First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

I just don’t like the way he pretty much gave you a time slot.

Cancel the whole evening with him and find a friend to go out with

if you say you are hurt about his lack of response but carry on along his plans he’s effectively got what he wanted with a couple of uncomfortable text messages which isn’t much

so as he isn’t listening to your words it’s action time

cancel the date/meet up - he thinks he’s getting easy sex and then you go away as he wants

screw that

and don’t be available next time he’s free or the next

I think he's enjoying a sexual relationship with you, and that's as far as it goes. Which is fine if you're OK with it too. But it seems a bit soulless. I think I'd be considering if I wanted to risk my heart with this man.

So he only wants to see you with the children OP? Not just you two or am I reading that wrong? If so, fairly big red flag in my eyes

If it meant that, he'd follow up with "shit, sorry I wasn't thinking" or something. Not just facepalm and silence.

This

I would ask him directly what the real reason is, and make it clear that staying over is important to you.

If he doesn’t budge or refuses to have an honest conversation with you, then I wouldn’t be going, absolutely no way would I accept being given a time slot for food and sex before being sent home to my mother.

This doesn't strike me as a committed relationship. It seems he wants the sex and to spend a few hours with you..... but anything that requires a bit of effort on his part is too much for him as he doesn't want a deeper emotional connection.

I don't think I'd want to see him as that evening has been already overshadowed.

Snoring, farming, morning breath, needs a pooh first thing, has lots to do in the morning x doesn't want to kick you out early, values his solitary odd morning...so many reasons. Don't read too much into it, you'll hope laughing about it in a while.

Farting not farming!

Not at all.

how mich do you know about his living areangements?

Lol - I mean farming could be a good reason too, has to get up at cock-crow to feed the animals 🤣

Yes not a good sign and id be rethinking the night out and the whole relationship tbh. I’m not needy but if I guy gave me that reaction (and the emojis wtf?!) I really would think he’s not that into me. I’m sure you can do better,

I'd be inclined to send a message saying something along the lines of.

"I'm a bit confused why you'd be thinking of my mum on my behalf, or talking about snoring? Honestly, I'm feeling quite rejected as this is a rare opportunity to spend extra time together that I felt excited about, and had mistakenly thought you would too. Perhaps we're not quite on the same page with what we're looking for here? I can see that you don't want to talk about this, which isnyour prerogative, but it has left me wondering what I'm missing. I'm going to say let's skip dinner this time."

I'd leave it for now - I think that there is a danger of everything deteriorating because of a breakdown in comms over text.

Just go for a few hours and take that opportunity to try and understand what's going on when you are face to face.

Hes allowed to choose not to spend the night with you

Hes also choosing not to tell you why , hes obviously not telling you the truth so far

You have to decide what to do now

I wouldn't be to hard on him there are so many things it could be and is to embarrassed to say such as snoring, sucking his thumb, sleep talking, sleep apnea, bladder issues. Or he might struggle with his social battery and can only cope being sociable for a few hours at a time. The truth will come out eventually it's just he's not ready yet. I wouldn't push him on this. You've spent time at his so you know he doesn't have a family he's keeping from you. You've slept together so he's not hiding anything there. So I would just let it be for now.

This!

Otherwise he's really not that into you & you'd be better off moving on from him to give yourself a chance to actually meet someone who is into you. Sorry Op.

Dunno about you but I usually shit in the bathroom. Which is even possible with guests in the house!

OP his communication sounds pretty bad. Is he really worth the bother?

You are owed an explanation so I'd push for one.

Thanks all, you've given me a lot of good angles to think about.

Before I even came back to the last page of replies I was considering cancelling the date, so it's validating to see other people saying that's what they would do too. I don't want to look like I'm throwing my toys out of the pram but the allocated time slot has upset me.

I agree the lack of clear communication is just as much of a problem in itself.

About how the relationship is in general: I'd have said fine, although the time constraints we're up against can be a bit of a PITA (from my perspective) as I would like to be able to spend more time together.

I don't think he does though does he?

It does seem to be on his terms a lot of the time, with me bending more to accommodate his schedule more so than he does mine.

No she isn't

Op leave it a day or so and just txt saying something come up with a friend, sorry will take a raincheck , I wouldn't let him know your upset, quite rightly, but you take control of this situation, he hasn't bothered to explain so don't show your hand, play it down, and may be next meet up if you felt the need to tell him then, but I personally wouldn't tell him, bloody cheeky B, so you can go back and have sex and see yourself out afterwards wow!!!

Quite honestly, any man who answered the serious question with an emoji would be dumped by me anyway!

He might just be grateful for his own child free night and is looking forward to free bed and quiet morning.