My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.
In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.
By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.
By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.
Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.
Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.
Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.
By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.
Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”
To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.
I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.
I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.
I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.