Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

@Jessa85 Well done! Finding your rage and opening your eyes.

All best for your meetings.

Remember - you are married, so start working with the premise that everything is JOINTLY owned. Including both your pensions, both sets of savings, investments, property, etc etc. Do not believe any 'this is MINE' nonsense.

A good solicitor will keep this top of your mind. I wonder if the courts can require full disclosure of earnings & assets, etc? I don't know but of course solicitor will!

Be careful about alerting him to you planning something. He sounds very unaware, but carry on as usual, while discreetly making your plans.

Copy / print everything relevant and have copies kept separately, maybe in your work locker, in case.

Although you both work, you'll be able to show you have all the childcare duties, because you're not as busy and important as he is ...

I wasn’t going to dignify the drab comment with an acknowledgment but on reflection… I’m so sorry this hurt you OP, you do not deserve to have your appearance insulted.

What does it really mean anyway? Does it mean you look like you’re doing the job of two plus people, juggling the emotional and physical strain of paid employment, running a home, children, cleaning, laundry and cooking; and always trying to make things nice for everyone? Putting everyone else first and leaving little or no time for yourself? If that’s the case then count me in - I’m in the drab club!

Drab is strong.
Drab is selfless.
Drab is beautiful.

#drabclub #drabisbeautiful

Just came on to say this is one of the best sides of Mumsnet - the support shown by the community to the Op - and the whole character arc and growth from anxious people pleaser to embattled Amazon warrior woman - I can’t wait for the next instalment.

Good for you
he doesn't deserve you he sounds like a prick

So true @purplehair1 - such an inspiring thread.

I hope you’re ok @Jessa85 and has a good day yesterday with your DC xx

Saw this and thought of you

Good morning lovely MN friends!
I've had a lovely weekend with my girls, back to work today it's a busy Monday!
Jerk joined us for some of our weekend activities. Like you've suggested I kept things very normal so he doesn't suspect anything. Doing that makes me feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to for now.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with a solicitor, hoping they can help me understand a few things. Then I'm meeting my bank, who are also our mortgage provider, on Wednesday because I would like to understand my affordability for my own home. I really don't want to stay in this house post-divorce and I am lucky to have a decent amount of equity in the property that I believe I am entitled to at least 50% of. So this will keep my mortgage payments low.

Jerk did show me the investments he has been making on 'our behalf', he said this is so we can have a good retirement. I'll mention those funds to the solicitor. Based on what he showed me, I do not believe he is hiding anything else away. He agreed to me contributing less to the joint accounts and he will make up the difference. Obviously this changes nothing, I'm still going through with the divorce. I took all the important paperwork to my mum yesterday so I know that is now safe.

Hope you're all doing good, the sun is shining, I'm looking drab and feeling fab! Ready to take his lazy ass to the cleaners haha x

hands up who cooked “marry me chicken”
over the weekend, in a gesture of solidarity
we had ours Saturday evening, with pappardelle.

I shopped for the ingredients on Saturday morning, earlyish

by Sunday late morning when my impressed daughter shopped
for the same ingredients,
Waitrose were clean out of fresh thyme,
sun dried tomatoes and the cream section looked a little low,
made me smile…

You really are fantastic @Jessa85 !!
out of all the rubbish going on around me - your post today made me laugh and feel full of optimism. Good for you 💪💪💪

Aww this made me smile too

Oh I'm sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, glad to have given you a little laugh today 😄x

Thank you for that update op, that's cheered up my Monday. You got this x

@Jessa85

You are on it! Well done.

Sounds like between his "investments" on you and his behalf (aren't you lucky?); your equity in your home; his salary and likely decent pension, you are going to be so much more minted than you have been in the daily grind of 100% managing family life, the entire domestic load and all the admin that goes with it.

See it as a little pay-back for your endurance. You and your girls' lives are going to go from strength to strength and not having a man child to feed and clean up after will be the icing on the cake!

I genuinely think you are going to enrich your life tenfold. You deserve it! When he realises the error of his ways, make sure your less than drab self smiles his way.

In the meantime, keep your powder dry and act like everything is fine. Remember - it's all part of the plan. If you drop your guard, it sounds like he may do something to sabotage it, as he seems fairly measured in his arrogance.

Wishing you all the best.

Gosh yes I didn't really think about it like that until I saw your post. I am incredibly lucky and didn't think I would be in that position. I know this is all going to be quite hard on the girls but I do agree we will be much better off in many ways.

How will it work with the girls ISAs? I currently manage their savings accounts, I assume that will not change and he cannot access their accounts? A question for the bank I suppose, all of our accounts are with the same one.

If they are junior ISAs, then no-one can take out the cash other than the children at age 18.
If they're stocks/shares ISAs in principle someone with the account details could change the portfolio, but again not access the cash.

Never a truer word written!!

Good for you Op. Get all info then you can plan your exit on your terms.

@Jessa85 Cheery update. Glad you're ok. Good luck with the appointments. Keep smiling!

The children's money/assets will not form part of the marital assets pot.

Can the 'for you both' investments be accessed by you if required?

Consider you would be entitled to more than 50% of the house equity, depending on how you divide your other assets and how much H will have the children. Also, if you are entitled to maintenance, that can be included in mortgage applications as income.

Do you think H will want to have 50:50 joint custody of the girls?

I’m not usually on MN but the clever Facebook algorithm suggested I might be interested in this thread - and boy, was it right on that. Felt like reading the last 6 months of my life condensed into 6 days. Big strength to OP and thank you for giving me the renewed energy to get back on it with trying to resolve my situation. Thank you - and good luck.

@Daftapath

The children's money/assets will not form part of the marital assets pot.
Can the 'for you both' investments be accessed by you if required?
Unfortunately not, I have however written down as many details as I can remember from what he showed me and secretly took a screenshot of his laptop screen.

Consider you would be entitled to more than 50% of the house equity, depending on how you divide your other assets and how much H will have the children. Also, if you are entitled to maintenance, that can be included in mortgage applications as income.
Thank you I didn't realise that, being able to include that will help me a lot.

Do you think H will want to have 50:50 joint custody of the girls?
I don't think so. I currently do 98% of their care.

I'm glad you found it and it's been able to give you that boost. Keep going and good luck to you also x

Thank you. And a little chuckle at the 98% split of caring: also me 😊

You seem lovely OP, wishing you all the best for kicking his sorry arse into touch and having a lovely life with your girls without him