Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

How are you doing @Iamalwaysworried ?

well done for blocking him, I know it wasn't easy for you <3

do you have any trips or fun plans to look forward to with your kids?

Not doing so good . But I’ll be okay. The kids dad is now piping up, about me moving house. About moving the kids- says I haven’t consulted him in the whole process. He doesn’t want their lives disrupted by me moving to a different town .
So I am having to deal with him. He thinks I’m taking them away from him which is not the case at all. I’m just moving them to somewhere ill be closer to my family for help. I think I’m going to have to cancel the move and let the landlord of the new property down. It will just keep everyone happy and I’ll do what is best for the kids.

Everything’s a bit of a mess at the moment really now.

Going to take a break from the internet and my phone and see if I can work things out.

I have no trips planned. I cannot afford it :(
my dad is taking me on a trip in July. But it’s to where my ex lives.
The exact town actually (by coincidence booked before I knew him)
so it will bring up some memories for me I’m sure. But just going to go as it’s a place my dad loves.

I hate that I have always been a people pleaser. Not once have I ever done anything for myself.

And I can’t seem to get out of being that way. honestly I have no idea what the future holds for me but I really hope it’s fucking kinder than this current moment. Because I cannot live like this for much longer.

Oh OP: just hold your nose and jump! Don’t give up the move! It didn’t stop being the right thing to do because your soon to be ex made a fuss! Who died and made him god? Who cares if he doesn’t like it? He’s a big boy and can learn to suck his own thumb if he’s unhappy.

Take a deep breath and honour your commitment to yourself and your life.

If you think the move will be good for you and the children, you shouldn't give up the idea because the dad thinks differently. What are the pros and cons?

More support for you from family could be really good for all of you.

Don't make any hasty decisions either to go or stay. Obviously the dad's input should be considered and his contact facilitated, but it's about the big picture.

And there's nothing wrong in saying to your dad that it might be a struggle for you and maybe a different destination would be better for you.

You could always think about going next year instead if he's set on that place.

Stopping being a people-pleaser starts by saying what you need.

Thanks everyone. I had a good day today. I haven’t thought about him. I socialised with other mums, my own mum too, played with my kids, enjoyed the sunshine.
ive been watching videos on Instagram by a woman named “Claire Auden” she gives great information on narcissism and relationships. Totally recommend watching her if you are going through the same

ive had some pretty awful days lately. So having one good day has been a godsend to me. I’m hoping I see more. Though I’m not expecting that I’ll be better straight away

It was really heartening to read your update.
Just remember in all of this you are a kind, loving person and a great mum. Those are attributes to be proud of.
You have so much going for you.
And a day well spent is a win. And when you’ve won once, you can win again.
Just a stranger on the internet here, but I am cheering you on and hope your future with your children is a fantastic one.
You deserve lots of luck and happiness!

Thank you so much. You are lovely. I really appreciate your message 🩷 hopefully more good days and less bad days coming soon. more days like this hopefully. It will be up and down for a bit but today was defo a win for me after months of feeling terrible !

So many of us on here have been through dreadful times, me included.
I never, ever thought I would get out from under it all.
I am an over thinker and people pleaser so I get where you are coming from.
Think the best decision I made at around 40 was to work in myself, learning new things, staying very single and making new friends where I could.
After years of saying I’d never meet anyone I did, at 46. I think meeting him when I felt a bit better helped. We are now ten years in.
Did find that when I was vulnerable I tended to meet absolute arseholes and my self esteem was so low I would put up with it.
I don’t want to out my history but it was pretty dire.
I do remember one night, one where you are awake at 3 am, and I thought I’m not having this for the second half of my life.
Honestly OP you really are young, you have many good years to come and so much to do and achieve,
✔️✔️✔️

A not so good day today. For some reason, this whole situation has brought a response out in me that i haven’t felt for years. and it’s creeping back again.

When my son was born about a week after he was born he to go back to hospital into intensive care as he got really sick and we nearly lost him , the whole ordeal was terrifying for me , recovering from surgery, totally out of my control, I was hopeless. Waiting for someone to tell me everything was ok. All I could do was love him and hope that was enough.

For some reason, I cannot stop thinking that something bad is going to happen to my son. And that I’m going to lose him. And it terrifies me. I feel like by me losing the man I loved and thought loved me too- the way I did - discarded like I was a piece of dirt - it has brought out this feeling in me that nothing is in my control and I’m going to lose all the people I love .

This is a trauma response that I have had to deal with before though , and I can do it again. They are dark thoughts that have decided to creep back up again from somewhere I had buried them. Scary.

But - up and down days. I keep trying to push these thoughts away to the back of my mind where they belong . Still waking up in the morning feeling awful. But I will get there one day. Healing isn’t about feeling happy all the time.

I think you should call the mental health crisis team, you are in a pretty challenging place right now. My heart goes out to you

Thank you 🩷 I need help. I shouldn’t be crying each day. I’m struggling so badly. Everything is painful and everything reminds me of him. How can he not feel anything right now. It’s so upsetting

So sorry to hear you are struggling @Iamalwaysworried

I woke up the other morning and I had enough.
I was angry.
I was fed up of feeling sick, of worrying and not sleeping.
I messaged him asked him to explain what really happened because I’m getting poorly.

He replied telling me to “relax”. That he would talk properly once he’s back home. He can’t afford to have another breakdown at work. Said that we can “talk about what went wrong, what we can do to change, and what we can do to make things work in the future” that he is protecting himself from stress and that a relative died in the last few days. He doesn’t want to talk about anything right now etc etc.he doesn’t want stress.

