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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted & maid of honour in 3 days

337 replies

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 18:58

Hi all, I have been ghosted by a man who I was in a relationship with for 18 months.
I am in shock and utterly heartbroken.
It came completely out of the blue.
We had a fantastic relationship ( or so I thought) the last time I saw him things were good & he even booked a nice weekend away for the both of us.
It was a serious relationship. Saw each other regularly, met each other's families etc.

I am absolutely broken
I can't eat or sleep
I cannot focus. I almost hit my car today and I took the wrong turning twice.
I am either sat frozen with a painful heart looking into space or moving continually.
My heart is racing constantly & my stomach is churning and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I am going through the motions at home with my two teen and pre teen children as to try not to upset them but they can see I am not myself.

To top all of this off It is one of my best childhood friends wedding in 3 days and I am not only a bridesmaid but maid of honour.
I have duties. I have 2 readings to do. I am sat at the top table with her , her husband , parents and there will be an empty space where my partner was suppose to be sitting.

I'm in such a horrible position as I do not wnat to make her day about me so I have lied to her and told her that her has the flu.

I can tell her after , the next few days is about her. That's not the problem .

I'm just struggling to see how I can get through the wedding day.
I can barely shower and walk my dog.

I was so excited about my friends wedding.
What he has done has ruined this for me

Please help me I need some advice something to hold onto and something to keep me strong, I am in such a state and I am broken 💔

OP posts:
Hattieandcake · 26/02/2025 20:59

Sorry but after 18 months and meeting my children I would be camping outside his flat for a face to face explanation!
Can you message his ex wife?
Hope the wedding goes ok.

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 26/02/2025 21:02

I honestly can't wrap my head around how a grown adult could do that after 18 months in a serious relationship. Was there anything going on with his mental health? It just doesn’t add up, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this—you sound lovely. If he really has acted this way, then as painful as it is, it’s probably a blessing in disguise, as he clearly has some massive unresolved psychological issues.
I also agree that a police welfare check might be a good idea—it's just so bizarre. But you seem very certain that this is what he’s done...?

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 26/02/2025 21:03

Just to add I think if I were in your position, I’d be tempted to message his ex-wife to see if this kind of behaviour fits his pattern.

lifeonmars100 · 26/02/2025 21:04

So sorry you are going through this, what a horrible shock. You sound such a lovely person and I hope that you do more than get through the wedding and all your MOH duties, I hope you find yourself enjoying the day and seeing it as the first step in moving forward. I bet you are going to look fabulous and hope that you will be feeling fabulous in the future

aster10 · 26/02/2025 21:07

Diazepam can be difficult to get on the NHS, but is possible privately. If you sleep ok more or less then I would say don’t bother. We do need these things occasionally (for example, morphine for anaesthesia or diazepam for short-term sleep disturbances and horrendous anxiety attacks), it doesn’t mean we immediately become addicted.

LongDarkTeatime · 26/02/2025 21:09

What a horrible man. Feeling for you OP
As others have said, you really need to tell the bride.
Doing readings which are likely to be about love and friendship will be a huge trigger for your emotion to come out. Do you want to give them the option of someone else doing a reading?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/02/2025 21:09

Hattieandcake · 26/02/2025 20:59

Sorry but after 18 months and meeting my children I would be camping outside his flat for a face to face explanation!
Can you message his ex wife?
Hope the wedding goes ok.

How ridiculous that you'd do this (if you actually would). You and a few other posters who would take it upon yourselves to not take no for what is a very clear statement. Embarrassing.

OP has a hell of a lot of dignity, thank goodness.

Hattieandcake · 26/02/2025 21:10

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/02/2025 21:09

How ridiculous that you'd do this (if you actually would). You and a few other posters who would take it upon yourselves to not take no for what is a very clear statement. Embarrassing.

OP has a hell of a lot of dignity, thank goodness.

Show quote history

I also have dignity. I wouldn’t be going to beg the guy back. I would be going for him to face me not block me like a teenager he had been on a few dates with!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/02/2025 21:14

What would you gain, Hattie? If, like OP has said, it's a flat and he wouldn't buzz you in or come to speak to you? You'd be outside, getting no answers.

If he did deign to come to speak to you, how truthful do you think he would be? Somebody who is so cowardly as to ghost someone they presumably cared for (or said they did)? You'd have no answers.

