My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

You need a proper break.

Leave this man and take some time out to spend just you and your baby and help from mum and friends.

He sounds like all he cares about is money.

He sounds like he has no love or joy in him. What a miserable man.

how long did you actually get off on mat leave (pre and post birth)? have you actually recovered from the birth?

he sounds like a financially and emotionally abusive bastard. this is a really difficult time but to pretend that you're in the exact same position is nonsense when you earn less than him and you're the one that had a baby...

Let's not stick the boot in while OP is in need of some kindness.

@Glo13 please don't focus on what he says people at his work reckon you should be doing. Either he has made up what they say to fit with his arguments or he has given them his side of things but regardless it doesn't matter.

What does 50/50 in regards to the baby actually mean at the moment. are there nights when you get a full nights sleep because he is doing the waking up? if you are doing each night 50/50 maybe switch to a night on a night off each.

I'm sorry did your partner carry a child for nine months and give birth? All these men who parrot on about 50/50 are arseholes. That only has the potential to work in relationships without children.

You have only just given birth. You are still recovering. You need MORE rest than him. And he will be angry you have quit a second job?!

He is an absolute waste of space. And I'd find another job while I was at it too-why is your boss involving himself in your personal life?

Obviously OP is not in the UK. Probably American.

There are two issues: equal time and equal money.

For equal time, it is fair that you both work the same hours per week, do the same amount of housework (does he do his share properly?), and have the same time to yourself for leisure.
BUT it can't work out equal if you a) are still recovering physically and need more rest and b) are doing the nights and feeds, especially if you are breast feeding. In these cases, he needs to be giving you more rest and sleep time.

For equal money, it is not about putting exactly the same amount into the joint pot, it is about having equal personal spending money after all joint and baby costs. So if he earns more, he puts more in to the household, so that you both have e.g. £100 going into your personal accounts for saving or spending on non-household or non-essential things.
If he is earning more, but only paying 50% of household and child costs, then he is better off than you and this can be called financial abuse. It shows that fundamentally he is not considering you both as a team, but is thinking in terms of her money and his money.

@Glo13 You need financial advice from your own country. UK posters aren't going to be able to advise you as in the UK mothers would likely still be on maternity leave.

"Thank you - I’m not sure he ever has truly cared for my wellbeing, he said he wants a partner and not a burden"

@Glo13 what would happen if you became seriously unwell and couldn't work for a while? Would he just toss you away as you were not contributing?

It takes more than a financial contribution to make a relationship work OP, and men like him have forgotten that. Relationships are not meant to be transactional like this. You are worth more than a payslip.

NO ,,,,50-50 parenting IS NOT a fair distribution of domestic labour 5 months after giving birth!!!!

The father should be picking up more of the financial, working and domestic support in a time of need, given he’s not the one who’s body has been drained by growing a baby.

THAT’S how a loving partnership works, because YOU CARE.

You fill in the gaps for each other as and when one person is more needing of support than the other.
He doesn’t care for you OP.

Do seriously consider your options / counselling. What are the dynamics in his family/siblings/parent. They will serve as a lesson

So when you went through the pregnancy and the birth and all that entails what’s his contribution to match that ? I’d say he owes you a good 30k for that
make that arsehole cough up

what a pathetic excuse for a man

you live in rented and aren’t married ?
tou sold yourself short havjgn a child with this prick

but that’s done now so time to move on id say

If you have a 5 month old baby am sure you're on maternity leave and your salary has almost halved?? He's vile and abusive is he doing night feeds? Breastfeeding?? Has sore nipples??can't sleep anyway due to hormones?? You're better off moving out to live with your mum for now.

This is abusive. He doesn't care about you.

Regarding the 50:50 for everything, did he do 50% of the pregnancy? No. He fucking didn't. 50% of any breastfeeding? No. You and your body have been through the wringer and he doesn't care at all. He should nurture and love you. But he sees you as a cash cow that must pay out regardless.

You should leave now. 50:50 custody. Fine, he doesn't have to pay you - get family support. Can you move in with your mum whilst you get onto your feet? Your family and friends might be very relieved if you leave him.

Anyway. If you do decide to leave him, get your plans sorted out before telling him.

@toomanytocount2025
Did you read the OP? He outearns her by £700pw! but still expects her to pay 50/50 to the point she has two jobs?
He sounds a fuckin delight eh

So he gets the final say in everything, why?
You are a grown woman.

You do what you need.
Organise with work to do one less day a week and organise your life as you see fit.

When it comes to contributing, work out what you should be giving and only give that.

He can be bothered but he can't physically make you go to work that extra day and he can't physically make you give exactly half the money.

