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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
BrightGreenPoet · 09/03/2025 19:28

Sometimes when we get old we get... let's call it "a little grumpy," like a "re-toddlering" if you will. It sounds like what your mother is saying is "It's too far for me to travel and I'm very disappointed and mad that I can't go."

Unless I'm mistaken, it sounds like the bulk of the guests and the people getting married are local to the area they chose, which is totally logical.

It also sounds like it's important for your daughter to have her grandparents attend, so give her the grown up translation (rather than your mum's actual grumpy words which will only cause her upset) and see if the two of you can come up with a plan so that your parents can attend comfortably. Maybe they'll go if you make all of they're travel arrangements, help them pack (call it "organized" when you suggest it), and travel with them in the same way that you would have when you travelled with your kids. It'll be a pain for you, but an amazing gift to your daughter.

And maybe explain to your daughter about the re-toddlering in case your mother complains to her. It's just one of those things that happens sometimes as we get older.

LePetitMaman · 09/03/2025 19:35

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

You genuinely can't see how very selfish your parents are can you?

I wonder if you've spent your whole life having to placate them, which is why you think their batshit reasoning (oh but the dog ...) is in any way on the same level of importance as 95% of the attendees, living where the wedding has been booked. Attendees like the groom's parents and siblings.

You actually think they've got a point here don't you. Like your DD should have held the wedding near you.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/03/2025 19:39

Speak with your daughter. Tell her your parents won't be attending as the travel etc will be too much for them. Be blunt, but gentle, that she needs to determine who she wants to attend and if she cannot or won't change locations it is her choice.

Sillyname63 · 09/03/2025 19:40

My MiL was bit like this and my DD wedding was only 35 miles away, just about came to ceremony and reception then had her favourite grandson to take her home. She was about the same age. Sometimes older people make things into a major problem, worry about if they will be able to get to the loo , sitting in a car for such a long journey won't be very easy for her or your dad probably.
I would tell your daughter gently explain about the journey and their other issues say it's no one fault just how it is , can you suggest that the wedding ceremony could be live streamed to them lots of hotels have this facility would they be able to use a lap top and open an email link. Perhaps a friend or neighbour could set it up for them on the day, they could sit in the comfort of their own home with a glass of fizz and enjoy. Then when your daughter next visits you could all share a nice meal and look at the photos .

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/03/2025 19:40

If she had chosen to marry in a location hundreds of miles away from anything simply because it was pretty or whatever and they had no actual connection to that place, then I could see their point.

She's getting married where she lives, which is perfectly normal.

Christwosheds · 09/03/2025 19:41

DangerFrog · 07/03/2025 23:42

If it's important to your daughter and her fiancé to have her grandparents at their wedding, then you'll need to tell them that the grandparents won't travel. That shouldn't really come as a huge surprise to your daughter, especially if they have been ill lately.

Your daughter and her fiancé will have to decide what's more important to them; that's just part and parcel of planning a wedding. Best to tell them now, rather than when the invitations go out.

Agree with this.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 09/03/2025 19:43

Depending on location you can do 200
miles in less than 2 hours on the train! The GP are being completely unreasonable. They can get a taxi there surely? Or even
break up and stay someone half way for a night. Stay in a nice hotel the night before to rest. Can one of the family drive them with frequent stops? DD has chosen the best location it actually sounds as though you are a bit annoyed they live nearer his family.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 19:44

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

with the addition of the dog aspect, I think they are being totally unreasonable. They can’t seriously expect their granddaughter to book a wedding in a location of their dog is because their dog is anxious. Organise a dog friendly airbnb for a week if they want, but if they want to be stubborn and miss it that’s on them. It’s an invite, not a court summons.

Serenesage · 09/03/2025 19:49

And there it is… the real reason they don’t want to travel.. leaving their dog! So they are frustrated and are placing blame on your daughter. It’s totally unreasonable of your mum.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 09/03/2025 19:49

@SpringIsSpringing25 My very healthy 80yr old mum couldn't travel 200 miles these days so I think you're wrong to say this.

MaryGreenhill · 09/03/2025 19:50

Why doesn't your Dd have a ceremony and a small lunch afterwards with your parents and you and them . It will be very inexpensive in comparison to the big wedding but very intimate and heartfelt. I wish your Daughter and your parents and you all the best . I hope you can come to some arrangement that satisfys everyone.

