Healing after a narcissistic breakup

[Iamalwaysworried]

Hi, my long distance boyfriend (40) broke up with me almost two weeks or so ago . I am 33. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has no children.

He told me he had autism but after speaking to people and posting on here, everyone suspected he actually was a narcissist. I just don’t know.

He told me he wanted space as he was having a “meltdown” due to stress and being stuck offshore , he blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t get in touch as messaging me was “stressing him out”. I gave him a week and got in touch with him via email to check if he was okay. He got really angry at me for contacting him and went on a complete fit of rage, telling me to leave him alone, I was ruining his career and life and that if I had left him alone he would have been ok etc.
then he decided to just break up with me, he told me he wasn’t capable of liking me anymore, let alone loving me. If I wanted him to kill himself just so I would leave him alone

He then emailed me 30 mins later saying I always had his attention, I should have relaxed and let the relationship be good. he told me he would speak when his job is finished if there was anything we could save.

I was devastated but I have two children so I just had to get on.

A week later he emailed me saying “I will speak when this job is finished, I don’t want anymore stress right now, could be a week or two but we will talk things through ” whatever that means?

I think I’m struggling to understand that if he truly cared and loved me , he wouldn’t want to risk losing me by blocking me everywhere. But he told me that he is autistic and doesn’t “miss” people and that he struggles to tell people he loves them . I’m just wondering if he ever actually cared for me or whether because of his autism, blocking me seems like a normal thing for him.

I’m just trying to find tips to heal, as I keep hitting brick walls .

I keep dreaming about the situation, waking up feeling really sad. I miss him so much , I miss talking to him, being with him, his voice . He used to be so loving towards me and talk about our future. We went to beautiful places together and he used to be so excited about showing me all these places. I feel like I have nothing good coming for me and that I won’t find love or a man like him again and I’m going to be alone.

He could potentially contact me this week as he said before. What do I do if he gets in touch? Do I listen to what he has to say? Do I believe him that he was in crisis and has autism?

I want to be with him again so badly. But how can I make sure that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t cheating on me /deceiving me or anything while he had blocked me. And that he won’t do it again. If you’ve seen my other post, I had found a hair bobble in his bathroom which he swears was his exes and he questioned me after he left me in the car with his phone and asked if I had looked at his phone while he was out the car as a notification had vanished (I didn’t look at it) . There was also other various red flags etc and my brain has tried to make sense of it but I’ve just been left even more confused.

Well I thought he was single. I’ve been to his home , have his spare key to his house etc. we used to talk everyday etc

But he deleted all his social media, doesn’t like photos with me, doesn’t put his name on flowers he sends me. Then does stuff like this blocking me or going quiet.

he’s sent me photos from the rig. But who knows they could be old ones: he never wanted to video call me either. Said he used to do it with his ex.
I just don’t know anymore :( I know a few offshore workers who are decent family men but I hear bad things about others. This man also works inshore too (on land but still near sea) .

I know of one guy who works offshore and knows this man. They got chatting because they both know a family member of mine and this man mentioned it to me. So I know he defo works there , but he seems to get very stressed everytime he is offshore on a job and shuts down with me. Making me wonder about whether it is a cover for something else.

You need to cut all contact with him. Don't "leave this one option, just in case" open. (Don't be me!)

You need to accept that you're going to feel horrible swinging emotions for a few weeks. So just get on with your life as well as you can during the bleak time.

In a few weeks you will feel better or at least calmer. Then you can reassess what has been going on. You're too much in the middle of it at the moment.

I say this as someone who messaged an ex (from about 3 years ago) on Thursday night. It was lovely to hear back about his move to the area of the country he wanted to go to, to exchange photos of our dinners we had cooked (like we always did).

By Sunday night he had sent me 5 willy shots (unprompted and unwanted) and it turns out he has had a girlfriend that he actually loves and cares about for 6 years. So he was seeing me for 6 months in the middle of their relationship!

