Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I agree with you @WhatAliceSaid

I have just separated from my partner of 18 years (2 teenage kids together). I could no longer bring myself to have sex with him and it was getting harder and harder to hide this fact. Every time I had sex with him, I felt obligated, but also violated, as I REALLY did not want to have sex with him anymore as I am just no longer sexually, romantically or physically attracted to him. This was ongoing for the past 7-8 years. I felt that I 'had' to have sex with him for the past few years for an easier life, cos he was nagging about it. But I have just hit 50 and no longer want to live this false and stressful life.

He wants to get back together and I suppose that would be the easy option in terms of finances/kids, but I'm only 50 and I know that I can possibly have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life (eventually) with someone else that I actually really fancy & love.

I feel that OP's situation is either (1) same as my own, in which case separate and move on, or (2) couple counselling, as maybe your wife has just had a nightmare decade birthing & bringing up 3 kids. Which is a nightmare mentally, physically, and career-killing.

@OneMerryPoster
"After reading all the replies, I do worry for people with poor mental health, I opened up and spoke about something that is impacting on my marriage. Then within hours, I was made out to be a lazy, unattractive, a sex pest and a crap in bed partner that doesn’t know how to satisfy my wife. If I had any past of self harm, after reading these replies, I think I would have been heading for the nearest bridge."

Unfortunately the is par for the course here. If you would have been a woman posting many of the most unpleasant posters would have been saying the husband was at fault. These people have one framework and it is not informative.

The most important thing is your children's well being, so perhaps research some of the options of how best to handle these things, people will handle it differently but see what you think could work. Perhaps a year to living in separate rooms in the same house to ease the transition, as a gradual separation, you may also need to speak to a solicitor. You need to nail down parenting time, finances, etc. Trying formal arrangements about pick up and drop off etc. But you may also not be able to make a co-living arrangement work.

Counselling could run along side about how to handle disagreements when no longer being a couple. You may even find you get a far happier set up at the end.

This bit of your last post struck me OP

when it comes to being intimate with another woman, I’ll be truthful I’ll probably be terrible. I know what my wife likes and I’ve not been with anyone else since we got together. So you’re right, when I eventually do get to that stage with another woman, I might not be great.
Yet it’s not something I’ve given much thought about, because that’s not what I wanted. I want my wife, I want to feel wanted and make her happy.

Have you already checked out? Not trying to catch you out or berate you for it, you may not have even realised the terminology you used in that paragraph, futures with 'another woman' and a past tense when talking about your wife.

Language can sometimes be subconscious, but I think it's something you need to be honest with yourself about

This is why men posting this sort of stuff get the responses they do.

You start to recognise the patterns.

Apologies if this isn’t the case for you OP, but very often posts like this are when the man has checked out because he wants more sex, and he’s seeking permission to either cheat or leave, and some have indulged that.

When women post about lack of sex it’s usually asking what they can do to help, whether they are the issue, wondering if he’s moved on, or concerned about his porn use.

Not sure “seeking permission” really applies here. Sounds like he has tried leaving before and was talked in to staying, those situations are not normally very good. There is often some fundamental incompatibility issue and this has just prolonged the situation. It is even a joke that a woman posting on MN will get LTB (or equivalent) for basically anything from at least a few responders.

The OP sounds like he is at the “any last ideas” stage which presumably why he is posting here. The mistake was not being more careful and getting pregnant so early, the second was staying when he had already worked out this was not working. The third mistake will be if he doesn’t plan for how to maximise the kids situation in the changes.

For alterative perspectives try:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/

For a while I was in a group about dead bedrooms. All the men claimed they were faultless. Eventually they would casually reveal something historical that explained their sexless relationship. Things like infidelity, lying, gambling. Alcoholism or verbal abuse and other bad behaviours.

The men all seemed to think it was in the past and they had moved past it. Their wives had not. Has anything like this happened in your marriage?