Airspice · 09/03/2025 19:58

SpringIsSpringing25 · 08/03/2025 02:02

You really are on a roll with your posts?

What's up?

Show quote history

Completely trolled a post of mine recently, likes to disagree with everyone I think!

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 20:00

“As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79”

Hardly “re-toddlering”, Bright-greenpoet.

Orangewinegum8481 · 09/03/2025 20:01

It's not your daughter that needs telling; it's your mother.

Alwayscomplicated123 · 09/03/2025 20:01

Well yeah she needs to know that her grandparents can’t make it
can they defo not make it or are they being stubborn. She can’t expect her granddaughter to hce the wedding what you guys and hce so many people travel

Loveperiod · 09/03/2025 20:02

I beg to differ. I understand u can’t make everyone happy but choosing a venue I would consider the oldest ppl that matter to both families and start from there

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/03/2025 20:02

Plantatreetoday · 09/03/2025 18:47

Not many people keep to that tradition these days. Not since the invention of cars anyway.
My mum born in the 1930s got married in the country she was living in, she didn’t go back to the country she was born in to get married even though my dad was born in the same country.
I married late 90s and didn’t go home to do so. We got married near to our home.
Grandparents in their late 70s will know this.

Show quote history

Well where I'm from it was very much still a tradition even when I got married. And I'm not that old, I have young children! Both me and my SIL both got married where we're from, despite us both living in a different country.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/03/2025 20:08

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 20:00

“As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79”

Hardly “re-toddlering”, Bright-greenpoet.

And OP initially said "an old 79" which is enough, really.
It's annoying when people aren't satisfied with info given, isn't it?

Phelicity · 09/03/2025 20:13

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/03/2025 20:08

And OP initially said "an old 79" which is enough, really.
It's annoying when people aren't satisfied with info given, isn't it?

Show quote history

Yes it is, that’s why I’ve highlighted the OP’s information above, which illustrates that they’ve genuinely got health issues making travel difficult.

Nikki7506 · 09/03/2025 20:13

Erm I wouldn't call a sick elderly lady "selfish". Your daughter will have to be told they can't attend due to health reasons at some point anyway......have a cuppa and a chat and let her know xxx

bettydavieseyes · 09/03/2025 20:21

I wouldnt tell her anything. She booked the venue knowing they might not be able to come. That's it. She doesn't need to hear their comments, especially if she's sensitive.

BambinaCucina · 09/03/2025 20:22

[quote]I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in[/quote]

Having read this, I am even more of the opinion that your mother is being incredibly selfish expecting your daughter to move her wedding to suit her grandmother. It's really awkward trying to organise a wedding 200 miles from home.

The crux of the matter is really that your mother doesn't want to leave her dog.

Thisshirtisonfire · 09/03/2025 20:30

You should tell her but make it clear that you support her and her choices.
I really think they are being deeply unreasonable. They want it their way. There is absolutely no reason why they couldn't be driven there by you and stay in a nice hotel
They are accusing your daughter of choosing her friends and fiancé's family over them... yet they are essentially choosing a dog over her. So personally I don't think she should cater to them.
My mum has MS and is in a wheelchair. My wedding was a mile deep in some woods in a different country to the one she lives in. She came to it without complaint because that's what you do. A wedding is about the people getting married not one two relatives want.
Why do they think they are more important than the grooms family? Or the bride and groom friends? They want the wedding somewhere that's convenient to them but inconvenient to most other people attending. I think they are being ridiculous tbh.
They should either make the effort to attend or give their apologies and say unfortunately they are too ill to attend.. but under no circumstances should they be making her feel bad or putting pressure on her to alter her entire wedding to suit their needs.

Drummergirl1971 · 09/03/2025 20:36

and it’s traditional to be married in the bride’s parish, altho I understand why she chose near to where the majority live

its hard for the young & healthy to understand how gruelling & impssible any kind of travel is when you’re ill, but she needs to know the grandparents won’t be able to travel that far

Jumpers4goalposts · 09/03/2025 20:42

You should be telling your parents that they are being unreasonable. If their GC really meant anything to them they would make it work. They could get a house sitter for the dog so no chance to the dogs life for that. As you’ve said you are happy to drive them and they could stay in a local hotel.

I remember my cousins wedding in Cornwall years ago my Nan in her 90’s attended. Myself and my parents made sure that we looked after her and ensured she was happy and comfortable throughout it all. My cousin didn’t need to worry about her it was her big day.

The only thing stopping your parents is themselves.