Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

You like to nitpick...so let's flip it 😂 are you honestly saying your lifestyle wouldn't change one bit without your DH? No cut backs on anything or change of living situation? If that's the case congratulations and if it's not the case maybe just maybe you could start to think about your nitpicking. Being in a relationship isn't always perfect and there are going to be issues in everyone's. So when someone asks for advice and you don't have it, instead of searching for something to trip the person up on. Think can I add any real and helpful information here or if not ask open questions with no judgement 🙄

If you think pointing out pressuring someone into sex is nitpicking you’ve got serious problems yourself. He said himself sex only happens after he’s voiced his frustrations and she only wanted to do it on several occasions. By tripping him up you mean pointing out his inconsistencies don’t you. Like him backtracking that he only ever joked about it.

So when someone asks for advice and you don't have it, instead of searching for something to trip the person up on. Think can I add any real and helpful information here or if not ask open questions with no judgement 🙄

Who do you think you are instructing me how to respond? I’ll respond how I like. He’s had advice, and just because he didn’t like it doesn’t mean it’s anger and hate.

Dead bedroom dudes give off a bitter victim mentality , like you did when you laughed that we are scared our husbands are out screwing someone else. Dick is abundant and low value. The chances are if we don’t want to fuck our own husbands nobody else will.

The reason I point out the hate and how bad some people talk about the OP is because what happens to a lot of men when relationships fail? You maybe lucky enough not to know any men that went through a bad breakup where they lost their best friend and kids. Then did something to themselves and are no longer here, but I have known men that have took that path and when I read comments degrading men and making out they are monsters, because they have lost that connection with their DW or partner. I feel it's only fair to call it out and point out the positive. Yes dick is everywhere and women hold the power and you can dress it up whatever way you want. When you sit there typing away, you don't know if it's your comment that'll lead someone to their grave or not. Screw the kids that maybe left behind because you like to man bash 🙄

You dead bedroom guys have a script. You nearly all say the same things about yourselves.You all describe yourselves in exactly the same way. You’re all excellent in bed giving multiple climaxes. You do all the housework, all the cooking and all the childcare on top of a full time job. You’re good caring husbands despite the fact you tell us you’ve been coercive, and you always always backtrack when challenged about this.

Your understanding of female sexuality is so warped you think buying your wife sexy underwear will make her want to have sex with you. When that fails it’s straight to suggesting swinging. You then come to places like this for advice, and label any advice you don’t like as hate and play the victim. Your wives are usually depressed and anxious and you usually got her pregnant very quickly in the relationship resulting in pnd.

I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

Here it is. It’s this transactional mentality that doing basic shit should be rewarded with sex that gives women the ick. You should have been doing all those things anyway and not because you thought you were going to get sex. Label it as hate if you want.

The reason I point out the hate and how bad some people talk about the OP is because what happens to a lot of men when relationships fail?

What happens to women and children when relationships fail?

You’re not bothered about the ops MH. The reason you’ve responded the way you have is you’re in a similar position to the op and it triggered you. You’re someone who also sees opinions you disagree with as hate and who also has a victim mentality.

Your post was really really manipulative. If i won’t think of the men will i at least think of the children🤮

I think he was trying to point out that he does a lot of the things that many women suggest as good ways to help their partners feel better on a day to day basis. A lot of women suggest a man does more to lighten a womans load to help her feel less stressed and tired to try help her libido. Give the guy a break he isnt one of the bad ones!

JoyDreamer86

Are you familiar with enthusiastic consent? Because this doesn’t sound enthusiastic does it, and I don’t think you’d like your daughter to be in this position. Note he talks in a self pitying way about how uncomfortable the sex was, with no regard to how his wife might have felt.

Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with. By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to

I am genuinely glad you don’t understand the reference to housework Joydreamer. I do, any anybody who’s been married to one of these types will also recognise it.

We will just need to agree to disagree. I dont think anything will change your view. You want to see the negative.

We will just need to agree to disagree. I dont think anything will change your view. You want to see the negative.

Yes I agree. Because we did speak briefly on a serious thread about sexual assault where you said that women sexually assault men and it’s not taken seriously 🙄

This is a man looking for intimacy with his wife, and coming on a forum for advice. I'm not going to compare that to serious issues in another thread. Crazy.

There is no comparison. I’m just aware you’re very misogynistic. “Lightning a woman’s load” indeed.

You can in the OP’s case.

It’s about mismatched sex drives.

If you’d been there yourself, you’d understand.

@OneMerryPoster I’m a woman who has been in your position, and occasionally still am depending on how things are going. I’d PM you if I could because a lot of what you’ve said runs parallel to my experience but we currently are unable to.

I won’t share too many details of my relationship on MN for many reasons, but I just wanted to say, you’re not alone and I know with painful accuracy exactly how you feel.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. I am another one who thought you’d be much older than 36.