He suddenly stopped mid messaging last night and is doing his usual trick of changing his FB settings so I can't see if he's online. So I've been ignored for 18 hours and I feel as shit as when we split up.

You're not naive. These people are very convincing but they are no good.

Dear OP, if you have friends and family trying to contact you, then you have love and care in your life.
Please stop shutting people who care out. They will get worried. And tell them how you are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
So this man is handsome? Well it might get you attention but it’s nothing to do with love and deceny. I am 20 years older than you and I know of men who traded on their looks until they couldn’t anymore. It doesn’t bring them happiness just validation.
You are just 33, don’t write yourself off. Life doesn’t depend on a man.
This man ‘made’ you feel love for a while but he doesn’t love you, lovely. His only care is for himself.
Please get some help because you will become at risk of making yourself really poorly. No man is worth that.
If you can go and see your GP.
Your mind seems absolutely stuck on all of this.
And to every MN poster who had been through this and survived and got better, there are many of us. Many of us who thought we’d never get through out.
Please let people who care about you in. And let them support you in accessing some help.

Oh, he's off shore man!

Well, he's a complete dickhead. He's so awful that I would actually spend time working out a marvellous way to dump him.

Exactly. He behaved badly towards you for most of your relationship. It doesn’t matter why. Focus on you now. Put that relationship behind you.

OP the fact that he even shared with you (like my exBF shared with me) that his ex self harmed after breaking up... is quite telling isn't it? On reflection I believe mine did this for two reasons:

1. to enforce the narrative that his ex was crazy

2. to make me think that any woman forced to live without him would hate her life so much that she would self harm.

At the time, I didn't think of it like that, but now I see clearly what his objectives were in sharing that with me, in the same way yours did with you.

For what it's worth, I was married to my ex husband for many years and we went through some real difficult times (not due to our relationship- health things) and even though my ex husband is an arse in many ways, I know for certain he would never mock me or spout off about struggles I had when we were together, it's about loyalty and respect.

Its glaringly obvious that this is not a temporary mismatch or crisis. The abusive/rejecting side of him is just as much the real him—more the real him—as the romancing part. Everything is in service to his needs. Not yours.

Watch videos and get therapy for recovering from narcissistic abuse. It really doesn’t matter whether its that or “depression “ or autistic meltdown because in each of these three cases you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it, and you can’t CHANGE it.

The more headspace you give this toxic relationship the more you will fall deeper into a moral and intellectual coma, unable to live your own life while pining for this unavailable perfect lover.

He's a nasty shit. Never mind why, that's his problem. Don't try to save him as you'll be dragged down and he'll sail away unscathed and energised by all you put into him while you will be an empty shell of who you once were. Nice people don't behave like this.

Deep down aren't you happier when he's not there? No worrying or second guessing.

Get rid

Please read it's not you by dr ramani

Hey OP, I've been through pretty much exactly the same. I was also married to him so it was tougher to get out of. What you've got is a trauma bond, he sounds like a covert narcissist. Have a look on YouTube there are loads of videos on their behaviour and the impact it has on you.

Firstly, you have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, other than the damage he has done to you, and it's significant. The sad part is, you love him like a normal healthy person loves, he is not normal or healthy.

Secondly, you need to take control, I know it hurts but you have to block him on everything, don't give him any access to you, don't let him tell you when he wants to talk. You can make the decisions here, and you are the one with choices. Then go about healing and being happy on your own, stop looking at other peoples relationships and thinking you're missing out, you're not. The person you should love is you so be kind to her and protect her. And seriously, do some research on covert narcs, they're insidious xx

You cannot really be certain of this. It sounds like he has very severe mental ill health or developmental disabilities, and these are not known for being conducive to forming relationship, happy or otherwise.

Equally, if you were able to connect with someone as difficult as that, I dare say you would find it an absolute doddle to date men who aren’t complete nutcases!

