Ghosted & maid of honour in 3 days

[Petalroseblue]

Hi all, I have been ghosted by a man who I was in a relationship with for 18 months.
I am in shock and utterly heartbroken.
It came completely out of the blue.
We had a fantastic relationship ( or so I thought) the last time I saw him things were good & he even booked a nice weekend away for the both of us.
It was a serious relationship. Saw each other regularly, met each other's families etc.

I am absolutely broken
I can't eat or sleep
I cannot focus. I almost hit my car today and I took the wrong turning twice.
I am either sat frozen with a painful heart looking into space or moving continually.
My heart is racing constantly & my stomach is churning and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I am going through the motions at home with my two teen and pre teen children as to try not to upset them but they can see I am not myself.

To top all of this off It is one of my best childhood friends wedding in 3 days and I am not only a bridesmaid but maid of honour.
I have duties. I have 2 readings to do. I am sat at the top table with her , her husband , parents and there will be an empty space where my partner was suppose to be sitting.

I'm in such a horrible position as I do not wnat to make her day about me so I have lied to her and told her that her has the flu.

I can tell her after , the next few days is about her. That's not the problem .

I'm just struggling to see how I can get through the wedding day.
I can barely shower and walk my dog.

I was so excited about my friends wedding.
What he has done has ruined this for me

Please help me I need some advice something to hold onto and something to keep me strong, I am in such a state and I am broken 💔

Nope.

I’ve seen men (and to a lesser degree, women) do enough fucked-up things over the years that a ghosting after 18 months, while horrible, is completely plausible to me.

I wouldn’t tie myself up in knots trying to work out if there’s some extraordinary excuse for him suddenly blocking me and going off the radar. I’d accept it at face value and get on with moving on.

And if it eventually turned out that he had a tendency to suffer mental health crises that led to him blocking people he cared for for periods of time before “coming right”, he wouldn’t be someone I’d choose to stay in a relationship with.

So sorry you’ve been treated so badly in the past ❤️ These people really are massive shits.

Thank you. Only one treated me very badly but I am old enough to have seen a few things besides that!

I do understand the temptation to desperately look for explanations that don't mean the person you've been in a relationship is a massive shit, but I've learned my lesson now.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, I'm not going to waste a second of my time hoping that it might actually be a prince in a duck costume.

Once you get over the intial shock, you'll realise that that twat (and he is a twat if that's how he's choosing to treat you) has done you a favour. He's not worth losing sleep over. Your friendships however sound amazing. How wonderful to still have a childhood best friend. It would be very sad if your memories of the wedding were forever tainted by some arsehole bloke. Don't let them be. Get yourself some chocolate and a good film, have a proper cry, get it all out of your system then put that loser out of your mind as best you can and go and have a fab time at your mates wedding.

Sorry but this is odd. You were in an 18 month relationship with the man. I would definitely be going round to his house. There's no way I'd let anyone do this to me. He'd need to say it to my face. You are not the one be who needs to feel humiliated here. He's acted appalling. I can't believe this is a thing that people do. Jesus.

I think it would be odder to go, she knows it's over, he probably wouldn't even come to the door which would make her feel worse

Do you really think that showing up and banging on his door demanding an explanation is going to help? If he’s cowardly enough to ghost and block, I don’t think that there’s much chance he’s going to front up for being dressed down in person.

I agree with @NotVeryFunny and I get so sick of seeing responses on here basically saying "he's made his choice" and telling OP to simply move on like a wet lettuce when they have been in a long term relationship.

Accepting that it is somehow normal or ok to simply cut and block someone after a long relationship just reinforces that behaviour. It also reinforces the idea that women who try to get any sort of explanation are "nuts" or "psycho" and the man doing the blocking is fine.

It is completely and utterly abhorrent to "ghost" someone. That term and the behaviour it represents is becoming normalised when THAT is the psycho, sociopathic behaviour.

Nobody is saying go round and throw rocks at the window. But going round and asking for an explanation is the completely normal human response here not just shrugging shoulders and saying "oh well". Obviously OP isn't expecting to get back together but she might get some sort of explanation.

The hardest thing I've ever done was not go round to the house of the man who ghosted me and demand an explanation.

But now I'm so happy I didn't. He was a narcissistic pos and he'd have probably loved knowing he was sending me out of my mind. I blocked him right back and never tried to contact him again (even though it was torture and I didn't get over it for a long time). Il always be glad I didn't lower myself to begging for an explanation.

