Moody husband woes

[Anon63695]

I can't do anything right lately. He told me that if I think he's in a bad mood I should ask and accept his answer as the truth because he's usually just tired from work. I have done this. He will say that he's not upset with me, then continue to behave in a grumpy / hostile / snappy manner... he says this is ok because he's not actually upset etc. and has told me that.

I tell him that I understand he may be moody for various reasons, but he is dragging me down, making me feel miserable with his behaviour. He is adamant that I'm being unfair because I am imagining his bad moods and he isn't really grumpy.

In my opinion he is turning into a grumpy old man before his time. I thought we could work through this but we did couples therapy for a bit and he just keeps telling me that the therapist pointed out that I didn't get a couple of the things he was telling me, never mind that he was told that he needs to work on not being rude to his family because he's tired.

Recently we had a family day out and I did everything he asked, I thought he looked miserable a few times so I asked him if he was enjoying himself and he said yes so I dropped it. I tried making general conversation several times through the day but got short responses. Later on he decided to ask me in a grumpy tone whether I'd had a good day, just when I was in bed and about to go to sleep. This led to a lengthy discussion / argument about how nothing I'd done was good enough to make him believe that I've been listening to him and actually care etc. Then I told him that I'd thought he looked miserable but did what he asked of me rather than assuming his mood, and he complained that me even thinking he was miserable was a problem and I shouldn't have even thought it. Apparently I need to retrain my thoughts so that I believe what he says about his mood regardless of his expression or behaviour, so I don't mistakenly think that he's in a bad mood.

We are both 40ish, with kids at junior school. I have a decent job but I can't afford the mortgage on my own, plus he would push for the house to be sold and split. I don't want to disrupt the kids and throw away everything we've built, but I'm at my limit with this misery. I also don't like the thought of them being with him up to half the time away from me, where I can't protect them from his misery.

Sometimes he's happy and fine, but anything can trigger the bad mood. I can understand that it must be annoying to be constantly told that you're grumpy, but I think if I was being told that then I'd try to work out why rather than insisting that my partner was imagining it.

Sorry it is long, I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice. Thanks.

Not fair, but I'd take myself off to the sofa for that one

He is being abusive

Go and see a solicitor

Start planning

Tell him nothing

This is your life - do you want it?

For what?

Would you be entitled to UC?

Check

I have done a few times, I don't sleep so well on the sofa though it's comfy enough. Sometimes if I do that he will follow me downstairs, turn on the living room light and keep talking. Unfortunately there's no spare bedroom.

Probably not as my salary is around £42k. It would be liveable if our mortgage was lower.

He is abusive. This is flat out, textbook, abuse. You need to see him as basically robotic and programmed to abuse you. If you try to negotiate or express yourself he will beat you down verbally and financially. If you try to set a limit (don’t speak to me that way, I need the car, I will sleep on the sofa) he will pursue you in order to beat you down. He has no other, higher or more humane goal.

Once you understand that his behavior becomes very boring and predictable. These people are boring and predictable. They are also dangerous the way radiation or sewage is dangerous. You can’t live near it, or in it. You have to just get away.

Yes, when I think about it, it seems like every time he's down about anything (which is a lot as he is negative in general, which he also denies) he finds a way to start an argument, or claims I'm not supporting him etc. I'm like a scapegoat or something, for him to take out his low mood and negativity on.

I can't take it any more. I can see he's not going to change. I'm just going to try and keep the peace until I can get legal advice and work out the best way out.

If he says he's going to disappear or commit suicide I won't question it (By the way, if he read that he would call me a heartless bitch who doesn't care about him).

My Dad was like this from his mid 30s until severe illness finally mellowed him in his mid 70s. That's a long time to be walking on eggshells.

I would rather be a heartless bitch than suffer the abuse of a heartless little whiny ass titty baby like your dh. Jesus christ how needy is this wanker?

How many children?

2

You are doing well OP. You are slowly realising what he is, what he is doing, and that you no longer have to accept it. Please call (or email) Women's Aid and also contact your GP and children's school as I suspect you are going to need a lot of support to leave. Tell as many people as you can. Go to Citizens Advice for financial/benefit advice too. Do you think he is getting worse or do you think you are just noticing it more? If it's the former then please stop arguing with him. Carry on looking on how to escape and contact the solicitors etc, but quietly, don't let him know you have reached your limit.

