Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

You don’t need to understand this man. He is troubled and messed up and that’s for him to deal with. Stop worrying about him and his behaviour and focus on you and your behaviour.

You need to focus on making your life happy by yourself and working on your self esteem and self confidence. There is no point trying to enter into a relationship until you’ve done that because when you’re not seeing your own self worth you open the doors for other people who don’t see it either and in the end you’ll be taken advantage of and treated like shit.

Sadly OP narcissists and abusers can sniff out vulnerability a mile off and deliberately target women who have been in difficult previous relationships.

Telling them about previous abuse is a trigger for them to lovebomb you to reel you in.

Is there anyway at all that he could genuinely be in a mental health crisis and be struggling and just want to not talk to me until his jobs done incase I stress him out more…?

Or do you think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on and I’m too naive to see it?

he surely wouldn’t have messaged me a few days after we broke up out of the blue to tell me he was going to get in touch to talk things through. He would have just left it surely if there was someone else or he was over me :(

I really, really struggle to read situations. I keep holding on that shred of hope that he is actually telling the truth to me.

Totally agree with you @TwistedWonder
I'm a few weeks ahead of OP in my split from a narcissist.

I met him a year after I had split with my ex husband. I thought I was strong and healed but I really wasn't. This man sniffed out my vulnerabilities, let me share my past with him... only to go and do what my ex husband did but so much worse and completely diminished my self esteem in a relatively short space of time.

Toward the end of our relationship, despite my MH being in the gutter, I sought out therapy and started to see him for who he truly was... he hated it. He hated that I was holding him to account and questioning when the promises he had made to me about our lives together would actually materialise... I realise now he's an empty shell of a person.

It's incredibly difficult OP to know you won't get closure from this man. I understand that completely, but if you leave the door open for closure or any explanation he will use it as an opportunity to worm his way back in, or somehow twist it so that you are the one who is at fault - both scenarios will leave you feeling worse.

I’ve never wanted it to work so bad with someone . I’ve never been so attracted to someone physically and emotionally: I guess part of me is like “what if he was the one and I pushed him away by being too needy”

You were attracted to him emotionally because he was telling you everything you wanted to hear, it wasn’t a true reflection of who he is.

You have children involved in this situation. Do better by them and focus on yourself.

He's promised not to hurt you, and he did...

So maybe you were a bit "needy" but he had you constantly in a state of anxiety, so how else were you meant to be? You told him about your past and what had hurt you... and yet he's comfortable with cutting you off and giving HIMSELF space whilst you're here torturing yourself.

Please don't think I'm being cruel because I have been exactly where you have, and I too still wake up feeling sad. But I do know that the right person for me would never have me feeling the way I did when I was with him, the anxiety, constantly second guessing myself, feeling like he was subtly highlighting my flaws, rehearsing conversations in my head before I saw him so that I didn't come across as "too much"... that's no way to live.

Maybe he's giving himself space to explore other women, maybe he's not... you'll likely never know, but whatever he's doing is purely selfish and based on his needs, irrespective of how it feels for you.

He will not change. If you stay with him, just imagine how your life will look in 2/5/10 years, how much worse your anxiety will be. You'll be terrified to so much as share with him you've had a tricky day at work for fear that it'll send him running for the hills.

My ex's ex wife ended up self harming after they split (he had cheated on her and I believe there was emotional abuse). I recall him telling me about taking her to the hospital and he showed zero emotion about this. At the time I wondered what kind of state she must have been in to have self harmed. However, I can now see how living with a man like this, for years, and enduring the emotional rollercoaster, deceit and cruelty can do this to a human being. By all accounts, since their split, she is a great Mum, her career has flourished and she's seemingly happy and single.

I just don’t get how he could do it. Why lie about all those things, he would have gained nothing by doing it. Surely if he wanted his ego stroked or sex talk he could have just gone on dating apps like he used to be on .

I will never understand how a man’s mind works. I really , really thought I had finally met the one I wanted to settle with and have something good and really thought he felt the same. If I had just been less clingy and needy. He might have not changed the way he was with me.

Sorry if I sound harsh but unless you move on from this way of thinking you’re basically lying down like a doormat and begging him to keep wiping his feet on you

You won’t ever understand because you don’t think in that way and you’ll drive yourself mad with continuous ifs buts and maybes

He is waving giant ref flags in your face showing you who he is and you’re refusing yo see them through your rose tinted specs

Stop wasting time and energy on this man and put your focus into your kids

I have also rehearsed conversations. Out loud too.
I thought I was going mad ,
I have even written notes about what I want to say to him. so they won’t offend him.

