Struggling with Intimacy in My Marriage

[OneMerryPoster]

My wife and I started dating in 2009, and in the beginning, our sex life was frequent. However, shortly after, we got pregnant.

In 2010, our first child was born, and my wife experienced postnatal depression (PND). She recovered with time and medication, but as new parents, intimacy naturally declined. She then got a contraceptive implant, which caused prolonged periods, sometimes lasting 2-3 weeks a month. When she wasn’t on her period, she often felt too sore for intimacy, and our sex life took a major hit. This continued for four years until we tried for another baby.

By “trying,” I mean we had sex twice—and got pregnant. But spotting during pregnancy meant we abstained again. After our second child was born, our sex life declined further.

By 2018, I felt like we had become housemates rather than partners. I ended the relationship, feeling unloved and disconnected, but my wife didn’t want to break up and promised things would change. To reignite our intimacy, we even explored an “upside-down pineapple” lifestyle, not engaging with others, just using the environment to reconnect. It worked briefly, but we realized it wasn’t for us.

Later, she switched from the implant to the pill, which negatively affected her emotions. To help, I took over contraception and used condoms. This improved things for a while, but in 2019, we got pregnant with our third child, clearly, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Like before, pregnancy meant abstinence, and after the birth, our sex life remained inconsistent.

Hoping to remove any barriers, I got a vasectomy, thinking it would help. But ironically, I feel it had the opposite effect on her sex drive.

Over time, I felt increasingly rejected, but whenever I brought it up, I felt gaslit about how often we were actually intimate. So in 2022, I started keeping track. That year, we had sex four times. When I brought it up, she blamed my work schedule. In 2023, with a better work-life balance, our sex life improved, to 17 time, but it didn’t feel natural. Most of the time, it seemed like “pity sex” or part of a forced “just pick a day and do it” routine. I felt like I was pressuring her, and it often felt rushed, just something to get over with.

By 2024, the same pattern continued: sex only happened when I expressed my frustration, and even then, it was rare. We had sex 12 times, and only once or twice did it feel like she actually wanted to.

Now, in 2025, it’s weighing on me more than ever. My wife says I don’t initiate as much, and she’s right, I’ve stopped trying because years of rejection have taken a toll. I’ve planned date nights, taken on the majority of the housework, cooked and been emotionally supportive, yet I always hear:
• “I don’t feel like it.”
• “I need a shower.”
• “I don’t feel sexy.”

To make matters worse, our youngest insists on sleeping in our bed, adding another barrier.

I love my wife and in many ways, we have a good life. I don’t want to break up our family and financially, living separately isn’t an option. I refuse to cheat, but at 36, I don’t want to live in forced celibacy either.

I’ve read about couples who co-parent while living together but separated and in theory, we have the space for that, though I have no idea how to bring it up. I’ve also read about ethical non-monogamy, but I fear that seeing her be sexually active with someone else would hurt even more, confirming that the issue isn’t her sex drive, it’s her lack of desire for me.

I hate feeling like “the guy pestering his wife for sex”, that’s not who I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Check out the reddit sub on dead bedrooms.

Yes I'm
Interested on who suggested swinging too? Why did you use that expression rather than swinging? Did you suggest it? If my H suggested it I'm not sure I would ever be interested again

This is one is done.

You have realised that before and she persuaded you to stick it out, you have done all you can. She isn’t interested in sex but is afraid of the impact of separating.

Seeking counselling but for how to amicably separate. Perhaps you live as housemates for a while but you need to have a careful exit plan that doesn’t harm the kids. Legal agreements of custody and divorce while carefully planning new living situations. Don’t get persuaded to waste more time trying what will never work.

This is harsh. I regularly read posts from women saying they have zero sex drive and it's nothing at all to do with how attracted they are to their partner.

This is harsh. I regularly read posts from women saying they have zero sex drive and it's nothing at all to do with how attracted they are to their partner.

Yes. I said stuff like that as well. Because nobody wants to actually say it to their spouse.

Sorry to say but these things rarely improve. In the end it really does boil down to:

• stay and put up with it
• stay and have affairs
• leave

Yes, pestering your spouse for sex and essentially threatening them into submitting to unwanted sex is really completely counterproductive.

I cannot understand why men think whiny entitled behavior like that will get them what they claim they want - a willing and enthusiastic sex partner.

Nope. All it will do is completely and utterly turn OFF their wife.