You'd richly deserve answers but whatever you did, you wouldn't get them, not from a man like this - and he'd humiliate you by your showing up. Again.

MumWifeOther · 26/02/2025 21:21

In the nicest possible way; people lose partners they’ve been with for decades. You can and you will survive this. He’s done you a favour in the long run. I know it’s painful now but you absolutely will be okay ❤️

RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 21:24

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/02/2025 21:14

What would you gain, Hattie? If, like OP has said, it's a flat and he wouldn't buzz you in or come to speak to you? You'd be outside, getting no answers.

If he did deign to come to speak to you, how truthful do you think he would be? Somebody who is so cowardly as to ghost someone they presumably cared for (or said they did)? You'd have no answers.

You'd richly deserve answers but whatever you did, you wouldn't get them, not from a man like this - and he'd humiliate you by your showing up. Again.

It's not to get answers, it's to hold them accountable. Obviously there are no answers, other than he's a twat. But for society to function, people need to face up to what they have done, not just slime off into the shadows and expect everyone to act like nothing happened. I think it's valid to turn up and effectively say "You are a twat - go on and look me in the eye". This can be done quite calmly and coolly. Then you ignore them forevermore.

WilfredsPies · 26/02/2025 21:29

Hattieandcake · 26/02/2025 21:10

I also have dignity. I wouldn’t be going to beg the guy back. I would be going for him to face me not block me like a teenager he had been on a few dates with!

Show quote history

You can’t force someone to behave like a decent human being, no matter how long the relationship. Your advice would achieve nothing more than him calling the police to get her moved on and away from his home. It’s unnecessary melodrama. She doesn’t need that in her life and, when she’s completely over him, she’ll be so relieved she didn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that he was so amazing that he drove a woman to acting like a stalkery lunatic because she couldn’t accept it was over.

5128gap · 26/02/2025 21:31

You will gather all your strength and you will do this one day for your friend. Before the fuss starts, have a big cry or a scream in the shower and tell yourself you will not think about him or your situation until you're on your own again that night, when you give yourself permission to cry and scream again. Then take a Kalm tablet and focus focus focus on your friend. Your adrenalin will kick in and you will get through. If at all possible it might be a good idea if the readings could be given to someone else (lost voice? Sore throat?) tell her in advance to give time for a substitute. Then brave as a lion, and get through it.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 26/02/2025 21:31

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 19:00

No but he has blocked me on everything. What's app. Facebook. Instagram etc after going quiet on me a few days before

Show quote history

Oh no, that's awful. So sorry op.

Sassybooklover · 26/02/2025 21:32

Bless your heart, that's such a shitty thing to do to the person you're supposed to love. You could tie yourself in knots, trying to figure out why, but he's not worth it. It's highly unlikely you'll ever get an explanation from him. You are currently in shock, you will go through stages, a bit like a bereavement - shock, tears, and anger. Eventually, you will come out the other side, stronger and determined not to let the bastard win. Don't let him define how you see men, there are plenty out there who are decent. He clearly wasn't the person you thought he was, and you didn't know him, only what he allowed you to see. Try to get out for some walks, it will give you some fresh air, and help clear your mind. Buy some Nytol tablets - herbal, that hopefully might make you sleep. Plenty of water. Can you do something nice for you? Massage, manicure etc. Try to focus on your MOH duties. Sending you a big hug ❤️

RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 21:33

WilfredsPies · 26/02/2025 21:29

You can’t force someone to behave like a decent human being, no matter how long the relationship. Your advice would achieve nothing more than him calling the police to get her moved on and away from his home. It’s unnecessary melodrama. She doesn’t need that in her life and, when she’s completely over him, she’ll be so relieved she didn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that he was so amazing that he drove a woman to acting like a stalkery lunatic because she couldn’t accept it was over.

Show quote history

It's not about not accepting it's over. It's having the self-respect to say to him "We had plans and you didn't show. You were expected at my friend's wedding and you didn't show. How dare you treat a fellow human being like that? How dare you treat your hosts like that? Don't ever treat a woman like that again". Obviously, he will continue to be a twat to every woman unfortunate enough to meet him, but I would be glad to have said my piece and dumped him out loud, instead of being dumped through cowardly silence.

You will see him squirm like a worm, and that's how you can always remember him. As a pathetic coward, not as the loving boyfriend who kissed you goodbye then vanished.

