Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

This sounds like a long slog and you've done all you can to be supportive. I was expecting you to be much older than 36.
Have you asked your wife if she would like more sex and why she's currently so reluctant to be intimate? I don't mean asking in the moment and being told "I need a shower", but actually asking properly, in a neutral setting. Perhaps the answer is she has no sex drive and doesn't forsee any situation where that could be overcome. At least you could then make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.
Have you suggested couples counselling?

That sounds really hard. Both of you clearly have Mia matched sex drives and this has become more apparent.
Having a child in your bed is obviously a huge barrier and three young children aren't easy. Do you see it getting better as the children get older? Can you live with a sexless relationship?
For many of us we have periods where it's not priority but I know myself I've had to work to make it priority and once I've done that it's great again but she needs to admit it and put that work in.
Relationship therapy may help

Can you change the dynamic to give her her power back, so it isn’t the ingrained dynamic of you pressuring her? So it’s up to her to initiate, whenever she feels up to it, and you will solely focus on her sexual pleasure. Might help to kickstart things.

Over the years we have spoken about it many times, but I’ve got to the point now where I feel like I’m a broken record and if I’m honest, every time I talk about it. It does hurt, I feel undesirable and unwanted. If my own wife doesn’t want me in that way, am I that unattractive?
she tells me that it’s not the case and she will try more, but the next time we are intimate with each other, I can’t help but feel it’s because of our conversation a couple of days before. Then it starts to feel like we are making progress and then the weeks/months fly by and we are in the same situation. As I said I have almost completely stopped initiating, because when I do the rejection makes me feel shameful.
having our youngest in the bed isn’t helping, I keep trying to make him stay in his own bed, but when he comes in when we are already asleep, it’s hard to wake myself up and put him back in his own bed without him crying. But because we don’t know what time he may wonder into our bed, it’s always used as a what if he comes in. Or if we do become intimate, it’s a case of hurry up, he might be in here any minute.

Seek couples therapy - and good therapy (look on BACP website) immediately. If things do not improve then separate. Good luck.

You need to stop pestering her for sex and having sex she clearly doesn't want.

Your wife no longer wants to have sex which is her right. There could be many reasons for this but this is the fact you have to live with.

You say you can't afford to leave, so stay and live as housemates.

Let's say OP does this and his DW doesn't want him to be involved with anyone else. Should OP just be forced into celibacy at the age of 36? That's a recipe for resentment and a miserable existence.

Do you put effort into her enjoyment when you're intimate?

Are you both willing to try to improve things?

Is she happy with infrequent sex? If she is and is refusing to do anything to change things, then you are fighting a losing battle?

It will only work if you both want things to change. If you do, she got visot doctors re her libido and you could do counselling together or separately. If she won't do either, then this is never going to change or work.

You counted the amount of times you had sex?! And you're only 36?. Have both of you explored couples therapy? It seems like you're stuck in a situation where you either get 'pity sex' or get told 'you aren't initiating anymore'. That's just mind games from your wife.

She is not doing anything wrong @OneMerryPoster . She is actually having sex she would rather not have as she knows you want to have sex.

I would be willing to bet it has absolutely nothing to do with your attractiveness. I suspect it will be related to household responsibilities/freedom of time and bodily autonomy. - I personally would much rather choose to read a book and get to sleep than to feel pressure for another person's choice.

Most importantly (in my case), layers of trauma have built over the years and I absolutely want to keep my body 'in tact' (for want of a better word) at all times. Being penetrated is quite a challenge. For many men, I think sex can be a way to relax and I think for many women, they have to be very relaxed and safe to consider sex.

At the moment, it sounds like she has zero libido, or if she does, she would rather deal with it herself. She is having sex with you though and sounds like is doing her best to be a good wife.

Do you not think that your wife may be resentful that it took you a DECADE of her being pregnant multiple times, being on contraception that obviously didn't suit her and made her bleed for 2-3 weeks a month, only for you to FINALLY agree to use condoms, but not put them on in time to actually avoid a third pregnancy (which presumably you were both trying to avoid or you wouldn't have been using contraception)?

Then, this third child that you imposed on your wife by going against your word and not handling contraception properly, which she had to carry and birth, is sleeping in your bed and disturbing both of your sleep and because you've FINALLY got a vasectomy (something you could have done years ago) you're disappointed you're not getting enough sex.

Do you think you would have got more sex if you'd taken on the burden of contraception PROPERLY back when your DW had PND and bleeding issues through hormonal contraception that she might have found you a bit more competent and empathetic and therefore more sexy?