And if the pestering and pressure actually causes her to reluctantly agree to unwanted sex, she's likely being traumatized with every unwanted sexual encounter to the point that she feels violated and disgusted by the very notion of sex.

OP, you are not owed sex in marriage or in any other relationship. Like many of the men who come here complaining about lack of sex, you are so consumed by your wants and so focused on what you think you deserve that you can't see that you are trampling over your wife's NEED for bodily autonomy.

It's so obvious that she doesn't want sex, how can you even have sex with her?

If you were told to eat a whole chocolate cake several times a week or even once a month, would you want to? The same goes for sex: if you HAVE to do it because otherwise your spouse gets upset and shitty with you, it's not nice anymore, it's actually really unpleasant, and you'll increasingly see it as a disgusting invasion of your body and your physical autonomy.

I think in that case counselling may be an option you should explore.

If a woman wants a baby she will need to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Dont know why your putting that in the same category as the likes of rape

Train your child to stay in his own bed. That would be a start….

Firstly she could of had an abortion if she didn't want another child. Secondly condoms are probably one of the least reliable contraception methods hence why so many women prefer to be on contraception. Many women experience some issues with contraception but they still like to keep going with it for a while, not because they are forced to by their partner. Like OP said you have made so many assumptions.

She will climax multiple times?! 😂😂😂

Anyway I agree with others this situation is not going to improve upon previous levels

So accept it or suggest your other idea of living together but seeking intimacy elsewhere

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

It's so obvious that she doesn't want sex, how can you even have sex with her?

This is what bothers me about these threads. These men often complain that their wives aren't enthusiastic participants when they give in to nagging.

I don't understand how you can have sex with someone who is unwillingly going along with it.

Are you sure she’s climaxing multiple times? It seems very unlikely. Much more likely is that she is making noises in a performative way to try and get you to orgasm quicker to get it over with asap. In other words sex has never been enjoyable for her as it is primarily about her performing to meet your sexual needs. If you were a competent sexual partner you’d know what her genuine orgasm was like as you’d be achieving that through stimulation of her clitoris. If this is the case it’s no surprise she doesn’t want sex with you.

I agree with a pp. If sex is so good she’s climaxing multiple times why does she only want it when there’s been a conversation?

Op nearly ALL the men who post here about a dead bedroom claim they do most of the cooking and housework. Are you saying your wife lounges around each evening doing nothing while you cook and do everything?

I don’t believe you. Because if that was true you would be very angry and resentful about it and rightly so. There is thread after thread about it on here and some women end their marriages over it.

After reading all the replies, I do worry for people with poor mental health, I opened up and spoke about something that is impacting on my marriage. Then within hours, I was made out to be a lazy, unattractive, a sex pest and a crap in bed partner that doesn’t know how to satisfy my wife. If I had any past of self harm, after reading these replies, I think I would have been heading for the nearest bridge.

some of you have been very helpful and it has hit home, maybe she isn’t satisfied in bed and that’s why we go so long between. After reading the replies, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that my relationship is probably over, she is my best friend and every other aspect of our relationship is good. But maybe that’s all we are ment to be, just friends. It’s time to call it a day, there’s no point in dragging her to therapy and being made to feel like something is wrong with her and causing any more upset. I also agree that asking for sex is not sexy, but just to be clear I’ve never demanded sex or even gone grumpy when my advances have been turned down.

at that I’ll like to thank everyone who was helpful and put real thought into there response. To those who went down “all men are evil”, I don’t know who hurt you to make you view all men in this way. I personally try my best to be a good man, I give nothing but support to my wife and want nothing more than for her to be happy. You may make your own assumptions on me, but if you knew me I think those assumptions would soon disappear, I have no horns and I don’t believe I should be worshiped just because I have a penis.

I give nothing but support to my wife, yet after all she has been through physically to create our family unit, it’s time to dump her now she has bore my children and no longer spreads her legs often or enthusiastically enough.
Yes, we have you pegged all wrong. Husband and man of the year right here folks.

Children are passion killers. You must both be exceptionally fertile to have 3 kids and had so little sex. Sadly, I find young children do somewhat take the edge off romance and intimacy. You obviously need a lot of affection to feel wanted and needed, if that’s what is required to validate you, maybe it is worth breaking up your marriage and family. Friends have told me that caring for young children is actually a temporary stage, and when kids have their own lives (and fewer care needs are placed on each of you), the passion comes back along with plenty of time for each other. Either way, I would stop your date counting as that’s a definite turn off.

