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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
Emptyandsad · 04/03/2025 22:33

Texting is a bad way to communicate anything serious or sensitive; emoji as a tool for communication about sensitive things is just ridiculous. I suggest you sit down with him face to face and ask him if he doesn't want you to stay over and if not, why not. How does that decision fit into the context of your developing relationship.

And, if he doesn't give answers that reassure you, LTB

ChaliceinWonderland · 04/03/2025 22:34

I'm in the same position...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/03/2025 22:34

He sounds a bit immature with his emojis

AthWat · 04/03/2025 22:35

Sidge · 04/03/2025 22:24

For me it would be less that he wouldn’t want me to stay over, and more the lack of communication. Shutting you down with an emoji is just cowardly. Words are better, even if they’re not necessarily words you’d want to hear.

Communication is fundamental for me.

See, this is why an appropriate response to the emoji would be "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/03/2025 22:36

I wouldn't have sex with him if you do see him and say it's as you don't feel comfortable having sex if your not invited to stay over

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/03/2025 22:36

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/03/2025 21:58

The fact he can't even communicate properly is a deal breaker.

End it

I agree

ArabellasHorse · 04/03/2025 22:37

Does he wear false teeth or a toupee ? 🤭

Charliec12 · 04/03/2025 22:42

healthybychristmas · 04/03/2025 21:40

Quite honestly, any man who answered the serious question with an emoji would be dumped by me anyway!

I agree, it seems a bit insensitive. The facepalm to me means well duh.

JadededViewer · 04/03/2025 22:44

Ah, @BellaGothTheSecond , you’ve laid your cards on the table, expecting a matching hand in return—only to find he’s playing a different game altogether.

Now, you could sit there, dissecting every syllable of his excuse, wondering if his reluctance is consideration or hesitation. But let’s not kid ourselves when a man wants something, truly wants it, he doesn’t measure his time in "a few hours."

He clears the night, the morning, the damn calendar if necessary.

So what’s really at play here? Maybe he’s cautious, maybe he’s comfortable keeping you at arm’s length, or maybe just maybe he enjoys the anticipation more than the reality. But you, my dear, are not a passing pleasure or a puzzle to be solved on his terms.

If he’s falling in love, let him prove it. If he’s hesitating, let him explain it. Either way, don’t let someone else’s uncertainty make you question your own worth.

wordler · 04/03/2025 22:46

It's only been five months - he might just not be at the 'stay the night' stage yet. The problem is once you do stay over it becomes the expectation for any childfree nights, you can't roll it back. It's also okay to feel that the relationship doesn't work for you if you are out of sync with this right now.

I think a no pressure, no guiltmaking conversation about whether this is a 'not ready yet' vs 'don't see this ever becoming more serious' would be the best first step.

Once you can tell whether this is just a slower timeline to more intimacy or a FWB relationship, then you can decide if it's for you.

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/03/2025 22:46

ArabellasHorse · 04/03/2025 22:37

Does he wear false teeth or a toupee ? 🤭

Or a secret heavy drinker is what I am
thinking. He says he doesn’t sleep well could be up till middle of the night drinking .
Or have IBS . It really could be any reason but right now I’d see it that he is just after sec and nothing serious. .
He need to tell and show OP otherwise

Squigglesandgiggles · 04/03/2025 22:50

From another POV op- I really love my DP. And in the stages you guys are at I used to love spending time with him but I really didn’t like spending the full night with him at mine.
not because I wasn’t into him but I too have 3 dcs and alone time is so rare that I really valued it. I really enjoyed us spending time in the evening etc but I also needed to have that good sleep and Abit of a lie in to feel happier.
i could sleep at his no problem, but that’s because I could leave when ever I wanted however early and not feel awkward someone was in my house when I was wanting alone time 🤣
he did take it very personally and he thought I wasn’t into him. No matter how I tried to explain it he just didn’t get it. I did have to compromise and have him spend the night more often so he didn’t feel so shit, but I was a little resentful about not having my very rare quiet morning alone.

Flopsy145 · 04/03/2025 22:52

Ygfrhj · 04/03/2025 22:30

If he doesn't usually get child free time then maybe he's looking forward to having the house to himself and a bit of alone time? Perhaps he thought he was sparing your feelings by not spelling that out and that you'd be happy with your usual set-up.

