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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted & maid of honour in 3 days

337 replies

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 18:58

Hi all, I have been ghosted by a man who I was in a relationship with for 18 months.
I am in shock and utterly heartbroken.
It came completely out of the blue.
We had a fantastic relationship ( or so I thought) the last time I saw him things were good & he even booked a nice weekend away for the both of us.
It was a serious relationship. Saw each other regularly, met each other's families etc.

I am absolutely broken
I can't eat or sleep
I cannot focus. I almost hit my car today and I took the wrong turning twice.
I am either sat frozen with a painful heart looking into space or moving continually.
My heart is racing constantly & my stomach is churning and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I am going through the motions at home with my two teen and pre teen children as to try not to upset them but they can see I am not myself.

To top all of this off It is one of my best childhood friends wedding in 3 days and I am not only a bridesmaid but maid of honour.
I have duties. I have 2 readings to do. I am sat at the top table with her , her husband , parents and there will be an empty space where my partner was suppose to be sitting.

I'm in such a horrible position as I do not wnat to make her day about me so I have lied to her and told her that her has the flu.

I can tell her after , the next few days is about her. That's not the problem .

I'm just struggling to see how I can get through the wedding day.
I can barely shower and walk my dog.

I was so excited about my friends wedding.
What he has done has ruined this for me

Please help me I need some advice something to hold onto and something to keep me strong, I am in such a state and I am broken 💔

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/02/2025 01:49

JandLandG · 27/02/2025 01:46

What's a Maid of Honour, btw?

Am I getting old?

Is this an American thing?

Chief bridesmaid, responsible for organising the hen event and helping the bride to get dressed.

BigSilly · 27/02/2025 02:25

If this is very unexpected, Can you get someone to check on him? I don't want to worry you, and I am sure it isn't the case here but I know someone who did this before they took their own life.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/02/2025 02:31

BigSilly · 27/02/2025 02:25

If this is very unexpected, Can you get someone to check on him? I don't want to worry you, and I am sure it isn't the case here but I know someone who did this before they took their own life.

  1. Not her responsibility to prevent suicide of someone who has pushed her away so unequivocally.
  2. Contacting someone after they've made it clear that they don't want to be contacted can constitute harassment under English law.
Fraaances · 27/02/2025 02:49

Hi @Petalroseblue - I’m so sorry you were treated in such a disrespectful, cowardly manner. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that kind of thing. Meanwhile, I want to give you a bit of advice…. If you do take some diazepam (or similar), please test it before the day and see how you go. Also don’t mix with alcohol at all. That can make for nightmare situations.

RedPlumJammy · 27/02/2025 03:25

Of course she should tell the bride!

Beckywiththegoodnails · 27/02/2025 03:52

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 19:18

Thank you. I am so shocked at his behaviour , he has always said how he hates people that ghost! What a fake and a phony

Show quote history

How did it come up in conversation he hates people who ghost (more than once by your comment of “he always said”).
makes me think he was always planning this as he had a secret life and was trying to put you off the scent
ive been with my partner 7 years and don’t think we’ve ever discussed ghosting

Addictedtowotsits · 27/02/2025 04:01

Petalroseblue · 26/02/2025 19:00

No but he has blocked me on everything. What's app. Facebook. Instagram etc after going quiet on me a few days before

Show quote history

That is nasty! Yeah of course you're heartbroken, and you've not even had closure or anything!

Look, we've all gone through heartbreak so yeah, right now it's physically painful - but time WILL heal. Try to think of the wedding as a distraction - although I agree with others saying that having someone there who knows your situation would help.

If, for any reason he comes sniffing around you again - take note of this experience to keep the HELL away from him. His behavior is disgusting

Addictedtowotsits · 27/02/2025 04:07

@Arcticrival Don't cringe - you were behaving like a normal adult.

The reply he gave you was that of a seriously immature jerk

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 04:41

Hi all, I'm awake as I cannot sleep at all. I just wanted to say your posts have been helping me so much.
Late last night my friend ( the one coming to the evening do) had a quick look at him on social media to mainly double check to see if he is posting and alive as I am blocked and can't see.
I said to her you can check once and then that is it for me I will not be going down the route of obsessively checking his social media I am trying to process, hold it together and focus on my friends wedding.
So here's the strange bit.... she phoned me up and said this is really odd , you are still his fb profile photo ( it was a picture of us together) and it is still public.
I said well maybe he just hasn't got around to chaging it ! But yeh that really hurt & I've told her I don't want to know anything about him or his online presence at all from now on amd she agreed.
I just found this very strange for someone to ghost but leave me and him as his fb social media photo!! The profile picture of us has also made me start to feel my anger 😠... how dare he have my photo on his fb account!!!

