Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I think you shouldn't discount therapy so much - this is a two way issue, even though you may not know what you're doing to create this impasse. You could say to your wife that you both need to understand each other better to work on the marriage - see what she says. Anyway it's obviously up to you, just a thought.

PS Good luck, i hope you both find happiness

OP, you've taken a bashing here. Sex is a normal and natural desire. It's part of a healthy relationship. There is a difference between demanding sex vs asking your partner if they'd like to be intimate. Sometimes if you don't ask, it will reach a point where it never happens. It would affect anyone's self-esteem to be rejected repeatedly. No one is entitled to sex, but I think it is important to have some passion in a marriage. Sometimes frankly you do do things in a relationship to please your partner, because relationships are built on compromise. Intimacy is both your responsibilities. Your wife isn't wrong for not wanting sex, but you're not wrong for wanting it either.

I think try and sit down and discuss how often you would both actually like to have sex in reality, then reach a compromise. Have you actually asked her this? Frankly discuss what you enjoy, and ask your wife to clearly express what pleases her, is there anything she isn't enjoying. Ask her what gets her in the mood, etc. Ask her how you can help her feel relaxed and sexy. That might be time for her to go and get her hair done, or dressing up for an at home dinner date.

Perhaps at first practice intimacy without the pressure for sex. Give her a romantic massage once a week. Share a bath together. Get some childcare, cook her dinner, and have a cuddle on the sofa. Learn to enjoy touch again without bringing up sex. Even just spoon naked in bed without doing the deed. Also don't discount scheduling in sex. You can make it sexy. Think of it as a date and something to look forward to. You can make it fun with some flirty texting. It's hard finding time for sex with kids and work!

Also, kids are a flame killer lol. I had a baby 9 months ago and I've had sex like twice. I'm breastfeeding and my baby occupies literally all my headspace, so there's little left for sex. At night I'd worry about waking the baby. Is there anyone who can have your kids overnight, or can you get away for the weekend without them?

It sounds like you really love your wife, so it sounds like it would be a shame to end things without trying one last time. Some women just don't have a sex drive though, so it may never improve. You will have to decide if you can live with that.

There are also some double standards here- if a woman wrote something similar, people would be more supportive. You don't come across like a man who sees his wife as a sex object- a man like that would not have stayed and tried for so many years.

What an amazing post and this is what we need more of!!

From what you've said OP, it sounds like your wife's libido is not as unusual as many people think. Women have peaks and troughs. They are most likely to want sex when they are trying to attract and secure a mate and when they want to conceive.

Humans are programmed to reproduce. Your historical patterns suggests that she was most interested in sex when she wanted to conceive. Once the decision was made to have no more offspring, her libido plummeted.

All you are left with is sexual desire for your partner and if she doesn't have that she is unlikely to get it back. However, if you split up and she wanted to secure another mate, her libido might resurface.

So unfortunately it's not really about you and what you do or don't do, it's more to do with nature which is why there is not really very much, if anything, that you can do about it.

This is so true and goes back to what I was writing earlier. The whole day is foreplay, and by that I don’t mean a slap on the bum or a grope while she’s doing the washing up. That’s not appropriate right now.

but it’s more holding her, making her feel special, writing her a morning text wishing her a good day, getting her favourite drink for her or food, just looking after her. Holding her hand.

I do think you’re in the worst years and if you stick it out things will improve but she needs to get out of mum mode to feel sexy id imagine. She’s thinking about topping up the lunch money for school, what new trainer size one of the kids needs, that one might have nits and she needs to buy shampoo and comb them all tomorrow night, that there’s not enough for dinner on Friday and she’ll two more chicken breasts, then there’s a birthday card to send to her sister, she needs to buy more tampax, it just goes on and on and on. I’m sure you’ve read about the ‘mental load’ carried by women - this is such a passion killer. We are never free of our ‘duties’ to our kids, to the house, to our bodies, so yes the husband often comes last, it’s not that we want it that way but it’s that it is overwhelming at times. You never get the sense of being free, ever. And that’s not sexy. At all. You just feel crushed. And then man comes along and makes another demand on your never ending list of things to do. So you do it, just to keep the peace. Your DW sounds exhausted and not that happy. Does she ever get any free time?

