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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted & maid of honour in 3 days

337 replies

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 18:58

Hi all, I have been ghosted by a man who I was in a relationship with for 18 months.
I am in shock and utterly heartbroken.
It came completely out of the blue.
We had a fantastic relationship ( or so I thought) the last time I saw him things were good & he even booked a nice weekend away for the both of us.
It was a serious relationship. Saw each other regularly, met each other's families etc.

I am absolutely broken
I can't eat or sleep
I cannot focus. I almost hit my car today and I took the wrong turning twice.
I am either sat frozen with a painful heart looking into space or moving continually.
My heart is racing constantly & my stomach is churning and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I am going through the motions at home with my two teen and pre teen children as to try not to upset them but they can see I am not myself.

To top all of this off It is one of my best childhood friends wedding in 3 days and I am not only a bridesmaid but maid of honour.
I have duties. I have 2 readings to do. I am sat at the top table with her , her husband , parents and there will be an empty space where my partner was suppose to be sitting.

I'm in such a horrible position as I do not wnat to make her day about me so I have lied to her and told her that her has the flu.

I can tell her after , the next few days is about her. That's not the problem .

I'm just struggling to see how I can get through the wedding day.
I can barely shower and walk my dog.

I was so excited about my friends wedding.
What he has done has ruined this for me

Please help me I need some advice something to hold onto and something to keep me strong, I am in such a state and I am broken 💔

OP posts:
Semiramide · 28/02/2025 09:12

Strong disagree about contacting his family. Keep your distance OP. No good would come out of trying to get information from them. Blood is thicker than water et cetera.

Get generic Benadryl to help you sleep until you are on a more even keel.

I hope the wedding goes well. This too shall pass!

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 28/02/2025 09:13

I've also been writing down what I'm feeling & thinking as I have found in the past it has helped me to process loss/ pain/ grief.
I have realised for me the worst part in all of this isn't actually losing him. I know I will eventually be ok after a break up.
It's the not knowing part which I am finding so cruel and so painful.
Not knowing for me leaves me questioning anything & everything that went on between us which is causing my anxiety to go through the roof! Seriously how could he be so dam nasty 😒
To reply to a couple of previous posters questions and comments:
Yes I have been through pain and difficult times before, however when it came to the break up of the father of my children it was done very respectfully, was a mutual decision as we had both grown apart. We get on well , just both wanted different things so this isn't the same.
Also to those that recommend turning up at his home. I don't completely disagree with this & I do feel after 18 months there should be some accountability, it's just not something I want to do as I don't believe he will answer the door.
Another question someone asked , how come the subject of ghosting came up in conversation during our relationship, well it was him that bought up the subject after him telling me that he got hurt once before after getting very close to someone & they disappeared & ghosted him , he said it was horrible & didn't understand how anyone could do such a cruel thing to someone 😕....... well how ironic!!
I'm struggling today so I am just using my post to vent and process 😪

OP posts:
Semiramide · 28/02/2025 09:25

Not knowing for me leaves me questioning anything & everything that went on between us which is causing my anxiety to go through the roof

Try to get some counselling to help you get through this, but also accept that most people will go through a similarly distressing relationship experience at some point in their lives.

SwayzeM · 28/02/2025 09:33

Just a thought. I know he's ghosted you, but is there any chance he would turn up for the wedding. He presumably hasn't contacted the bride to say he's not going, or you wouldn't have needed to take him off the guest list yourself. Can you drop a message to him at his apartment or via his family to say his place has been given to some else so not to turn up.

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/02/2025 09:33

JFDIYOLO · 28/02/2025 09:07

OP, I would recommend you message his mum or sister for example (just the one maybe, no bombarding) and just say

I don't know if you're aware, but I haven't heard from him since x and he's blocked me everywhere.

I'll understand if he does not want to see me again, and I'm not going to pursue him if he's decided he just doesn't want to be with me.

But I'm left feeling lost, frightened and bemused by being ghosted out of nowhere without a word.

I just need to know if anything has happened to him - and if he is ok?

I would not contact his family . Leave the arse to it .

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/02/2025 09:35

@Petalroseblue I would leave his family there but not contact him . If they asks question then you can answer them but I feel you need to focus on moving forward .
Did you read the link someone out on here about the other girl it happened too? “Running on the rain”
I read her posts they are worth a read and may give you strength if you read them.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 28/02/2025 09:43

CheekyHobson · 28/02/2025 01:04

Having the dignity to realise that once someone ghosts you, there is no further discussion worth having is not the same as being a “wet lettuce”.

Yes, ghosting with no explanation is psycho behaviour. And you think if you show up on his doorstep you will suddenly get an empathetic or considered explanation?

