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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/03/2025 21:45

Op don’t over catastrophise this. It’s only been 5 months

TealOP · 04/03/2025 21:45

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2025 21:42

He might just be grateful for his own child free night and is looking forward to free bed and quiet morning.

And that’s fine if he was honest with OP instead of only communicating via a childish emoji!
If he wants a lie in on his own instead of a cuddle and breakfast together on a rare opportunity, then OP knows where she stands in his priority list. Right at the bottom, sadly. He wants food, sex, then to get rid and be on his own. She deserves better than this.

Hwi · 04/03/2025 21:46

He is not that into you.

category12 · 04/03/2025 21:46

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2025 21:42

He might just be grateful for his own child free night and is looking forward to free bed and quiet morning.

Not exactly the signs of a man in love and in the lusty honeymoon period of a new relationship 🤓

DGPP · 04/03/2025 21:47

He’s not that into you, I agree. Make up an excuse and cancel the date. Let him chase you and then if needs be you can have a serious chat

Gymbunny2025 · 04/03/2025 21:47

I'd be tempted to say in that case you'd rather not drive back late so let's just have dinner then you'll drive straight home.

Taking sex off the table will probably force the issue one way or another. But whatever his reason, even if he does tell you, it doesn't look like you'll be spending cosy nights in bed together so...

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/03/2025 21:48

This is odd and I would be picking him up on it and asking why. If I don’t like the answer, or he wont engage, then I’ll at least know what I’m dealing with. I wouldn’t want a timeslot for a shag then an ‘off you go home now’, no way!

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2025 21:48

TealOP · 04/03/2025 21:45

And that’s fine if he was honest with OP instead of only communicating via a childish emoji!
If he wants a lie in on his own instead of a cuddle and breakfast together on a rare opportunity, then OP knows where she stands in his priority list. Right at the bottom, sadly. He wants food, sex, then to get rid and be on his own. She deserves better than this.

Show quote history

He didn’t just put an emoji he said that he wanted to be considerate of her baby sitter and that a few hours was enough for now.

theyre both single parents it’s normal to be cautious about people staying over

AllTheTreesOfTheField · 04/03/2025 21:50

It does seem to be on his terms a lot of the time, with me bending more to accommodate his schedule more so than he does mine.

There you go. He just wants company and a shag when he schedules it. You are definitely not on the same page. Sounds like he's stringing you along.

MellowCritic · 04/03/2025 21:51

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2025 20:08

I’d bet my mortgage that he snores and is embarrassed.

You might be on to something.. we have automatically assumed the worst thinking he doesn't want op when it most probably is something else like you said. If you like someone enough to see them for dinner, take them back to yours , do you really care one way or the other if they stay over enough to ask them not to stay... i doubt it, its also not like ops over all the time, and he's worried about his space. Looks like unless he speaks up we won't ever know.

Honeyroar · 04/03/2025 21:52

I would feel deflated too and would be considering jacking the whole evening and doing something with friends. I wouldn’t push for more explanations, I’d leave him to come back and see what he said. If he glossed over and didn’t really elaborate I’d definitely not be going.

Glitchymn1 · 04/03/2025 21:52

TealOP · 04/03/2025 21:45

And that’s fine if he was honest with OP instead of only communicating via a childish emoji!
If he wants a lie in on his own instead of a cuddle and breakfast together on a rare opportunity, then OP knows where she stands in his priority list. Right at the bottom, sadly. He wants food, sex, then to get rid and be on his own. She deserves better than this.

Show quote history

^ This
You asked a question and he’s shut you down with an emoji. He’s got/had his cake and he’s eating it, he’s enjoyed it and no need to make it anymore than what it is.
If he had answered properly, that would be something.

I’d either go for food with and that’s it, or preferably see my friends. I can’t see this relationship progressing.

autisticbookworm · 04/03/2025 21:53

So it's either-

He wants to have sex and then you leave.

Or

He's not comfortable with you sleeping over for some reason

Ilovelurchers · 04/03/2025 21:53

HaveAShower · 04/03/2025 20:41

Might he be a vampire?

This response really made me laugh.....

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/03/2025 21:58

The fact he can't even communicate properly is a deal breaker.

End it

Ilovelurchers · 04/03/2025 21:59

I think he might be one of these guys who gets really stressy about sleeping, and can't sleep on bed with somebody else. I had an ex like this. At one point we lived together, but he insisted on separate rooms. To be honest, I hated it, and it was one of a number of reasons the relationship broke up.

