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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:30

I did ask why he didn't want me to stay over and all he came back with was what I wrote in my OP about being considerate of my DM having my DC and the joke about not wanting to hear me snore.

I didn't reply for a while and posted here instead for some perspective, then went back to him and said it seemed odd he would want to pass up the opportunity to spend a full night together and that's when he sent the facepalm emoji " 🤦🏽‍♂️" and no further context.

He's either embarrassed about something or as some of you say, doesn't want to change the dynamic.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/03/2025 20:34

The facepalm is him closing down the conversation as it’s getting uncomfortable for him, tie some reason. At this point I would not only be upset but feel like I’m being made to shut up about it too!

Olika · 04/03/2025 20:36

This would probably turn me off him as it makes me feel like he isn't that serious about you two. That he just wants food and sex, and off you go.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 04/03/2025 20:37

What is the rest of the relationship like?

This is a typical move of an avoidant man. Physical intimacy great, sleeping together afterwards/the intimacy required not so much.

I suspect if you want more than sex and a couple of hours together going forwards this guy isn't for you. He doesn't care that you can't usually stay the night as your current arrangement suits him just fine.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:38

AnonAnonmystery · 04/03/2025 20:34

The facepalm is him closing down the conversation as it’s getting uncomfortable for him, tie some reason. At this point I would not only be upset but feel like I’m being made to shut up about it too!

That's exactly how I feel.

It's very "I don't want to talk about it so end of" isn't it?

It doesn't bode well for me right now.

OP posts:
MrsBarryGrant · 04/03/2025 20:39

He’s hiding something and is embarrassed. Perhaps he’s a bed wetter?

RightThenFred · 04/03/2025 20:40

I think for now, just assume he has some weird hang-up (like snoring) and now he's boxed himself into a corner.

Bring it up gently in person, and gauge the situation.

JemimaFlubberCluck · 04/03/2025 20:40

Push for an explanation? I think it’s a fair question and his reasons sound like bullshit.

HaveAShower · 04/03/2025 20:41

Might he be a vampire?

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 20:41

He might not feel ready to have a woman stay over.

If it was the other way around everyone would be more understanding of a woman not wanting a man to stay.

In the past there’s been loads of times I could have had a man stay but was happier only seeing them for a few hours. I like my space.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/03/2025 20:42

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:38

That's exactly how I feel.

It's very "I don't want to talk about it so end of" isn't it?

It doesn't bode well for me right now.

Show quote history

I think take it now at what it actually is sadly. I’m
so sorry, I can really hear your pain. He might be putting down a boundary or feeling uncomfortable for some reason. I wouldn’t text anymore tonight, they see him in person or let him initiate that and talk if you can. It’s obviously he wanted to tie you down in a way but now it comes across that he’s not invested enough … unless there’s a really good bloody reason for this weirdness.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 04/03/2025 20:43

Nah, fuck that shit. Life is too short for nonsense like this making you feel like shit.
In your position I'd message him and say on reflection it's just not going to work for you this weekend so you're giving it a miss. I'd then see if friends were free and do something with them.

MaryGreenhill · 04/03/2025 20:45

Does he pee the bed OP?
If he doesn't l can't see why on earth he is being so cagey tbh

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/03/2025 20:45

I'd be hurt too. There might be understandable reasons, but he should be upfront about that, his communication is bad here

Zanatdy · 04/03/2025 20:47

Yes i’d be really disappointed and wonder why he didn’t want me to stay over.

Aly2577 · 04/03/2025 20:47

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 04/03/2025 20:43

Nah, fuck that shit. Life is too short for nonsense like this making you feel like shit.
In your position I'd message him and say on reflection it's just not going to work for you this weekend so you're giving it a miss. I'd then see if friends were free and do something with them.

Edited

This 🖕

category12 · 04/03/2025 20:47

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 20:41

He might not feel ready to have a woman stay over.

If it was the other way around everyone would be more understanding of a woman not wanting a man to stay.

In the past there’s been loads of times I could have had a man stay but was happier only seeing them for a few hours. I like my space.

He should say that then, not facepalm at her.

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 20:47

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:30

I did ask why he didn't want me to stay over and all he came back with was what I wrote in my OP about being considerate of my DM having my DC and the joke about not wanting to hear me snore.

I didn't reply for a while and posted here instead for some perspective, then went back to him and said it seemed odd he would want to pass up the opportunity to spend a full night together and that's when he sent the facepalm emoji " 🤦🏽‍♂️" and no further context.

He's either embarrassed about something or as some of you say, doesn't want to change the dynamic.

Or maybe it’s rare that his kids aren’t there and he just wants a good sleep and to wake up and do his own thing.

JadedVeryJaded · 04/03/2025 20:47

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 04/03/2025 20:43

Nah, fuck that shit. Life is too short for nonsense like this making you feel like shit.
In your position I'd message him and say on reflection it's just not going to work for you this weekend so you're giving it a miss. I'd then see if friends were free and do something with them.

Edited

Exactly

mambojambodothetango · 04/03/2025 20:48

I think it's worth a conversation. Messaging can be so easily misinterpreted. You need to go out somewhere neutral, for a walk maybe, and discuss it in person. If it's otherwise going well, it seems a shame to decide the fate of a relationship over WhatsApp.

RedToothBrush · 04/03/2025 20:49

The biggest clue the relationship isn't going anywhere, isn't not wanting you to stay over.

It's the shutdown and not wanting to talk about it.

He's getting sex and company when it suits him without all the emotional stuff and sharing baggage.

You are a casual distraction to him. You want a proper relationship.

You are not on the same page here.

tickedee · 04/03/2025 20:50

Some potential ideas: Snoring, sleep walking / sleep talking / insomnia / sleeps on the sofa / late night gamer / sleep with his childhood teddybears.. etc.
Either way, if he's shutting down the first opportunity you have to spend an entire night together, what does that mean for the future? You'll never spend the night together? Just a few hours seeing each other here and there? Sorry OP, I wouldn't be happy either. You'd think he would be buzzing!

FreeIoader · 04/03/2025 20:50

Any chance he uses a CPAP and is embarrassed?

I am grasping at straws here though. I’d be gutted too. Sorry OP.

Ophy83 · 04/03/2025 20:51

I would read the face palm emoji as meaning he hadn't thought about it that way and realises he's messed up

Bloom15 · 04/03/2025 20:51

I'd be disappointed too OP, and his reasons are rubbish!