Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Oh Jessa that is beyond awful, my friends ex tried to cherry pick which child he saw, which she was having none of, now he’s completely awol and she can’t find him to get a divorce! I wouldn’t reply right now, perhaps never just leave everything to the solicitors, but once you’ve calmed down from the shock I would make sure his parents see that message and that you emphasise to them that they are still valued in their grandchildren’s lives and hopefully they will continue to be good to your girls.

Once you have calmed down - I would send his email to his parents and ask them who on earth their son is. I know my PiL would be mortified if my DH behaved like this and would likely never reconcile. Funny thing about grandparents, they tend to adore their grandchildren at an absurdly atomic level and I know my DCs’ DGPs would never stand for them being abandoned like this. Your DCs really need them in their lives just now so that the message that it is dad, not them, who is unlovable and unloving.

Your poor, beautiful girls. What a total fucking arsehole.

im completely blown away by your latest update. If I were you I’d be asking for extra payment for therapy for the girls if not I would be tempted to go to his parents and ask them to contribute. It’s not cheap but it’s 100% needed.

This but do through a solicitor. Don’t respond to him, he sounds like a sick bastard that would be happy to get an emotional response from you. I cannot believe how callous and cold this msn is. One of the worst I’ve seen her on mn.

OMG, he is a calculated and manipulative narcissist. The OW will send him packing as soon as he starts winging about food and does fuck all domestically.

I agree - send that e-mail to his parents. Don't reply to him. Do everything from hereon in through your solicitor. You have been so strong, you can power through this. It is, as others have said, an attempt to manipulate, hurt and control you. Don't fall for it.

You have been enabling this bully for years (inadvertently of course, because you are a pure and selfless person ). Don't let him poison you and your girls future. Channel your energy into getting them the finances they need for a rich, fulfilling life.

Take zero responsibility for their Dad's abandonment. That is all on him.

You are well shot of him. Think how awful your life was just months ago. It sounds like you already did 100% of the parenting while he indulged himself. Indulge him no further.

You have got this.

I sometimes think @Jessa85
guys like your STBXH act this way because they realise the fragility of their situation with OW as it is built on sand and they realise it’s based on being a childless couple free to do whatever- introduce a couple of kids over regularly to the situation or not being available at times and it can ‘upset’ the apple cart that is being built on a particular lifestyle/situation. They actually find it easier to have no contact so as not to feel ‘upset’ or actually trigger mentally for them the reality of what they have caused - no thoughts to how the kids feel of course

I agree. He wants to bomb around Dubai thinking he’s George Clooney, I hope he chokes on his Bachelor’s Super Noodles, which I’m sure he doesn’t even flavour with the included sachet.
Right now, he’s being an absolute fool. He’s even overriding his relationship with his own parents to hurt OP and their daughters. I hope the grandparents keep up
their moral support. They must be upset and deeply ashamed of their own son.
At some point, he’s going to start irritating the OW when reality sets in, when she realises he’s not actually Elon Musk, has no regard for his own daughters, and his ideal for a starter at dinner is a Cup-a-Soup.
In time, it will unravel for him. He is an absolute disgrace, and any woman who takes him on must be desperate.

You said you were planning on saving all the CMS to give to the girls later - only do this if it doesn’t leave you short in any way. They still need things now and having you more relaxed about money will help in the long run.

Plus I am not sure how I would feel if my mum presented me with a lump sum that was from a dad who washed his hands of me. I would feel very conflicted about that. So save in your name and spend his money on raising your girls.

This happened with my DC - their father told me he didn't want to see them any more. I later learned that it was his new girlfriend that was dictating that.

He didn't see them for some years but did come back to ask to see them again.
I wanted to say no but I read that it's healthier for children to have contact with both parents rather than only one.

Maybe that view has changed since then as this was some years ago.

I wouldn't reply to him but pass his response to your lawyer. Don't involve his parents in this. If they ask, you can send them his response. If you feel you must reply, the single word 'noted' would do; emotionless and to the point. He's going to try and upset you because you're 'stealing' his money,cos be prepared. No knee jerk replies, think things over for at least twenty four hours, take advice if necessary. Every interaction through email. He's cold and nasty

I have followed this from the beginning and oh my goodness what a disgrace he's turning out to be.

My DD's Dad also decided that he didn't want to see them after our split - he lasted 18 months and then we spoke a lot, and he realised exactly what he had missed in that time and slowly but surely built up his relationship with them. We ended up very good friends who were able to do things like birthdays, GCSE celebrations together with our girls.

My FIL maintained his relationship with myself and the girls throughout this time completely at a loss why his son done what he done.

My solicitor told me I couldn't force him to see them.

We have sadly lost both of them but we now all have happy memories.

Oh Jessa, that is completely awful. I'm so so sorry. Your heart must be breaking for your girls. Trying to think a bit differently, do you think that he's so deeply ashamed of himself (as his parents must be) and perhaps in a few weeks, he will change his mind? That he just can't face the girls or you at the moment? Perhaps he's putting his fingers in his ears, shutting his eyes and going la la la la like it's not happening and acting like he's a 4 year old. Can you protect the girls from this latest turn of events (like he's working abroad for a couple of months) until you have more clarity? What a weak weak man he is - you are well rid but as a PP mentioned, he's still their father and they love him - a love he doesn't deserve. It's completely rubbish.