You need to plan on leaving the house. Get it sold or get him to buy you out, he would have too much control over you if you stay and the whole point of divorcing is to cut his control on you. Start looking on rightmove for rentals or cheaper houses. Play around with locations and price points, now is the time when everybody puts their houses on the market so it's a very good time to buy/sell.

It will be scary and painful to leave but that will, maybe, last around two years. Otherwise you stay and have this life or worse for the next forty years. Hold this thought - short term pain for long term peace. You've got this

The next time he threatens suicide call the police and have them come and take him for psychiatric assessment. If he’s threatening to harm himself he needs professional help which you can’t provide. So you call the police and ask them to do a welfare check and they can take him to the crisis team. He’s just trying to control you by threatening you, so if you report him then it won’t be your problem anymore, you’ll have sought professional help on his behalf and he might think twice about threatening it in the future. I would be taking all the texts he’s sent and reporting him to the police tbh. I would be getting him arrested for domestic abuse. Report everything he’s doing, threatening self hard, threatening to cut you off financially, refusing to let you sleep, texting you constantly with abuse, threatening to give away assets so you can’t have access to them, blaming everything on you, everything. Report it. Have him arrested and then apply to the court for an occupation order and a non mol. Speak to rights of women for free legal advice and women’s aid for support to navigate leaving your abuser.

@TipsyJoker I've considered calling the police, or maybe his GP to get him help. Ultimately I haven't done it because he's calmed down and I don't want the children upset by having their dad arrested but I've realised now that if this goes on it will be much worse for them.

He doesn't text me abuse generally, but I have saved screenshot of arguments via text where he's said some nasty things, seems unhinged and has referred to suicidal thoughts etc. I thought I might need them one day.. I'm not sure I could prove domestic abuse with this if he denied it, but maybe it would help.

OP how are you today?
Would you say more about why you want/need to prove domestic abuse?

I finally chose to leave a narcissistic abuser eerily like your husband after 20 years of marriage and 3 DC. Now probably going to be renting for the rest of my days and definitely worse off financially but wouldn't change it for all the world. I have my autonomy back and my home is the haven that it always should have been.

That was in response to comments suggesting that I should report him really. I guess if he got difficult about leaving it might help?

I'm OK thanks, just tired. I told him the things that have been bothering me and he told me that I've made him afraid to bring up problems and have spent years not listening to him.

if he feels like that then surely it's to his benefit to split up too?

I'm OK thanks, just tired. I told him the things that have been bothering me and he told me that I've made him afraid to bring up problems and have spent years not listening to him.

You are never going to win. You are never going to get him to understand. You are never going to change him. You are never going to get support. Stop banging your head against the brick wall - you will feel less tired once you do.

I know. I hate that he feels like that though, it makes me at fault in some way. I feel like I can't talk to him because of the late night arguments, sleep deprivation and general explosion etc. and he feels like he can't talk to me because I won't listen and will just criticise.

I feel like when he thinks I don't listen it's actually that I just don't agree with him, and he can't actually tell me how I've been critical, but as he likes to say, that's all subjective. He thinks I've worn him down and my opinion always has to matter the most, maybe I have.

This doesn't mean that we can carry on like this though. There's probably no point apportioning blame.

Look up DARVO as he seems to be doing a lot of it. But I agree with your conclusion, neither of you are happy even with talking/therapy and you are both getting more angry, resentful and unhappy. It's toxic and it needs to end.

Concentrate on you and your needs now. Once you divorce his needs, wants and feelings are no longer your concern so start letting go now. And in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter if he thinks you are cruel or a bitch or nasty, or tells others you are. You know you are not, and those that care about you will also know you are not.

Oh he also called me a "F*ing moron" after I told him again that the way he behaves matters regardless of whether he claims to be moody, and that it's gaslighting to tell me that I'm consistently misreading his mood and need therapy to deal with that.

He said that I'm doing the same because I told him he's miserable and dragging down my mood etc.

Verbal and emotional abuse

@Anon63695 why are you continuing to have these discussions with him? It’s absolutely pointless - you say your piece, he says his - and nothing changes. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same. Drop the rope. Grey rock. Separate.