Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

He just repeats himself. You have told him how poorly you are and he says relax? He will deal with you another time.
I can understand you wanted closure but I think you were looking for a sign he still loves you. And you didn’t question on his lie around being offshore.
Trust the kind man who told you the truth about that.
You have people who love you who are worried. You have made yourself ill over someone who doesn’t love you and isn’t worried about you.
He does not love you. I doubt he cares about anyone but himself.
You have a chance here to recover. Your GP has helped, your lovely friend has helped it’s clear you have a good job and a family of your own. They must be so worried about you.
If you don’t take this chance now then you will become seriously ill. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s time for a home truth. Contacting this man in the future is going to cause you harm.
Your children deserve a happy, healthy mum. They look to you for love.
You deserve better than this unhinged man.
Please continue getting some help and block him because chances are when he’s bored he may try to contact you.

This with bells on.

I have realised my post @Iamalwaysworried sounds a bit harsh and want to apologise. You have been very brave posting on here.
I really, really hope that last interaction with this man has discouraged you from contacting him again.
Feeling heartbroken is awful but please know you are worth so, so much. You are never going to find answers you need from him. You get the same worn old script.
You can get better. It takes time and real determination. You need to keep looking forward.
It is odd as humans that we crave love from someone who doesn’t love us, almost ignoring the love of people who are in our lives.
We have all been there.
The only way to recover is to go complete NC. And to not think about dating anyone until you are recovered and built your own life back up.

Block and DELETE his number.

You are leaving the door open for him when he decides to use you again. For gods sake, all of the energy you are spending on this should be spent on your kids!

He does not give a shit about you or how you feel. His actions have proved this. He has lied and is likely cheating on you. He blocks you, because he knows the minute he clicks his fingers you’ll be falling over yourself to do what he wants.

I have BEEN here. It will not end well, this is not a fairytale. He. Does. Not. Care.

He doesn’t come back because he loves you, or he doesn’t want to lose you. He comes back because you LET him. You need therapy, and to find your self respect. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but this is an absolute car crash and you’re letting him treat you like this. It doesn’t matter what he said or did to get you hooked, it was fake. This is not love.

It is not something you did, it isn’t about you it’s about him. This is who he is. You sound lovely, but you are not ready to date. Please get some therapy, get your self esteem back, be happy on your own and then find a decent bloke. Don’t waste your one precious life on this twat.

It’s okay, you didn’t sound harsh at all x
I agree with you , it’s strange that we crave the love of others that don’t want us. I’ve read that in relationships with narcissists , you get a hormonal imbalance and it becomes like an addiction. Im just sad that he faked the whole thing

Truth is clear, if he really wanted me, he would absolutely not risk losing me to someone else, or encourage it. He would be making sure no other men got me.
He would care about how he made me feel , my health and he would be making effort.

I’m not going to bother with him. I am not going to waste my energy and my youth on him. He’s 7 years older than me too. If he wanted all this stuff he talks about, he’d absolutely not risk his chance to lose it as he is not getting younger and I can’t imagine many man in his mid 40s wanting to chase a toddler around …

it was all bull crap.

He doesn’t love me. he probably never did. It’s easy for men to talk about love and future and not mean it, when they are getting lots of affection and ego boosts constantly from me but also the convenience of a long distance relationship being able to do what he likes without me knowing. He was never going to close the distance between us either. It was just something to keep me hanging on with hope.

It’s sad to accept really- but there’s nothing I can do.

I need to stop romanticising it , life’s not an fairytale and he was not different.

Humans are simple, male and female, when they care they make the effort. my friends and family have absolutely done everything to be supportive to me lately even though they don’t know what’s gone on.

That is love.

And even strangers on here, have shown me more care and empathy than he ever has

@Iamalwaysworried you are doing great, put the mishap of getting in contact with him behind you and focus now on yourself.

There's a great Facebook group called The No Contact Club. Very nice people on it who are all on similar journeys of no contact...

You deserve kindness, and the occasional shake by the shoulders 😉, that you've had on this thread.

I spent 18 months with a narc, on and off, and it truly is like the worst addiction... I'd say that by the end his mask really did slip for me and I saw him for the pathetic, boring, dishonest and empty person he was... but that doesn't make it any easier and it takes time for our heart to catch up with what our head knows.

Today is a new day, and you will get stronger x

I think the one thing in life is to not romanticise too much. Asking questions - saying he loved me he would do x/y/z?
Him saying oh go and meet someone isn’t real to him. It’s just about keeping you off balance.
The thing is with these long term relationships of this nature is that most of it is in your head. You have to spend a lot of time with someone, in real time, up close, in their environment and in yours to build something.
Something built around mostly phone contact is not a relationship.
It is the dopamine hit of the message notification which so many become addicted to.
Trying to find love and affirmation from a shit person when you’ve made yourself ill, you are not sleeping, you are not eating, is a terrible recipe.
You have to go back to basics and start caring for yourself and your wellbeing. Spend time with people you like doing things you like. Recover.
A relationship should add value to your life. This one has brought zero. No intimacy. No love. No commitment. It was just a few words and visits.
You will know when you are better, and do meet someone decent, you will know.