Men treat hormonal contraception and pregnancy and birth and the after effects on your body like it's nothing, but the effects are huge. You could have prevented your wife's suffering for a decade, just by putting a condom on 🙄 but you didn't and when you finally did you weren't reliable with it, so she couldn't trust you.

Do you think not being able to trust your husband makes him sexy? Because it really doesn't.

You were like "whoops! I didn't take care with the condoms, so here's a third baby" but that's her body, her health, her career (potentially) her sleep, her risk of depression all that you were willing to gamble, because you didn't want to wear a condom 🙄

I highly suspect that has something to do with her lack of attraction to you.

I must say it sounds like your wife has been through a lot - postnatal depression, periods lasting 3 weeks a month, then pain, spotting during pregnancy (so safety concerns there for the baby), then you ending the relationship. Then an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle – is that swinging? Could that have brought more anxiety to her or was she completely onboard with that? Also engaging in unwanted sex for a woman, which you say she did with you, can be emotionally damaging.
I think couples counselling might be helpful where you explore her feelings about all these things, and yours as well. And then take it from there.

I think firstly you want her to want to have sex with you. Forget the sex, what do you do together? Do you ever have couples time? How hands on are you with the kids, is she exhausted? Also and I mean this gently you may not actually be making sex enjoyable for her. Make sure when you do have sex you are actually attentive to what she enjoys, no-one wants to have sex with someone who’s not making sure they are enjoying it. Most women can’t orgasm with just penetration. It’s amazing how many men apparently don’t know that.

It’s also really weird to record how many times you have had sex, never had someone on here who has actually kept count.

You have made a lot of assumptions here, I never once told her that she had to be on any sort of contraception. I was and am happy to wear condoms. It wasn’t a case of “oh I forgot” it was more the case that she does not enjoy condoms.
There was also the fact that my wife wanted another baby, so when we found out we were pregnant, it was positive news.

regarding taking contraceptives, it’s not my body and when she was having issues with the implant, I asked multiple times if she wanted it removed and it was her choice. She tried the pill and it wasn’t good for her and instead of being the villain you think I am. I did ask her to stop, I would rather her be happy. Please read what I have said and not come in with all guns blazing and so hateful. I’m not a nasty man that is just moaning. I’m a loving and supportive husband that is not sure of what I can do to improve the situation.

As a couple we spend a lot of time together and do date nights and obviously things with the kids. I’m an involved dad that spends time with my kids, as well as doing most of the housework and cooking.

I feel silly defending my sexual performance, but when we do have sex she will climax multiple times. The happier she is, the happier I am.

If you felt like you was being gaslit and an easy solution to know if you was right or wrong, was to just mark it in your calendar. Are you telling me you wouldn’t do that, even if it was to prove to yourself that you’re not crazy?

You don't think you sound like a sex pest - well you are, you've threatened to leave unless things improve giving her little choice AND when you do have sex it's too forced and not good enough for you, so she is making effort but her effort isn't good enough.
My exH did this and eventually I just told him to fuck off and leave. It was a relief.
Seeing as "we" got pregnant which is impossible, only women can get pregnant and suffer the trauma of childbirth and the after effects and breastfeed, then you can have the kids 50% of the time when you leave and she can have a normal life.

You don't have to 'ask' a woman to put her husband and family's wants and needs before her own. I don't think we realise the toll it takes until much later.

Sex that you don't want can feel like no big deal at the time, but your body remembers and it is incredibly damaging and traumatising.

If you're honest with yourself, you will see that you have not been a great husband and partner, you've already left once.

Stay or leave, but nothing you have said indicates that your wife has done anything wrong.

I think this might be the next step, but I fear that we will be paying someone to tell us what we already know or worse.

Do you actually care about your wife? Do you like her? I think if either of those are a no, you should end the relationship now.

What you see as gaslighting @OneMerryPoster , I see as deflecting sexual coercion.

"God I'm so fed up with our lack of sex life. Is it ever ok to leave because of this?"

Please read this thread! A woman author and the responses are completely different. A man that loves his DW asks for advice and he is the bad guy. I do wonder what your opinion would be the other way around 🧐

It is so, so different for women. So many women have been through sexual assault and rape, pregnancy, invasive medical care, childbirth and injuries to their genitals, multiple times for multiple children, breastfeeding, huge domestic responsibilities.

You cannot compare the sexes when it comes to sex.

If you dont want to get pregnant you make damn sure it doesnt happen. Ask any child free by choice woman. Ive never wanted kids and i would never rely on just condoms alone

You need couples counselling.
Regardless of the finances you are wasting your life away .

Leave. You’re too young and life is too short for a life like this.

You’ve tried for 15 years. It’s not going to get any better.