Moody husband woes

[Anon63695]

I can't do anything right lately. He told me that if I think he's in a bad mood I should ask and accept his answer as the truth because he's usually just tired from work. I have done this. He will say that he's not upset with me, then continue to behave in a grumpy / hostile / snappy manner... he says this is ok because he's not actually upset etc. and has told me that.

I tell him that I understand he may be moody for various reasons, but he is dragging me down, making me feel miserable with his behaviour. He is adamant that I'm being unfair because I am imagining his bad moods and he isn't really grumpy.

In my opinion he is turning into a grumpy old man before his time. I thought we could work through this but we did couples therapy for a bit and he just keeps telling me that the therapist pointed out that I didn't get a couple of the things he was telling me, never mind that he was told that he needs to work on not being rude to his family because he's tired.

Recently we had a family day out and I did everything he asked, I thought he looked miserable a few times so I asked him if he was enjoying himself and he said yes so I dropped it. I tried making general conversation several times through the day but got short responses. Later on he decided to ask me in a grumpy tone whether I'd had a good day, just when I was in bed and about to go to sleep. This led to a lengthy discussion / argument about how nothing I'd done was good enough to make him believe that I've been listening to him and actually care etc. Then I told him that I'd thought he looked miserable but did what he asked of me rather than assuming his mood, and he complained that me even thinking he was miserable was a problem and I shouldn't have even thought it. Apparently I need to retrain my thoughts so that I believe what he says about his mood regardless of his expression or behaviour, so I don't mistakenly think that he's in a bad mood.

We are both 40ish, with kids at junior school. I have a decent job but I can't afford the mortgage on my own, plus he would push for the house to be sold and split. I don't want to disrupt the kids and throw away everything we've built, but I'm at my limit with this misery. I also don't like the thought of them being with him up to half the time away from me, where I can't protect them from his misery.

Sometimes he's happy and fine, but anything can trigger the bad mood. I can understand that it must be annoying to be constantly told that you're grumpy, but I think if I was being told that then I'd try to work out why rather than insisting that my partner was imagining it.

Sorry it is long, I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. Thanks.

You're right. I guess it's just hard to break bad habits.

It is Anon, it really is. However instead of concentrating on his behaviour start looking at yours. You keep going back for more arguments, more abuse, more confusion and you rapidly start losing any self esteem you had. If you change your reactions to ignoring and grey rocking then you will start to regain your self worth. Stop with the #bekind stuff, he is not returning the kindness or consideration you are showing him and the refusal to let you sleep is a crime he could be jailed for. Let that sink in. Men have gone to jail for what he is doing to you. It is coercive control and abuse.

I would notify the police when you have a set date to leave. Tell them before you give your ex any idea you are leaving, he's already moving into the physical abuse part and it won't take much for him to physically prevent you from leaving. It's time for you to put yourself first.

All of @BiologicalRobot ’s posts bear repeating. OP you are simply running around the circle of abuse —faster and faster. He has infinite energy to abuse you and you have a finite amount of energy and time to resist.

Don’t waste another minute of your one wild and precious life.

I've just read your posts OP and a few from others but OMG your DH is vile, just vile! And terribly abusive! You poor thing, he has you believing up is down. Lots of people on here post really good advice, please start making plans to leave him.

Sweetheart, you know you can't argue with crazy right? If a rabid dog was biting your leg you wouldn't try and reason with it, you'd kick it away then keep it as far away from you as possible.
Wishing you strength and resilience for what lies ahead xx

You are never going to win. You are never going to get him to understand. You are never going to change him. You are never going to get support. Stop banging your head against the brick wall - you will feel less tired once you do

As biological said....

This was the most powerful and affirming moment for me in leaving my ex. I totally empathise with what you're thinking about blame, explaining, trying to understand each other. But, you cannot get true understanding from him.

I told him to leave after yet another argument. He was trying to gloss over things, it seemed like yet another mood swing.

Now he's said he's going to go to the GP tomorrow and has contacted a therapist to make an appointment, so that they can validate my opinion and drug him up, apparently.

He has told me again that I'm emotionally abusive because I don't believe him and dismiss his feelings. I don't think he will leave in a rational manner.

If you were just moving house (in more normal circumstances) you’d probably consider the disruption to the dc, as temporary and short term, but be focused on the positives of a new place to live. I’m just pointing out that families move house all the time without it being a terrible tragedy! So selling up and downsizing isn’t the worst thing.

I wonder if your dc would consider it an overall benefit if they got to spend 50% (and likely much more) of their time with you, away from the relentless negativity and with a happy mum, and only had to tolerate grumpy socks part time? Like, if you had the opportunity to take them on holiday for a few days, without their df, would they enjoy that more than if he came too?

My point is that you’re considering these aspects of a divorce as negatives, but they might not be overall.