You sound really strong OP and like you've got your head screwed on. You're doing the right thing not going round there.

No one is saying that it's normal or reasonable to ghost a non-abusive partner. What we are saying is that OP should not demean herself by going around asking for an explanation or doing anything else that could be construed as "begging". We are saying that she will do herself no good, and possibly harm, by doing so, because her behaviour will be unfairly framed as "bunny boiler".

If someone is awful to you, the best thing to do is to walk away.

Someone from his past showed up that he’s never gotten over. She’ll screw him over and he’ll be back. I promise.

I am not trying to start a war but you have proved my point. It is not demeaning herself or being a "bunny boiler" to go and see someone she is in a relationship with to ask why she is suddenly and inexplicably cut off. At all.

Not to mention the fact that there are often logistics to sort out such as returning personal items etc. It's batshit to just walk away and it normalises "ghosting"

It is not demeaning herself or being a "bunny boiler" to go and see someone she is in a relationship with to ask why she is suddenly and inexplicably cut off. At all.

He will frame it as such and use it against her, thus she will be demeaned. Plus, if he's the kind of guy who likes to think that women will throw themselves at him and beg, her going around will feed his ego.

Been there, done that, been humiliated. It's really not worth it for such a low value man.

My point still stands.

Having the dignity to realise that once someone ghosts you, there is no further discussion worth having is not the same as being a “wet lettuce”.

Yes, ghosting with no explanation is psycho behaviour. And you think if you show up on his doorstep you will suddenly get an empathetic or considered explanation?

There would be no logistics of returning items for me: his stuff could go directly in the bin and my dignity would be worth more than sending him emails demanding a couple of t-shirts and the paperback I was reading back.

Its not about shrugging shoulders and saying “oh well”, it’s about not giving someone who has deeply disrespected you any more of your emotional energy.

In America, maybe...not round my way!

It is very demeaning and bunny boiler to chase someone who has spurned you. Retain at least a shred of dignity by taking the hint and moving on.

This is so offensive it’s unreal. Bunny boiler - misogynist rubbish.

Stop straw manning the issue. It’s not about chasing or stalking someone.

I agree. Bunny boiler should be left in the 80s. It's 2025 ffs. I think it's perfectly reasonable after 18 months to be given an explanation. He is being unreasonable here but I wouldnt go looking for it. What a bas**rd.
I hope you are feeling better today OP

I think it's reasonable to expect a conversation after a relationship that long. You don't have to be deranged or lose your dignity, or any other derogatory ways of describing woman's behaviour.

Most of us can accept difficult and upsetting news and still be able to be reasonable and talk respectfully. I'd definitely want to do this, nothing long or 'hysterical', just a goodbye chat and to end a relationship of length in an adult manner.

He's most likely going to pop up after the wedding. Change your phone number too. It's usually free.

I remember my sister having a Matron of Honour in the 1970s. It was what we called a married bridesmaid. Maid of Honour is the chief bridesmaid.

There are even little cakes called Maids of Honour.

Thanks again to you all. I was feeling very up & down yesterday.

I am still friends with all of his family on my social media so I'm not sure what to do ? Any advice on this? Shall I just leave them on there? They haven't done a thing wrong & always treated me really well.
He's obviously not told any of them.
I'm not one big on posting all the time anyway so they won't see much. However there will be wedding pics that I will be tagged in so they may wonder where he is .

Anyway tomorrow is the day of the wedding, I still have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and trying to focus is hard. I am falling asleep at night however I am awake again by 2.30 ish and can't get back to sleep again so I am exhausted!
The headspace app has been helpful and I have done a couple of meditations from YouTube specifically aimed for heart break 💔 .... it's like it's all hit me today!
How could he do this? What an absolute coward.

OP, I would recommend you message his mum or sister for example (just the one maybe, no bombarding) and just say

I don't know if you're aware, but I haven't heard from him since x and he's blocked me everywhere.

I'll understand if he does not want to see me again, and I'm not going to pursue him if he's decided he just doesn't want to be with me.

But I'm left feeling lost, frightened and bemused by being ghosted out of nowhere without a word.

I just need to know if anything has happened to him - and if he is ok?

@Petalroseblue leave them for now! they can look at the pics and wonder where the hell the wimp of a man in!! then you dont have to say anything but they will ask him instead! after a couple of weeks, block the lot of them including the offender! they have no need to know how your life is going!