Are you feeling any better @Iamalwaysworried ?

I’m just really full of anger at the moment tbh . It’s not an emotion I experience often. But I’m very angry.

Anger is good!! Channel that anger into indignation that someone could treat you and deceive you in the way he did!

You should be angry - he's an absolute wanker!

I’m furious about it. Imagine treating someone who only wanted to love and care for you like they are an inconvenience and annoyance to you .
Yes I’m not the prettiest woman on the planet and he could get a prettier woman than me but I would have given him everything emotionally.

but that’s not enough for men these days

Fuck him. Fucking bellend.Treating me like I’m a fucking afterthought or something he found at the bottom of a pond when I know I’m worth so much more than that treatment.
I deserve the love I give out to everyone else.

Here’s a few suggestions:

1. stop being so hard on yourself about your appearance. It’s not helping you. Even if he met a supermodel and cajoled her into a date, he can’t function in a relationship. It doesn’t matter that he can get a ‘prettier woman’ than you. He doesn’t have what it takes to sustain any type of relationship. So from tomorrow, if you can, don’t talk about yourself like this.
2. don’t lump all men together into his dickhead category. A decent man would love your caring nature.
3. don’t waste your energy trying to work out why he’s passed up a caring person. He’s unhinged.
4. stop thinking you have to give a man everything emotionally. When you have recovered, and if you meet someone you’d like to give it a go with, you don’t have to give so much. You can still be your loving and caring self.
5. invest all of that kindness into you, your DC and loved ones. But start with you, you’ve really neglected yourself and you are right. You deserve better. Your anger has bubbled up and that is good as keeping it all in is bad for you. You have SO much going for you. Take some time now to get well. And yes how fucking dare he? The only person who should use the term ‘relax’ is Frankie!

@PeggyMitchellsCameo can you be my therapist please 🙏🏼 🤭 you are just so spot on!

@Iamalwaysworried everything Peggy has said is spot on. This is not about you. This is all about him. Please watch this if you can www.facebook.com/reel/1788004108615873/

Can I share something. My ex husband cheated on me. He's not a narc, just an idiot who put his dick ahead of his brains.... I took a year out from dating/men, focused on motherhood and healing.

Then my narc found me. I thought I was healed, I wasn't. But I was 7 stone lighter. A size 8. I look my age... but I dress well and turn heads (sometimes!). He still betrayed me with a woman who makes little to no effort with her appearance, is 15 years older and has very little to offer in terms of personality.

But... she asks nothing of him, she sets no boundaries, she doesn't hold him to account. So he feels safe there.

But that's not who we are, we are empaths, deep thinkers and deep feelers who need more than surface level talk and want to plan for a beautiful future.

We, will be happier. I am so certain of it x

@bananascentedhair I hope you are okay now.
Therapy really helped changed my life - I had EMDR and trauma-centred therapy.
Like OP, at some point I made myself ill, wondering how a man who I thought loved me could behave so callously.
He introduced me to his two daughters too quickly, I can remember meeting them one Saturday two weeks later and they said they’d been to look at a bigger house. For when Daddy marries you, Peggy.
I was a bit vulnerable at the time, and I was walking around with this whole future planned.
He was two people. Affable and funny in front of others, and then the real him emerged.
My dad was seriously ill at the time and he resented me looking after him. He shouted at me once that he was fucking bored of fucking cancer.
Luckily, it didn’t last much longer but the damage he did was immense. I missed his girls so much, and I realised after a time that they were lovely because their mum was.
He had absolutely destroyed her life, far more than mine.
I have no idea where he is now or who he’s with but I was in a terrible state.
So sorry to hear you have been through so much. The damage these men inflict is awful, isn’t it?
I recovered but I made sure I stayed in my own for a few years to rebuild my life. Then I met my lovely other half.

Thankyou @PeggyMitchellsCameo - I have good days and bad days to be honest. (Sorry @Iamalwaysworried I don't want to take over your thread- although I hope it gives you some comfort to know you aren't alone!)

I don't want him back, don't even miss him. But feel a huge sense of betrayal and confusion at how anyone can behave so callously towards someone who had shown them kindness. I do accept this is about him and his pain, but some days it's harder to swallow.