We must have a different definition of sexless. By the OP’s own calculations, he was having sex twice a month some months, once per month other months. When you are in the trenches with three young children, and alllllll the physical and hormonal changes her body would have gone through, it doesn’t seem that unusual or terrible. I’m going to stick to my assertion that he is not actually husband or father of the year material, despite what he may believe.

@4timesthefun
With that reply you have completely changed my mind. Let's stone this man and any like him 😂 how dare he ask for advice? After all he is the face of pure evil. A man who hasn't cheated on his wife and left her with his kids. Even when they only had sex 4 times in a year! 10 or fewer times a year is what's classed as a sexless marriage. Let's keep making him feel bad that he wants to connect with his DW 👍

I hope you get some decent advice here OP, for what it's worth I don't think you should be labelled by anyone as a sex pest for wanting sex with your wife. It's definitely implied in the marital arrangement and if she really doesn't want to do it with you almost ever, that's not fair on you.

Forget sex. Ask yourself how you might feel if your life partner, with whom you share your home, was constantly pestering you do do something that you did not wish to do. Might you not feel a bit pissed off and unable to relax in your own home?

This is how she feels.

In the end it boils down to the fact that none of us can have everything we want in this life and we just have to accept that. No partner would be totally compatible in their likes/dislikes and wants. That is just how it is.

@OneMerryPoster

Personally - I think your kids are too young for you to leave because you are not getting enough sex. Plainly speaking - you made them, you need to not break down their home. But....
Of course it is natural you want sex. And I get it that you want it with your W, however it is not possible. So - something needs to give.

If I understand the situation - it is a common one. Your W, for a variety of reasons is not into sex - too tired, kids, pain, confidence issues. It may continue this way for ever, or, she may rebound when kids are older.

You seem like you have an otherwise good partnership - work well to raise your kids, run the house. If the only arguments you do have are because of sex - then you need to change your mindset and solve that issue on its own.

And by that - I mean, change how you think about solving it. I know the advice here is to talk about it ad nauseum and be open. But, having once been in the place where your W is - i really did not want to talk about it. I did not want to think about sex, or about my H needing it. I sort of wanted the issue to go away - and, in some way, hoped he'll take care of it himself - either wanks, or finds someone. Of course - I didn't tell him - as such conversations are too difficult. But I just didn't want to be forced to face it.

It is really hard to go into an open relationship in the situation you are in. Open relationships work when people are happy with their sex lives and need a bit of adventures on the side.

And again - any sort of conversations about it would be her feeling she failed as a wife, and feeling that she'll need to agree to it just because she is lacking. This will not be a good place for either you or her.

As to you potentially be jealous of her "others" - this is highly unlikely.. The way you describe the situation - it's not specific to you. She is just does not feel sexy and sexual. And she has tiny kids - I have been in that blackhole. It feels like a "mother"-mode is incompatible with having any other adult feelings, like libido.
Mine did return later - when kids were older and more independent, btw.

The best thing for you would be a FWB in a similar situation. Not a popular advice on MN - or "what's right" - but just a pragmatic and realistic approach for now. You are only 36 - and kids are young. You sort of owe them to raise them as a family for, at least, a bit longer.

Outsource sex for a bit, see how things develop with W. You can always divorce in your 40s and start a new life. Many people do,

Good advice other than the bit about cheating on your wife! This would cause unknown psychological damage and trust issues and would likely make the relationship irreparable. If sex right now is that important to you- leave and coparent. Cheating on the mother of your children would also affect how your children viewed you when they are old enough to understand.

Either you try counselling, wait it out and hope it improves when the kids get older or you separate.

The thing you don’t consider OP is that if you leave you will become poorer, it takes a lot to run one household, now you would need to run two, only see your children at certain times, break their hearts in the process.