I think this too. Men find it hard to admit to burn out or stress but he could be feeling this, want to chill with you but then have a night to himself in his own bed and a lie in. Tbh I could see the appeal in his shoes. But yes he should have communicated that if that is the case

PullTheBricksDown · 04/03/2025 22:58

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/03/2025 22:36

I wouldn't have sex with him if you do see him and say it's as you don't feel comfortable having sex if your not invited to stay over

Yes, I'd go for dinner and then go home. I wouldn't go to his and have sex with him, then get dressed and go home. He can have the space he wants all night.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/03/2025 22:58

5 months is too soon for me to spend a night with someone. Too much physical contact would send me into meltdown. Anyone assuming I was obligated to host them overnight would end the relationship too.

You only see each other once a week for five months @BellaGothTheSecond, it's not that much. Imo you are being very OTT just because you think a child free night automatically entitles you to stay overnight in his home. It doesn't.

category12 · 04/03/2025 22:59

It's only been five months - he might just not be at the 'stay the night' stage yet.

Really? At five months in, I'd expect him to be excited and keen to spend the night together if we never had before.

It's the at it like rabbits stage, an opportunity to take your time, swing from the chandeliers, wake up together, morning sex and breakfast. 😂

I'd want a lot more enthusiasm at five months.

kungfoofighting · 04/03/2025 23:01

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:15

I wonder if this is something to do with it.

He has mentioned in the past that he doesn't sleep that well at night.

After mulling it over since posting here I did reply to him and say I thought it seems odd to pass up the opportunity to spend the night together for the first time, and he just replied with " 🤦🏽‍♂️ "

Doesn't look like he's going to elaborate any further does it?

😔

Show quote history

Oh - could it be a sleep issue then do you think?

Quinlan · 04/03/2025 23:04

You sound like you have a very busy life with a lot of pressure already so I really wouldn’t waste anymore time with him, not if he can’t even communicate and is playing silly games with emojis.

Crazybaby123 · 04/03/2025 23:11

Is he precious and pedantic about his space? Does he feel guilty about the relationship becuase the kids make him feel that he should not be seeing anyone after splitting with their mum? Does he snore or have weird sleep habbits? Does he have bad morning breath? I would demand to know his reasons. They might be valid or at least understandable but you also need to know if they are not.

Cardinalita90 · 04/03/2025 23:14

I'd be hurt but the facepalm emoji response would piss me right off. Its such poor communication and disrespectful when you were trying to understand the issue.

I wouldn't dignify it with a response and let him initiate the next contact and if he didn't address his reasoning or apologise for that emoji text, I'd end it. You want a grown up that communicates, not shuts you down with a fucking emoji. Ask yourself , you're 5 months in and your boyfriend doesn't want to spend the whole night together on a very rare opportunity. What if he doesn't want to do this next time either? How is your relationship developing If your partner won't communicate or help it to grow?

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 23:17

Agree I would feel a bit rejected but try not to get too upset about it and probably not push again for an explanation. Agree texting is a bad way to resolve this. I would go with an overnight bag in the car ( or essentials in a large hand bag if you’re not going by car) and enjoy the evening .
It might be that he is worried he won’t be able to “ get it up” .
Alternatively if he is raring to go then kicks you out/ orders a taxi afterwards then he probably isn’t what you are looking for

Normallynumb · 04/03/2025 23:20

I'd feel exactly the same

SwerveCity · 04/03/2025 23:23

I’d cancel and tell him where to shove his emoji.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 23:23

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/03/2025 22:58

5 months is too soon for me to spend a night with someone. Too much physical contact would send me into meltdown. Anyone assuming I was obligated to host them overnight would end the relationship too.

You only see each other once a week for five months @BellaGothTheSecond, it's not that much. Imo you are being very OTT just because you think a child free night automatically entitles you to stay overnight in his home. It doesn't.

I understand you feel that way and if that's how he feels too then he's welcome to tell me as much and I would hope that he does.

About the amount of time we see one another - the 4 or 5 hours once a week I mentioned. That is 4 or 5 hours of 1-1 time alone spent together but I actually 'see' him more frequently than that.

I'm trying to be vague because i know atleast one friend of mine uses this forum and don't want to be recognised.

As I mentioned in my OP I already knew him personally and given that we do know one another beyond just this 4-5 hour date once a week, staying overnight at this point doesn't seem pushy or OTT at all.

It was only yesterday he was suggesting we plan some days out together with our DC for the easter holidays. IMO that tends to come much later than spending a night together so I'm feeling quite miffed with this today as it felt like he was pushing for some progression himself.

OP posts:
flowerrrrpoweerr · 04/03/2025 23:30

I would think he doesn't view you as relationship material or isn't looking for a relationship so likes to keep it to casual bunk-ups