'Recently we had a family day out and I did everything he asked'

This is not what a healthy relationship is like OP. You are not a child that needs to be told how to behave or face the consequences.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

Time to go you separate way and live your life in peace, not walking on egg shells to try to please some abusive loser...

This is just a manipulation tactic. He’s only doing it to try and get you to stay in the relationship. He doesn’t actually want help and he won’t engage properly with any services. He will either say they agreed with him and you’re the problem or that it was a load of rubbish and he doesn’t need any help. Therapy doesn’t work for abusive men. They believe that they have the right to control and abuse women for their own benefit. If he’s left, change the locks and speak to a lawyer. If he hasn’t left, call the police and report him for abuse.

This man is really frightening. You have been slowly worn down into not fully realizing how terrible it is for you snd your children. You must get away and from that vantage point you will be able to achieve the energy and mental clarity to manage the wreckage this tsunami of a man leaves in his wake.

He said he's called in sick to work so he can have time off for stress / depression / whatever it is. He tells me that in a "I hope you're happy now as this could impact my career" type way. I just said ok.

I've made it very clear that he should leave and I'm not accepting the children being impacted by this. He's moping (quietly) at the moment.

I know this is terrible, I know he's trying to guilt trip me even now he's said he'll get help. I think he genuinely believes that I'm emotionally abusive too. But I'm not accepting any more of his blaming me for his abusive behaviour and making me responsible for his actions or mental health.

You aren’t responsible for his delusions. He will keep trying to force you back into compliance with Fear, Obligation, and falsely constructed guilt. But you must act to protect yourself and the children.

Stay strong, @Anon63695 - you can see through him, and you know you're doing what's best for you and your children!

Thanks everyone, it's really helped to let it all out and hear other opinions so I know it's not all in my head.

He told me that he's gathering evidence of me being emotionally abusive, including recording a conversation last night where I refused to listen to his constant twisting, repetition and hypotheticals. I went to bed after about an hour of this and he came upstairs then carried on talking to me, until I said I'm going to stop responding because I need to relax and sleep, at which point he accused me of abuse.

I've started reading the Lundy Bancroft book which was recommended, and this seems to be textbook abuser playing the victim.

If you're that bad, OP I wonder why he doesn't want to split up? Wouldn't it be a blessing if he left?

Just don't talk to him anymore. Then he can't pretend he's going to trust anything. He's desperate now

To add, you'd have to put up with a load of shit about how you drove him to it but you'd be free of this horrible man who at best, is insane and at worst is a sadist.

He tells me that in a "I hope you're happy now as this could impact my career" type way. I just said ok.
Perfect! Keep doing this.

I know he's trying to guilt trip me even now he's said he'll get help.
It doesn't matter if he said he's going to get help (future).
It doesn't matter if he IS getting help (present).
It doesn't matter if he's finished the course (past).

It's not about help. It's about change. And you need at least six months to a year of seeing consistent change.

He told me that he's gathering evidence of me being emotionally abusive,
If he truly thinks you are abusive he should be grabbing at the chance of separation that you asked for. If he really thinks you are that horrible why hasn't he left (it's generally easier for men to leave as they tend to leave the children too, women don't)? It's because he can use this to beat you down with, to make you so scared you become compliant. His training hasn't worked so now he's mentally beating you.

That's exactly what I said to him. He came up with something about he knows we could be good again, wanting to do everything to try and not throw away our family life etc.

He still refers to things that happened many years ago in arguments, so I can't see him ever letting this go, i.e. he's set back his career for me etc., regardless of if we're together. I told him it was entirely his own free choice, but got the usual claim of it wouldn't have happened if I'd just listened to him etc.

Let him go on, let him say whatever he likes. The moment you no longer care about what shit he comes out with, that's the moment you're psychologically free of him and that's the moment you can really start to make concrete plans. I have been where you are lass x

OP he's always going to rewrite the past to support his narrative (= it's your fault).
If you'd "just listened to him" means the same as the rest of it...if you'd allowed him to control you, accepting his moods and working hard to keep him happy, at any cost.

Yes, my best hope is that he's actually honest with the therapist and starts to realise that he's been abusive / it's not all on me.

Things will be a lot easier if we can be amicable for the sake of the children.

Anon

Sadly your hope here will not be realised.

He cannot be honest with his own self, let alone some therapist who he could also manipulate. In his head it is always someone else's fault, never his own.

He is never going to be amicable with you and could well use the kids here as weapons to further beat you about the head with. He will string out the whole process of divorce to be as long and protracted as possible because he wants to punish you.

He will remain just as abusive post separation and divorce too but at least you will all not be in his presence day in and day out as you are now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it seems likely, unfortunately.

I honestly thought he was a good man, I could never have imagined him turning like this at the start, or when we got married and had children.