Honestly, I have felt like self harming, but taking it a step further too. I haven’t been good generally anyway throughout my life and when he told me we were over I just felt like I’d wasted so much energy and time. But I have my kids to think about.

you know, that is strange. This man also said when he ended things with his ex girlfriend (the one before the baby - his first serious relationship -if you had read my last thread on here) that she also self harmed and tried to kill herself and he had to call ambulance

Is there anyway at all that he could genuinely be in a mental health crisis and be struggling and just want to not talk to me until his jobs done incase I stress him out more…?
Or do you think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on and I’m too naive to see it?
It's very unlikely. Sorry. Also, I agree with others that he sounds narcissistic, and if that's the case, he genuinely believes everything he says to you IN THAT MOMENT, so you can't challenge him and he'll never get it.

The best advice i can give you is the advice a friend gave me many years ago - breaking up with someone you love but who is bad for you is like stopping smoking. You don't stop smoking because you don't enjoy smoking. you stop smoking becuase you know it's bad for you or it's holding you back or it's impacting your life negatively. And so, while you're in that phase of breaking that addiction, you desperately desperately miss smoking. You want that hit of a long drag becuase you know that in the moment that will feel better. But you have to keep reminding yourself of WHY you are stopping in the first place.

Breakups like this are the same. You are addicted to the positive bits. But the negative bits far outweigh the positive bits and you need to focus on that.

No it’s good to have someone else’s perspective. Because I know that I’d give him the benefit of doubt and assume it’s just his mental health and this is normal for “autistic” people. I don’t know if he’s autistic or not . Maybe he is and he’s just very immature.

I think he’s misdiagnosed!

I think if I could I’d defo rewind time to a certain point in our relationship. And change how I was. Maybe things would look different. I wouldn’t have gone away on the long trip abroad with my kids (I was going to cancel but I couldn’t get a refund) and maybe it would have worked out. But I guess it is what it is . And I have to just deal with it.

I am doing my best to be happy, fun mum like I always am. But when they go to bed I just cry and sit in silence or I carry on with my work until midnight or until I feel tired . I was up working until 4am the other night . I cannot have noise around me, I can’t watch the tv or focus on anything else like hobbies. I’ve been ignoring my friends and families messages. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t want to put a fake act of happiness on because it’s not real.

He is childish, immature and selfish, these three adjectives for sure. Don't reply to him and move on.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say?

No. This man is cruel and sadistic. You need to ensure he cannot access you.

I think if I could I’d defo rewind time to a certain point in our relationship. And change how I was. Maybe things would look different. I wouldn’t have gone away on the long trip abroad with my kids (I was going to cancel but I couldn’t get a refund) and maybe it would have worked out. But I guess it is what it is . And I have to just deal with it.

You need to see a therapist I think. Becuase you are STILL taking responsibility for this relationship breaking down. You won't believe me, but I can 100% assure you that if you had not taken this trip, there would have been some other thing that you would have been blamed for. this is what they do.

Here is a list of things that would have been your fault/the reason he treated you badly. Just off the top of my head. it could be 1000x longer:

You didn't prioritise him over work/kids/social life.
You maintained a friendship with a male friend which was "disrespectful"
You maintained a friendship with a female friend who was "a bad influence"
You didn't change your diet to suit his preferences.
You didn't always greet him enthusiastically enough when you saw him, even though you were sick/on a work call/worried about your mother/changing a nappy.
You talked too enthusiasticalyl to the person in a shop, because apparently he has social anxiety and finds it stressful when you do that.
You held his hand in public - he hates PDA.
You didn't hold his hand in public - obviously you don't care about him.
You didn't always answer his calls on tuesday morning so he obviously thought you didn't care about him (the fact that you were in a meeting, or had your phone on silent is irrelevant. You should have not let that happen).
You snapped at him when he was simply seeking reassurance ad wanted you to tell him, again, that no, you don't fancy that man or that yes, he's themost important thing in your life.
You sided with your children when he told them off.
You didn't get a babysitter when your child was sick, even though he really wanted to see that movie.
You spent money on a new coat when he hadn't had a new coat in years.
When you wear make up, he doesn't like it but you haven't stopped wearing it.
You challenged him when he was dismissive and rude to a waitress.
You asked him not to grope you while you're cooking dinner.

