Moody husband woes

[Anon63695]

I can't do anything right lately. He told me that if I think he's in a bad mood I should ask and accept his answer as the truth because he's usually just tired from work. I have done this. He will say that he's not upset with me, then continue to behave in a grumpy / hostile / snappy manner... he says this is ok because he's not actually upset etc. and has told me that.

I tell him that I understand he may be moody for various reasons, but he is dragging me down, making me feel miserable with his behaviour. He is adamant that I'm being unfair because I am imagining his bad moods and he isn't really grumpy.

In my opinion he is turning into a grumpy old man before his time. I thought we could work through this but we did couples therapy for a bit and he just keeps telling me that the therapist pointed out that I didn't get a couple of the things he was telling me, never mind that he was told that he needs to work on not being rude to his family because he's tired.

Recently we had a family day out and I did everything he asked, I thought he looked miserable a few times so I asked him if he was enjoying himself and he said yes so I dropped it. I tried making general conversation several times through the day but got short responses. Later on he decided to ask me in a grumpy tone whether I'd had a good day, just when I was in bed and about to go to sleep. This led to a lengthy discussion / argument about how nothing I'd done was good enough to make him believe that I've been listening to him and actually care etc. Then I told him that I'd thought he looked miserable but did what he asked of me rather than assuming his mood, and he complained that me even thinking he was miserable was a problem and I shouldn't have even thought it. Apparently I need to retrain my thoughts so that I believe what he says about his mood regardless of his expression or behaviour, so I don't mistakenly think that he's in a bad mood.

We are both 40ish, with kids at junior school. I have a decent job but I can't afford the mortgage on my own, plus he would push for the house to be sold and split. I don't want to disrupt the kids and throw away everything we've built, but I'm at my limit with this misery. I also don't like the thought of them being with him up to half the time away from me, where I can't protect them from his misery.

Sometimes he's happy and fine, but anything can trigger the bad mood. I can understand that it must be annoying to be constantly told that you're grumpy, but I think if I was being told that then I'd try to work out why rather than insisting that my partner was imagining it.

Sorry it is long, I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. Thanks.

It sounds like he is depressed or low in mood, and uses his moodiness to make you feel bad (which may make him feel slightly better for a short period). Essentially though, he needs to find other ways of making himself feel better, and stop using you as an emotional punch bag. If you want to stick it out, try reframing it as him being depressed. You've already tried to tell him that he is, but that hasn't worked so don't try to address his depression directly. Instead, try to address it indirectly. Can you nudge him to get more fresh air, more exercise, better sleep, more social activities, more time spent doing something meaningful, confidence boost, etc and see if this works? In the meantime, if he gets moody go shopping, go out with friends, have a great time without him and try to ignore ignore ignore.

Yes, I've told him this when it happens and he says "I'm not stopping you from sleeping, you're welcome to go and sleep elsewhere" 🙁

It’s so depressing to read how many women have to manage their OHs moodiness. And I’ve recently realised that I’m one of them. It’s draining. These men are energy vampires and they expect their spouses to help them regulate the emotions. I’m slowly changing the way I deal with it, fed up with being the rescuer. Empathy? Yes - ‚I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day’. And I genuinely am. I now offer the same level of empathy and compassion to him that I have to myself. But I refuse to be the on call counsellor, life coach, mother and spiritual leader at home. It’s not my role.

OP - perhaps express compassion. Say it must be hard for him. Express hope for a better day tomorrow. Give a hug if you feel like it.
Then say night night and go to sleep.
Lead from the heart but engage your head, too.

I was going to say maybe he just has resting bastard (bitch)face, but reading all your posts he sounds abusive. What would he say if you threatened divorce (to see if that will shock him out of it)?

I don't want to threaten divorce unless I definitely want to go through with it. He's threatened divorce many times in the past and I feel like that in itself is a bit abusive, as it's made me feel less secure in our relationship every time.

I think he'd probably say ok let's split up, then proceed to make it as difficult as possible. He's not exactly in a reasonable mood at the moment.

It does sound like he's baiting you to start fights. Maybe it's to let off steam but I suspect it's a control tactic. If you don't do exactly as he pleases, he goes from grumpy to morose and then angry.

You're living with emotional abuse in the home. Not letting you sleep is physical abuse.

This is what you are modeling on the home for your kids.

To be fair, it must be a pain in the rear to have someone keep asking you if you are miserable!

I'm so sorry, this sound like he really doesn't like you, wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it and would rather make you the bad guy.
At the very least get legal advice so you can understand how things might play out.
Would consider a trial separation along the lines of 'I can see I'm not making you happy, let's try some time apart to see if it would be better for us to be apart or together in the long'?

I don't think if it would help your situation. However I found Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It book full of good ideas. Also 5 Languages of Love. It sounds he is overworked and he is taking it out on you. Not fair, I know. However the only behaviour you can control is your own

Seek legal advice asap re separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His behaviour towards you and in turn the dc is abusive so the marriage to all intents and purposes is over. Your children also need to learn the lesson that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He’s not overworked at all, he knows full well what he is doing here and he would not treat his work colleagues like this.