I met my exes children far too quickly (as it happens he has no real qualms over introducing his children to women quickly!) they were sweet children and like yours, their Mum had been utterly destroyed by what their Dad had done to her. I see it all a lot more clearly now. One of the last things I ever said to him was how his sons would be watching everything he was doing, and did he really want to see his children replicating his behaviour in years to come or to destroy their partners mental health like he did to their Mum.

He said nothing and looked at me in stunned silence.

I am so so sorry you were treated so terribly, at a time when you needed support and kindness. You sound like an incredible person and so deserving of the love you have now found. Can I ask? In the years that you took out to heal, did you worry about never finding anyone else?

Nope, I took a different stance and thought bugger it. If I meet someone it’s nice, if not it’s time to create the life I want.
I made more of an effort with friends, made a few new ones through hobbies/interests and met my OH through one. I was mid 40s by then. We’ve been together 10 years.
Had I been worried/been looking too hard I’d have just found another idiot!

You are all so lovely to me. thank you.
Im still suffering, it’s certainly going to take me some time compared to a normal human.

Im starting to just feel numb like I want to turn off my emotions and never open up to anyone again. I never want to show anyone my kindness again. Or tell them about my life and my feelings. i just want to vanish.
I don’t want people to have access to me , let me be vulnerable again or have sex with me either. I always save sex for relationships I never do casual because it’s special for me and now I feel like he’s seen all of me for nothing and i feel betrayed. used .dirty.

one day we will be happier again but when someone treats you like this. You start to realise what you did to deserve it. Being too kind and vulnerable.

You did absolutely nothing to deserve this. Not one thing.
He is unhinged. He has no concept of other people’s feelings. He will have abused people before you and continue to do so.
Time and distance are a healer.
You don’t have to change who you are - you are a very kind person, we can all tell from your posts.
I can remember sitting in your shoes and thinking - I’m an idiot, I can’t go through this again, why is it always me, and the list was endless….
Then I made a decision not to change who I was, but change how I lived. I had lived my whole life trying to please others and thinking gaining their love would make me feel better about myself. So many of us women give too much.
So I decided to start giving it to me first. I stayed single for a few years as in not even a date. I started spending more time with my few friends and through a new hobby/interest made a few more. If I sensed someone was off I walked away, even as a friend.
I learned to say yes and no a lot more.
It was really hard, I had no confidence to start with at all. None. I just wanted to curl up in a ball.
Four years later, I met someone through my hobby/interest. Ten years later we are still together.
I never became a mum which was sad but I’m okay with it.
You have so much going for you - you have a good job and lovely children. You have family. If you have one good friend then that’s a plus. There is a whole world out there waiting for you to live in it. You don’t need a man to give your love to, but one day you can meet one you can share it with. I never thought it was possible, ever.
But it really, really is.
And to the man who said to me…
You know Peggy you were attractive when you were younger but now you are 40 you’re finished. And you’re a fucking weirdo. Any man who meets you now will see you as a hump and dump, that’s all you are worth…
I have no idea where he is and I don’t care.
You have no idea of your own strength. But when you decide to find it and build on it, then you will know being content is all about.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo If ever the fancy takes you- please write a book. Your experiences and the way you have shown so much tenacity and strength in the face of such cruelty are incredible and the words you share now, across this and other similar threads, really are helping me, and many others I am sure.

That’s so kind @bananascentedhair
I have actually thought about it and then had imposter syndrome and wondered if anyone would read it?!
But your kind comment made my dad.
And mostly I hope @Iamalwaysworried gets better as she really, really deserves to.
As for Offshore Oliver, what an absolute plum he is.
One riddled with fruit flies.

He emailed me. “Finally home” and then sent a message like absolutely nothing had happened.

Said “now I’m home I just want to be with you, if you can get time away from the kids you are welcome to come here or I’m down your way in the next week or two. We need to have a hug, kiss,walk and a chat and be intimate again so we can sort things out. In my head we never broke up, I always was going to speak to you after the job finished but i knew you might not want me back, I would have been sad if you went away with someone else .
I have a present for you, if we will be walking hills for years to come (hiking is one of my hobbies) it will be useful .
I have been offered 3 months of work but I turned it down because I need to see you I’m worried I’ll go on anorther job without seeing you.
I never wanted to split up with you but it was the only way you’d understand to give me some space . A few hours at home and I already feel normal again. We need to speak in person about what happened as it’s not helpful over message. You just need to realise im autistic. What I say is what I mean. I dont speak in riddles, I dont have an alterior motive. Dont try and find a meaning behind everything I say, because what I say is what I mean.” etc etc
I didn’t reply.

Wow.

What a dick. He wants you to go running over and shag him.

It's all about him, isn't it?

What it did to you is nothing and nowhere. 🙄

This is possibly the scariest thing he’s done yet, and he’s got a petty impressive track record of batshit.
Didn’t you establish he wasn’t even away on for work and was lying about that?