I could keep going. But I have to go to work myself.

It’s almost like I’m shutting myself off to the world now and I don’t even want to let anyone in. I’ve lost hope in men, love, relationships. I don’t think that is on the cards for me.

It took a lot of consideration for me to be with this man , it wasn’t a quick decision to be his girlfriend. It took a few months of him pursuing me , every single day, going on dates with him before I felt happy enough to say yes to being official with him. As I was considering my children . And I knew he was considering this too.
such a waste of time.

Sorry OP but you wish you hadn’t gone on a trip with your kids in order to have appeased this man? Wow - your priorities are really off here and I seriously think you need to stay away from dating and seek therapy as to why you’re allowing yourself to be treated so badly and want to go back begging to keep being kicked when you’re down

The red flags here are so obvious it’s worrying you’re refusing to see them

I just keep seeing happy couples in public. With their wee babies and smiling and holding hands and I just envy them.

I’d love that for myself and my kids

He sounds awful, can't you see that?
You're clutching at straws.
Whatever the explanation might be he will treat you like this again and again if you continue in a relationship with him.

You should be breathing a sigh of relief and blocking him everywhere.

I do. I’m trying to see them: but I also feel like I’m doubting everything .

My thoughts are all muddled and I don’t know what to think. I wanted to believe him and have faith that it would be ok, but every single person has told me that he’s no good.

I’ve never been loved properly. So I don’t even know what is normal I guess. Maybe therapy is the only way forward for me.

To be fair, I know from watching this that these men get their hooks into these women and could make them question whether the sky is really blue.

Classic example: narcissistic man is long gone, hasn't seen or spoken to children in months. Christmas roll round. Women tells me that she is thinking of getting the children to try call their dad on Christmas. I am gobsmacked - why? The children are finally settling down, and she knows there's at least a 50% chance he won't take their call (he routinely blocks her AND the DC). The reason? "I don't want him to think I'm trying to keep the children away from him because that's what he'll accuse me of."

I think any man who can sit and know that his (ex) girlfriend (at the time) is hurting and upset is evil. but at the same time I don’t know if he’s aware that he’s hurt me , if he is autistic , he reacts and thinks differently about things.

I need to sit down and find a decent therapist , I need help

I think that's a really good idea.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter why he behaved like that, whether it's because he's autistic or not (autistic does not equal being an arse), you need to think about what you deserve and what works for you.

If someone said - yes he's autistic, it's not his "fault" it's just how he is.... would you honestly want to be in a relationship with him where he's going to do this to you again and again? It still would cause you hurt and upset and not meet your own emotional needs.

Also as an aside the whole "off shore" thing is a bit of a red flag to be aware of, are you sure he is single and who he says he is (not that it matters as you really deserve more anyway!)

The annoying part for me is I know he won’t suffer in his life. He will never be alone. He gets womens attention constantly. He’s handsome, has a great body, looks after himself , he will end up with someone and be happy. He will have children one day and get married and be happy no doubt, it will be easy for him to get another woman.

It will be me who’s left alone until I’m old with no one. Men don’t like me. And when they do , I don’t like them. Nothing flows, conversation doesn’t flow, I don’t feel anything for them.

That’s why this guy was different as everything just felt natural to me, finally someone on my level. But whatever the reason , he used me and I just need to accept it.

No, if what you say about him is true, as he gets older, it will get harder and harder. Right now he can attract anyone, but he'll continue to discard women and people and eventually, it won't be so easy to attract them in the first place.

f someone said - yes he's autistic, it's not his "fault" it's just how he is.... would you honestly want to be in a relationship with him where he's going to do this to you again and again?

Also, this. DD was regularly being hurt physically by another child. The parents would shout for a second, then get down and talk to the child, who would tell them he didn't mean it, or that he just wantd her attention. And DD was expected to suck it up. And eventually DH and I realised if we kept letting this happen, we were setting her up for exactly the sort of situation you are in now where if a man hurts her but says he didn't do it on purpose/he couldn't help it/ it was becuase he had some other problem, she would accept it. So the next time it happened, we accepted the parents' apology, assured them we knew he didn't do it on purpose.... and left anyway. Much to their shock. I told the mother that while her son may not hav ebeen doing it on purpose, I had to make sure that DD learnt that just because someone doesn't have bad intentions, doesn't mean she should put up with poor behaviour.