Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

Well done @Jessa85 you are AMAZING!!!

I am a completely single loan parent - absolutely NO financial aid or family support.
i had a big job and earned more than your husband. Job left me drained but whatever ..

My point is - if I cost everything I had to pay to get help with in order to work a really huge global job and then be 100% present for my daughter the minute i walked through the door when nanny immediately left so all my free time was 100% with DC - you are looking at:
£1,500 after school care per month from pick up until whenever I got home.
£400 per month - cleaner
Washing and ironing - dry cleaners collect and deliver back £100 per week. (Didn’t ever do this but did look into rates when I was KNaCKERED..
£40 per week tutor if I couldn’t be home to help with homework when older.
cooking included in above but was for nanny and DC - I made my own when I got in as she wasn’t looking after me.

He is getting all this for free as you are paying half to live in the house.

He is an absolute TWAT!

Op I'm three years down the line and guarantee you have so much happiness ahead. It will get scary at points as it's all uncertain times but trust yourself to make this happen and make it work. You can do it! X

I can see you being on one of those "what was the straw that broke the camel's back" threads in a few years, "After years of financial abuse, him not lifing a finger at home and making promises he didn't keep, the final straw was that I just wanted to eat a creamy pasta dish and he wouldn't have it."

Business as usual while you get your ducks in order. Copies of all financial info, know exactly where identity docs are so you can secure them quickly, and lawyer up.

You might want to secure your valuables or sentimental items out of the home.

Good luck. I think given the contempt he shows for you and defensiveness when called out on his complete bullshit that you've made a wise choice.

You should make him one final meal - 'I'm divorcing you' chicken (extra creamy)!

Good for you OP! You have all the advice you need from the wiser women on this page but I'm not sure anyone has suggested a forensic accountant...maybe your divorce sol will do so but it does sound like he's quietly been squirreling away money.

OP, don't rock the boat yet, carry on as 'normal' so you can get all your financial and legal ducks in a row before initiating the split.

Divorce is messy, and during it he will get nasty at some point.. even my ExH did and we'd been separated for 6 years and were getting on relatively well as co-parents when i finally pulled the trigger on it at the end of 23.

Defo get a forensic accountant. If he is employed, as opposed to self employed, which sounds like he is there will be a paper trail. It’s simply a case of tracing everything.

Also prepare yourself that he might have spent the extra money or had investments go south. So there might not actually be much there.

@Jessa85

Please, before you tell him anything about the marriage being over (and good for you!). See a solicitor. Take a snapshot of family finances, income/expenses, debt, assets, etc. Especially important to have info re home ownership/tenancy. Educate yourself as to how a divorce may work for you. Forewarned is forearmed. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything', just that you'll have a good idea of your 'bargaining position'.

Wow, this took a turn! I can’t wait to hear about him getting his comeuppance in the form of surprise divorce! Best of luck OP!

'Well then maybe you need to find a better paying job'

What an utter arsehole!

Ohh so much wonderful advice to catch up on later with a glass of wine! Ever so grateful for the continued support. I will read all the messages later but just quickly yes, I am concerned about the finances being hidden so may need to arrange for someone to help look into that.

I keep all our important docs in a filing cabinet which I’ve hidden the key for and will take all contents to my mums on Sunday. I don’t believe the jerk knows this cabinet exists since he has never stepped foot inside the utility room cleaning cupboard 😂

I’ve used a new email account to contact solicitors and all my important passwords and my phone passcode have been changed.

and most importantly, dinner tonight is ‘marry me’ chicken and I can’t bloody wait!!

Back later, school run time! I wish I could give you all a big hug!

My goodness you are doing so well! Just grey rock the fucker. You sound like you have your head screwed on. We're all cheering you on here!
I might be one of the mumsnetters who searched for Marry me chicken yesterday 😉 Unfortunately I'm on a low fat diet atm as I have gallstones but I look forward to the day I can eat it. Have a great weekend.

I would love to see his face when he asks what's for dinner tonight.

Absolutely best to get organized before making any announcements. Being in the home together after stating you want a divorce, even for a day, can be excruciating and even dangerous. The sanest of men can behave irrationally.

Well done OP! So proud of you. Maybe you could hire a forensic accountant if you think he's going to squirrel money away.

Also it would be a good idea to write a timeline of events, it will be useful in the divorce.

You called yourself an 'idiot' on the last thread...you are absolutely NOT an idiot! Cheering you on OP 💕

I posted on your previous thread before I realised you have this one @Jessa85 but it might give you some comfort if you wanted to see what I'd put.

Your husband is an utter disgrace. Please stop blaming yourself. It is so easy to be in this position when you're working and have children but tbh there's no point getting married if you can't trust your husband has your best interests at heart and will work as team. You've done nothing wrong.

I’m not suggesting you are drab. However, in your shoes, I would be spending a decent wodge of cash from the joint savings account on some new clothes, shoes, handbags, haircut etc. You’ll be doubling your money by doing that as the starting figure is 50/50 on divorce. And you’ll be able to use all of these to look fabulous after the split.

Love this. Right. I'm having 'marry me chicken' too tonight in solidarity. Let's loads of strangers eat marry me chicken tonight and smile to ourselves in solidarity that we've helped a wonderful woman to freedom x

OP you’re an inspiration - and ‘marry me’ chicken is hilarious ( and also delicious, lucky you).
I second a PP that you should treat yourself to a nice haircut and whatever else you fancy this weekend from the joint account. Drab! The absolute nerve of the man

Well done @Jessa85
I wonder if a credit search like Experian or Clear Score could help or assist your financial search or knowledge in any way? I know mine has all my accounts from Pay Pal, phones, loans, credit cards to my bank on it.

Obviously I am heavily hinting to use 'not your' information.

Naturally I feel justified suggesting a search of 'not your' information since your stbxh seems to have hidden financial information from you in your partnership.

If you think you’re going mad it’s because you’re being gaslit and blamed for the situation you are in. As a pre-warning men who gaslight are likely to play the victim with friends and family - if possible don’t try to explain yourself to anyone especially anyone trying to question your decision making ability - continue to be the calm dignified person you are today and discuss with trusted people on your team only (maybe even just your solicitor ). Stand your ground. You are better than him x

Oh my goodness- I thought he sounded like an abusive tosser before but now you say he plays golf as well?