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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
katepilar · 09/03/2025 20:53

I wonder if the dog could be helped with Bach remedies. They can be used with pets as well as people.

daleylama · 09/03/2025 20:58

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/03/2025 15:27

"Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. ... My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own."

"But my mum in particular has become stubborn and difficult in her old age and once she decides something she rarely can be persuaded otherwise."

So it sounds to me as if it's more a case of WON'T, not CAN'T. Your mother has cast herself into the role of 'victim', and will stubbornly stay in that role no matter what arrangements you make for her comfort. She wants her granddaughter to show that she, her grandmother, is the most important invitee to this wedding, and nothing less than moving the whole wedding to her location will serve to make her importance clear. It's nothing short of emotional blackmail.

And don't get me started on your mum choosing the importance of her dog over the importance of her granddaughter!

I'd dial it back. Whenever the forthcoming wedding is mentioned, I'd insert 'such a pity you won't be going' into the conversation. She'll take umbrage that you are making the decision that she is not going, not her. She'll take umbrage that you sound disinterested in moving heaven and earth to make it happen. If she's that stubborn, pretty soon she'll start suggesting solutions herself. At the very least, it will establish if she wants to go, or prefers to indulge her 'woe is me' act.

Sorry to sound so harsh when you've got all this worry on your shoulders - but it doesn't belong on your shoulders, and you need to drop the rope.

Edited

Good approach. I can't believe people agreeing with the parents! I'm 74 with many friends similar, all travel extensively, some ( me included) with terminal illnesses. Anyone considering their 70's as debilitating old age really need to address their self care ( and get a grip)

CatsnCoffee · 09/03/2025 21:01

Have the GPs considered that they could enjoy the wedding from the comfort of their own home if someone is happy to live stream it to them?
When my niece and her husband married last Summer, they went to USA for that, so neither family’s GPs were part of the plans. They definitely couldn’t have flown due to their various health conditions so it was never an option. At least your DD’s GPs might manage the journey as it’s inland. Could they break up the journey with an overnight stay midway?

diddl · 09/03/2025 21:04

and it’s traditional to be married in the bride’s parish, altho I understand why she chose near to where the majority live

But she is getting married in her parish isn't she?

Maray1967 · 09/03/2025 21:09

You need to tell your DM that it’s been a long time since weddings automatically took place near the bride’s family home. Your DD is doing what is normal - and more convenient for most people.

Your DM is putting obstacles in the way of going.

Trainingfairy · 09/03/2025 21:20

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

As there are so many complications with their health and mobility AND an aged dog, why not investigate a live video link to the actual ceremony so they can watch it in comfort and also get someone to be a "live videographer" on the day, "interviewing" guests and roving around the venue so they feel as if they were actually there. Send them a bottle of bubbly to raise a toast and maybe even make a speech at the wedding breakfast from a "live link". See if you can get a friend who's tech savvy to be with them on the day to deal with any system crashes, audio problems, logging in etc. Get them to dress in their Sunday best so that they appear as remote wedding guests on the live link. Once the reception is over, they prob wouldn't want to be part of the celebrations but will have been involved in the important bits.

RafaFan · 09/03/2025 21:23

I'm sure someone else has already suggested it, but maybe the ceremony could be livestreamed for the grandparents?
The reality is that even if the wedding was in the same town as the grandparents they probably would find the whole day quite a strain. My mum is in the same situation - her oldest granddaughter is getting married, fairly close by, but my mum has chosen to be taken home by her brother in the evening rather than staying in the hotel with the rest of the family because she no longer likes being away from home overnight.

Holldstock1 · 09/03/2025 21:30

Ok, I havent read all the comments Im afraid but my thoughts are this.
Firstly tell your grand daughter. If shes getting married NOW because your mum & dad are in ill health & she wants them there, then she needs to know that they cant physically travel that far. The ball is in her court then what she and her fiancee want to do.
Secondly, I do understand that they arent able to travel 200 miles. But is that because of distance or because medical conditions mean they cant travel for 3-4 hours in one go, or that they need to be sleeping at their house due to needing particular equipment due to health reasons - hospital beds, hoists, chairs, commodes etc.
If its the travel time could you split the there & back for them over a few days so its a mini break? Or fly or go by train?
If its due to medical conditions needing specific equipment, then unless its small items or pads, it is pretty difficult if not impossible. Very often people not dealing with debilitating medical conditions do not really understand how difficult it can be be to do things out of your usual routine which is adapted to coping day to day in your home environment.
It might be worth making a list of the difficulties & asking a professional if there are any ways round individual problems.
I know one of my patients (98) who has missed all of her grandchildrens weddings because of health reasons which has upse her. She has seen all the photos and watched the videos but still not the same.
Other thought is if they cant go could the venue live link it. I watched a funeral like that where it was too far to travel too.