All good points.

It's a very standard pattern here when men come complaining about lack of sex in their marriage: they get the occasional himpathizer (which of course the OP loves) but most PPs will be skeptical of their apparent domestic heroism and carefully curated accounts of how they behave perfectly towards their wife and yet astonishingly the cruel bitch doesn't want him.

And we're skeptical because most of us here have seen how stories like this play out, both here and in IRL.

Then when the OP is faced with PP skepticism, it always goes the same way: he curates his story even further. Like our OP here, now he's downplaying his sexual coerciveness towards his wife - which was blindingly obvious in his first - and most honest - post.

So instead of learning from us, and seeing where he could do better, he becomes self-defensive and calls us mean and hateful. Our OP continues to refuses to see that he is sexually coercive and harassing his wife and that this is likely why she's turned off having sex with him.

This self-defensive behavior is pretty much WHY the skeptics here know that OP is responsible for the lack of enthusiastic sex in his life: if he cant get over himself enough to listen to us, he's likely the same with his wife.

OP, the so-called mean and hateful posts are the ones that will help you the most. They're telling you straight how you can fix this. Look past your defences and your self-lies and your insistence that you're a nice man and start listening.

I personally think your marriage has a chance to become a good one given that your wife still occasionally jumps your bones with true enthusiasm. That means she still finds you attractive. But you've got to stop coercing her and feeling sorry for yourself: both are extremely unattractive, offputting, and unpleasant behaviors, and they will NEVER get you enthusiastic loving sex.

I think the OP has every right to be upset or defensive if he is being compared to rapists, sex pests, abusers etc. I think I can understand what the OP is trying to explain but perhaps the way some men describe things it can ge triggering for some people or it comes across wrongly.

Another part of the pattern is that despite being so unhappy they won’t divorce.They say it’s because of the children but at some point they reveal it’s really because they don’t think they’ll meet anybody else. This op admits he’ll probably be terrible if he meets another woman.

The entitlement to sex, coercion, bitterness and victim mentality is similar to that of incels.

You are getting flack here and I think it's unfair.
In your situation I would leave the marriage.
I am a woman with 3 kids but I think physical intimacy is important.
It can ebb and flow over any marriage of course. There's been times in my marriage where we've only been having sex once a month if that.
But we've spoken about it and the problem wasn't lack of wanting to it was genuinely life stresses and we worked through it.
It sounds like you have been trying a long time. But the issue may really be that sex isn't that important to her and her sex drive isn't as high as yours. And the sad fact may be that there's nothing you can do because you are just mismatched.. it wouldn't matter how relaxed she was or how attracted to you she was.. she's just not interested in having frequent sex.
And the bottom line is you both have a right to the sex life you want. You entered the relationship believing it would be one with a certain amount of sexual intimacy.. and that has changed seemingly irreversible. So it's valid to leave.
She also has a right not to feel pestered for sex all the time.
These rights may be fundamentally incompatible.
For me i would be considering leaving atthis point as staying will only make both of you miserable and resentful.

Poor guy cant win, if he stays he's being selfish if he walked away he would get called selfish and not be thinking of the kids. He thinks he might be terrible in bed with someone else, which is him putting himself down, and even that is getting attacked. He cant win can he!

He thinks he might be terrible in bed with someone else, which is him putting himself down, and even that is getting attacked. He cant win can he!

Putting yourself down is also part of victim mentality. Both the dead bedroom guys who’ve posted on here have alluded to self harm when challenged about their behaviour, a behaviour they probably resort to in real life.

Victim mentality and dead bedrooms go hand in hand.

I guess there is nothing he can do then!

I disagree there is nothing he can do. If he’s serious about improving his marriage he can seek individual counselling to address his victim mentality.

The op has been dishonest throughout the thread. Victims like him thrive on pity and playing the martyr. They set people up to persecute them which is what he did when he posted his detailed account of coercion on a woman’s website.

He knew he was going to be criticised. And when he was, he became dramatic and accused people of attacking him. When challenged further he backtracked and played the victim. Men like this do not come here for advice. They come here to be persecuted and to be validated that they are a victim of not only their horrible wives but all women in general.

Notanotherdad doesn’t even attempt to hide his contempt for women and both men respond to criticism by being emotionally manipulative and suggesting they might harm themselves. Threats of suicide and self harm is a hallmark of The Victim and something Lundy Bancroft talks about when he discusses The Victim in his book why does he do that.

I dont agree with anything you have said. If it was a female OP would you give her the same bashing for wanting to have sex and intimacy with her husband?

I can't say what I'm really thinking as I'm sure you would have it removed

I dont agree with anything you have said. If it was a female OP would you give her the same bashing for wanting to have sex and intimacy with her husband?

We both know there aren’t any threads where a woman coerces a man into sex.