@WhatAliceSaid well clearly they were hanging around the swinging scene at some point ( not sure who suggested that) as that's what the upside down pineapple thing means

If my H had suggested that regardless of sex life being a bit flat or not - don't think I would see them in the same way again- I appreciate sone would have no issue- but I would

Very harsh. Maybe his wife wanted to take control over the contraception?

Maybe they could separate and she could move out ?
Not mention of who does what work or heinous highest earner. .

He says that separation is financially not possible.

I know but the assumption is he had o put up or move out .
They are married and part of marriage is intimacy /sex he ended it she didn’t want it and nothing has changed.

I am saying why does he have or accept being unhappy and then he has to leave his home and kids . Maybe he can stay with the kids .

I tend to go by the information given in the OP. He says:

I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option.

I therefore suggested they live together as housemates.

However there's nothing stopping you from making whatever suggestion you like.

Surely you realise you did long term damage when you ended your marriage with two young children in the mix, based on not getting enough sex? Did you often threaten to leave before you did? Who’s idea was it to get involved with swinging?

Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with. By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to

Read that back to yourself. Only once or twice did it feel like she wanted to. You’ve revealed a long standing pattern of sexual coercion. Do you realise pressuring someone into sex is a crime? And you want us to believe she has multiple climaxes.

Something has probably happened to kill her attraction to you. It’s probably your sense of entitlement to sex. If it isn’t that you probably know what it is because there was probably ongoing arguments about it before your wife fell silent and stopped talking about it.

There are so many assumptions yet again, so I’ll try and clarify some that keep coming up.
I am not a gambler, drinker, I don’t waste money of reckless spending. I have a very small circle of friends that I see only every few months and I don’t come back blind drunk or demanding sex. I didn’t have a great childhood, but after working through issues before we got together, I’m a calm person that does not like confrontation and conflict. So I don’t shout or become aggressive, I’m a talker. So if we have an issue we talk things out. Our sex life might not be great, but my wife is my best friend and we can talk about anything. I’ve only come here for advice, but I’m regretting it.

The swinging club, this came about because a couple we both knew are members and had been going through a similar situation as us. We both spoke jokingly about it at first and we both said should we try it. So we spoke about it and set rules of what we would like to do and we went in with an open mind. My wife was very confident and we kept checking in on each other making sure the other one was still comfortable. As I said before, we only played together and no one else. The build up to going to this club and talking about it after, did excite my wife. But my wife didn’t want to return, because we tried it, it was exciting, but not for us. I was not going to complain, that was a new experience that I never thought we’d do.

The multiple orgasms, I thought I cleared this up. Am I batting 100% all the time and delivering multiple ones every time? No, but at the very minimum one. If my wife isn’t feeling it and the moment has gone, I don’t insist we carry on till one or both of us go. That’s not fun, it’s supposed to be us connecting with each other. If you want to keep calling me crap in bed, that’s fine, I don’t know you and I can only go from what I believe to be true and what’s she has told me. For the women who insist that PIV is not enough, yes we do have a wand and that comes in helpful too, but not used every time.

when it comes to moving out, I would rather not. Ideally I can use some of the advice I’ve been given on her to help my relationship. I do not want to split up the family home over this, but if moving into another room in the house will help in anyway, I’m happy to do that. Financially we are about equal with what we get paid, we rent and don’t own our home.

i do not pester for sex, i notice it has been a while since we last were intimate. So I brought it up in a joking fashion, then over time it got longer and longer. When we would talk about it, I was told we only did it recently. So I started noting it in my calendar, so I knew I wasn’t going crazy. I don’t want to note it in my calendar, but when you are being told you have forgotten or are exaggerating it, it’s easier to just put a X in the calendar. I don’t push the calendar in her face and go “look it’s been this many days…give me sex now”. We have grown up conversations and have tried different things, to help, many mentioned on here. When I say about it only being a couple of times where I felt she wanted me. That’s when she jumped me, no talking just passionate sex.