There would be no logistics of returning items for me: his stuff could go directly in the bin and my dignity would be worth more than sending him emails demanding a couple of t-shirts and the paperback I was reading back.

Its not about shrugging shoulders and saying “oh well”, it’s about not giving someone who has deeply disrespected you any more of your emotional energy.

Show quote history

Thank you for explaining this far better than I could.

There's nothing he could say that makes it OK. OP would gain nothing and stand to be reported to the police for harassment. It's not worth it.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 28/02/2025 09:47

BettyBardMacDonald · 28/02/2025 02:26

It is very demeaning and bunny boiler to chase someone who has spurned you. Retain at least a shred of dignity by taking the hint and moving on.

It's not "bunny boiler" unless you try to get revenge. However, you risk further contact being construed as such. Please acknowledge that distinction in your future posts.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/02/2025 09:50

@CCheekyHobson also agree with this, and please don't message his family, this will just get twisted to make you look like a crazy person...even though you're far from it

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 28/02/2025 10:00

@selffellatingouroborosofhate The definition of Harassment is a pattern of repeated unwanted contact. Knocking on his door once and asking for stuff back or asking why he's done something, is not repeated is it?! Therefore it is not harassment and no police officer would even entertain it as such 🙄

LunaLove1 · 28/02/2025 10:20

When my ghoster popped back up I demanded some explanation and I wasn’t going to roll over without one. He had three years of me being there for everything, there was no way I was showing him it was acceptable by letting him get away with it.

Some posters are making women out to be the bad ones for wanting answers and that’s exactly how men are able to get away with it.

Beaumon · 28/02/2025 10:21

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 28/02/2025 09:43

Thank you for explaining this far better than I could.

There's nothing he could say that makes it OK. OP would gain nothing and stand to be reported to the police for harassment. It's not worth it.

Show quote history

This poster is absolutely right. It's absolutely natural to think about conversations where he explains everything, begs for forgiveness and you tell him what a worm he is etc etc.

But there is nothing he - or his family - could ever say that will make you feel better. Neither his excuses or apologies will have any value.

Something I read on here once has stayed with me - closure comes from within. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.

You are doing so well in such a difficult situation. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Lean on your friends and - at the right time! - your fiery sister. He is a fool and you are worth a million of him. Leave him in the past and move on to your brilliant future.

And there's a reason so many people talk about the Running In The Rain story. The power she built up by just never replying when he got back in touch was awesome. Literally awesome.

LongDarkTeatime · 28/02/2025 10:29

Good to hear you are feeling a bit better @Petalroseblue
As has been said multiple times tomorrow will undoubtedly be difficult for you as you work to support your friend on her very important day. You haven’t mentioned it but have you let her know the situation in case she wishes to do something to support your friend on eg making sure you won’t be doing anything which you’d find too hard?

Lostworlds · 28/02/2025 10:42

Up to you if you remove them or not but I wouldn’t contact them. It’s really awful what he has done but he’s an adult so he can tell them himself.

If they see pictures of you from the wedding then so be it. They can ask him about it if they choose to but I wouldn’t focus on any of that.

It’s hard and I know you can’t see it but you’re doing so well and trying your hardest to refocus yourself. Soon you won’t need to try and you’ll forget to think of him. Keep doing what you’re doing and try forget about social media side of things.

CorduroySituation · 28/02/2025 10:57

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 06:09

  • Find your anger - the seeds have been sown, I see. Anyone who does something this brutal is honestly not worth mourning. Only the lowest of the low, someone with serious emotional issues would do this
  • Get in your car, drive somewhere private and absolutely let loose emotionally. Scream whatever you'd like to scream at him as if he were there, cry, swear, get out of the car and stamp your feet, flail your arms, do whatever feels like maximum emotional release. Do not hold back, really go to town and let it all out. Afterwards you will feel feel emptied out, faintly silly and amused at yourself, far lighter and ready to move on
  • Make a girl-power playlist, all the songs that make you feel strong and sexy or just good and upbeat and put it on repeat
  • Allow yourself to be distracted by the wedding. Sometimes having a lot to do and focus on is a really good thing
  • Be super-super nice to yourself. If ever there was a time to splurge on a massage treatment or a new dress or extravagant flowers or something you've been longing for but can't quite justify buying, now is that time. It's your freedom gift. You've dodged a bullet.

Good advice.

CorduroySituation · 28/02/2025 11:01

@ooooohnoooooo that was so so incredibly brave and kind of you after your dad died. You're a remarkable friend to do that for the bride.