OP posts:
Hearmenow23 · 27/02/2025 04:51

That's it! Find your anger! Whatever's going on with him will all come out eventually and you'll be past caring.

Original poster
Petalroseblue · 27/02/2025 04:59

Hearmenow23 · 27/02/2025 04:51

That's it! Find your anger! Whatever's going on with him will all come out eventually and you'll be past caring.

I am definitely starting to feel angry. I do not want my face / photos associated with such a cowardly man.

OP posts:
Addictedtowotsits · 27/02/2025 05:08

That's actually weird!

Biscuitsnotcookies · 27/02/2025 05:53

It’s pretty disgusting to say the least, and disrespectful. Do not allow this douche of a man to ruin your close friends wedding. He just isn’t worth it.

Whilst I can understand you are blindsided and hurt, it really is best that you found out how what he is like - and not neck deep in children, mortgages and a marriage.

It is very likely he isn’t the great person you thought he was. No one decent would ever do this.

Bikergran · 27/02/2025 05:57

You need to tell your friend. There should not be an empty space at the top table, the seating plan needs to be rearranged, maybe she can invite someone else in his place, as she's paid for it!!!

Just a thought, was it the wedding thing that's freaked him out, thinking you're expecting him to propose or something? Might be a commitment phobe.

Go and have a good cry, then get rid of everything in your house that is his or reminds you of him, then take a deep breath, grit your teeth and do your very best for your friend.

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 06:09
  • Find your anger - the seeds have been sown, I see. Anyone who does something this brutal is honestly not worth mourning. Only the lowest of the low, someone with serious emotional issues would do this
  • Get in your car, drive somewhere private and absolutely let loose emotionally. Scream whatever you'd like to scream at him as if he were there, cry, swear, get out of the car and stamp your feet, flail your arms, do whatever feels like maximum emotional release. Do not hold back, really go to town and let it all out. Afterwards you will feel feel emptied out, faintly silly and amused at yourself, far lighter and ready to move on
  • Make a girl-power playlist, all the songs that make you feel strong and sexy or just good and upbeat and put it on repeat
  • Allow yourself to be distracted by the wedding. Sometimes having a lot to do and focus on is a really good thing
  • Be super-super nice to yourself. If ever there was a time to splurge on a massage treatment or a new dress or extravagant flowers or something you've been longing for but can't quite justify buying, now is that time. It's your freedom gift. You've dodged a bullet.
CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 06:11

Also, do not tell your friend!!! She does not need to be worrying about anyone else right now!

Tell A friend, preferably your most foul-mouthed one, possibly over a couple of glasses of wine ASAP (not the night before the wedding) so you can have a good old vent and she can verbally run him into the ground and offer to key his car, but let your bridal friend enjoy her day and honeymoon.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/02/2025 06:16

He’s not a nice person to have done this. I’m sorry you’re going through this but he’s not good enough for you. Clearly. Now you have room for a good man. What a shock! You’ll be ok eventually. How dare he do this.

theoriginalpinkpowerranger · 27/02/2025 06:17

He will be back with a lame excuse I guarantee!

LovelyLeitrim · 27/02/2025 06:56

CheekyHobson · 27/02/2025 06:09

  • Find your anger - the seeds have been sown, I see. Anyone who does something this brutal is honestly not worth mourning. Only the lowest of the low, someone with serious emotional issues would do this
  • Get in your car, drive somewhere private and absolutely let loose emotionally. Scream whatever you'd like to scream at him as if he were there, cry, swear, get out of the car and stamp your feet, flail your arms, do whatever feels like maximum emotional release. Do not hold back, really go to town and let it all out. Afterwards you will feel feel emptied out, faintly silly and amused at yourself, far lighter and ready to move on
  • Make a girl-power playlist, all the songs that make you feel strong and sexy or just good and upbeat and put it on repeat
  • Allow yourself to be distracted by the wedding. Sometimes having a lot to do and focus on is a really good thing
  • Be super-super nice to yourself. If ever there was a time to splurge on a massage treatment or a new dress or extravagant flowers or something you've been longing for but can't quite justify buying, now is that time. It's your freedom gift. You've dodged a bullet.

All these and I’d add write him a letter, tell him everything you feel about him and the situation.

then tear it up

don’t send it.