When we split up before that was due to other issues we had, but many of those were resolved. It broke both our hearts, but at the time it was the only option I thought we had left, because we were not in a great place.

Pregnancy and contraceptions, all three pregnancies were happy events in our lives and all normal (spotting is normal and sex doesn’t affect the baby, just being safe). Contraception, I have never refused to wear a condom and when my wife was having issues with the implant. She did not want it removed, we did look at alternatives, but she didn’t want to change. The pill, that was something she was on previous to our relationship and as soon as she went on it, she didn’t like it. So it was stopped with the main focus being on her and being happy. This was also my attitude, because I love this woman and want her to be happy.
PND was only briefly something my wife had, but I was there to support her. She was given pills and this seemed to help. She had a flair up of anxiety due to work making redundancies and was put on anti anxiety tablets. She still remains on these to this day, but she doesn’t want to stop them, because she feels like they help. We have spoken about the impact on her sex drive these pills may have, but doesn’t think this effects her.

I have probably not covered enough and there’s going to be new things to be attacked over. I never claimed to be the perfect man or husband, I’m just a guy who wanted some advice. If you want to hate on me that’s fine, but thank you again for the people that read and don’t just make assumptions. I do appreciate it.

Yet if you have 10 glasses of wine a year you cant be classed as teetotal.

The main issues we faced before was how I felt more like a cook and cleaner, instead of a partner. There were other things, that we have spoken about and both made changes for the better. Our communication wasn’t great before that, but has come leaps and bounds. It’s never going to be perfect, but we are definitely way better now, compared to then

It could be the anti-depressants.

It could be so many things.

You could try watching some Esther Peter. She talks about why people have affairs. There might be something you pick up on in that that she talks about why we are attracted to people in the first place.

maybe there’s a clue there? What were you both like before you had kids? Has anything changed? Has your your role changed or hers? It only takes something small but significant to change the dynamics. Often money and power and control, a lot of these things also drive attraction/sex.

@JenniferBooth I did a quick google search, but if we are comparing it to other things. If you went skydiving 10 times in a year, some people might consider you an avid skydiver 😂 what did we get out of this? Do we feel this little chat helped 😂 at least it's not the usual hate the poor OP gets

You have mentioned several times about being attacked and people being hateful when they are simply giving advice, which you asked for. It is not hateful or an attack to quote your own posts, and if reading it makes you uncomfortable you should consider why. You’ve gone from saying sex only happened when you voiced your frustrations to now saying you only ever mentioned it in a joking way. Which is it?

I don’t think anyone has called you crap in bed. But it doesn’t fit that someone who only has sex when you express your frustrations has multiple climaxes.

The victim mentality is not attractive. Advice or opinions you don’t agree with is not an attack.

You only see what you want to see 😂😂 we all know that because this is a man the OP is going to get negativity. The anger and hate from some users makes me smile! Is it because their DH might be feeling the same and is too scared to say anything or is out there screwing someone else because his DW went off him years ago and she still wants her lifestyle and to look down on others?

@OneMerryPoster honestly some people jsit cant /won’t accept there are
Some good guys out there.
If you were a women being ignored by your dh it would be different advice.
I think it sounds like your de takes you for granted . Takes two to make a marriage works and it sounds like you are doing all you can of your wife can’t/ won’t do her part then she has to understand you will /could leave. .

Is it because their DH might be feeling the same and is too scared to say anything or is out there screwing someone else because his DW went off him years ago and she still wants her lifestyle and to look down on others?

No. Some of us are attracted to our husbands and don’t have to cajoled into sex. Some of us also out earn our husbands so don’t need him for the lifestyle.

I don't think I would give different advice to a woman being unhappy with a lack of intimacy because of her DH - not if her youngest children were 3 or 5 .... not if all other aspects of the relationship were good. I think in that case, it's best to prioritise the children, for a bit longer at least.