Currently my partner and I don't live together, and it's true I don't sleep as well when he is there currently (even though previously we lived together and I slept fine) - the bed is too small and I am just not used to someone there all the time, plus he has a chronic pain condition that disturbs us both. Nonetheless, I would never actively choose for him not to stay - it's lovely to spend the night with the person you love, even if you don't perhaps sleep as well as you might otherwise. When it's only an occasional opportunity, you suck that up, for the sake of the closeness/cuddles/intimacy it brings.

I wouldn't break up with him over this right now, but I would definitely be wanting to investigate further. It's not a great sign. Sorry OP.......

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/03/2025 22:00

It could be that there is a genuine reason that he’s embarrassed about that makes him not want you to stay over; snoring, bedwetting, sleep walking etc.

I would probably send him an emotionally open and honest message saying that you feel rejected he doesn’t want to spend the night as you were to do so and that you don’t understand why, ask him if there’s something he’s embarrassed about and tell him that it’s not going to be a dealbreaker for you if so. I have suffered from bedwetting as an adult and it’s so embarrassing and has definitely been a reason I didn’t pursue relationships at the time as I was always scared of rejection. He may have a genuine issue which he is too embarrassed to tell you about and he’s just trying to save face.

If even after you’ve tried to be supportive he can’t give a good reason then I think I would also be questioning if he’s just not that committed or into you or wondering if he’s has a very different view of what he wants a future relationship to look like than you do.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 04/03/2025 22:05

I'd love the option of dinner / date / sex, then back to my own lovely bed, in my own lovely house - bliss!

I appreciate I'm in the minority though. If I were in a new relationship, I'd definitely explain the situation to the other person, rather than just leave it hanging. Or more likely, just stay over / let them stay, and endure it, if it was very occasional. As I appreciate most people do like and expect it.

DingDongAlong · 04/03/2025 22:05

If things are good in general, I'd give him a chance to give you the proper reason.

If I was in the dating pool, I'd feel very self conscious about having someone stay the night because I've started snoring. I'm more overweight than I have been which is probably the culprit. I might try to defer rather than give the reason as I'm embarrassed.

But if this is another thing in a list of things that are disappointing, then maybe move on.

Nellsbell · 04/03/2025 22:07

If you haven’t already I think you need to spell out to him by conversation that you are free all night and you are not going home! I think pointing out your mum doesn’t want/need you is fine too. Maybe he just didn’t understand! If he still gives the same response you have an issue.

summer3219 · 04/03/2025 22:12

When I dated I never wanted to spend the night with anyone either. I sleep badly with another person, don't want to cuddle or spoon, it just has no appeal at all. I wouldn't have expected others to feel the same though or not been upfront about it.

Whatever his reasons it sounds like you both want different things or have different expectations and unless he is willing to discuss it properly then it's not going to work.

Cafenoisette · 04/03/2025 22:16

I wouldn't go. You don't seem to be on the same page. He is not as invested as you.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 22:22

I really appreciate you all taking the time to give such thoughtful and helpful replies, thank you.

Some more context that might be relevant to the topic:

He sleeps in bed with his DC in their bed fairly often (it's a security/comfort thing for DC who is still quite young (7) and has been through a lot over the past year)

He has mentioned DC having an accident (bed wetting) in the night once or twice over the last 5 months. DC's bed, not his.

Might it be him who has the issue with bed wetting? I don't think so, his own bed/mattress is immaculate, but of course I can't say for certain.

He has previously mentioned the fact he doesn't sleep very well in unrelated conversations.

Personally - I'm not great at sleeping in bed with other people as I've got so accustomed to not sharing my bed, but as PP highlighted, usually people are prepared to make a sacrifice here and there in order to spend that time with somebody you have feelings for, surely?

It's also possible he just wants some time alone and feels burnt out from work/solo parenting (I can relate to the latter), has a limited social battery etc.. but in that case why not just say that?

I like to think of myself as an understanding person and would take any of the above much better than I've took the brush off and the half arsed emoji.

I didn't respond to that and I'll be leaving the ball in his court to get in touch tomorrow.

I would like (and feel I need) to have an open conversation about it so I know where I'm at and how much investment I should be giving the relationship going forward.

I think he's going to try to sweep it under the carpet so I'll be going forearmed with the suggestions on the thread for how to address it when we talk.

OP posts:
Sidge · 04/03/2025 22:24

For me it would be less that he wouldn’t want me to stay over, and more the lack of communication. Shutting you down with an emoji is just cowardly. Words are better, even if they’re not necessarily words you’d want to hear.

Communication is fundamental for me.

Ygfrhj · 04/03/2025 22:30

If he doesn't usually get child free time then maybe he's looking forward to having the house to himself and a bit of alone time? Perhaps he thought he was sparing your feelings by not spelling that out and that you'd be happy with your usual set-up.