Sexual chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean that man is the one for you.

The best ever sexual chemistry I had in my life by a very long way, was with a guy who turned out to be a selfish cunt.

It used to make me sooo angry and frustrated that I wasn’t able to enjoy something that mind blowing with any one of the lovely partners I’d had before him.

Now, I can barely remember what the fuss was about.
What I do remember very clearly is what a giant twat he was. Definitely not attractive to me anymore. Wouldn’t bother looking twice at him if I passed him in the street.

Meh. I don't know where you're pulling this from.

His track record is splitting up with women because they get crazy and paranoid (according to him).

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

When ever he used to talk about his autism. He used to say things like “I don’t miss people” , “I don’t grieve” , “I don’t like to tell people I love them” , “I don’t express how I feel too much” , “I don’t really like hugs I don’t get any benefit from them “ etc

He said in the start he was really loving towards me because he was “masking” which is something autistic people do to appear more “normal”.

he knew and was aware that he was doing these things.

everything he did was just like a narcissist would too. It’s so difficult to tell what exactly his motives were.

That’s true. He used to blame his autism. Saying that they thought he was not affectionate enough towards them it and they thought he must be cheating on them. But he said that’s just how he is (not affectionate).

but the protectiveness of his phone (I think he slipped up there by acting like that with me) made me wonder. Anyone with nothing to hide wouldn’t have brought it up.

he immediately said “my ex used to check my phone, that’s how we ended, she tried to find evidence I was cheating and searched my whole house while I was out and she never found anything , promise me that you didn’t check my phone while I was out the car”

I didn’t obviously but I don’t think he believed me.

Whether it's his autism or narcissism, he lacks empathy and is aware of it and doesn't seem to want to do the work to change that... he almost wears it like a badge of honour. Mine was the same... and he would often say things about how empathetic and compassionate I was and how great that was... later I was referred to as "naive" and "too trusting of people". Ironic because the one person I shouldn't have trusted was him!

Mine too was good looking, but his looks are rapidly fading. There's a lot online about how the narcissist loses their looks over time and the ugliness seeps out. If you looked closely at my ex, his eyes often appeared dark and soulless (my best friend said he could never maintain eye contact and would always clock out of conversations) and he is really starting to look older than his years.

And so what if he meets someone else? He can only keep up the facade for so long and then he'll do to her exactly what he has done to you, for as long as she puts up with it. He's broken and doesn't want to be fixed.

So really, would you actually be happy in a relationship where the other person doesn't miss you and doesn't express their emotions, and doesn't want to touch or hug you outside of sex, and wouldn't grieve if you died?

I'm doubtful if he's describing autism but even if it's true and how he is, how on earth do you think that would have worked for you in the long run?

He's not the dream partner.

I remember your other post (and I commented a couple of times).

He treated you terribly repeatedly, with the constant blocking and shutting down on you. He sounds like a habitual liar and definitely not someone who could bring any value to your life.

He's already caused you so much pain and heartache in such a short amount of time. I don't want to downplay your current feelings but you deserve so, so much better and one day you will look back and see him for what he really was.

Balls to him. He sounds horrendous. It doesn't matter if he's autistic or not, he's just horrible, and using your vulnerability against you in this way is an appalling way to behave.
You're in love with the idea of him, the 'pretend' him that he showed you. Now he's showing you the real him.

Run. Run like the wind. Never contact him again. Better to be single forever than be abused like this. He wants to control you, and you're letting him.
You need time to be on your own, to heal, to look after and enjoy being with your children and find the joy in friends and family.

You sound so terribly vulnerable OP. Get yourself strong before welcoming a man back into your life - you don't need a man to validate you! Your children will thank you for it. I promise things will get better, they really will.

Why do you think he is autistic? Does he have a NHS diagnosis? He doesn't sound autistic. He sounds like he is using autism as an excuse for being emotionally unavailable at the same time as garnering sympathy. This is an insult to people who are actually autistic but not dicks and manipulation of you.

