Moody husband woes

[Anon63695]

I can't do anything right lately. He told me that if I think he's in a bad mood I should ask and accept his answer as the truth because he's usually just tired from work. I have done this. He will say that he's not upset with me, then continue to behave in a grumpy / hostile / snappy manner... he says this is ok because he's not actually upset etc. and has told me that.

I tell him that I understand he may be moody for various reasons, but he is dragging me down, making me feel miserable with his behaviour. He is adamant that I'm being unfair because I am imagining his bad moods and he isn't really grumpy.

In my opinion he is turning into a grumpy old man before his time. I thought we could work through this but we did couples therapy for a bit and he just keeps telling me that the therapist pointed out that I didn't get a couple of the things he was telling me, never mind that he was told that he needs to work on not being rude to his family because he's tired.

Recently we had a family day out and I did everything he asked, I thought he looked miserable a few times so I asked him if he was enjoying himself and he said yes so I dropped it. I tried making general conversation several times through the day but got short responses. Later on he decided to ask me in a grumpy tone whether I'd had a good day, just when I was in bed and about to go to sleep. This led to a lengthy discussion / argument about how nothing I'd done was good enough to make him believe that I've been listening to him and actually care etc. Then I told him that I'd thought he looked miserable but did what he asked of me rather than assuming his mood, and he complained that me even thinking he was miserable was a problem and I shouldn't have even thought it. Apparently I need to retrain my thoughts so that I believe what he says about his mood regardless of his expression or behaviour, so I don't mistakenly think that he's in a bad mood.

We are both 40ish, with kids at junior school. I have a decent job but I can't afford the mortgage on my own, plus he would push for the house to be sold and split. I don't want to disrupt the kids and throw away everything we've built, but I'm at my limit with this misery. I also don't like the thought of them being with him up to half the time away from me, where I can't protect them from his misery.

Sometimes he's happy and fine, but anything can trigger the bad mood. I can understand that it must be annoying to be constantly told that you're grumpy, but I think if I was being told that then I'd try to work out why rather than insisting that my partner was imagining it.

Sorry it is long, I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. Thanks.

Sounds like it's all over to me 😥

I don’t think you’re in an unusual situation. Loads of women are with men like this, for similar reasons. I’m not sure what the answer is, but just wanted to say that you’re definitely not alone x

(All you need to do is read a few threads on here, doesn’t solve the problem but helps to know others are going through the same things)

It sounds soul destroying I would sell the house and give him half and would be off in a heart beat. I don't believe in sunk cost. It's how you feel now that matters not what happened before or how long you were together. The kids will be happier because they aren't walking on egg shells as will you

I have one of these... he's FINALLY changing, but it's been hard. I can suggest Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

It explains that some men use chronic moodiness, grumpiness, and negativity as a form of control. Their bad moods create an environment where everyone walks on eggshells, adjusting their behaviour to avoid conflict, which subtly gives them power. Instead of taking responsibility, they often shift blame onto you or the kids, making others feel responsible for their emotions. This behaviour isn't just from stress or a personality quirk—it’s a control tactic that needs to be recognised and addressed through boundaries, open communication, and therapy. My DH is finally getting therapy and becoming more bearable.

Thanks for the recommendation @TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon, I'll give that a read. I'm glad your DH took the therapy and is improving.

My DH told me I need therapy to help with the not thinking he's being moody all the time.

@Dollyparot200 I'm almost at this point, as I just don't know what else I can do to improve things between us, aside from keeping quiet and doing everything he wants, but who wants to live like that?!

My cousin's husband was moody, it was his nature according to his mother...he gave her a life of hell.
She was forever walking on eggshells trying to negotiate his bad moods, which eventually led to the silent treatment.

Have you tried totally ignoring his grumpiness, let him snap out of it himself, just carry on doing your own thing.

It sounds a pretty miserable way to live, though.

Moodiness is abuse

Yes, if I leave him alone he usually keeps quiet too, until we go to bed then he makes some gloomy sounding remark such as "I hope you've had a good day" and and argument starts from there. I don't want to argue late at night and I've told him that repeatedly over the years. I want to be able to relax and go to sleep in my own bed without stress like that.

And he always tells me that I've been doing the same as him and am therefore just as bad if I've left him alone for a while, i.e. giving him silent treatment or not trying to resolve an argument.

This is a bit tricky because everyone gets moody from time to time and sometimes there's good reason for it. I think it becomes a problem if it's constant and you don't address it though.

Listen to what he's telling you.

"I'm not going to change so you're going to have to change your reality."

Don't take the bait when he does this
It's deliberate so that he can create an argument and drop his feelings into the argument.
This is emotional immaturity
Think of you as a mouse, his gloomy statement as cheese
Don't fall for the bait, just reply " lovely thanks"

Also disrupting sleep is a really bad sign of emotional abuse, it makes you weaker and easier to manipulate.
I would end it tbh
Be prepared though , he will say its all your fault!🙄

This is a good point, thank you. I agree, it's just helpful to have someone else see it.

I'm struggling with knowing whether I am being unreasonable in some way for not trying to ignore the moody behaviour. He works long / random hours which do make him tired and I get that people can be grumpy when tired, but this is getting extreme.

