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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted & maid of honour in 3 days

337 replies

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 18:58

Hi all, I have been ghosted by a man who I was in a relationship with for 18 months.
I am in shock and utterly heartbroken.
It came completely out of the blue.
We had a fantastic relationship ( or so I thought) the last time I saw him things were good & he even booked a nice weekend away for the both of us.
It was a serious relationship. Saw each other regularly, met each other's families etc.

I am absolutely broken
I can't eat or sleep
I cannot focus. I almost hit my car today and I took the wrong turning twice.
I am either sat frozen with a painful heart looking into space or moving continually.
My heart is racing constantly & my stomach is churning and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I am going through the motions at home with my two teen and pre teen children as to try not to upset them but they can see I am not myself.

To top all of this off It is one of my best childhood friends wedding in 3 days and I am not only a bridesmaid but maid of honour.
I have duties. I have 2 readings to do. I am sat at the top table with her , her husband , parents and there will be an empty space where my partner was suppose to be sitting.

I'm in such a horrible position as I do not wnat to make her day about me so I have lied to her and told her that her has the flu.

I can tell her after , the next few days is about her. That's not the problem .

I'm just struggling to see how I can get through the wedding day.
I can barely shower and walk my dog.

I was so excited about my friends wedding.
What he has done has ruined this for me

Please help me I need some advice something to hold onto and something to keep me strong, I am in such a state and I am broken 💔

OP posts:
WindyRiver · 27/02/2025 07:58

My maid of honour and her boyfriend broke up just a few days before my wedding. She told me about it (it wasn't a horrible ghosting situation like yours) then slapped on a happy face for my sake. She was really hurting (I didn't know how bad until after the wedding). More than a decade later, I'm still really touched by her kindness and sacrifice in that situation.

You sound really lovely, OP, trying to come up with ways to just get through the wedding for your friend's sake. Just take it a little bit at a time to get through, and don't let that shitbag take away this moment of kindness toward your friend.

RedPlumJammy · 27/02/2025 07:58

MySunshineDoggy · 27/02/2025 07:51

I'm so sorry OP. Betrayal trauma is the worst. When people we trust and rely on do something that they shouldn't they world becomes a much scarier place as we feel we can't trust our own instincts to keep us safe and guided. I've had a few myself (not the same as yours but where something shocking and awful happened) and my world was rocked for quite a few years.

What you are feeling is completely normal and you need to take it hour by hour at the moment. I remember feeling shocked, numb, disorientated, frozen and feeling like I couldn't walk home when I was just a few streets away.

Even now if I hear a certain song from that period it has a horrible effect on me.

It will change you and unfortunately it will make it more difficult to trust in the future.

The only thing I can say to console you (and I know it dosen't feel like it just now) is this is not a man you could have ever trusted so you may as well find it out now before you waste any more of your life on the non gentleman. He sounds like he said all the right things ie he hates ghosters etc, but when it suited him his actions showed you who he really was.

I know it's a corny cliche and all that but it's true - ignore what people say and look at what they do.

Unfortunately he has managed to play the part of a good person for 18 months so the shock is huge to find out that actually he is of poor character.

I did actually work with someone a while back who was ghosted after 9years. I jest not. When she first told me the story I thought she was joking or at least exaggerating but no she was not. This was a woman in her forties and I think he was the same or a wee bit older. I don't know how she survived it but she did and lived to tell the tale. You will too.

Another thing that might console you slightly is that when men break up with you that often don't tell you the real reason anyway. So I know you must have a million questions of why but from experience I have had men 'kindly' break up with me but you just know the reasons they give you are completely crap. One told me not to worry I wouldn't see him on a dating site as he had to concentrate on his work and the next day there he was on a dating site. I mean why say it. Obviously he was just saying whatever kept me calm and got him out of there having broken up with me and still being 'the nice guy'. I mean he was entitled to go on a dating site if we were finished but by saying he wouldn't be on it I got a bigger shock to see him there if that makes sense.

Anyway you are obviously a decent, good human being who is understandly shocked by this behaviour. He is obviously not a good human being although he has taken a while to reveal this. Hold your head up high and continue being a good human being. A man that would do this is no loss.

Big hugs xxxx

NINE years?! I feel like this should be a crime or something

EasternStandard · 27/02/2025 08:00

Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 04:41

Hi all, I'm awake as I cannot sleep at all. I just wanted to say your posts have been helping me so much.
Late last night my friend ( the one coming to the evening do) had a quick look at him on social media to mainly double check to see if he is posting and alive as I am blocked and can't see.
I said to her you can check once and then that is it for me I will not be going down the route of obsessively checking his social media I am trying to process, hold it together and focus on my friends wedding.
So here's the strange bit.... she phoned me up and said this is really odd , you are still his fb profile photo ( it was a picture of us together) and it is still public.
I said well maybe he just hasn't got around to chaging it ! But yeh that really hurt & I've told her I don't want to know anything about him or his online presence at all from now on amd she agreed.
I just found this very strange for someone to ghost but leave me and him as his fb social media photo!! The profile picture of us has also made me start to feel my anger 😠... how dare he have my photo on his fb account!!!

