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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Plantatreetoday · 09/03/2025 18:39

diddl · 09/03/2025 18:31

Who looks after the dog whilst everyone is at the wedding?

Show quote history

That would still apply if dd got married nearer her grandparents.

Just to pre empt the ‘ dog might trash rental’ question. They could bring a crate.

Ashshandmaid · 09/03/2025 18:44

I'm sorry op it sounds like a won't not a can't from your parents. They sound really selfish and quite controlling tbh.

Tell your dd and she can make the decision if she will pander to them. Really only your dd and her fiance can decide this. But I think you need to be really frank and talk about it as a won't nor a can't as I don't think it's fair for you to support your parents manipulation of your dd. Tell it like it is and let her decide. Just because they're being selfish she won't necessarily decide to not change plans not to have them there.

Plantatreetoday · 09/03/2025 18:47

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/03/2025 18:19

It's not selfish, it's tradition. Traditionally weddings are held where the bride is from. I know many weddings are no longer traditional, but her grandparents will be of the generation where they would have expected the wedding to be local as the bride is from there.

Just because you're unaware of this tradition, doesn't mean you should be calling them out for being "selfish".

Show quote history

Not many people keep to that tradition these days. Not since the invention of cars anyway.
My mum born in the 1930s got married in the country she was living in, she didn’t go back to the country she was born in to get married even though my dad was born in the same country.
I married late 90s and didn’t go home to do so. We got married near to our home.
Grandparents in their late 70s will know this.

2107emc · 09/03/2025 18:47

Your parents' dog doesn't need a psychiatrist, it just needed the most basic of care by being taken for twice daily walks. Now you're saying the dog is 'spoilt' but it's a situation they created by keeping it confined for years. Their treatment of that poor animal tells me all I need to know about them. Selfish people.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 09/03/2025 18:50

How long till the wedding? If it is some time away it could be that even if the wedding was physically closer the grandparents might be unable to attend. I totally sympathise with their health issues but if they are bad enough to truly stop them travelling would it also mean they would not be able to participate in the full day?
You need to tell your daughter but it might be better to look for other ways to involve them, in discussions about dresses, decor etc.Maybe an extra hen afternoon tea for relatives, video the wedding etc.

diddl · 09/03/2025 18:52

Plantatreetoday · 09/03/2025 18:39

That would still apply if dd got married nearer her grandparents.

Just to pre empt the ‘ dog might trash rental’ question. They could bring a crate.

Edited
Show quote history

If it has never been in a crate it would probably howl & be distressed-I doubt the GPs would agree to that anyway.

luckylavender · 09/03/2025 18:52

waterrat · 07/03/2025 23:51

I think it sounds like your daughter has made a perfectly legitimate choice of venue.

Can your parents genuinely not travel ?

Such a nasty comment

cardboardvillage · 09/03/2025 18:54

Tell your mother to pull herself together

Can't you drive your parents and all stay in a hotel together?

My Granny is 90. She can barely walk. She can still travel in a car for a holiday though

diddl · 09/03/2025 18:55

Re the dog "never been on a walk"- as in doesn't toilet on a walk or isn't actually walked?

If the latter then why?

Gloriia · 09/03/2025 18:56

cardboardvillage · 09/03/2025 18:54

Tell your mother to pull herself together

Can't you drive your parents and all stay in a hotel together?

My Granny is 90. She can barely walk. She can still travel in a car for a holiday though

Not all Grannies are the same.

It is very unkind to tell someone with health problems to pull themselves together.

Alittlewordinyourear · 09/03/2025 18:56

I moved heaven and earth to get my parents to my youngest daughter’s wedding last year. They were older 89 and 86. I regretted it and although I wouldn’t admit it to my family, they actually spoiled my enjoyment of the wedding. They got tired quickly,didn’t really mix and were always “ looking “ for me. They ended up in their room watching telly completely missing the evening reception

Jack80 · 09/03/2025 18:57

Tell her as the reason you said she is having the wedding early is because of her gps

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 09/03/2025 18:58

I would gently have a conversation with your DD and tell her that it's simply too much for them - just so she's aware well ahead of time that they won't be there. She could involve them by phone/videolink if they're tech savvy enough or if someone could be there to help them?

At their age, they're quite right to say it's too much. Long trips like this are enough to knock someone off their feet for weeks afterwards, I worked in elderly care for many years and often had well meaning relatives drag their loved ones for days out/family parties with no idea how disruptive it was to that loved one and how long it took them to recover.

LittleBobbyDazzler · 09/03/2025 18:59

Unfortunately this happens when you have spread out roots. My grandad didn't come to my wedding for similar reasons, a lot of family didn't come for finance / logistics reasons too. It was upsetting but completely understandable. If your daughter knew she may have to deal with this when booking then she just needs to be told and to deal with it. You parents also need to understand your daughter can't just have her wedding on the their doorstep for their convenience. It's a crap situation but it is what it so so just tell her and let her deal with it now.

