Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Same the US actually things massively as travelling that distance is very much interstate and I suspect far less traffic as well

It's not that your Mum can't travel it's that she won't It's her choice not to see her granddaughter marry No one should be expecting plans to change but your daughter needs to know and her gran should tell her but as she seems to have chosen not to then you need to

I know my mum wouldn't have been able to travel that far when she was 79 and I think my dad would have struggled too. However they wouldn't bitch and moan about it they would accept the situation.
So I think you need to tell your DD her GPs probably won't be able to attend as it's too far. Don't say they're annoyed or upset just the facts.
It's then up to your DD what she decides.

I think it would be much worse if she goes through with her wedding so far away, and your parents are not there. God forbid something should happen to them and she finds out they only missed her wedding, because you didn't tell her about the reason they missed her wedding, so she could rearrange for it to be closer to them instead, before it's too late to do anything about it.

i really feel for you. Elderly difficult parents are a tough deal.

in answer to your original question about your dd, I would tell her. Is there any way she can make a visit to see them and explain her choices but make them feel really wanted? Or suggest something special for them as an alternative? Maybe her and new partner come to stay nearby for a long weekend and have some nice time together?

it’s obvious you can’t expect dd to change her plans for them though - I think you know that?

my mum made her dogs impossible too. After my dad died it was always about the dogs - drove me crazy.

A few people have spoken about live streaming the wedding. A couple we know got married shortly after the Covid restrictions ended. The bride was from another country so her parents couldn't travel into the UK. They live streamed the wedding, then cut to a zoom call at the start of the meal where her parents said such lovely words - everyone had a tear in their eye. It meant a lot to her and to her parents. She didn't know they were going to Zoom, the groom had set it up as a surprise for her.

Could someone help them do that so they can toast the couple live at the reception?

She's not having her wedding far away, she's having it near to where she lives.

It depends. Do you think your DM will tell your DD about her opinion of the wedding being so far away? If so, you have to tell her.

It sounds like they can’t stay overnight because of their dog mainly.
Suggest booking a dog friendly cottage for you all.

DD and her partner have booked a wedding in a place they have made their home. I think that’s their choice.

See if you can work around that
It could be a lovely family break for you all

I'm 35 and couldnt travel 200 miles so to those questioning why two 79 year olds can't, use your imagination!

By not telling your daughter you aren’t giving her the option to try to fix this. I don’t mean moving the wedding but maybe she can talk them into considering other options.

I had a similar situation with an elderly cousin in their 80s at my daughter’s wedding, although she and her husband were physically well, they have a dog they take everywhere with them, except the supermarket!

they live in Norfolk which is a five hour drive from us so no way they could do the return journey in a day.

I found them a dog friendly hotel near the wedding venue, but even then they wouldn’t leave him in the hotel room, but brought him to the church and later the reception and left him in their car with some treats and toys. He would pop out every hour or so to let him out for a breather and even a short walk and a pee, and they left shortly after the wedding breakfast, but they enjoyed the main part of the day and made the effort to make it work for them.

They also pooped round for lunch with us before they heft ofr home the next day which was nice.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

It may be worth speaking to your parents. Macular degeneration is vision loss but obviously it is understandable re the prostate cancer.

Just a thought but given the vision loss and your mum has had knee surgery, how would having the wedding close to home mean they can attend?

It wouldn’t be fair for your DD to change all the plans for them not to be able to attend anyway?

Is there anyone who could live film the event perhaps.

I do think it depends on where the wedding actually is. If it's a central London wedding and grandparents live in rural Yorkshire, I'm sure it's a 'vibe' thing just as much as a distance thing. Some people hate cities, it's not about the distance really.

But yes, you should tell her. And soon.

It's not selfish, it's tradition. Traditionally weddings are held where the bride is from. I know many weddings are no longer traditional, but her grandparents will be of the generation where they would have expected the wedding to be local as the bride is from there.

Just because you're unaware of this tradition, doesn't mean you should be calling them out for being "selfish".

Your parents are being very selfish. They just want everything their way. And how ridiculous to not have walked their dog ever, poor animal, and also for not training him.

Your daughter and her new husband’s happiness is the most important thing on the day. Your happiness and that of the bride’s father is also v important.
They are not planning on changing the venue (your daughter knew the GPs may not attend when she booked it), nor should they. If your mother attends she may make the day a misery for you (and potentially your daughter). You sound eminently reasonable. If you have offered your mother a range of options to make the day possible for them, and they have rejected these, then just drop it. Don’t keep coming up with new ideas to be rejected. You have done your best. They may be old, but they are adults with free will and responsibility for their own decisions. They need to own it. You do not.
I’d tell my daughter that the GPs don’t feel up to attending and leave it at that. Don’t give her any of the reasons or guilt-trip her second-hand. If your DM is determined to be a martyr, I’d close it down by saying “we’ve offered to try and make the day work for you but you have made your decision and I respect that, as does DD. We’re sad you can’t be there but there are lots of reasons the venue is in X town. A wedding is a difficult thing to negotiate for the bride and there are lots of people she has to take into account. You know she’d love nothing more than you to be there and you know how much she loves you so I’m not listening to any negativity about this. Let’s not fall out over this”. Then drop the mental load. It’s not worth the worry.
Enjoy the wedding OP.
PS re MIL your daughter needs to share less with her. Just a vague, “we’re still working on that” answer when she probes. For every unacceptable idea MIL proposes she should just say “oh that’s interesting. I’ll have a think about it”. A Non-commital approach is best. She will need this her whole life with MIL as she obviously doesn’t respect boundaries. Good to learn this skill now.

My parents sound a lot like yours, in that they have their health issues (of varying gravity) but the main thing is (1) they are stuck in their ways and won't make accommodations (2) they believe themselves entitled to this at everyone else's expense (3) they (well, my Mum - my dad at least is logical about it) complain when people don't change their lives to suit them.

We all just get on with it. Your DD may reassess how close her relationship with her grandparents ought to be, when their spoilt dog's preferences are prioritised over her.

And, as her mother, I would be looking at the grief she's already getting from her MIL, accept that's likely to go on for years, and do what I can to protect her from my own DM. I would tell your DD that you're delighted she's booked somewhere, that you'll let her grandparents know and not to worry if they decide not to make it. Make it about their health rather than their selfishness (and it is selfishness; understandable, perhaps, but selfish nonetheless).

It sounds like your parents are being a little bit spoilt and entitled. I have incurable cancer and wouldn’t dream of even using it as an excuse not to fully attend family activities. Tell them to make the effort to attend with all that support you are kindly offering or be gracious to their grand daughter and NOT express their disappointment.

My MIL refused to attend GD's wedding. She had a pile of excuses and whatever we suggested, she pulled another excuse out the hat. We eventually realised she simply didn't want to go as she was too old to be bothered. Are your parents like this or is it genuinely the wedding venue as it would be awful if they changed the whole venue only to find another excuse pulled out the hat.

Who looks after the dog whilst everyone is at the wedding?

So far away?
it’s near where they live.

None of your parents' health issues seem enough to make travelling 200 miles impossible, it sounds like they have just decided it is too much. This is their call and they shouldn't guilt trip your daughter.

If they really can’t travel then the only option is to video the whole thing and then your family have a get together at the GPs and watch it all together

Dog pee pads are for little puppies who haven't been house trained yet or sometimes for old dogs with health issues.

It's incredibly cruel to treat a dog this way for its entire life. Shame on your parents and shame on everyone close to them for not intervening.