I would suggest that you do the Freedom Program run by women's aid. He is not ill - autistic or narcissistic - he's just abusive and has played you. That's not to minimise the impact. Love bombing is powerful.

Maintaining seemingly strong boundaries and holding out til you think you have found the right one who tells you all you want to hear and makes you feel like you can be all you want to be and appears to be in awe of you as a mother and support your career is powerfully addictive.

But then they rip it away for no reason. Except there is a reason outside normal relationships - power and control.

This is not a normal relationship. You will never get closure from him. He's not interested in a relationship of equals. Block him on all fronts and do the freedom program. You will learn he is worthless and preyed on you. You will learn that you and your D.C. are worth more. You and your DC will go on to lead peaceful lives and find joy.

Op, you're asking...but why would he contact me after breaking up, it must mean he's not over me or hasn't found someone else. It's faulty logic based on how you would operate. Such types, as someone else pointed out, sniff out vulnerabilities, and tend to go for vulnerable people. Do you realise how many women would have dropped him after the first block? If you're vulnerable you'll spend time asking yourself if you are really the problem, and spend no time asking if this is good enough FOR YOU.

A player type will easily have multiple women going and pushing some away while they pull others in. Blocking you means you can't see when he's online and apparently fine to chat to people...just not you. It's a convenient cover story.

If you're vulnerable you'll spend time asking yourself if you are really the problem, and spend no time asking if this is good enough FOR YOU.

Absolutely.

In any case, by his own admission he lacks empathy. Hes telling your xacrly who he is and chucking a convenient label on it that means youre sympathetic rather than cautious. No grief. No missing. No hugs. And his inital apparent care was purely a mask.

...That's not autism to me, its something far more cynical and cold. I have a dd who's diagnosed with it, she has plenty of empathy and a strong sense of loyalty and justice. Now not all autistic people are the same obviously but...Ime Autistic people mask because they realise that verbal tics or tapping their fingers all the time or a 2 hour rundown on the habits of horses aren't tolerated socially. They don't mask because they want you to believe they're someone they're not.

that he very true, he even admitted he was masking on our dates so he appeared normal like a normal man would behave. I didn’t understand it really, because surely if you fancy someone it just comes naturally and you don’t have to force it.

I don’t know why he would choose someone that he isn’t fully into, like I couldn’t be bothered with it all, if I’m dating I’m dating to be with them. If I don’t like something I let them down and leave. TMI but he used to look at me admiringly during sex at the start but towards the end, he almost blank . I always wondered if he enjoyed sex with me , I was never sure. Maybe my weight loss put him off me, I don’t know. He said I looked dramatically different.

some things he does makes me think he does have autism. But I do think he might be misdiagnosed and have NPD instead. But I’m no doctor :( . Some things I do , autistic people do too. I’m not autistic.

you are probably right, he probably does have a bunch of women he blocks and unblocks and rotas into his life when it suits. He was really open with me at the start and transparent, like a totally trustworthy guy, but slowly he closed everything, deleted all social media , made alol online and last seen status private and became very private. Used to tell me everyone knew about me, but did they really. He used to say I was stupid for worrying about last seen and his online status. He used to put on loads of PDA though; I don’t understand why he would do that if he had other girls around in this area .

Saying I was “watching when he was online ” and it wasn’t good for my mental health to see it?
it’s like he was trying to do things to “protect my mental health” and “help us” but these things were the opposite of what I wanted him to do. Blocking me to “save the relationship” as my messages were stressing him out. When I told him it’s over if he blocks me. he said he had no choice and that he would speak to me soon.
But then he breaks up with me anyway when I reached out to him a week or two later- asking how he was.

I just feel like an idiot.

I don't know what else to say to you at this point.

The guy has flat out told you he isn't the man you thought he was, that he was pretending.