First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

Agree OP I’d be really disappointed and really questioning why he didn’t want me to stay

Yes, I'd feel like you do.

Would this be the first time you have sex ?

I'd be pissed off at his response too

Hmm, is that how it is these days with modern dating? Sex is scheduled?

Isn't it ususally just something that either happens at the end of the evening or doesn't? I'm not sure you can plan ahead like that!

Staying over doesn't have to mean sex. It's also a chance to spend more time together, in an intimate, relaxed way.

Sorry op. He's just not that into you.

Have you been to his home before?

Sorry I should have made this clear in my OP, we already have a sexual relationship. It isn't going to be the first time we DTD (just the first night we would be able to spend together in full)

You’re not being too sensitive, this isn’t a good sign. I think anyone would be concerned about why, given the rare opportunity, he doesn’t want you to spend the night.
Is there something he isn’t telling you? Have you seen his house/bedroom? Is his bathroom a disgrace? I think this needs a further conversation. I agree he’s pulling back and likely not that interested in you.

Mmm. I wouldn’t be impressed at that response.

Spending the night together is a normal progression after five months.

I would say that’s very strange and normally you would absolutely jump at the chance!
definitely pull him on this!

I've been to his house plenty yes. He's definitely not seeing anybody else, atleast I'm as sure as I can be that he isn't. He doesn't get much child free time when he isn't working himself.

"He's just not into you" is the first thing that springs to mind for me too, I'm cynical like that, but looking at the relationship and his communication/actions (other than this) as a whole really don't give me that impression.

For example, I was happy to keep things casual to begin with but he made it clear he was looking for commitment, told me he had feelings first etc.

I'm glad I don't sound like I'm being overly sensitive about this. I'm gutted.

I’d bet my mortgage that he snores and is embarrassed.

Yep, he's the snorer here.

I wonder if this is something to do with it.

He has mentioned in the past that he doesn't sleep that well at night.

After mulling it over since posting here I did reply to him and say I thought it seems odd to pass up the opportunity to spend the night together for the first time, and he just replied with " 🤦🏽‍♂️ "

Doesn't look like he's going to elaborate any further does it?

😔

I can't really think of a reason that i could accept in the circumstances you describe. It's a shame but it would make me question things.

Yeah that's a weird response. Is he embarrassed? Or exasperated? I'd try again one more time to find out what his objection is... just say something like, "I don't want to force myself on you, but I was actually looking forward to spending the night together... is there another reason you don't want to, as the things you've mentioned aren't really issues for me?" It does seem very odd given what you say about his general keenness.

It might be he's just got used to the way things have been.

He might be terrible in the mornings.

Let the conversation evolve.

If he doesn't want to spend the night with you on reflection then this isn't a serious relationship and you shouldn't just go back to these hook ups.

I've never started a sexual relationship without me spending the night. It might not have been the best idea.

I’d feel the same OP. 99.9% of people would jump to the chance of a whole night together so the fact he’s making excuses doesn’t bode well imo.

Agree

@BellaGothTheSecond Sounds like he likes the set up . Sounds more like a fb than a relationship.
Doesn’t want proper time with you but wants the sex.

Do you have friends you can meet with instead ?
Book yourself a night in a hotel enjoy time
out . Ditch him .

I'm a terrible sleeper and used to make men sleep on the sofa bed in the living room. I physically couldn't sleep in a bed with someone else. My DH is the one because he slept on the sofa for 6 months and didn't run away 😆 I was totally upfront with guys through unlike this guy. Maybe you should just ask him?

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think he's probably a snorer or there's some other health issue that you don't know about that makes him uncomfortable with overnight stays. I would leave it for now, but speak to him about it when you're together next.

When they are next together ? Seriously ?
so OP pops along he gets a shag and sends her on her way after her 3hrs time slot .
Not a chance would it be me !

Wow.

Um, I think it was probably a mistake to try to deal with this through messaging.

You should probably actually talk to him in person or on the phone at some point soon.

But that emoji is a pretty shitty thing to send tbh.