My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

I agree. Get yourself another job, away from him.

Oh op this is so sad, what should be an fabulous time making memories, enjoying being a new mum, your on your knee's emotionally and financially,

Work? Does your employer not have a ( family friendly policy) were you could reduce your hours, if not you still need to reduce them,
You need family support to help with little one, baby sitting while you sleep, or get some you time couple of hours here and there, can your child go to nursery on one of your days off so you can just catch-up on you, a bath, some sleep, read a book, go for a coffee with a friend,
It's adjusting to new routines which changes with babies needs,
Communication with other half is vital too, he is not listening,

Have you been to GP, can be tested for pnd, which might give you time of work,
Your so overwhelmed with the new changes and challenges, please get some family/ friends support, stop trying to do a full time job, this is all so new still baby only 5 months , please be kind to yourself because your p isn't

How was your birth op?

I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth and we had twins and I wasn't fully well for some months after the birth,

I'm confused about how your working pattern is going though.

We ran a system whereby my husband covered early wake ups - so I went to sleep at 6pm or so and slept till 2am, while he did any feeds in that time. He then went to bed and I took any feeds after 2am and into the daytime.

It means you both get a solid block of sleep which is much easier to cope with than a full night of completely disrupted sleep.

Can you adjust your system in any way so you get more regular sleep?

You can’t come home to unkindness and be happy. You can’t raise a child well either someone who doesn’t model care to you. The earlier you split the better. Can you go to your mums first, find a new job second and go from there?

nd he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations

He IS abusive and you should leave him.
I agree with pp above, go to your mums & don't go back - tell him it's a trial separation if that makes it easier - get some sleep & work out your strategy for ending things properly.

Also look at women's aid and refuge websites - both excellent websites with free helplines and lots of information about leaving safely.

This isn't love. Love keeps no scores.

Well you were an idiot. You gave up your body someone who doesn’t value you. Now you are connected to him for the next 18 years.

edit: quoted the wrong post. Comment at @Glo13

Are you really suggesting no matter what a man does it’s not equal? For balance - ny daughter wants daddy at bedtime. ‘Only daddy’ is her favourite phrase. He took more time off when I was working, for sickness (his work is more flexible, but still)….

I feel the issue is that he’s not being a team player financially. However… he seems to be taking 50% of the nighttime burden?

He’s being a bad partner, not a bad parent.

nothing can be 50/50 100% of the time - equality not equity etc. for example when I’m exhausted my husband does 100% of the nights. But I facilitate his work trips by doing 100% parenting - his work trips then pay our bills 100%. But at weekends we divide and conquer - I do our kid and he does our baby.

Until men carry a baby and give birth and have hormonal changes it cannot be 50/50 and all the men who expect 50/50 with a baby can piss off.

Well he didn't do 50% of growing a baby, all the effects of being pregnant then giving birth did he!
He doesn't sound kind OP and that would be a really big issue for me.

can you move in with your parents if so end it remove your stuff take your name of the tenancy if you can and let him work out how his side of looking after works

becuase is housework split 50/50

I’ve definitely considered that this could just be a hard stage and will get better eventually with more rest and as our son gets older, my main concern is his little regard for my wellbeing and unwillingness to adjust anything to the current arrangement, I’ve asked to work just one day less to recuperate but was told I’d still need to meet the 50/50 mark, and it wouldn’t be fair for him to take on an extra day and lose time with our son. Which I understand, but I’m depleted and tired of being unheard.

Even harder to spring back when you're suffering domestic abuse. He is a bully @Glo13

I was questioning my exh from pregnancy onwards. I posted here several times. He did me the world's biggest favour and split with me when our child was nearly 3. It was hell.

But a decade later, thank GOD I've not spent ten years in his prison treading on eggshells.

I would recommend you get some therapy. Not as a couple, just for you. Maybe not immediately as this might be another pressure but would help you think more clearly.

You need a job away from him and you need you and baby away from him.

Thank you - I’m not sure he ever has truly cared for my wellbeing, he said he wants a partner and not a burden and he wouldn’t expect me to take the brunt of the expenses, but I’m asking to work one day less and for him to work one day more, not permanently but until I feel fully recovered and somewhat feeling like myself, maybe another 6months to a year but that’s not acceptable.

It should always be proportionate to salary, whether that’s “loads more” or not. A small difference can be a monumental difference for some people.

OP, he’s finally abusive and you might find you’re better off, in all ways, if you leave him. This is something only you can know.

I wouldn't even get drawn into an argument about who does more. The fact is, the OP is not coping. She also seems to be accepting the premise of her partner's arguments and struggling to catch up. You can bet your life that the (D)P has chosen which 50% he is doing.

@Glo13 could say, I accept we should pay 50% of everything, but I cannot continue to subsidise a lifestyle that is beyond my means, so we will need to move to a cheaper place, we need to change our car/so to a cheaper model etc.

We have to challenge the premise of the arguments, otherwise we are just trying to be 'like men' all the time. What the world needs is many more men to behave more 'like women'

All the above is aside from the fact that OP gave birth 5 months ago, went back to work too soon X time ago. Is likely underestimating her contributions and achievements and being constantly denigrated and found wanting by the person she lives with.

In contrast OP, my husband pays for everything and fully supported me dropping down to just 12 hours a week.

He’s not a great guy is he?

Oh I love this. What a lovely man she has.

You really don't like each other do you. And your poor child is going to pick up on all your animosity.

I read this assuming he was your ex!
Sounds like he should be

He hasn’t been through a pregnancy. My god LTB!

Get the fuck away from this scumbag OP. He is emotionally and financially abusive. He clearly doesn't love or respect you. I'm so sorry.

I am not sure he needs to do more if you both do 50/50 at home and you both wanted the kid and you both work full-time, including working or paying more so you can do less. It seems like he is not on board with a division that is more towards his working and you caring for the baby, and that seems fair.

It also seems you presumed your lower-paying career is his problem, and he presumed it's not?

However, yes, you are fully entitled to a fair division of who does which 50%, and to insist on cheaper family choices if you can't follow.

And I would not want to be married to a person who has his type of attitude...

Op this is so awful, you poor thing.

I agree with the others who say sadly just walk away.

I find this obsession with payments being equal utterly repugnant when there is a child in the equation.
His obsession should be how much quality time and care his baby is getting the child he sporned who didn't ask to be brought into this world.
What are we doing as a society I worry so much about the future generations with these attitudes.

Dh and I were together for several years before dd came along as a massive surprise! We were hit with every unfortunate financial issue and suddenly had very little money, dh never once pressured me to work and was fully supportive in everything to do with dd because she was our no 1 priority.
We supported each other through me being a sham him being made redundant we are a team.

Op I'm sure you can have a much happier life without this awful man.