Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

Your own description of him here is of a completely nuts quite awful guy. You are aware if he comes back the crazy will come back along with the bits you liked?

What could possibly have hooked you so much that you would be willing to risk that level of crazy back into your life?

Have you done a list of pros and cons?

I have. Everything and everyone is telling me not to go back to him and move on from him . But I still love him. I’ve tried everything to make myself hate him but I can’t.

His message last week telling me he wanted to talk things through, gave me some kind of hope. If he was seeing someone else or didn’t want me, surely he would have just left me alone and got on with his life/other person.

I am just hooked because I feel deeply for him. And I really wanted us to work, I feel like we ended too soon. I didn’t get the closure I needed. I’m hoping he does contact me this week to talk things through. But I’m not going to reach out first. It might help with closure.

I just wanted to give him the benefit of doubt and assume it is autism/mental health and that he is really struggling.

Even if the nuts behaviour was really down to autism and or mental health, will having a reason for it reduce the impact of this behaviour on you?
Will you suddenly stop having needs that are not unreasonable to expect a partner to meet?

At the end of the day you have children and this relationship isn’t going to work. So do yourself a favour and cut it and move on and put your children first. They don’t need to be dragged into this back and forth/on and off mess.

Autism or narcissism it doesn’t matter. It’s not good for you or your children.

It's not been very long, op. The pain and bond you feel to him will dissipate if you just give it time and distance and make the choice to stop ruminating on it so much.

Block him like you've been advised before. Cut off all methods of contact.

Stop hanging on to hopes when this guy is so bad for you that getting back with him is a terrible idea; make a conscious effort to move on and break your mental spiralling.

Come on OP, your kids are worth more than this even if you think you aren't.

Relationships are supposed to be pleasurable and fun and this sounds as though it couldn't be further from it.

He sounds as though he has some quite severe mental health problems and the last thing he needs right now, is a relationship with anyone.

Leave him alone, your feelings for him will dwindle over time and one day you'll look back with a sigh of relief, due to the misery he could've brought your children if you'd have let him.

You have children and you’re pining over a bloke who speaks to you and treats you like absolute shit?

Cut this man out of your life and put your focus into your kids.

This is nuts you have children yet are obsessing over a bloke who treats you like an object, contacting you as and when it suits him and his needs.

Also if you've slept with him please get an STI test.

Thanks all. I will keep reading these replies when I have these type of thoughts in my mind . my mental health is clearly in a worse state than I originally thought it was and I’m not coping. As a mum, I’m my job, in my relationships, with my physical health too. I’m not coping with anything. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t speak to one person in real life.

I’m just holding onto any little scrap of happiness and affection to make myself feel something. I feel like I’m ugly and unlovable. And worthless. I feel numb. it’s not been long, and I’m expecting myself to heal too quickly I think. Because I’ve never had issues before with breakups .

I need to get my mental health better because I’m really not in a good . I’m going away with my daughter tonight to a little air BnB with a hot tub and we are going to have a girly night with facemasks and sweet treats. I’m just hoping I can relax.

I’ve booked some time off work but I can only do March due to my job being very busy at certain times of the month and a huge workload . I’m going to take a week to myself and do things that make me happy , spend time in nature , in the outdoors and try to find myself again.

i never understood how women could fall for this kind of stuff before until I became a victim of it myself. It creeps up on you and before you even realise it , it’s too late

Lordy, you should be researching ways to celebrate rather than healing.

I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

Why would that be true? There's no reason why you won't find another man, hopefully the polar opposite of him.

Please look at the freedom program and the book "Why Does He Do That?" in your time off.

It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself and stay far away from even thinking about being in a relationship.

Read some self help books, listen to podcasts etc about learning to love yourself and creating your own happy life.

Once you’re happy alone and with your life as it is then you can think about looking for a partner.

It doesn't matter what the cause of his awful behaviour is. What mattersis whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who behaves like he does. I wouldn't. Giving him the benefit of the doubt won't make the problem go away. Far better to be single than be in a relationship with the wrong person.

I’m just holding onto any little scrap of happiness and affection to make myself feel something. I feel like I’m ugly and unlovable. And worthless. I feel numb

The more shitty and desperate he can make you feel the easier it is for him to hoover you back in with love bombing. He will have been doing the same tired routine in all his relationships. There’s a book called Fuel by HG Tudor if you want to get a good understanding about what motivates his behavior. Believe me it will turn you off him completely.

Are you in love with him because of him, or because you believe you can’t do any better?

I am asking this question to help you sort through your thoughts more clearly.

If other break ups were easier for you, what has made this one worse?
Were you struggling as much as you are now before you met him?

You fell in love with the honeymoon period, then his real self came through.
If you go back you may get a bit of the honeymoon period back, but it will be shorter lived until the craziness reappears.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and let this man go. It doesn't matter what his mental health problems are, he is not good for you.

I’ve just read your previous thread and this man is an absolute head fuck but you seem very insecure and paranoid about him.

You say he’s very attractive and I do wonder if that’s a reason why you’re ignoring so many red flags and poor treatment because you are so physically attracted to him?