I said I was sorry for his loss.

he said “we will try to make a plan to move forward once I finish the job”

I just said “I have found this breakup difficult “

he said - this made me angry because that isn’t the only way I wasn’t anywhere near him , he could have just ignored me -
“it was the only way to get space. It was not what I wanted . But it was the only way at the time”

I just replied with one word- “understandable “

then he said - which also made me angry-
“if you want to crack on and be with someone else, that’s fine i understand but I can’t talk things through right now until I’m safe at home off the rig”

I didn’t reply.

he then said “I hope I have put you a little more at ease”

I didn’t reply. Then a few hours later I sent him a message saying “ were you not worried that you would lose me? You just said you didn’t mind me going with someone else”

then he went mad again “I’m not going into this, this is why I don’t want to talk to you, you are overthinking, making assumptions about things I haven’t said to you”

I just said “I’ll leave you to it” and left it at that.

strangely that’s put my mind at rest because I know now that he really doesn’t give a flying fuck if he lost me or about my feelings. Any guy who didn’t want to lose a woman would reassure her not tell her to “crack on” with someone else. 💩

I thought you had blocked him on everything?

I feel like you're torturing yourself by constantly inviting him back to you. You've done that by messaging him. Have you forgotten that other guy said his team aren't due there until April? Were you ever going to question him on this?

I mean it's good that you've realised things but honestly after reading the whole thread, I truly think you need counselling in some form.

You can do self help too. There are many self help videos on youtube. Why does he do that free pdf on google. Freedom programme online. One to one counselling sessions. Go to your doctors for some short term medication to help see you through this.

If you keep going the way you are, I can see you heading for a break down.

I truly hope you block this man and change your number properly and delete your socials. What happened to you moving?

Please please please talk to someone in real life about this. Or everytime you feel like messaging, post on here.

This obsession isn't helping you at all.

Sometimes the closure we need comes from ourselves. It doesn't matter what he says to you, it's probably all lies. How do you even know he's autistic. Have you seen his assessment? I feel like he's played you like a fiddle from the beginning. I'm not autistic but I am ND and this man is screaming out liar to me.

You're hurting yourself at this point. Why would you contact him again? It's worrying that you are obviously willing to keep engaging/take him back no matter how badly he has behaved.

I thought he was lying about being on the rig at all at present?? Have you forgotten that?

I think if you’re honest with yourself, you didn’t contact him for closure, you wanted him to say ‘I still want to be with you’ but why? So you can let him lie, treat you like shit and put you down again and again.

You will never get any closure from a liar or a narcissist, closure comes from you saying ‘I’m done’ and meaning it.

Agree with PP, you’re torturing yourself and causing your own pain now. You really need to talk to someone in real life, because this isn’t a healthy way to behave. You have children and continually keeping up this obsession is not fair on them because you’re putting this man first

I spoke with my doctor this week and she’s put me on a few different medications (painkillers/antidepressant/anti sickness) in the hope it will bring my mood back up , stop the pain I’ve been experiencing (which was all scanned /xrayed and came back completely normal) I was vomiting with the pain, help with my appetite also help me sleep a little better. She recommended a great local group to meet with for mental health and she’s going to do follow ups with me each month now until I feel in a better place. I think she was very concerned as I explained what I had going on and was visibly upset and I have dramatically lost weight.
Many of the people around me have noticed there is something wrong and I’m struggling to hide how I feel from them. I manage with the kids but my friends and family see me and instantly see the weight loss. Even my manager at work is concerned and he can’t even see me as I’m a remote worker. He can hear it in my voice. I have tried to cover myself up lately with baggy clothes etc but it’s not working . I have spoken to one of my friends who has told me that I’m not alone and that we can go and do something like yoga or something fun after our kids are in bed each week. Which will be nice and she’s even offered to help with childcare if I’m ever feeling overwhelmed.

She’s the nicest person I know.

im not going to get back with this guy. I’m not working on anything with him. He’s ruined me , my perception, my goals, mood, drive. I just felt awful and I wanted to get it off my chest Because I was fed up of waking up feeling the same way each day . I don’t even care if he’s with anyone else either, let her deal with the man child.

Being alone is much better than worrying each day about what mood he’s going to be in and if he’s going to “love me” today or not. And how much effort I will need to put in just for him to be sweet to me. And the laziness , no effort into the relationship, expecting it all to work in his favour when he did nothing, couldn’t even talk to me about sex at one point too. He just was not bothered about anything. I’ve never known a man put in so little effort now I think of it.

I need someone one day, with passion, who visibly wants me and shows me he does, not someone who doesn’t feel anything.

Because he’s slowly turning me into him and I’m not like him, im full of feelings, I’m expressive, loving and yes I can be clingy but I care so much - and I’m never going to dim my feelings down to fit him. Because that’s who I am and I’ve always been this way and guys either like a loving , expressive partner or they don’t!

You have children who are waking up every day and looking at you as the person they love and trust to protect them. Stop focusing your whole life on this manchild like you’re in some teenage relationship and give your head a wobble.

You have little people who depend on you. Who need you to show them how you can live a happy and stable life and provide one for them as well.

The reason you've been wondering whether you're not understanding enough etc is because he gaslights you. The main question, the only significant one for your wellbeing- have you blocked him everywhere?

I doubt it since she initiated contact again.