Hattieandcake · 26/02/2025 21:35

Yep was going to reply and say to hold them accountable and look them dead in the eye. It’s one thing hurting me but meeting my children and planning to come to a wedding after 18 months together where one would be merging lives together, that is just not going to fly blocking my phone number !!!!
I wouldn’t actually camp but I would go early and wait in my car for him to leave for work for example. I would probably also call his work if that failed!

TheWhiteUmbrella · 26/02/2025 21:38

What an absolute shit.

I've had some rough break ups. I know what you mean about that horrible feeling in your chest. It literally physically hurts, doesn't it?

I recommend a yoga class every week if you can get to it. It helps get the bad feelings out of your body and you can meditate on acceptance during the lie down at the end. It takes a while, but it does work if you keep at it.

I also recommend some music. If you want some very angry and dark break up music, Lingua Ignota is the queen. This is one of her songs - this woman knows a painful breakup.

I do also recommend getting into some upbeat music as well, when you're ready. Anything you can sing along to (in the car if you need to) or dance to (on your own if you prefer).

What he's done is so brutal. I really feel for you. I'm sending you a massive hug xx

fashionqueen0123 · 26/02/2025 21:38

I would go and find him too, and also ask the ex wife. This isn’t normal behaviour.

MugPlate · 26/02/2025 21:40

What are the readings?
If they are emotional and about love, it feels cruel to make you do them.

BellissimoGecko · 26/02/2025 21:40

What a cowardly bastard, OP, ghosting you instead of acting like an adult and talking to you. You deserve better.

TumbledTussocks · 26/02/2025 21:41

It's entirely possible you are the other woman and he's been caught.

Either way being forced to paint on a smile and go celebrate your best friend's big day may be a good way to break up the sadness and the fug.

The bright side may not seem it now but I promise you that you are so much better off for being apart from this bastard.

Hemlocked · 26/02/2025 21:42

The only legitimate reason I can imagine for someone ghosting in this way is if they've found out something about their partner that's an unforgiveable dealbreaker for them (like cheating). Apart from that there's absolutely no justification for it. He's a prize wanker and you've dodged a bullet OP.

RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 21:44

TumbledTussocks · 26/02/2025 21:41

It's entirely possible you are the other woman and he's been caught.

Either way being forced to paint on a smile and go celebrate your best friend's big day may be a good way to break up the sadness and the fug.

The bright side may not seem it now but I promise you that you are so much better off for being apart from this bastard.

Well, only if he's got a secret long-standing girlfriend that his ex-wife and kids don't know about - the OP has met them. More likely he has met a new woman. (OP, I am so sorry about this twat).

Also, IME, they are especially loving when they know they're about to pull the rug out from under you. It's like they want to make the most of you before they dump you, because they feel conflicted and greedy. The effect is so very cruel.

WilfredsPies · 26/02/2025 21:45

RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 21:33

It's not about not accepting it's over. It's having the self-respect to say to him "We had plans and you didn't show. You were expected at my friend's wedding and you didn't show. How dare you treat a fellow human being like that? How dare you treat your hosts like that? Don't ever treat a woman like that again". Obviously, he will continue to be a twat to every woman unfortunate enough to meet him, but I would be glad to have said my piece and dumped him out loud, instead of being dumped through cowardly silence.

You will see him squirm like a worm, and that's how you can always remember him. As a pathetic coward, not as the loving boyfriend who kissed you goodbye then vanished.

Edited
Show quote history

You’ve misunderstood completely. She clearly knows and is accepting that it’s over. But if she were to chase after him, determined to have the last word, it is going to appear to him that she isn’t able to accept it. And he’ll convince himself that he was right to end things the way he did, because who turns up at someone’s home to dump them, after they’ve already been dumped? She doesn’t not need this man telling people that she was chasing after him, trying to force him to listen to what she has to say.

In a fantasy world, it would be lovely for her to tell him what a complete twat he is and how badly he’s behaved, before flipping her hair, turning on her heel and walking off into the sunset to start a new life. But in reality, he’s never going to open the door and invite her in for a chat, is he? As soon as he realises it’s her at the door, he’s going to behave like the snivelling little coward he is and either ignore her or call the police to have her moved on. How is that going to help anyone? It’s her life, not an episode of some naff soap opera.