Sorry this has happened to you. You’ll come through the wedding and on the other side you’ll have made progress and things will be a little better.

BeardofHagrid · 27/02/2025 07:21

I’m really sorry for you. I am currently being ghosted too (he hasn’t blocked me yet but is ignoring me). Maybe you can say to yourself that you will put it out of your mind from 8am that day until the end of the wedding. Be honest with your friends about why he isn’t there. Take it an hour, or even five minutes, at a time. Sending hugs.

namechangeGOT · 27/02/2025 07:27

theoriginalpinkpowerranger · 27/02/2025 06:17

He will be back with a lame excuse I guarantee!

He absolutely will! God, they're so predictable! I used to be able to pretty much pinpoint exactly when he'd contact me again and what it would say!

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 27/02/2025 07:31

Bikergran · 27/02/2025 05:57

You need to tell your friend. There should not be an empty space at the top table, the seating plan needs to be rearranged, maybe she can invite someone else in his place, as she's paid for it!!!

Just a thought, was it the wedding thing that's freaked him out, thinking you're expecting him to propose or something? Might be a commitment phobe.

Go and have a good cry, then get rid of everything in your house that is his or reminds you of him, then take a deep breath, grit your teeth and do your very best for your friend.

@Bikergran OP has told her friend the bride that he can’t come (saying he’s ill) so no need to worry about seating plans and empty spaces.

Apollo365 · 27/02/2025 07:47

OP I am a bit concerned that he’s not ok…
esp since your update about Facebook. It was a two year relationship, not a couple of dates. I’d be contacting his family, going to his house and calling the police. This is weird

EdithBond · 27/02/2025 07:49

You’ve been in shock. Hardly surprising. What an awful way for him to behave.

Plenty of time to think about him later. For now, it’s your friend’s wedding and she loves you and will always be there for you. Same for your kids. Might help mentally to physically compartmentalise: write his name on a piece of paper, put it in a tin and put the tin on a high shelf out of the way.

Try a bit of reverse psychology and don’t think about how sad it is he isn’t there and there’s an empty chair. Don’t look at other couples dancing and smooching together and feel a loss. Think how blooming lucky you are to have escaped such a weird and disrespectful man. Hold your head high. You’re a decent person. You’re loved. You’ll be among friends. You’re a queen. Spotlight on you. First day of the rest of your wonderful life. Fuck him. His loss.

MySunshineDoggy · 27/02/2025 07:51

I'm so sorry OP. Betrayal trauma is the worst. When people we trust and rely on do something that they shouldn't they world becomes a much scarier place as we feel we can't trust our own instincts to keep us safe and guided. I've had a few myself (not the same as yours but where something shocking and awful happened) and my world was rocked for quite a few years.

What you are feeling is completely normal and you need to take it hour by hour at the moment. I remember feeling shocked, numb, disorientated, frozen and feeling like I couldn't walk home when I was just a few streets away.

Even now if I hear a certain song from that period it has a horrible effect on me.

It will change you and unfortunately it will make it more difficult to trust in the future.

The only thing I can say to console you (and I know it dosen't feel like it just now) is this is not a man you could have ever trusted so you may as well find it out now before you waste any more of your life on the non gentleman. He sounds like he said all the right things ie he hates ghosters etc, but when it suited him his actions showed you who he really was.

I know it's a corny cliche and all that but it's true - ignore what people say and look at what they do.

Unfortunately he has managed to play the part of a good person for 18 months so the shock is huge to find out that actually he is of poor character.

I did actually work with someone a while back who was ghosted after 9years. I jest not. When she first told me the story I thought she was joking or at least exaggerating but no she was not. This was a woman in her forties and I think he was the same or a wee bit older. I don't know how she survived it but she did and lived to tell the tale. You will too.

Another thing that might console you slightly is that when men break up with you that often don't tell you the real reason anyway. So I know you must have a million questions of why but from experience I have had men 'kindly' break up with me but you just know the reasons they give you are completely crap. One told me not to worry I wouldn't see him on a dating site as he had to concentrate on his work and the next day there he was on a dating site. I mean why say it. Obviously he was just saying whatever kept me calm and got him out of there having broken up with me and still being 'the nice guy'. I mean he was entitled to go on a dating site if we were finished but by saying he wouldn't be on it I got a bigger shock to see him there if that makes sense.

Anyway you are obviously a decent, good human being who is understandly shocked by this behaviour. He is obviously not a good human being although he has taken a while to reveal this. Hold your head up high and continue being a good human being. A man that would do this is no loss.

Big hugs xxxx