CorduroySituation · 28/02/2025 11:11

@JandLandG really? Are you in the UK? I'm in my mid 50's and remember going to family weddings as a child in the 70s and 80s with either a Matron (married) or Maid (unmarried) of Honour - usually the bride's sister or best friend and "head" bridesmaid. And every wedding I've been to since has one.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 28/02/2025 11:53

@JandLandG I was a Maid of Honour 30 years ago? Every wedding I've ever attended has had a Maid of Honour.... 🤨

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 28/02/2025 11:56

@ooooohnoooooo That was very nice and sweet of you to put your friend first. I'm not questioning your intentions when I say this, but I'd genuinely be gutted if my friend did this and didn't tell me when she needed me.

ooooohnoooooo · 28/02/2025 12:41

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring i think it's a very personal thing. I know my friend extremely well and she lost her mum young so i was 'stand in mum' for her wedding. If she'd been worrying about me she would not have been able to relax and enjoy the absolutely wonderful wedding she had planned. she said afterwards that she was grateful that I'd chosen not to tell her.
For others it may have been a different choice. I think you have to go with your gut and whatever decision you make is the right one when done with the right intentions I think.

ooooohnoooooo · 28/02/2025 12:47

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring i think it's a very personal thing. I know my friend extremely well and she lost her mum young so i was 'stand in mum' for her wedding. If she'd been worrying about me she would not have been able to relax and enjoy the absolutely wonderful wedding she had planned. she said afterwards that she was grateful that I'd chosen not to tell her.
For others it may have been a different choice. I think you have to go with your gut and whatever decision you make is the right one when done with the right intentions I think.

I also think that at that time I didn't need her - I had my DH and family to cry to, and her need to have the time of her life overrode mine on that day. It's not an altruism competition but I do think sometimes you have to step back, detatch and choose the best (sometimes least worst!) path for everyone.

it's tough though.

@CorduroySituation thankyou. my friend is remarkable too - an utterly lovely person who deserved the best wedding ever, so that made it a million times easier. she had spent months planning taking graet care to make sure guests would have a whale of a time (we did!) and as said above i was stand-in mum too so it was really a no-brainer.

I love a good wedding, and my dad did too. He couldn't come to mine as he was too ill with dementia to cope (heartbreaking) so in a weird way I was thinking of him too and what he would have wanted.

Notagainx · 28/02/2025 13:13

It’s horrible being ghosted and I am the type of person who needs a proper ending and I don’t like being in limbo. I don’t think you would get a truthful answer though even if you did see him/turn up/whatever.

When I had someone gradually cut contact (not exactly ghosting) the explanation he gave was rubbish and I still don’t believe it. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or something but it didn’t help. I would prefer a firm, ‘I don’t want to see you any more. It’s over.’ I can understand those who say contact him and those who say leave it.

Good luck for your maid of honour duties. I am sure you will do your best.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/02/2025 13:22

JFDIYOLO · 28/02/2025 09:07

OP, I would recommend you message his mum or sister for example (just the one maybe, no bombarding) and just say

I don't know if you're aware, but I haven't heard from him since x and he's blocked me everywhere.

I'll understand if he does not want to see me again, and I'm not going to pursue him if he's decided he just doesn't want to be with me.

But I'm left feeling lost, frightened and bemused by being ghosted out of nowhere without a word.

I just need to know if anything has happened to him - and if he is ok?

Oh no, that sounds so pleading and rooting for information.

If OP were minded to, she could message them to say, "Twat and I have now split up. I know you will understand why I won't be in contact further".

... and then delete/block them all. There's no need to stay in touch with them. But, it's OP's choice.

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 28/02/2025 13:28

I dont understand where the messaging his family part has come from? I've never once said I would msg his family? I was asking whether I should leave them as friends on my social media or delete them

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 28/02/2025 13:28

RedPlumJammy · 27/02/2025 22:23

I agree with @NotVeryFunny and I get so sick of seeing responses on here basically saying "he's made his choice" and telling OP to simply move on like a wet lettuce when they have been in a long term relationship.

Accepting that it is somehow normal or ok to simply cut and block someone after a long relationship just reinforces that behaviour. It also reinforces the idea that women who try to get any sort of explanation are "nuts" or "psycho" and the man doing the blocking is fine.

It is completely and utterly abhorrent to "ghost" someone. That term and the behaviour it represents is becoming normalised when THAT is the psycho, sociopathic behaviour.

Nobody is saying go round and throw rocks at the window. But going round and asking for an explanation is the completely normal human response here not just shrugging shoulders and saying "oh well". Obviously OP isn't expecting to get back together but she might get some sort of explanation.

Edited
Show quote history

This is quite wrong.

Silence is its own response and walking away with our dignity intact is the strong response.

Who wants to 'beg', reveal weakness in our anger, hand all the power to the other person by demanding to know their reasons? Do you think this will bring about the answers and the closure you hope for, or that the cowardly ghoster will have anything to say that you care to hear? (Spoiler on both counts - 'no').

IMO that's putting yourself in a position of weakness, not strength.