Edited

Late last night my friend ( the one coming to the evening do) had a quick look at him on social media to mainly double check to see if he is posting and alive as I am blocked and can't see.

Apart from the profile pic did she have an answer on this?

notatinydancer · 27/02/2025 08:14

Pinkissmart · 26/02/2025 19:35

Gosh, am I the only one that thinks diazepam may be a recipe for disaster if you need to have your wits about you, and you’ve never taken it before?
Just me? 🥸

I agree with pp about finding your anger. I reckon it will kick in very soon. This man is doing a despicable thing to you, and you do not deserve it.

Let me say this again- HE is despicable and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS

They don't prescribe it anymore for things like this.

ooooohnoooooo · 27/02/2025 08:17

I was MOH at my friend's wedding just 2 days after my dad died. I chose not to tell her as I wanted the wedding to be about her and her husband, not my grief. I also went to a close friends wedding just a couple of weeks after my ex DH walked out on me to live with a mutual friend (by the way it was the best thing he ever did as I then met my DH, had 2 fabulous kids and an amazing life together).

On the one after my dad died I took a very deep breath, put on a 'mask' and focused all of my energies on her and making her day special and fantastic. I thought about my dad and how he loved my friend too, and how chuffed he would have been for her to have such a special day. I focused on the love and happiness side of things. And focused on my wonderful friend and her happiness. It was hard but worked. It was sort of a temporary emotional detachment. And it allowed me to enjoy the day too, whilst my grief was suspended. It wasn't until 2-3 weeks after the wedding that I told my friend and she had no idea at all.

For you it's a different circumstance but it's still grief. He's a git to treat you like this, so try and find a spark of defiance. How bloody dare he do this to you? You are brilliant and deserve better. Channel that spark of defiance into showing yourself, and the world how bloody fabulous you are. How elegant and sexy you look in your dress. How engaging and funny you are in company. How you glow with love and friendship for your friend. Act it, channel every last ounce of energy you have to live that life for the day. You deserve happiness and this is the first day of the rest of your life. Go live it you fantastic woman !

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 08:21

Apollo365 · 27/02/2025 07:47

OP I am a bit concerned that he’s not ok…
esp since your update about Facebook. It was a two year relationship, not a couple of dates. I’d be contacting his family, going to his house and calling the police. This is weird

What reasonable explanation for blocking her on all contact channels other than ghosting could there be?

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 27/02/2025 08:22

Does he have a jealous ex or a jealous friend or someone that could have done this on his phone? He might think you are ghosting him. Could your friend with access to him via Facebook contact him just to confirm that he wants no contact with you? She doesn't need to get any details or give you any details other than a yes or no, just seems odd.

I had an ex once who came round to get some stuff, my ipad was in the front room and he went through it, clocked peoples phone numbers and unfriended people and I didn't know until weeks later when someone said they had been trying to call me and thought I had blocked them.

BrickBiscuit · 27/02/2025 08:28

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 19:11

Good idea, I will contact the GP first thing tomorrow, thanks

Show quote history

Bad idea. If you're not used to taking diazepam you will not recognise the effect it will have on you. You may have an adverse reaction to it. How will they work out what dose is low enough to have an effect without being so high it causes excessive drowsiness or worse. Why medicalise real-life problems? By all means ask their advice on real-life support. And use alcohol wisely too (assuming you are aware of its effect on you).

notatinydancer · 27/02/2025 08:30

JandLandG · 27/02/2025 01:46

What's a Maid of Honour, btw?

Am I getting old?

Is this an American thing?

The term / role has been around since at least Roman times.

Biscuitsnotcookies · 27/02/2025 08:32

I am stunned anyone is recommending diazepam! She has broken up with a boyfriend not lost a limb or her mother. Some perspective is required here. It is one day, that’s all.

viques · 27/02/2025 08:33

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. I am trying to think of something positive to say, but the best I can come up with is that in time you will be able to look at the wedding photos and remember the day positively as the start of your new life, without having to worry that his lying face will be in any of them.

LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 08:55

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 27/02/2025 08:22

Does he have a jealous ex or a jealous friend or someone that could have done this on his phone? He might think you are ghosting him. Could your friend with access to him via Facebook contact him just to confirm that he wants no contact with you? She doesn't need to get any details or give you any details other than a yes or no, just seems odd.

I had an ex once who came round to get some stuff, my ipad was in the front room and he went through it, clocked peoples phone numbers and unfriended people and I didn't know until weeks later when someone said they had been trying to call me and thought I had blocked them.

I know people try to justify it with a reason but some men really are this immature and cut throat.

You may start to see little warning signs from before it happened or realise that some things didn’t make sense. If he started to go quiet beforehand that’s usually the sign that something or someone else has taken this attention.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this wedding had spooked him and instead of being honest he’s ran away.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/02/2025 08:56

I'm sorry, OP, what a shitty thing to happen. Can you get hold of something to help you sleep for the next couple of nights?