Janlar · 09/03/2025 21:32

Is it genuinely impossible for your parents to come? Mine were ten years older than yours when my son got married and they travelled a similar distance, they had multiple significant health problems but it was still possible, family took them in the comfiest biggest car, they stayed in the hotel in a ground floor room with accessible bathroom the night before and the night of the wedding and their very old dog was looked after by a dog sitter who stayed and met the dog a few times before (she was won over by a walk and some treats). I treasure the photo of my parents with my son and his wife on their wedding day, dad in his suit and mum in her new outfit and hat (and sensible shoes). I think your last statement that they are stubborn is significant, please support your daughter unreservedly, she has done nothing wrong and if your parents chose to do otherwise that is their decision and a hurtful one to you too.

beingmefinally · 09/03/2025 21:33

I would tell your DD as she and her fiancé are getting married at this time specifically so that their grandparents are able to come to the wedding. Why keep it from her? I think your DD and your DM would be grateful that she knows. I'm sure your DM would love to go to her Granddaughter's wedding and likewise your daughter would prefer her grandparents there. I think if your daughter found out that you knew your mother and her grandmother couldn't make it she would be unbelievably hurt. Definitely tell her so that arrangements can be made to suit everyone and they can be there. I'm sure nobody wants to miss this.

ilovesushi · 09/03/2025 21:36

She should go ahead with the venue she has chosen. Even if she were to have it closer to home it sounds like her grandparents might only make a fleeting visit to the wedding anyway. Could someone ferry them over plus dog and put them up in a dog friendly hotel/ accommodation and get some dog care locally while they are at the wedding? While they are contending with some serious health issues, these do not necessarily rule out travel and an overnight.

FierceGrace85 · 09/03/2025 21:40

I think if I was your daughter I’d probably just elope and get married abroad without a wedding party - thereby avoiding both the interfering MIL and the issue of GPs inability/reluctance to travel.

given that she’s not eloping - they have probably chosen the venue based on the number of people who are nearby which is fair enough. why should let’s say 100 guests or whatever travel 200 miles because 2 people don’t want to make the journey? It’s definitely a tricky situation but it is their wedding day and they as a couple have the right to choose somewhere that they want to get married. It’s not all down to the choice of the bride anyway, so not all up to her.

Nonrienderien · 09/03/2025 21:45

It's understandable you feel anxious about this OP. Sadly as people age & become more infirm you can only try your best to include them in family celebrations. On this occasion I think your daughter has chosen a wedding venue suitable for the vast majority of guests & the main thing is that she is happy. Is there a chance you could set up a live stream of the ceremony & show them how to work it before the day. You could also have a day where your daughter & her new husband visit them & enjoy the wedding video together. All mere suggestions but I wouldn't worry. You can only do your best to keep people happy in situations like this. I'm sure deepdown your parents will understand. Have a wonderful day 😊

Teddybear23 · 09/03/2025 22:07

If it hasn’t already been said, it sounds like even if your daughter moved the wedding to near their home, there are no guarantees they’d still be well enough to go?

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/03/2025 22:09

Respectfully, OP, your parents are being absolutely ridiculous. There's a 200 mile distance, not 2000. It's not another continent - or the other side of the planet. I think it's perfectly reasonable to refuse to go to a wedding in another country because that tends to be costly, and a bit of a ballache, but saying 200 miles away is too much is incredibly silly.

They need to go and get a Travelodge and get a train down or get a lift with you. They're using their age as an excuse, and I'd imagine they'd say the same if they were 69, 59, or 49 ... They sound like the kind of people who want everything to revolve around them ...

As your daughter is 200 miles away and the vast majority of people going to the wedding are near them, of COURSE the wedding has to be near her. Your parents are going to have to suck it up and pull their finger out and get to the wedding - or miss it... Nobody should alter anything for them. And your daughter does NOT need to feel bad.

FFS, my 2 DC went to universities 200 and 235 miles away, and DH and I had to travel there at LEAST 5 or 6 times (each) in the years they were at uni. TWO of them. Including for both Graduations. And we were in our mid 50s for the second one, so not exactly Spring chickens when we were tootling a third of the way across the UK!

