Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Oh op am sorry I missread the facetime thingy, sorry, well that's better as I thought he was then just going to drop them so am sorry,
How he sleeps at night, god knows op, hope he doesn't, his choices will come back to back to bite him, hopefully one limb at at time

I would forward a copy of his email to his parents and ask them to have a word with him. Explain to them what contact you’d be happy with (every other weekend and one week day?) and say you’d hate for him to say something now, in anger, that he will later regret.

reiterate to them that you’re keen for the girls to continue contact with them, and you don’t want them to miss out.

I really think it’s important for the girls to continue their relationship with their dad even though he is clearly lacking as a man and as a father.

Keep all emails where you’ve encouraged contact, if they raise the matter as adults you can show them the truth.

I would make it clear to his parents that he's flat out said he's not longer interested in seeing or helping raise his own children and has put that it writing. Scumbag.

Why he's clearly shown his true colours better that the children are supported then him break promise after promise.

The guy is clearly cold and calculating and is trying to inflict maximum pain I wouldn't want that any where near my children. He's made his choice forcing a relationship that he doesn't want to have is going to cause more harm long term with repeated rejections/letting them down.

It's far healthier and better that nobody pander to his god awful drum beat and the OP support her daughters and continue to have a relationship with people who do love and care for the children which is the grandparents.

It took a lot of time, but for the sake of my girls I done it as I wanted them to have a relationship with their Dad and for them to have happy memories and not to remember us arguing before we split.

When the girls were born I never ever thought he would be that type of person but in his mind by not seeing them he was hurting me but in actual fact he was only hurting his own chidren.

He had counselling which helped.

I hear what you’re saying, and not saying you’re wrong. It depends on the man, and we don’t know him.

My view is that a relationship with an inadequate father is nearly always better than no relationship. Just my very humble opinion. It’s for the OP to decide what’s best.

In my view, he will be in a rage at the moment with the OP. There is no reason for the girls to be caught up in that. If this were me, I’d give him the opportunity again to do the right thing and continue to be a father.

But this isn’t about what I’d do- OPs choice. It might be useful for her to see a range of opinions.

He wants no contact with his dds?! He’s a monster. 🙁

I'm so sorry. My take on this, which may be wrong, is that he doesn't necessarily mean what he's saying in relation to the girls but he's using them to hurt you and as a possible means of control.

Your prompt action in relation to kicking him out and getting the divorce in motion (and showing him what you think of him and refusing to play the "pick me" game!) has probably taken the wind out of his sails and left him in a position where he feels he doesn't have control, like he did before. If you think about it, before you acted, he had two homes and two women that apparently "wanted" him and now you've taken one of those homes away and shown him in no uncertain terms that not only do you think he's a slimeball, but he's also rather stupid and completely underestimated you. Whereas he's probably been quite enjoying the feeling of having an exciting "secret" life and getting one over you. Especially if the shine is now fading with the OW, he's probably beginning to feel a bit unloved and unappreciated. Completely his own fault, but he won't see it that way.

The only way left he has to get to you is the girls, so he's using them as weapons. My advice would be, don't rise to it, let him hoist himself with his own petard, document it properly and enjoy it if he ends up having to explain himself in front of a judge when he comes to his senses (as he probably will) and decides that he does want some kind of relationship with his children. Or, if you don't think he's safe around them, it's evidence to contest any contact order or limit contact. As you've identified, his expressed intention not to have any contact with them will also be relevant for the financial settlement so if I were you, I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate or encourage contact at the moment unless you really think it would benefit the kids, as opposed to unsettling them.

I agree you should share that email with his parents. And tell them you want to make it clear that you are not preventing him having contact. And that you hope they will continue to be part of their grandchildren's lives.

Jesus. Thank god your girls have you, @Jessa85. Every time it seems he can’t get any worse, he goes and outdoes himself yet again.

I know you want to keep a degree of separation between his parents and the granular detail of what he’s doing to you, but I also really think you should share that email with them. They’re already on your team, and this will only cement their loyalty and give them a genuine picture of what a disgusting piece of shit and a waste of oxygen their son is.

If they end up cutting him off he’ll end up with no one but the OW - a self-interested asshat who’s happy to stand by and watch him cast off his children like yesterday’s laundry. Not the behaviour of a kind, tolerant or reasonable person, so I predict she’ll have a very low threshold for pandering to the ‘real’ him when she’s stuck with him 24/7 and realises what he’s actually like to live with. With any luck she’ll go nuts in the boiling, sinister Disneyland of Dubai and end up stoning him to death with his stash of pot noodles.

So sorry he’s done this to you and your children. You probably feel you can’t dig any deeper at this point, but you can, and one day this will all be behind you 💐

Your girls are so, so lucky to have such an awesome mum. That's all I can say because your prick ex's behaviour is simply beyond words. Stay strong my lovely, not wishing to minimize your pain and shock but this will pass and at the end you will have your daughters and he will most likely have nothing but a freezer full of sad ready meals for one xxx

My uncle did this to his first wife and two daughters, left them for another woman when the girls were small. Sadly, my grandparents sided with him and also cut them off so they never saw their grandparents again and for years they thought it was their fault. It was only in middle-age that they found and got in touch with me and my siblings, their cousins, and we reconnected. The sadness and confusion at being abandoned that way never left them. Saying that, this was in the 60s and therapy wasn't a yet thing for the likes of us, it was only for fancy people.