Take back your power, do what you need to and he can do what he wants with that information.

This culture of full time work just after having a baby is barbaric. You are 5 months post partum for gods sake! That’s
MASSIVE. Please google ‘martrescence’ and have a listen to the motherkind podcast.

Please also look at the freedom programme - you are in an abusive relationship. You and your baby deserve so much more. What kind of relationship do you want to model to them? It will serve as a blueprint for their entire future relationships.

It’s not easy living frugally but your baby does not care one dot for material things, the only thing in the world they want is you and your time. Gabor Mate has some great stuff on this.

If he leaves you because of it, great. He didnt care about you anyway.

For those asking why the OP went back to work quite quickly after giving birth, I would hazard a guess that it's something to do with the fact her "D"P was still demanding she pay 50% of everything while on maternity leave. Not every company will pay full salary for 6 months maternity, many pay the minimum legal requirement (which may be less if the OP is in a different country as I think she is). In the UK it's £184.03 a week before tax & NI or 90% of salary whichever is the lower - that's less than half minimum wage in the UK.

She needs to recover from the birth. It's not the same for everyone. Sounds like OP is maybe in America and might have had to go back to work very quickly. If she says she's struggling physically, maybe we should do her the courtesy of believing her.

OP if you need to split everything 50-50 just like he'll want to after a divorce then why not get rid of his horrible presence and energy which is probably depressing you way more than you realise.

Sounds like you really need to change jobs if you can.

We have an 80/20 split. My wife carried and birthed our baby, gave up work to be SAHM and keeps the house going (all alongside her own health problems). That's her 80%. My 20% is working full time plus extras, making sure she has 100% access to our income, listening to what she needs, doing blokey (to us) things like DIY and car maintenance, giving her space or attention when she wants, and generally being in awe of her humanity.

I’d find a new job and leave him. He’s horrible and you deserve better. He’s not your partner yet insisting you are his, on his terms. You’re not a team. He’s saying that to keep you on his terms. Best of luck xx

You've mentioned 50/50 @Glo13 but what does this really look like with regards to parenting? Who deals with the night wakings and who makes sure that the baby goes to their appointments etc. I'm curious as reading between the lines it looks like he could be doing less than he needs to.

I do agree with pps about him being abusive. It's not okay to tell a 5 months postpartum woman to get on with it if she's struggling. It's a hard time and you need to be surrounded by people that care about you and your recovery.

I don’t know if I could stay with someone who was earning nearly $3000 a month more than me and insisted I go back to 2 jobs so soon after having a child. And made me pay 50%! He is abusive op, you need to get out if you can. You will be much happier without him but it depends if you have support in real life?

What are your outgoings going on? Are there areas of spending where you can cut back so that you can drop a days work without him having to pick up another? If you both work an equal number of days and do an equal amount of childcare I can see why he doesn’t want you to drop a days work if it means he has to pick up an extra day and lose a day with your son, he’s not unreasonable in that regard.

Why do you think you are burnt out and he is fine if you are splitting things 50/50 and therefore working the same amount and doing the same amount of childcare? Is it a genuine 50/ 50 split or are you doing more somewhere? If you’re doing the same amount it’s hard to understand why you feel burnt out and he is fine or why you think a solution where he does more than half and you do less than half is fair.

I was back at work FT when DC was 7 months so understand how relentless it can be. We both work and take care of the house, it’s fairly evenly split, occasionally I have to ask for things to be done, it gets done, no big deal. I out earn my partner, our definition of 50/50 financials is paying a proportionate amount each toward bills etc. It was never a big issue and a very easy conversation to have as we both respect and support each other.

In your case, it sounds like your partner is using his definition of 50/50 against you. It’s very unfair, he is either a horrible man, or completely ignorant to the impact this is having on you.

I think on the financials front, if you think the relationship is worth saving with this issue aside. I would just pay in what you can afford, drop the second job as you are spreading yourself too thin. He either accepts that or he doesn’t. Either way you will know the path to travel down very quickly after doing that. If this issue is part of a more fundamental problem, then perhaps reevaluate if you want to be in this relationship at all.

When I read the OP I couldnt put my finger on why it was so wrong as 50/50 sounds fair, but then I thought back to my own relationship.

In a partnership sometimes one person needs more help than the other. It could be through illness, or caring for parents, redundancy, going back to studying, or having a child. The thing that seems to be lacking here is an understanding (empathy?) that partnership doesn’t mean 50/50 all the time. It means supporting your partner when they need it most, and vice versa.

OP - do you think you can have that conversation with your partner? How would they react?