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/03/2025 22:28

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 09/03/2025 19:49

@SpringIsSpringing25 My very healthy 80yr old mum couldn't travel 200 miles these days so I think you're wrong to say this.

Wrong to say what exactly?? (do you know how to quote someone? Genuine question.
If you don't , people will be only too happy to explain)

I'm glad your mum's healthy 🤗. What would stop her travelling in a private car to her granddaughter's wedding? I'm not talking about her independently travelling on public transport.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/03/2025 22:32

Airspice · 09/03/2025 19:58

Completely trolled a post of mine recently, likes to disagree with everyone I think!

Show quote history

Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

I see her posting really often and she's very, ummm, forthright shall we say, but I've never noticed her being quite so 'brutal' as she has been the past few days.

I hope she is okay,

But if she is being gratuitously brutal or trolling posts, then her posts need reporting.

Familysquabbles23 · 09/03/2025 22:45

Drat but I think GPs are offended that DD put fiancée's family first in preferences to them and therefore every excuse possible not go to the wedding.

If they wanted to, they'd go, but they don't.
I would tell DD bc she needs to know GP will probably never forgive her, sad but true ime.

In GPs defence, they feel hurt and excluded and have lots of valid reasons not to go to tge wedding, but that's their choice.

MinnieCoops · 09/03/2025 23:29

Do not tell your DD that her GPs are prioritising their dog over her. And then trying to emotionally blackmail her to boot.

Sorry OP but your mum sounds very selfish.

McSpoot · 09/03/2025 23:36

Familysquabbles23 · 09/03/2025 22:45

Drat but I think GPs are offended that DD put fiancée's family first in preferences to them and therefore every excuse possible not go to the wedding.

If they wanted to, they'd go, but they don't.
I would tell DD bc she needs to know GP will probably never forgive her, sad but true ime.

In GPs defence, they feel hurt and excluded and have lots of valid reasons not to go to tge wedding, but that's their choice.

But she didn’t prioritize his family. She’s having it where she lives and most of her friends live.

Isamummy2021 · 10/03/2025 00:04

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Hi I would just say your grandparents can't make the trip and I know it was important for you to have them attend the wedding. So I wanted to tell you so that you had time to consider if you wanted to consider a change of venue. She needs to know so she can decide to change things. They have brought the wedding forward for their grandparents. Just let her know then it's in her hands. I get the added stress but I would want to know if it was me.

Isamummy2021 · 10/03/2025 00:09

I've seen a few other comments since my reply they don't want to leave their dog? That's wrong. But my mum is in poor heath and I know if it was our family she couldn't travel far she can't drive due to health and barely leaves the house so I therefore think it depends. If it's genuine poor health then fine but to not go for dog then sorry but they are not very good grandparents tell them to get a dog sitter.

daleylama · 10/03/2025 00:22

Trainingfairy · 09/03/2025 21:20

As there are so many complications with their health and mobility AND an aged dog, why not investigate a live video link to the actual ceremony so they can watch it in comfort and also get someone to be a "live videographer" on the day, "interviewing" guests and roving around the venue so they feel as if they were actually there. Send them a bottle of bubbly to raise a toast and maybe even make a speech at the wedding breakfast from a "live link". See if you can get a friend who's tech savvy to be with them on the day to deal with any system crashes, audio problems, logging in etc. Get them to dress in their Sunday best so that they appear as remote wedding guests on the live link. Once the reception is over, they prob wouldn't want to be part of the celebrations but will have been involved in the important bits.

Show quote history

What a fantastic idea !

GabriellaFaith · 10/03/2025 00:31

There are very few health reasons why people could genieunly not travel as a one off if they really wanted. So I guess my first point would be can they really not, or would they just prefer not to. Your daughter has, sensibly and like most brides, chosen somewhere local so she can make arrangements. For example it would be so much harder for her to choose florists, bakers, entertainment, chefs etc so far away. At first glance without evidence of inability to travel I must admit it sounds like GPs are being selfish.

Ineke · 10/03/2025 00:53

I feel that if your parents really wanted to go to the wedding then they would. At the moment they can only see all the difficulties but I am sure they could be persuaded that these can be minimised and the travel part made comfy and enjoyable. The actual wedding/reception would require the same amount of effort if it was near or far so makes no difference. If you showed them photos of guest houses, Airbnbs etc with accessibility then they may not be so with nervous of the trip. In the end, it’s up to them, and their choice. But, as you say she is stubborn, perhaps if you do say things like, ah it’s such a shame you won’t be coming, she may well just get fired up enough to say she dam well will come! Some elderly people can be quite crafty at times.