Regardless of his looks, the relationship sounds absolutely toxic. I do think you need to work on yourself and stay away from men until you’re in a better headspace.

no I was perfectly fine before I met him. I was a little lonely , men didn’t generally approach me, and I wasn’t interested in the ones who did but I was getting on with my life, I was thriving, I’d just had a promotion, I was doing really well at work, I was in great shape, looked and felt good. And the first few months of meeting him, I felt great, and I didn’t care what he was upto , I was doing my own thing. He started to get really invested in me though and we got more serious. And everything seemed to change when I went away for a few weeks abroad and I got a little clingy and worried because of the time difference we couldn’t talk properly .

He is extremely handsome, and his personality was similar to me in terms of our interests and things we had in common. I thought it was anyway. I do love him because of him. And if he had nothing, id still love him. Spending time with him made me feel happy and relaxed. He wanted to show me all these places that made him happy. He loved seeing me doing my own things too. It made him happy. And he loved the fact I am a mum, he loved hearing me talking to the kids and it said it made him happy to hear it. He would tell me he wanted to marry me and have kids one day etc. and that’s also what I really wanted. He said he wanted us to get a place together and live happily and stress free. He’d always maintained the fact that he didn’t want anyone else too.

(but a few months ago he told me marriage is just something women use to take half your money) which was a huge shift from the way he was talking just a few months before, saying he wanted me to have his last name and know that he was committed to me and me only.

I did really want it to work I think that’s why it’s hurting:because it was serious stuff, not just a casual relationship. It went straight to serious mature stuff , because he’s older I thought he was more serious about settling down quickly. And I want to settle down too. He knows everything about me, he knows exactly who I am, how my mind works, how kind I am, he knows everything. There isn’t a part of my life he doesn’t know about.

I did really want it to work I think that’s why it’s hurting:because it was serious stuff, not just a casual relationship. It went straight to serious mature stuff , because he’s older I thought he was more serious about settling down quickly.

This was lovebombing and future-faking. It was too much too soon which is a classic move of the emotional abuser and mindfucker.

Sweeps you off your feet and then turns out there's no soft landing.

It wasn't real.

You see him as a sort of “one that got away” it seems

He was absolutely future faking.
Read up on it. It's a classic move.

None of it was real.

Having recently come out of a relationship with someone who had strong narcissistic tendencies I can tell you that the benefit of having no contact with him for weeks now has taught me that the right person for you, will not have you feeling the way you do right now. Love is not about confusion and control and right now he has all the control (will he, won't he contact?) this is all about him and his wants/needs... where are you in all this?

Take a step back and remember who you are and you were before he walked into your life. Men like this are incredibly skilled at selling you a pipe dream (future faking).

Mine did the same; would tell me how amazing I was as a Mum, talk about our future lives together, holidays we would have, how our children would grow up together (he had kids from a previous relationship)

The truth is, it's all a game to get you into their clutches, and once they do, they start to slowly discard you, pick faults, question what THEY want... and it leaves you thinking you're going mad and just wanting the version of him back that you saw in the beginning.

The man you are seeing now is who he truly is, and he is putting himself before you, so do the same and put yourself first and walk away... or you'll be back in this neverending cycle, your mental health and self esteem destroyed, your parenting skills compromised, your career suffering, your friendships suffer because you can only think about him and your brain space only had capacity for thinking about him... and you'll become a shell of yourself.

He's closed the door, but he will want to come back. Please see this as a gift, lock the door and don't look back.

You know what he used to say to me all the time when we first started dating . “People are like flowers, water them with support , love , kindness and encouragement and they will bloom”

saw the exact same quote on his exes profile 🤣

@Iamalwaysworried 😂😂😂

My ex would often regurgitate sayings and phrases from other people as his own... A narcissist has no real sense of self and will often mirror or copy other people.

Hi @Iamalwaysworried I read and commented on your previous thread.
Sorry you are struggling so much but you need some time. It is normal to feel as you do after a complicated break up.
To be brutal, you need to continue having no contact with him. It’s like coming off a drug in many ways, but the more you return for a fix, the harder it will be for you.
As you worked out in your previous thread, he probably targeted you. He is mean, he is controlling, he lacks empathy and he is a liar.
You don’t have a relationship with him at all in many ways, most of it seemed to be messaging, which he controlled because of his moods.
If he comes back it will be because he wants his ego stroking and a bit of attention. That’s it.
He has no love for you and I say this having read your previous thread in full. He doesn’t care that he’s hurt you, left you high and dry.
If you were my daughter this is what I would say - you are very vulnerable right now. To be around this man or even a decent man.
You are so young at 33 and have so much ahead of you. But give yourself a fighting chance.
If you fall back into this man you are gifting yourself more heartache, leading to mental and physical health issues, and making yourself really poorly.
He can never give you any of the things you deserve - love, care, courtesy, respect, kindness.
Do without whatever you thought he could offer you at the start, and even though it feels awful, live with it. It will get better in time. Promise - I only say this having been through similar.

Thank you everyone .

I just wake up each day and I just feel empty and sad again. Hopefully it will get better with time.

I find it so difficult to understand how someone can play with someone else’s feelings like that. It boggles my mind. Especially someone who is kind and has already been hurt before in the past and just wanted someone who was different. He promised me he was never going to hurt me , promised me.

All I want out of my life is to be happy and to make someone else happy too.