I always look at men who do this as putting their dick and need for sex before their kids.

I couldn’t do that.

The key is not to cheat but to try and understand why your DW doesn’t want to. It sounds like there are deeper reasons but while you keep badgering her and being sad/resentful about it she can’t share it without worrying about hurting your feelings.

Are you 100% sure she’s orgasmimg as much as you say she is? I would not wish to say it but I am thinking maybe not and now she cannot be honest. I’m not sure.

Again, I think her sex drive will come back but you must give her more time. Mine came back. But my DH was respectful and has never pressured me. I think the advice above is good, just to kiss and do nothing else. Let the anticipation build. It must be like in the old days where it was a choice not a chore. Have one long lustful kiss and then no more. And carry on with your day.

Only 1 tiny suggestion from me, to consider buying one of those little bathroom type locks you can slide across the bedroom door so you can both actually relax that no kids will invade if/when you do have sex.

"I’m going to stick to my assertion that he is not actually husband or father of the year material, despite what he may believe."

I agree with you.

OP, you clearly think you’re a “nice guy”, hence your long email defending yourself. But you’re not a particularly nice guy at all.

Your first post describes your wife’s physical hardships while being pregnant, birthing, and surviving the postpartum period, and trying to find the right contraceptive – but it’s ALL in the context of you not getting your leg over.

So over the last 14 years, this woman

• “experienced postnatal depression”

-had “prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks/month” -“often felt she too sore for intimacy” -took “the pill, which negatively affected her emotions” -got pregnant and birthed three children -and has a 3 yo.

This woman is exhausted and depleted by the heavy physical and mental burdens of early motherhood. WHY would this woman want to have sex with a man who:

• literally tracks how many times she has sex with him
• left her because she didn’t want to have sex with him as much as he wanted
• forced her to explore swinging (the upside-down pineapple - you never responded to the PPs asking who pushed this, so clearly this was driven by you)
• has sex with her when she’s clearly trying to avoid it
• who is so self-absorbed with his dick that he literally thinks his reluctant wife orgasms multiple times per session

Mate, you have been really coercive to your wife. You are forcing what is called unwanted consensual sex on your wife by threatening to leave her, pushing sex with other people on her (which is fucking heinous and I hope she didn’t actually have to have sex with someone else because of this), harrying her to have sex she doesn’t want, and tracking her like a damned sex accountant.

NO bloody wonder she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Jesus, give your head a wobble, man!

You’ve wrecked this relationship with your self-pity and self-absorption, and you’ll probably go into the next having learned nothing.

You are NOT owed sex in marriage, and your behavior is not that of a nice man.

Are you 12 years old? The maturity in your reply has me hoping you are ‘not another dad’ because you seem far too young to be one. No one has mention stoning, but the OP is painting himself as a very saintly husband here. It just seems unlikely to be the truth. He can ask for advice, and most of the advice seems to be that he needs to consider the fact in the time he has been upset about the issue she has had 3 pregnancies and deliveries, breastfed 3 times, and has had significant physical issues from different contraceptions. They still have 3 young children and life is exhausting. His posts don’t reflect any real understanding or concern for how her physical health and wellbeing have taken a dive, and how that has probably impacted the situation. The fact he has little consideration for this may be quite telling and I think that’s something most posters are picking up on.

You are allowed to advise him to leave and pursue more sex. That advice doesn’t really seem to consider the impact on the children at this young age, and the impact increased financial strain is likely to have on everyone, OP included. I personally don’t believe a child focused parent would be considering this as an option right now, but no one is talking about stoning him, and that’s ok. I can think that without believing he is a criminal. The hyperbole is just really silly and immature. Why don’t you give him some advice now rather than this faux outrage? He has said he wants to end it, you agree with that, give him some good advice now around talking to the children about the separation, how to approach the financial split, how to cope with the financial hit, managing shared care and co-parenting etc.