Yes either he is trying to push me to be the one who ends it and takes the blame, or he likes to hand out threats to try and get his own way. Neither is good!

I don't know how he'd take a trial separation. I'm not sure he'd agree to it, and if he did he would probably tell me to move out then, or he would go but make life difficult in terms of childcare.

A couple of things reading this - please stop walking on eggshells around him trying to limit his bad mood. I’d leave him to it. If he does not want to do something, do it without him. Don’t follow around asking if he is upset with you. If he is bring your mood down ignore him and do what makes you happy.

Please don’t try to engage with fixing his bad mood / bad day. You are not responsible for him. I’d turn it around: ‘I’ve had a bad day’ -ok, so what are you going to do about it?

if he starts the argument at night when you need to sleep, keep your boundary that you need to sleep and refuse to engage there and then. If he refuses to drop it, leave and go to the sofa.

Essentially, at the moment he has you tiptoeing around him trying to make him happy and making his mood your problem. He has no incentive to change. Make it a him problem.

He’s going to make your life difficult and post divorce too because he is abusive. He additionally wants to punish you for having the gall to leave him. In his head he thinks he’s the perfect specimen of man. Such men too hate women. All of them.

This too is who he really is. These types of men also do not change and he thinks he’s done nothing wrong here re you.

I'm in a similar situation (maybe even worse as he doesn't only get moody, he gets downright mean) and fully sympathise with the worry about splitting up because then the kids will be with these men without us there as a buffer to protect them. I'm sorry I don't have advice, just solidarity.

Do you have a spare room you could move into? Or could you create a spare room / space within the house to enable you to live apart?
It sounds like one thing that's holding you back is how nasty he might become, so you're left in a situation on where he's unbearable to live with but potentially unbearable to break up with. I guess it's which is the lesser of two evils. Not an easy choice but this must be incredibly hard for your mental health and self esteem and I'm sure is impacting your kids aswell.

Do you think too that such a man would be bothered all that much about his children post separation?. All he wants to do is punish you and he’s not above using the kids to do that either. Abuse is not a relationship problem.

Trying to protect your children from all this whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible .It is also better for them not to be around him all the time. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

This is gaslighting. Doing something and denying it while it's happening.

As someone else said, he's a shit.

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Because if you don't leave him he will still be doing this to you when you're 60, by which point your kids will have moved far away and will make excuses not to visit and escape will be financially even more difficult.

You are in an abusive relationship. You seem on your way to accepting it, which is a positive step, although you're not all the way there yet. Yes, he'll probably be difficult if you end the relationship, but he's awful to you anyway. Controlling via bad moods/sulking, making his moods your responsibility, controlling your sleep (by keeping you awake), all of it is coercive control and it's against the law.

The fact that you can't tell any more what's reasonable and what isn't is a classic sign that you are a victim of coercive control, as is the fact that you keep looking for something in your own behaviour that is causing him to be this way.

He is causing himself to be this way. He's an adult. You are not responsible for his moods - not for causing them, not for fixing them. His moods are his problem.

You can see how abusive all this is, can't you?

Thank you all. I'm going to see if I can get some free initial legal advice on my next day off when he's not around.

In the meantime I'll try the grey rocking approach.

Would urge you to contact the Rights of Women and Womens Aid. The former can give some legal advice .

So don't respond.

Yes I need to try this. I think he will just keep talking anyway but if I only respond when I have to and keep it simple then he'll have less to get upset about, in theory. At least less to accuse me of.

He will say that he's not upset with me, then continue to behave in a grumpy / hostile / snappy manner... he says this is ok because he's not actually upset etc. and has told me that

Mine did that for years. It's gaslighting and is training you to ignore what you can see with your own eyes.

My ex partner's mood also changed like the wind. I assumed it was unintentional, until one day I realised he had a much higher awareness of his moods & control of his behaviour than I realised. It made me so angry. In the end I left him. Amongst other issues, this felt like a betrayal of trust and an abuse of my good nature. I couldn't believe how long this corrosive behaviour had been carrying on for and the whole time he could have twitched it off like a tap if he wanted to.

Some people do it because they want a fight, and they'll know they'll get one if they behave that way. They want an excuse so they can vent their anger & frustration out at you without feeling guilty. It's basically making you an emotional punchbag.

With others, it's an immature, poisonous way to get attention from you. They don't want to open up and discuss their day or problems like a mature person. Instead, they behave that way so you'll ask them what the matter is and start fawning on them. They love that and so unfortunately it rewards and reinforces that behaviour.

If you can, next time you see even a whiff of such behaviour - impatient sighing, eye rolling, anything like that, then leave the room. Try to detach from him. Go outside for a walk if you can or get in the car somewhere. I'm curious to know how long he'll keep it up for, or if he'll try to follow you so that you can keep being an audience to his displeasure.

Or in more extreme cases he will turn the light on so I can't sleep, or start watching noisy videos on his phone

To me, deliberate sleep deprivation or disturbance like this is abuse. It doesn't leave marks, but it's physical abuse all the same.