Spend the next two days trying to prioritise your own physical and mental health and wellbeing. As much sleep as you can get, eat nourishing, healthy food, drink lots of water, no alcohol.

If you're having your hair and makeup professionally don't for the wedding, don't worry about how you look, these people can work wonders.

You're a brilliant friend for being there for the bride on her big day even though you're feeling heartbroken. Hopefully there will be enough going on that you'll be able to put him out of your mind at least some of the time.

Try not to get too drunk at the wedding.

I hope the bride is as good a friend to you after her wedding as you are being now.

Any man who would treat you like this is not worth being with.

LunaNorth · 27/02/2025 09:00

He doesn’t want to be on the photos, for some reason. He’s panicked. My guess is he’s seeing someone else who doesn’t know about you.

The coward hasn’t told his family and kids what he’s done, so he’s left your photo up on Facebook as a cover.

What a cowardly twat. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve such terrible treatment. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re best out of his mess.

Apollo365 · 27/02/2025 09:12

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 08:21

What reasonable explanation for blocking her on all contact channels other than ghosting could there be?

Show quote history

Would you not check? Assuming she knows the family..

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 09:26

LunaNorth · 27/02/2025 09:00

He doesn’t want to be on the photos, for some reason. He’s panicked. My guess is he’s seeing someone else who doesn’t know about you.

The coward hasn’t told his family and kids what he’s done, so he’s left your photo up on Facebook as a cover.

What a cowardly twat. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve such terrible treatment. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re best out of his mess.

I have thought about this. However would he have me as his fb profile photo? If he was seeing someone else? What I mean is , wouldn't he be worried about her seeing the profile photo herself? Everyone has a little Facebook stalk of who they are seeing/dating these days surely?

OP posts:
LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 09:26

Apollo365 · 27/02/2025 09:12

Would you not check? Assuming she knows the family..

Show quote history

When it happened to me I was so tempted to contact his family but he popped back up when I posted photos from my siblings wedding. He was at events having a great time without a care about how hurt I was. I dragged a reason out of him and it was that he was ‘enjoying being on his own’. It later changed to ‘having a lot on’ but the reason changed constantly.

Karma hit him hard and years later he was crying to me about how lonely he was.

If a man ever did this to me again I’d turn my back and remain silent because they always come back.

JFDIYOLO · 27/02/2025 09:28

Please tell the bride. You don't want kind enquiries and 'please give him my love and hope to see him soon' that might tip you over the edge.

Please don't medicate. You don't want to zombify yourself or risk a reaction.

It's unlikely it's because he's scared someone else will find out - his profile photo would be a dead giveaway.

If he ever tries crawling back, play him the song Cry Me A River.

It might be an idea to contact his parents, sibling, anyone he has, just in the faint possibility there might be something wrong, say a breakdown. You'll have done the right thing and can walk away.

Pancakeflipper · 27/02/2025 09:41

I'm so sorry you've got to deal with this but you are going to smash it as MoH at this wedding. I hope it's a wedding full of happy people, kindness and joy to help lift you for the day.

You and your friend - get on that dance floor and do your bestest moves.

People who ghost to end relationships are weak. They are cowards. You are not.

LunaNorth · 27/02/2025 09:54

Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 09:26

I have thought about this. However would he have me as his fb profile photo? If he was seeing someone else? What I mean is , wouldn't he be worried about her seeing the profile photo herself? Everyone has a little Facebook stalk of who they are seeing/dating these days surely?

Edited
Show quote history

She might know about you. Who knows what he told her, or what his motivation is?

You can’t second guess these creeps, really. They’re not wired normally.

LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 09:58

Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 09:26

I have thought about this. However would he have me as his fb profile photo? If he was seeing someone else? What I mean is , wouldn't he be worried about her seeing the profile photo herself? Everyone has a little Facebook stalk of who they are seeing/dating these days surely?

Edited
Show quote history

Some men say they don’t have SM but they do really, they just have people blocked.

Icantcontinuetodothis · 27/02/2025 10:33

Been through similar...its the worst feeling ever. The fb profile pic the very very weird...unless he just hasn't thought about it?
Get your friend to see if he's posted anything since he ghosted you as in insight?

I'm sorry op. I know your mind is whizzing right now

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 10:49

LunaNorth · 27/02/2025 09:54

She might know about you. Who knows what he told her, or what his motivation is?

You can’t second guess these creeps, really. They’re not wired normally.

Show quote history

Very good point. My friend wants to put his picture up on arewedatingbthesame guy facebook group in our area. I am hesitant as I think it may hurt me more and I will end up really upset. Whatever has happened, I know he hasn't treated me correctly & I'm not sure I need to know anymore right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 10:50

LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 09:58

Some men say they don’t have SM but they do really, they just have people blocked.

Show quote history

Yes true, my friend said he may also have more than one account

OP posts:
Fraaances · 27/02/2025 11:55

I think she should put it on are we dating the same guy. You may find out something you don’t want to hear but you need to know. (And on that note given his behaviour, an STI test probably a good idea.) Nothing more clarifying than finding out he’s a rat and you will get over it faster.