Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

You had a life threatening trauma and he instantly wanted sex after and you chose to end things (understandably). That's completely different to this long timeframe where the woman has clearly wanted sex over the course of the relationship and wanted to have children with him. She also wanted him back after he left etc etc. They obviously love each other and have tried over a long period of time to make things work.

I’ve only read the first few pages but I think some posters are being unfair. If the OP didn’t let on that he was male and worded it a bit differently would the advice be the same - essentially “you are a sex pest who is forcing your spouse”. Unless I’m reading them wrong?
Intimacy is really important to a lot of people both male and female. I’m a woman with three kids and work full time and have been through months of no libido before, and also times when I couldn’t have wanted my husband more. Hormones have a lot to do with it and when I went through PND I didn’t want sex for a long time. My husband was completely understanding, but it’s human nature to be frustrated when you want to connect with your spouse in that way and can’t. It doesn’t make you a sex pest for wanting to have sex with your wife.

OP has posted for advice and been made out to be a terrible husband and father by some. The amount of people making assumptions is crazy. I do think a lot of posters have been triggered maybe by their own experiences, which is understandable, but I haven’t got the impression this man is a sex pest.

OP, my advice would be an open conversation between you both to talk about how you both feel. Both of your feelings and wants are important. Unfortunately if she doesn’t want it more often that is her right, but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with this for the rest of your life. I know I would struggle going months (and again, I’m female). Your wife’s feelings are important but so are yours. If your sex drives are this mis matched, it’s unlikely to change. I wish you all the best and hope you can have an honest conversation about what you both need going forward.

You can't compare sex for women with sex for men. For women, the stakes are so much higher. There are centuries of tge sexual oppression of women by men, it leads to pregnancy, women have often been sexually assaulted, if women have had children, they are likely to have various degrees of injury and repair of their genitals, can be injured by penetrative sex itself.

You recognise the script when you’ve seen it a few times.

Can we end the thread with this post? A fair sensible post acknowledging both sides.

For both of your sakes, you need to leave. Your wife no longer wants sex, for whatever reason, and it's better to leave if you can't cope with that than keep having "pity sex" that she doesn't want. And sorry to say, but women having sex that they don't want to have do not 'climax multiple times'. She doesn't want to do it, she isn't enjoying it, that alone should stop you initiating.

The moment you started 'counting' how many times... it was over then, and even the thought of that would give me such an "ick" that the situation would be unsalvageable. Your frustration is making you act like a pest, and making you resentful, and there is no way back from that. Nothing in this whole world would turn me off more than being pestered. Leave.

I don’t know where to start after catching up with everything, but I’ll try. So “pestering” this was probably the wrong wording, but how I talk. I don’t pester by keep asking when are we going to have sex? Or can we have it tonight, because that’s not attractive at all.
I will stand with what I said about it being jokey at first, because it was. I’d joke after seeing a sex scene on tv, there would be a silly joke made and where they the best jokes, probably not, but I got a smile or a chuckle. Then when it got to a long enough gap between us having sex or just being intimate in other ways. I did talk about it and ask if there was something wrong and we would have a grown up conversation. Repeating myself, but she is my best friend and we talk a lot.
So where I didn’t explain myself properly again, when I say pitty sex or I felt she didn’t want to have sex. This could be a few days after we spoke about our love life or if she had read something about it too. My wife would initiate it, this could be me walking into the bedroom and the romantic music was on and she was in bed waiting for me or something else. She has never said “I don’t want to do this” or anything similar and if she did I wouldn’t carry on. I just felt that it because we had spoken about it, that’s why we were doing it. Compared to when it just happens and we are just in the moment.

When it comes to the multiple O’s I thought I covered this and cleared it up. And when it comes to housework, I don’t think it means sex. Honestly I don’t want to live in a dirty house and if I made the mess or if I can clean it up, so I not looking at a mess. Then I clean up, it’s not for rewards, it’s because I would rather get it sorted.
I don’t see myself as a victim and that was definitely not what I was going for. I wish it was some research paper, but it’s not.

After reading this last update OP, if your DW is your best friend and you can talk about everything, she initiates sex and has multiple orgasms, you don't pester her, she's never said she doesn't want sex etc etc. etc, I'm actually now not sure what your problem is and what it is you actually want? You're just not making any sense and are all over the place.

As I said earlier, you guys are dishonest. As a pp said, there now doesn’t seem to be a problem.

You explained yourself perfectly well. Again, it’s part of the pattern with you guys. You make the unpleasant jokes and comments and obligatory sex happens. It is not a coincidence and you know that sex happens because of the comments which is why you make them. But it’s still not good enough because she’s not enthusiastic enough.

My ex made stupid juvenile jokes (passive aggressive remarks) about sex all the time. I didn’t want to fuck someone who sniggered about sex like a schoolboy and had the audacity to complain I wasn’t passionate enough.

You can fix this now, or you can try to fix it later with a new partner or you’ll end up on your own like my ex. The women you’ll meet at this age are not young twenty somethings like your wife was and they won’t tolerate your schoolboy humour, frustrations, or pretend to have multiple climaxes to boost your ego.

You guys complain you don’t get enough sex but act in ways that gives women the absolute ick. You seem to think it is your right to be seen as a desirable attractive man whether you are or not. When your sex life goes to shit the fault must lie with your wife, you cannot comprehend your own behaviour has caused it. Expecting passionate sex while behaving like Benny Hill is a testament to how you see yourself.