I would say I’m doubtful on how good the sex can be, because as you said why wouldn’t she want more? Honestly I don’t know, I can only say what I experience when it happens. I’d agree that it can be faked, but when you can feel it or taste it, I don’t think it’s faked. Is she always red cheeked and walking with wobbly legs after, no but the majority of the time it’s a nice mix of the both.

When it comes to the cooking and cleaning, she is not lounging about, we have 3 kids. So if I’m doing something, she will be keeping an eye on the kids, it’s all about balance. But getting angry and starting arguments over housework, is something I won’t do. Nothing good comes from screaming and throwing a tantrum, if I want something done I do it, I can’t expect people to bend over backwards. I understand that everyone paints themselves in a positive light online, but I’m a pretty chilled out and reasonable person.

Sounds tough OP. It is really hard to keep the flame alive in long term relationships. I know plenty of couples who struggle with it. Familiarity and the drudge of family life just isn’t sexy. I completely understand that you would not want to break or damage the family unit, but that you are also struggling with a dead bedroom. No advice but just saying I hear you and I think it’s great you have reached out for input.

😂😂 no mate you stay in this sexless marriage and be miserable like the rest of us. Screw it you only have one life and you should spend it feeling unwanted. That'll help build resentment and self loathing 🙄 it's better to end it as friends than to get to the point where you hate each other. They have kids and it's better for them if their parents can be in the same room as each other and not have to worry about family event in the future.

Amongst the bashing I think you have been given some good advice, but it involves some reflection and further effort on your part and your immediate jump to "my relationship is probably over" signifies to me that you really aren't interested in fighting for your marriage at all. You hoped we'd give you a magic wand that would quickly make your wife want to have sex more.
Your comment "there’s no point in dragging her to therapy and being made to feel like something is wrong with her" just shows how tone deaf you are. Therapy would be for BOTH of you, not to "fix" your wife. I think despite your belief you are the perfect husband you are equally to blame for the issues in your marriage.
Also just to say if you do split up and your bedroom performance isn't that great don't assume a new woman is going to be accepting of that either. Single women tend to have much higher expectations in the bedroom than married women who will generally be looking at the whole package of you as a person, not just the sex.

Please, please don’t leave your wife without at least trying counselling. I was in a very similar situation as you. I have three kids and my husband and I rarely had sex for around 7 years. It took me at least two years after each child to feel like myself again. I had no libido and just didn’t feel sexy. I might have even said I wasn’t sexually attracted to my husband at the time but now I look back and realise that wasn’t true as I’m very attracted to him now and he hasn’t changed. My husband tried to initiate but didn’t sulk or make it a big deal when I said I wasn’t in the mood. He might have asked me for a cuddle while he sorted himself out and I was happy to oblige. I have eventually found my desire for sex again (used podcasts, books etc) but it was on my own initiative as I realised I missed the intimacy. Now I’m the one who initiates and my drive it higher than his and I’ve had to deal with his rejection at times. Now I know how it feels I love him more for the way he dealt with it for years.

It’s important to add that it was never my husband’s skills in bed that put me off. When we did the deed he would always make sure I climaxed first and put a lot of effort in. But when you are tired and feel unattractive getting the urge to start is very hard, and as a woman it can take a long time to get there if you are starting from 0. The thought alone puts you off because you would rather catch up on sleep!

I dont know what the solution is but I just wanted you to know there is hope. Don’t throw everything away until you know there is no other way.

She doesn't want to have sex with you. Your options are to accept that and stay married or to separate.

I didn’t expect a magic wand, just some advice and I’ve had some good ones. The bit about therapy was because of a response on here, where someone said they were made to feel like they are the problem. I don’t want to do that to my wife and I’ve not just given up. We’ve been together almost 16 years and this has been an issue in our relationship for a long time. After reading the responses, like I said some hit home and essentially it’s going to be a heart to heart with my wife.

I know I’m not a perfect husband, but I can honestly say I try my best, I may fall down in places and have areas I need to improve on. Overall I don’t think I’m a monster.

when it comes to being intimate with another woman, I’ll be truthful I’ll probably be terrible. I know what my wife likes and I’ve not been with anyone else since we got together. So you’re right, when I eventually do get to that stage with another woman, I might not be great.
Yet it’s not something I’ve given much thought about, because that’s not what I wanted. I want my wife, I want to feel wanted and make her happy.