Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

I don’t think any of us are helping at this point, OP.
He was never a trustworthy guy because he has told you himself he was lying.
You are going to make yourself so poorly.
You are still a young woman who has two beautiful children and a good job. I think you are moving soon? From your previous thread you are planning a lovely trip with your parents.
People are trying to check in on you - you know you anxious you feel if someone doesn’t respond to you. Don’t do the same to people who care.
You are lucky to have them.
I hope you are able to get some help with all of this and you feel better soon. Take care of your health, it’s the most precious thing you own.

I do empathise with you OP and I can resonate with a lot of how you are feeling having had my own very recent experience with a man similar to yours.

Please, stop trying to diagnose him. Whether he's autistic, narcissistic or just an arsehole... it makes no difference because he has hurt you and you don't deserve to torture yourself further.

Please look into therapy, or if you don't feel ready for that, consider joining one of the CODA (codependants anonymous) groups. They run daily online via teams and it will help to know you aren't alone in how you're feeling.

Put as much effort into healing as you are into ruminating over this man, and you will start to feel better.

I guess I just need to heal.

And not fall for anyone’s bullshit again . I thought I was smarter but I am not

Well—on the subject of smarter I can’t say. But you definitely need to have higher standards and expectations. As soon as he became cold/avoidant/insulting and unreliable you should have bounced. Don’t ever give a man a second chance to make a fool of you.

Hey everyone I have an update. I spoke to a man who is my cousins ex boyfriends brother (long story lol) he’s a lovely guy, really nice and highly regarded by my family so I thought if anyone would tell me truth- he would.

He works on the same rig , by chance I remembered that my ex had spoke to this guy and mentioned it to me. so thought I’d give it a go.

This guy said to me that my exes team aren’t due to the rig until April and they aren’t there now.
so where has my ex been… Who knows…
but it makes so much sense now …. He’s been with someone else and my notifications kept popping up and he wanted me out the way for a bit.

This guy has saved me so much trouble and heartache.

Oh Op, you have absolute proof now that this man is a consummate liar. You've been going round in rings because so much of what you've noticed has clearly been a red flag, doesn't quite add up etc. But now you have proof that he really is as much of a liar as you felt he probably was.

I hope this gives you the proof you need to put this behind you and move on. He is hi highly dangerous and manipulative- don't let him come anywhere near you or your kids ever again.

Be strong.

OP - there’s a thread running at moment and several others recently regarding men who live double lives and go between two families lying to both.

Its so much more common than we would imagine. And offshore is often their cover story

This man is a liar and a fake - he’s a romance scammer. Maybe not in regards taking money but in stealing your time and emotions.

Please go NC and take one day at a time

I do: because this man would have no reason to lie to me. he’s a decent man who’s just doing a honest job and he didn’t even realise the reason I was asking until after he had told me . I think he feels bad but I told him , honestly , I deep down knew something was going on.

The photos and videos my ex must have been sending me were obviously older ones.

very sad that my ex couldn’t have just been honest with me and just broke up with me without having to drag me along for weeks.

But oh well. I guess maybe I was too ugly for him or not who he wanted. Maybe he thought he was more suited to someone else.

I hope he is happy anyway and I will be okay one day again and be able to love again knowing what I know now.

Maybe I should stick to dating uglier guys than me in the future.

could you send me a link to the thread if that’s possible please? X

I’m not so sure though because I remember he sent me a work schedule with the date on it. And photos from his job too. I don’t think he would make that up.
I just don’t know. maybe this man is getting confused.

@Iamalwaysworried please stop trying to make excuses for this shit excuse of a man.

He hasn’t treated you correctly. Full stop. The end. No excuses.

Stop trying to find a reason for why he’s done what he did or excuses for why it might be acceptable behaviour.

You and your children deserve more.

Please, please, please work on your self esteem and learning to love yourself more. Then you won’t even entertain the thought of a man like this in your life.

Stop taking the blame for this man’s shitty choices! Whether he is off shore or on shore he treats you like dirt when it suits him and throws you some crumbs of attention to keep you trotting at his heels when he wants you back.

When you find yourself spiraling—which you are—try this. Stop and be mindful of the world around you. Ground yourself. Breathe. Accept the negative emotions. Look inside snd recognize that you are killing yourself and your future self trying to save your past self from the pain and shame of having been fooled, romanced, and discarded by this man.

In reality its over and should never have started in the first place. That version of you made a mistake don’t throw the rest of your life away trying to recoup her loss, like a gambler doubling and redoubling her bet in the hopes of breaking even.

Get real wirld help. Reading your posts is starting to reveal a cult like level of dependency and an almost childlike need to ignore reality.

Am I just being paranoid? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirtydayss_only/5263908-am-i-just-being-paranoid

Please stop obsessing over this man!!!! You were given so much good advice and support on your last thread, why are you still letting him have such power over you?!