Yeah OP you are a bad man and maybe you should find that bridge @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta will give you a push if you need it 😂😂😂 the hate that Mumsnet generates is amazing 🥳

I can almost guarantee you she is not climaxing multiple times. Do you have an honest dialogue around sex and is she able to tell you what she likes because this screams faking it to me

@4timesthefun I think you skipped over where I praised and promoted a very well written response. If people want to hate on OP I'm not going to be able to stop them. They have made up their mind on this guy! We don't know if OP DW had any issues with her pregnancy or how long the PND lasted. With OP putting these details in shows that he cares about his DW.
OP will only get hate now as the wine moms have put the kids to bed and feel like a fight.

@OneMerryPoster some of the replies you have been given have been utterly disgusting, and I’m sure you must feel very hurt right now and wished you hadn’t posted:

A man complaining about a lack of intimacy and sex within a marriage on a predominantly women’s forum full of middle aged women is never going to end well for you, so please don’t read into most of the replies.

You are NOT a sex pest.

I suspect it’s not purely about the sex but the overall package of intimacy and closeness. Women on here generally feel most men are obsessed with sex and that’s all they want in a marriage/partnership - what utter bollocks.

Please remember , if what you say is true, This is not a you problem, it’s a her problem. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way but she needs to want to be intimate, you can’t force it. You need to decide if you want intimacy with your wife to bring you closer or if it’s just the sex you miss.

if it’s the former then back off with the sex, make her feel beautiful and concentrate on intimacy with no pressure for sex. Cuddle, kiss and be close.

if it’s the latter, then either leave or open up the marriage with her consent.

theres a thread currently in the sex forum asking how often those with children have sex. Most of the responses are between once a week and 5 times a week - I’m sure OP has seen this and he must be wondering why isn’t this me?

as others have said; if this was a women complaining the responses would be so so different.

if you were a few decades older I’d say that’s your lot, like it or lump it. But at 36 , you are far too young for. Life of near celibacy and unwanted sex.

Women can go off sex for a whole host of reasons.

As I said - I was there myself. And - instead of my H trying to get me to want sex, or talking to me about it, or whatever people are advising - I (secretly) WISHED he would outsource it - if that was what he needed. As long as he stops asking me.

So - not all women in that situation would care - and be devastated, or have psychological damage. Many would continue with their lives and not think about it. I was very clear that H had a physical need that I didn't want to fulfil. I was not going to try to "catch" him if he were to "outsource". I do not know if he did or did not....

So - a discrete FWB does not have to case deep damage. Divorce, on the other hand, will cause lasting devastation for all involved, and that is a certainty.

I agree. She’s probably doing it (faking it) to speed it up and get you turned on more so it’s over with quicker.

She’s clearly completely gone off sex. And I’ve had times like that too - complex medical history, pnd etc. It was absolutely nothing to do with my partner; you keep saying how unattractive you feel but honestly it’s absolutely nothing to do with the other person most of the time. It’s like a switch goes off in your head and you just feel incredible meh about it.

It’s all very well to talk about ‘outsourcing’’but what does that mean? It’s a pretty word covering an ugly reality. Does the OP have an affair, most likely with a married woman causing a lot of upset and hurt to her family? Does he use a prostitute or does he go on a dating site pretending to be single? In what world does a married man just find a willing sexual partner who doesn’t mind being used for sex? A situation where no one gets hurt, or gets a STD or is lied to? Quite apart form the fact that a decent man doesn’t want to have purely mechanical sex for the sake of it with someone he has no feelings for? It’s just nonsense.

You do realise that if you leave and start a new relationship you'll probably be in the same position in a couple of years time? Women aren't sex machines, their hormones and bodies go through a lot and there are peaks and troughs. Unless you love your partner through all of life's ups and downs you'll never be happy. The idea you'll suddenly get sex on tap if you leave is ridiculous because your attitude isn't helping. You e had lots of good advice , I hope you take it and appreciate your wife in all aspects of her personality

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