It is not your wife’s responsibility to pretend you are attractive, it’s your responsibility to be attractive if you want a wife who’s sexually into you.

You also need to quit the porn. It’s giving you unrealistic expectations.

I get where you are coming from with acting like a school boy, but making my wife laugh makes me happy. I do genuinely believe the image you have of me in your minds eye would be completely different if you was to see how me and my wife interact in real life. And my wife is never obligated to do anything, she’s a strong woman who does what she wants to do. She’s not a weak willed person as I said I wish you could see the dynamics of our relationship in real life and then you’d see it’s not what you imagine.

And I don’t know what I have to say about the multiple O’s, it’s not like I said oh she has at least 17 every time we are in bed lol it’s all dependent on what we are doing and how long we are doing it for, plus if we use a toy as well. If the wand is involved, I don’t take credit for them O’s.

When it comes to porn, I don’t watch a great deal of it and when I do, there’s not a man in site. So I can’t exactly recreate what I watch.

OP you will never manage to explain yourself to certain women on here so I wouldn't bother trying to. They will just get you tying yourself in knots.

If you come on a predominantly women’s forum, you have to understand that unfortunately the sad reality is that a lot of us have experienced coercive sexual experiences, and even more commonly: relationships in which the power balance has been unequal with our male partners. It’s just a fact of life. So that aspect will come into some responses.

If you want to know what is going on in your wife’s head about her attitudes, beliefs and feelings about sex, it might be a good idea to have conversations with her that are led by a trained person, such as a sex therapist, which would (ideally) create a safe environment for each person to express their feelings and to explore solutions and outcomes.

'Certain women' is so disrespectful. You are not a superior person if you have not experienced sexual trauma.

If I am one of those 'certain women' can you explain to me what this guys problem is? He said he counted (ick) that they had sex 12 times in 2024 so let's say once a month. I think for a lot of couples with young kids, work, the usual life stresses that's not all that unusual at all but he's still not happy. He's completely backtracked in his latest post and I don't think his porn usage will be helping. He says they can talk about everything so try talking to your wife!! He's obviously not happy with the replies he's getting from her so has come on here to find back up and validation that he's hard done by. There's nothing you can say to someone like this, his marriage will go down the pan and he'll be forever wondering why.

Oh my god is there anything you dont find to nit pick about. Shall I say 'some women' is that better?

He probably came on here to get other female perspectives to try and help understand the situation. A lot of assumptions have been made about him by some women. Another new one is about his porn usage when he has just said he doesnt watch it often.

The dishonesty just keeps coming doesn’t it.

I haven't imagined anything and neither has anyone else. I’m going off the information that you told us. And that information keeps changing. A few days ago things were so shit you were considering leaving. Now your wife initiates all the time and everything is great. Why did you post at all then? Are you even aware you’ve contradicted yourself?

You’ve posted detailed accounts describing your behaviour. When posters have pointed out that some of those behaviours could be an issue you have backtracked and claimed you weren’t doing those behaviours at all. Every single time. You’re constantly playing that’s not what i said or implying people are putting words in your mouth when they take you at your word.

The fact you feel comfortable doing this here, in writing tells me this is something you do regularly. You are literally rewriting history to the point you look like a fool. You must be exhausting to deal with in real life.

As for the porn, it’s not about recreating what you watch. It’s about the effects which is known to cause unrealistic expectations. A giveaway someone is a porndog is their complaints about lack of enthusiasm. If someone isn’t being enthusiastic enough you should not be having sex with them at all. This shouldn’t need to be explained to you.

Your wife has developed anxiety and is medicated for it. You mentioned this casually in later posts but it’s a big deal. Anxiety can be really debilitating and often goes hand in hand with depression. While she’s suffering with this you’re keeping count of how often you’ve had sex and are contemplating leaving her. That’s disgusting and not the actions of a supportive husband or a best friend.

Some people read OPs posts and can see what he is trying to explain and why he is saying what he is saying and for some people they are being triggered and it's making them view the posts in an entirely different way. I guess only OP knows whether he is a decent man or not. Yes some do exist. * Also porndog that's a new label I'd not heard of before now!

You can think what you like, you have created this storyline that I’m some sort of beast of a man. It doesn’t matter what I say or how I try and clear things up, you are only going to find bad.
I’m not rewriting anything, just trying to clear any confusion up, but boy is it a nightmare. You’ve made up your mind and it doesn’t matter what I say, you will find a way of twisting it and making it sound something far more sinister than it really is. As well as adding something extra to the mix, like the porn thing. I don’t watch that much of it, I don’t have the time and when I do it’s an all women cast, hence why I can’t recreate it. But I live in the real world and know that stuff is fake and I don’t expect my wife to act that way in the bedroom.

When it comes to keeping count or just marking it in the calendar, I know I’m not alone. I’ve spoken about this topic in real life with people and I’ve had women tell me they do it with apps on their phones for their cycles. I understand I only started marking it because I was being told I was wrong, but I don’t throw it in my wife face.

I think life would be easier if you found a discrete fwb if other areas of your life are fine. It sounds as if you are realizing little things about the state of your marriage and that might make it easier to mentally cut yourself off for a fwb

I’m not falling for this pathetic little performance. You’re contradicting yourself, gaslighting, and playing the victim because you can’t handle accountability. I’m done entertaining it.

I feel sorry for your wife having to put up with your gaslighting.

Agree, it's a complete waste of time

Good luck OP I hope you can both work things out in the long run. Sounds like there are more positives than negatives in your relationship.

😂

Glad I brightened your day.