I've said "lovely thanks" or similar, to which he replies "well I'm happy for you but I haven't had a good day." or something along those lines and it escalates from there. It doesn't really matter what I say at that point.

Ah the suffering Olympics. He wins the Gold, then.
Sparking up a conversation like this at bedtime is done to deliberately disturb you.
He is not genuinely interested in whether you have had a good day. He wants a fight and wants to ruin your peace.
There may be a chance he is depressed, and if he is, then that needs tackling.
But to me he just sounds unhappy and he is taking it out on you.

Oh and if I say I'm not doing this now, I'm tired, it's late and I have to get up early, he says that there isn't a better time to talk and I'm making it so that he can't raise an issue that he has and therefore being suppressive and/ or abusive.

Ugh he's a shit
He's deliberately starting an argument
Can you talk to him and tell him not to disturb you at bed time?
I doubt he will listen because whatever you do he has decided you are going to have his shit dumped onto you willing or not

I think you ask him once if all is ok? he says yes (and remains moody) - you then get on with your day, ignoring his nonsense!!

When he asks you in a gloomy way in bed later if you have had a good day - you say yes, thank you. Hope you sleep well - night! and go to sleep. Do not rise to his questions - this is nasty and possibly deliberate (my day was shit so I am going to make your evening/ night shit!)

Don’t engage with him when you are in bed. Turn it back at him and cut the conversation dead. He has already shown and said he won’t change so you need to take control and work through whether you can live like this?

I couldn’t personally- I would not want me or my DC’s in a miserable environment- life is too short to live with a moody man who thinks the world evolves around him.

@Anon63695 that must be so draining to live with.
Unless he accepts he has a problem and accepts help such as therapy, to change it, he will never change.
Have you tried bluntly saying something along the lines of

"you either seek help and therapy for this, or we need to start proceedings to divorce as I cannot continue to live like this, and it isn't healthy for our dc. I don't want them thinking that this behaviour is healthy, or the way to behave within a relationship."

Could he be depressed and not facing up to it? If so, would he be prepared to seek help from his GP to see if it improves his moods?

If it is depression, it's still no excuse to treat you this way, but it might explain where it's coming from, and it's something that can be treated if he's willing to engage and admit he has a problem (although from what you've said so far it doesn't seem as though he will).

Have you tried
“I’m happy if the kids are happy and they’ve had a great day so yeah it’s been ok”
”what about if I’m happy?” Or some other such needy bollocks
”you’re a grown man your happiness is not my responsibility, good night”

basically just carry on and ignore it like you do a toddler mood

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I think he's depressed but he gets very angry if I ever suggest it, and tells me that I'm not a psychiatrist etc. and therefore not qualified to diagnose depression. There are many things that he has said and done over the years that point towards depression (in my non-medically qualified opinion).

He is unhappy, there are a couple of other things going on which are bothering him, but it always comes down to me somehow.

Studies have shows that we actually only communicate with our words 7% of the time. The rest is 38% tone and 55% body language. So his reasoning that you should just accept his words is bullshit if his tone and body language say differently. Someone can scream, “I’m not angry!” when they are quite clearly angry. And he is gaslighting you and telling you that YOU need to retrain your thoughts. Fuck that! He’s emotionally abusive. He knows fine well what he’s doing and he’s retraining you to question the reality that’s right in front of your eyes. Have a read of this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

And don’t do any more therapy with him because as you’ve discovered, he will just use it as a tool to beat you with. See a lawyer quietly and figure out how you can split

Haven't read all thread yet but so far it seems as though he is baiting you until there's an argument. Try learning the art of grey rocking. It will certainly change your relationship dynamics, but you will have peace within you in the meantime and that is invaluable.

DH Did you have a lovely day?
You Yes thank you
DH well I didn't
You Oh dear (sad face), maybe next time you will. Night night (or walk out of the room/go to toilet/get a drink).

Don't respond except in vague terms, usually "oh dear" (sad face) fits most situations.

EDIT - look up emotional abuse. Relate, Refuge, Women's Aid, Age Concern, other charities, gov.uk, local councils ALL have this on their websites. Read through several to fully understand it.

Yes I've tried similar, and I nearly always get continued moaning in response. If I stop responding and try to sleep he will usually come up with something like "fine, but don't expect me to pretend I'm happy / go to this place with you / pay towards something". Or in more extreme cases he will turn the light on so I can't sleep, or start watching noisy videos on his phone.

Occasionally he'll just go off and sleep on the sofa if he's still annoyed, but it's very rare.

Tell whether or not he’s officially self diagnosing as ‘in a mood’ or whether he thinks he’s in a good mood but his behaviour is that of someone in a mood - the impact on you is the same. You’re treading on eggshells, you’re feeling like you are unable to say or do anything without it causing an argument or him feeling you’re not doing whatever it is he needs, and you are having to live with someone who is bringing you down. And tell this is unsustainable - because it is.

Or in more extreme cases he will turn the light on so I can't sleep, or start watching noisy videos on his phone.
That is abuse. No ifs or buts.