ProfessionalPirate · 09/03/2025 19:01

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

I don’t think any of those health conditions really explain why they are unable to travel a mere 200 miles. Health-wise they sound better off than my own parents / in-laws who all still take regular foreign holidays etc.

I imagine this is far more about the dog, plus a general psychological aversion to travel. Which is fine of course and up to them, but the problem needs to be re-framed: if they don’t attend their granddaughter’s wedding it is because they choose not to, not because they are so physically incapacitated. They certainly need to lay off any guilt-tripping aimed at your daughter.

Plantatreetoday · 09/03/2025 19:01

diddl · 09/03/2025 18:52

If it has never been in a crate it would probably howl & be distressed-I doubt the GPs would agree to that anyway.

Show quote history

Agree
and tbh it sounds like the grandparents want it their way or no way
Even if dd got married nearby they’d still have dog issues.

cakewench · 09/03/2025 19:02

I've seen OP's posts and I really want to say, as someone originally from the USA, that it is in no way 'normal' to just have dogs using puppy pads into adulthood. Just putting it out there because it sounds as if it's been implied by OP that it is.

Honestly if these reasons are the ones the GPs are giving, maybe you need to accept that the GPs are choosing the dog over traveling to the wedding. I had a wedding far away from my small family, but it was because DH has a huge family, and 3 people flying versus 15+ just made more sense. I wasn't doing it because I was 'choosing' the new family.

I'd tell DD that the GPs sound as if they won't be able to make it, and leave it at that. If you want to try to facilitate them, you should, though I'd keep in mind what one poster said above- you don't want doing that to ruin your experience of your DD's wedding. imo.

caringcarer · 09/03/2025 19:04

I was really sad my 2 elderly Aunties who lived in Devon and I was very close to and my DH gran who lived in North Yorkshire couldn't travel to our wedding. We got married in the Midlands, where we lived, worked and our friends were. We didn't think it was fair to choose Devon as a long way for all of DH family and a few old friends to have to travel and not fair to choose North Yorkshire as a long way for my family to travel. My Mum hadn't been well either. Plus we wanted to get married in a castle in the West Midlands that was meaningful to us as we got engaged there.

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 19:10

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 15:19

Thank you all for taking time to respond. I am reading and taking in each and every response.

Regarding the dog, she doesn’t pee throughout the house wherever she wants. She has an allocated tray with removeable pads in the utility room. These are sold in pet supply stores. The pads are changed several times a day. When I was a kid it was not uncommon for people to paper train their dog to do their business rather than doing it outside. I don’t know why, it just was. We are in the US (but I lived in the UK for 20 years).

I doubt if your parents want to make things difficult, 79 is old, and both of them have legitimate health issues. Just being away from home can be very challenging in their circumstances, it’s a 400 mile round trip, and there’s the dog to consider. That’s all quite understandable.

It may seem that all these are small, easily solved problems if you’re 20+ years younger, but not so much when you get to their age and stage in life.

Perhaps both sides could compromise - say the promise of a special video of the wedding and a visit from the young couple after the wedding/honeymoon?

Owl55 · 09/03/2025 19:12

I think it’s perfectly reasonable that 2 79 year old people with health issues feel they can’t travel for the wedding but it is your daughters choice , maybe arrange a lovely family meal sometime after they are married near where the grandparents live and celebrate together , realistically their health could change at any time in the coming months too .

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 19:13

And yes, tell your daughter, and suggest ways of making things work between you all.

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/03/2025 19:17

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

All sympathy. I know a few 80 yr olds through the U3A and they wouldn't be able to cope with being away like this. Not without a huge upheaval.

Lyntill · 09/03/2025 19:17

My daughter got married in Italy so there were several people that couldn't be there to celebrate. She decided to have the 'paper wedding' at a local registered office and a meal with those people instead and everyone dressed up to make it a special occasion. She just had a celebrant at the main wedding and tbh it was all still amazing and nobody felt left out!

kenstaylor · 09/03/2025 19:18

It all depends on how far into planning the wedding they are, if everything is all sorted it could cause tension and pressure that could feel like too much. However, if everything isn’t already set in stone maybe have a sit down with her and tell her about how the grandparents are feeling. But also let her know that you don’t want to put the pressure on her as planning a wedding is already stressful enough

ProfessionalPirate · 09/03/2025 19:22

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 19:10

I doubt if your parents want to make things difficult, 79 is old, and both of them have legitimate health issues. Just being away from home can be very challenging in their circumstances, it’s a 400 mile round trip, and there’s the dog to consider. That’s all quite understandable.

It may seem that all these are small, easily solved problems if you’re 20+ years younger, but not so much when you get to their age and stage in life.

Perhaps both sides could compromise - say the promise of a special video of the wedding and a visit from the young couple after the wedding/honeymoon?

Show quote history

I just don’t agree that 79 is so dreadfully old to make a 200 mile journey a daunting prospect. My parents and in-laws are all in this age bracket and them plus their massive friendship groups are still very active, travelling all over the world and looking after grandchildren. Despite various health problems, joint replacements etc. It reads to me that the OP’s parents are reluctant mainly because of their dog, plus a dose of can’t-be-arsedery.