I know :-( I just cannot help it, I just cannot understand why. I feel like there’s no justice. He’s got off with everything and got away with it all, and I’m left paying for it , picking up the pieces.

Hopefully everyday will get easier, it doesn’t help when I keep having horrible , vivid dreams about it all too and waking up totally drained. I dreamt last night he was laughing at how ugly I am.

I need to focus on the kids, and moving house which is happening very soon. I’m stressed enough with all that. I need to focus my energy into that.

the fact and matter is, if this guy really wanted me. He would make it clear that I mattered. Dumping me and then messaging me a few days later saying we will “talk things through” once he is finished his job- gives me a completely mixed , confusing message.

Have you blocked him on whatsapp/social media? Please don't allow him to try and pick things back on his terms.

He's treated you terribly, he's a habitual and repeated liar, and look at all the pain he's caused you already in such a short amount of time. I really hope you are able to find some peace from this whole ordeal soon.

I haven’t blocked him yet but I will. I highly doubt he will be back in touch anyway. But I will.

Hes absolutely fucked my mind and body up. Just when I think I’m having a good day , something reminds me of him and I’m back to square one again. I’m trying my best to focus my head on my job , I have been working non-stop until the early hours. Just so I don’t have to think about it. But it’s difficult. I’m completely bloody damaged . I don’t know how he’s managed to do this to me - somewhere along the way I lost myself!! And I have no idea where it happened. It’s like I’m under a bloody spell!

I just read a really good thing. The lady said that narc abuse is like a slot machine. You play but you don’t always win , but when you get the jackpot , you go back for more even though the chances of winning the jackpot are so slim because the jackpot feels so good . The jackpot (the narcs affection) ,it’s amazing, like nothing you’ve ever had before and it leaves you wanting more and more and even though you just waste time and energy trying to get it . You just hope that you get that jackpot again to feel that feeling again.

I guess it is like an addiction that I need to break away from.

Intermittent reinforcement, it's called.

They do it to rats, with a feeder bar they press but it doesn't drop treats every time.

OMG you haven't blocked him yet?! And you're still looking for excuses for his behaviour, even though you KNOW the man who told you he was lying has no reason to lie himself.

You are obsessing way past a healthy amount, it's bordering on stalking (you probably would be constantly contacting him if he hadn't blocked you right?) Are you constantly checking to see if he's unblocked you?!

It's worrying that you seem to have disengaged from all other aspects of your life, what about your children? I can't believe you tried to cancel your holiday abroad with them because you didn't want to leave him!!!

Please get therapy.

Yes its an addiction.

As a previous poster has recommended - Listen to (audible) or read Its Not You by Dr Ramani. So much will resonate with you.

And do try not to work such long hours, your body and mind need rest right now, I know some of what you're feeling but being an exhausted zombie will not help you and your healing.

And do block him. He will likely be in contact, probably the one day you start to feel a little better and it'll drag you all the way back to the start, it's like a game of snakes and ladders that you will never win.

It might not feel it now but him ignoring you is the biggest blessing, use this space to rebuild x

That’s the one. I was trying to remember the phrase she used.

I have just blocked him. Every way I know I can anyway. Facebook, Instagram, whatsapp, email, phone, tik tok , I can’t think of any others he has (though he deleted most of them anyway) I have ordered a new SIM card too - to change my phone number (I wanted to do this anyway as my contract was coming to an end) and I will be moving home in the middle of March.

So there’s no way he can contact me of course unless he goes to effort to create new accounts or something which I know he is too lazy to do.

And he couldn’t find out my new address either unless someone tells him.

I do sound like a stalker, but I haven’t been checking to see if he’s unblocked me. That’s one thing I haven’t been doing.

Maybe that’s why he backed off because maybe he thought I was too much . I am generally a chilled out partner, I did my own thing, he did his own thing. I was confident, fun, happy, chatty but when he started acting distant that’s when I started getting more clingy. I guess that’s a normal pattern with these type of relationships though.

Have a Google of the macabre dance known as the Avoidant attachment entangled with a nervous attachment. The interesting thing about this is that roles can be switched, over and over, from the start through to the end?

Is that the kind of relationship you want to have?
Since you do not so far seem to be deterred by the lies and severe mental ill health

Stop thinking about what could have been different or whether you were “too much” for him. Jesus Christ woman get a grip. He was a shitty partner to his ex and he was to you because he can’t handle a normal intimate relationship. Its him. Its all on him.

You are perfect for the right person for you. Stop trying to force yourself to fit his crazy jig saw puzzle. He’s all scary murder clowns and you want kittens in baskets. You just don’t fit together.

Scary murder clowns , that made me laugh 🤣
You are right there though !