That nasty man did the same to other women. No one liked him in the end.

Wow @Jessa85 - unbelievable…. What an absolutely t*%#t …. I can’t believe it!!!!

well that really is his loss… and in a weird way, maybe it’s just better to go it alone… Screw him for every penny, and then make all the parenting decisions without someone trying to take them off you at 4pm on a Sunday cos it’s their handover time..

given what I’ve witnessed with some of my single mum friends, sometimes it’s better to be on your own and not have to consider someone you hate’s values.

Doesn’t lessen the hurt for now or for them. You may find - especially if they see you quite happy and enjoying life - that they don’t miss him that much. It may impact them when they’re teenagers. But for now they have their wonderful mum, family and friends and can eat whatever they want!!

lots of love @Jessa85 x

So I’m a few years down the line from you @Jessa85, and admittedly my ex is no where near as much of an arsehole as yours is. But, something wonderful has come out of my divorce I think for my girls. (And me as well, but that ls not the point I want to make to you). They’re teens now and I don’t think they’d tolerate any of the absolute nonsense that many women put up with from men. They definitely don’t see having a man as ‘success’, and are working hard at school to make sure they will be financially independent. Even with boyfriends, their standards are high. That has definitely come from my modelling that I and they are worth so much more than a husband who had an affair. It’s not good enough for me, or them, rather be single.

You seem a bit confused.

Its not up to the OP “ to give him the opportunity to be a father “. He IS the children’s father - legally and biologically. the Op can’t change any of that.

He has decided to opt out of being a father in terms of seeing the children or caring for them . That’s HIS decision.

The OP is not giving him chances, taking away chances or getting him caught up in anything . Behind your apparently reasonable comments is a clear agenda that it’s somehow a mother job to FORCE her children’s father to see them.

Don’t you think the OP is overwhelmed enough with all the other responsibilities that she has – all the work of parenting, all the work of keeping a roof over these children’s heads , all the work of maintaining their and her own emotional stability and also working full time? But no, on top of this you are trying to guilt trip her for her husband‘s decisions, even though she has explained very clearly and poignantly how devastated she is by this.

bizarrely, you have even suggested that he might see his children every other weekend and one night a week . Im not sure how that’s going to work with him living in the UAE.

if he wants to see his children he can. The OP is not stopping him and indeed the law will facilitate for that for him. He can easily live with his mistress half a mile down the road from the OP and have his children 50-50 if that’s what he wants.

But he doesn’t want that. If you read the thread you would know that , so please stop kicking the OP while she is down and trying to heap more guilt upon her head. I can assure you she feels quite bad enough without you sticking the boot in.

In the long run thank goodness this person will be out of your daughters lives, in the meantime they can’t even grieve ffs

I'm sorry Op but your STBEH wants a new life, one with no responsabiities and no ties to his previous life, you and your DDs are the old life. He's willing to pay his dues but nothing more. Of course it's wrong but all the people saying he'll regret this can't imagine turning their back on their DC, he's made his decision and he'll have to live with it. He's the sort of man who'll appear years and years later and expect his DC to be thrilled

I really feel for you OP, it's just bloody awful what you're going through.
I've read opinions that he's just lashing out at you, however, from my own experience in my family, my ex brother-in-law just cut his son off. He was only 3 years old and his father moved on with the OW, never looked back. My nephew is now 31 and hasn't seen or spoke to his dad in all that time, they live in the same town. He never cared, it was as simple as that, got himself a new family.

Its very easy hoping he's just angry and retaliating, but if I was you, I would take him at his word and progress on with the divorce. If he changes his mind, all well and good, but don't get your hopes up. I also wouldn't mention it to his parents, unless they bring it up. Keep it civil with them.
My heart breaks for you and your girls, hes truly a despicable man x

Suspect that this is all about making sure you cant move on and meet someone else.

You pulled the rug out from under him by filing for divorce before he told you about OW, so it proved to him that he is nothing to you. So him not having the kids means that you will get no free time to yourself (in his head, the most important thing as that is all that he wants) so you cant move on. Not only would you have left him, not the other way around, but also replaced him which is unthinkable to him.

I’m not confused and defo not sticking the boot in. We’ll have to agree to disagree.

I agree with this too x

Hi @Jessa85 I hope you have a lovely day with your girls today in the sun x

What an update to start the Easter holidays. Hang in there, and enjoy the time with the girls off school.

I thought my ex, 30 years ago, and more recently my DD’s ex, are rotten for assuming school holiday care is for the mother to sort, it’s much too inconvenient to expect the non-resident father to do any.

OP I don’t remember whether the OW has children, I assume not. I wonder if the Dubai move (is it Dubai, or Abu Dhabi?) is on her radar and she’s expecting to go with him.

I'm so sorry for your girls. It's incomprehensible how a parent can just try to erase their children like that. Although they sound so lucky to have you and as they grow up they will learn all this came from him.

I'm glad you have support and he's paying what he needs but what a feckin idiot!

I agree it's incomprehensible.
My sisters H walked out on his first wife and set up home with my sister. He not only never had any contact with their children at all he deliberately didn't work so he wouldn't have to make maintenance payments.
Absolutely horrible man.