave. Plan practically how to leave and those who love you will support you. You deserve so much better.