How did you get over the disappointment in your ex’s behavior @willitevergetwarm, in order to be in the same room as him for those celebrations?

Jesus Christ, what an absolute failure as a man your ex-husband is. The lowest of the low. I'm sure the other woman thinks she has grabbed herself a great prize but he is obviously someone who will have no qualms about completely abandoing her when things aren't as exciting as they are now.

To be able to just abandon your own children like this would surely require some type of pathological defect. Most people would die for their kids, he is happy to just cut them out of his life. In the long run, your daughters will benefit from not having this sociopath in their lives.

You, however, are totally amazing and they are lucky to have you.

I'm just chiming in @Jessa85 to say you are a marvellous mother and your ex-husband is a grade A piece of shit. You've had some excellent advice on this thread which I can't really add to but I just wanted to wish you and your girls well.

Wow jessa, this man just keeps giving wow, no reply is a reply jessa,
When you speak to solicitor and if that's the case he should explain his reasoning to girls, and facetime stops wow he can pick and choose his relationship as facetime only, don't think so buddy, lower then a snakes belly, girls as you heartbreaking you will deal with the girls getting them though this but he needs to tell them, so happy facetime them but leaving you to sit them down to have that conversation, sending big hugs to you three jessa, 💐

Oh op, what a bastard he is. I’m so sorry. It’s not surprising that you are so upset by this.

I would not respond or only send a 👍🏻, if you feel you must acknowledge. He is definitely doing this as a punishment for taking control.

I would also discuss this with your solicitor. It might be worthwhile getting them to write to him asking him to confirm that he will pay child maintenance and that this will increase according to any pay increases. Also confirm that he will not be seeking to have any shared care or contact with the girls. If this is the case, I would think that you could argue that you should have a significantly larger share of assets than 50:50 as he will not need to house the girls at any time as they will only live with you.

I share all of your disgust, I'm really struggling today, he's hurt me to my core but I won't show it to him. I haven't responded to his email.

I've contacted my solicitor to update him, he's going to arrange all the necessaries and yes @Daftapath he said something similar re the 50/50 split. He's hurt me but I'll hurt him where it really hurts him. His wallet.

@Omgblueskys he doesn't facetime with them, that's his parents. He has been zero contact with the girls since his trip to the UAE, then emailed today saying he wants no custody or contact etc..

I actually feel a bit sorry for DH (dogshit husband) because I can see how things are going to pan out. My prediction is that relationship with OW will break down given time and he'll suddenly lose his lust glasses and realise what a piece of shit he's been, and miss the girls. It's not your (or the girls') job to support him through that period, whenever it happens. Plus I wouldn't be able to resist sharing his latest email with his parents....

I chocked on my cuppa 😂thanks for giving me a little laugh today

Definitely won't share the email with his parents at this time, I'm really trying to keep things as separate as I can (impossible I know) for the sake of the girls. If I need their help I will ask but that email is so shocking I've just sent it straight onto my solicitor.

So sorry you’re having a hard time (unsurprisingly) with his horrible behaviour towards your children. I’d like to think his position may change with time, or even better a good knock to the head, but if it doesn’t then you can at least be safe in the knowledge that your girls have one parent who loves them so much and will support them to weather the storm of parental rejection. It also sounds like they’ve got many other loving adults in their life who can support them. All of this will hopefully help them to not internalise the rejection and to only see his actions as being reflective of him being a horrible toad.

I really hope you pursue him for financial abuse. If you can secure the best possible settlement, so that you’re not reliant on maintenance to survive if he were to lose his job (though that’s unlikely), I would do it. Any new partner will be able to see his domestic abuse record through Claire’s Law, and your precious children will have further evidence that they were never the problem. His mistreatment of them didn’t begin after he left—it was always part of how your family dynamic was set up from the start.

@Jessa85 , I know how much you’re hurting right now. Give yourself at least 24 hours before taking any action—whether that’s responding to him, forwarding messages to his parents, or anything else. Center yourself first, and take your next step when you’re ready, not as a knee-jerk reaction.

See this in the bigger context of the abuse he’s subjected you to for years—he has always been the most important person in his own world. You and your children were just supporting players in his narrative. Now that you’ve broken free, he’s realising that his quiet, compliant housewife was actually a fucking kickass goddess who could have been his biggest asset but now is going to absolutely wipe the floor with him, and then go on to raise the next generation of kickass goddesses without him derailing that.

In time, I believe you’ll see that it may be healthier for the girls not to have a toxic father in their lives. But for now, take care of yourself. Do you have counselling or any other support in place for yourself?💕

I've been divorced a year this summer and my ex hasn't spoken to one of our kids since a text at New Year. Hasn't seen them since well before that. Somehow it feels worse that he still messages the others. Some men aren't worth anything.

What a terrible man. But not a surprise sadly. The very very very thin silver ilining here is that the girls aren't going to get mixed messages from him, which means you can offer them support and do your bit to help them manage all of this. Such an awful situation. You are doing so well.