First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

I was seeing someone briefly and he never wanted to stay over - eventually I realised that it was because he had IBS and didn't want to do his morning poo in the hotel room! (Logistically hotels made sense for us; I don't know if he would've felt better if he'd been in a house and the bathroom was down the corridor or something)

I wouldn’t cancel the date, but I wouldn’t be having sex with him like some kind of booty call. It’s different if either of you can’t spend the night, but I would also feel rejected in these circumstances.

Maybe by the time you meet up, he’ll have thought of a good reason. But somehow I think that he will just expect you to fall into line having stated his decision.

@BellaGothTheSecond I couldn't be bothered with all that from him. Saying one thing but then not wanting to spend an overnight with you with no context. Also it shouldn't all be on his terms.

I would never message such a sensitive conversation.
After the date it might be a good time to reconsider the relationship. He seems like he wants to keep it casual.

I'd go out for the dinner with him and try and steer the conversation round to the issue about staying over during the meal. If he wasn't forthcoming, I wouldn't be going back to his at all, as YOU KNOW it will be sex then he's pushing you out the door.

I'd be inclined to go for drinks with friends after the dinner, saying you'd prefer to go back to his another time, when you're able to relax and stay over.

I'm not sure it sounds like he wants that kind of relationship with you though, he seems to be quite happy with a few hours here and there with you.

@BellaGothTheSecond he has told you he doesn't want you spending the night. He's uncomfortable with it for whatever reason.

If you were a man you'd get very different responses aboit being pushy and entitled. On the same note if this was a man getting huffy because you didn't want him to spend the night on a rare child free night after 5 months, you'd also get different responses.

He might not be that into you or it might just be that he wants a proper lie in as he got a childfree weekend. But you can't possibly know because he's avoided the question. He's a dick for not giving the real reason. I wouldn't go to his house if I was expected to have sex and leave.

Before I even came back to the last page of replies I was considering cancelling the date, so it's validating to see other people saying that's what they would do too.

I think it's understandable that you might cancel, especially after you said you are the one who has to accommodate him.

Give yourself time to think about this, take a step back. And if you're feeling petty, when he asks why you're cancelling send him a face palm emoji.

I’ll be honest: I’m not especially bothered about spending a whole night with someone and I probably wouldn’t mind either way if someone (assuming I felt secure in the relationship) didn’t want to stay overnight.

However - what would definitely bother me was the lack of explanation. If someone said ‘Look, I love you but I really struggle to share a bed all night, it makes me anxious/claustrophobic/whatever’ or ‘I snore REALLY badly and you won’t get any sleep with me there’ or ‘I have been known to sleepwalk and piss into my wardrobe while dreaming’, then fine! That’s OK. Understandable. But a bloody 🤦 emoji would not cut it with me AT ALL. I’d simply want to know what on Earth was going on. So YANBU.

He's not that into you 🤷🏽‍♀️ Especially as he won't expand on why he doesn't want you to stay over.
Also, it's odd you've slept together but not stayed the night? In 5 months? How can you be "falling in love" with someone if you've never slept next to them?

I haven't been huffy with him at all.

I've spoken here about feeling disappointed and sad but I haven't communicated any of that to him at this point. All I have said is that it seems odd that he'd turn down an opportunity to spend the night together.

Of course he is allowed to not want me to stay over, but I don't think I'm expecting too much for wanting to know why.

I don't even want to spend the night with him now that I know I'm not welcome.

I had an ex like this. He used to like his own space and would send me home late at night or after we'd had a weekend away even though we only lived round the corner. I tried to respect it but I did feel very rejected.

Gah, I don't know. He claimed to be. Maybe he's talking rubbish to keep me sweet.

We text/call daily, almost always initiated by him. I see him plenty in my day to day life, it's just the 1-1 time alone that is tricky to organise because of his work pattern and me not having regular childcare.

I haven't had a night away from my DC in over a year and he very rarely gets that opportunity either.

Then he used the wrong emoji, he should have used 🧛!

I'm just pondering over recent conversations we've had. This is what I mean about how his behaviour in general doesn't align with him not being into me, but then at times (like this) that's exactly what it looks like.

I'm going on holiday on the 17th and he has been saying how it will feel weird not to see me for a week and that he will miss me etc. He has been talking about it more than I have.

He also wants to spend my upcoming birthday with me which falls on a day that would usually be tricky for him to do. Without me even suggesting I see him on that day he was looking at his schedule to see what we could make work and then suggesting lunch etc.

There are so many discrepancies like this and it makes it difficult to know which side to believe. Ugh.

There’s nothing worse (I exaggerate) than second-guessing. I’d be feeling really put out in your shoes. If you say now ‘let’s celebrate my birthday early with a sleepover’ you’ll come across as pushy. I’d be drawing back as his reticence would really make me wonder how much he was bothered. Most single parents in a New Romantic relationship spend their time trying to figure out how to spend the night together. So why isn’t he?

(Sorry it capitalised New Romantic; makes me think of Spandau Ballet and ABC)

It just sounds like he does the bare minimum to keep you interested without having to change too much of his life. Saying "I will miss you" is just words. And going for lunch with someone on their birthday (not even a full day...) is hardly something to get excited about.

I don't know if this is it, but it seems a likely scenario to me.

Sleeping over seems like a small step towards living together. It definitely seems (to me) like a step beyond "dates" and outings with the kids. It could be seen as a progression towards merging two households into one, even if only a small step.

I could also see someone feeling like merging lives with someone who has children is just too much, overwhelming, even if that person has children of their own.

So it could be he likes your relationship the way it is and doesn't want to give any indication that it will be progressing to anything more than what it is now.

Have you had a talk about where, if anywhere, this relationship is headed?

Sounds like he has sleep issues. I can relate, sharing a bed with someone would probably fuck up my sleep in a big way, especially as a newish partner. If I didn't take a sleeping pill, I might not sleep at all. Sounds like he's quite busy, and since he normally sleeps with his kid (not a great night's sleep either) he might be in need of a night to the house to himself to recharge, and not another night of exhaustion, when you're feeling excited, normal, and romantic about a sleepover.

I wouldn't cancel the date, btw. You'll get a better sense of his issue once you're there and talking face to face.

I think his nights are dominated by children and their needs and he's got a vision of a good nights sleep and lie with no obligations which a night with you isn't shifting.

OP hasn’t said if he has the children with him 7/7 nights. I’m curious as to how many nights ‘off’ he has.

Maybe an all nighter would be a bit overwhelming for him, first off. He would prefer tio take things step by step. I see nothing wrong with that. You don't have to have everything in one go.

His replies are really rubbish OP.

Why on earth does he think it’s okay to reply with a facepalm when you’re asking a serious, and valid question??

I would be confused / upset if I was you too. He needs to answer your question honestly - if it’s that he needs a goods night sleep and he won’t get that with you, why would he not just say that?

I don’t think I would cancel the dinner, but I would ask him again at dinner why he doesn’t want me to stay over.

I hate this facile pretend indignation over the reverse situation. Women have to be more cautious than men about all interactions—from elevators and classrooms to sexual relationships. They also historically have less privacy and alone time and space. So how a woman protects her time/space and boundaries never looks like a man’s decisions.

In addition the question looks one way asked if same gender peers and another way asked on mumsnet. If a man were asking other men how to think about it he would get the same answers. What is your fwb saying when they don’t prioritize time with you? Why won’t she let you sleep over?

Nobody is arguing that he has to want overnights. But people are saying that refusing the chance of the overnight does inform how the OP might think about the future of the relationship.

Can it progress? Doubtful.