How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

He sounds like a bully and I think you're doing pretty well once a week with a small baby. Do you want to give him BJs? I don't think you should be doing that at all tbh.

It will just have to be a no with no reasons if he's going to be doing that.

There's lots of info on the net which you can show him, let him see it's a normal reaction to giving birth Op. Trouble is he won't want to believe it, he's pressuring you for more and not listening to you. Stop giving him reasons, that just let's him try to talk you round, if you're not up for sex then say no.

He should be grateful for once a week! He should also understand that your needs have changed now. If it was once every few months I may have had some sympathy for him! Tell him he needs to just deal with it, while baby is young things are different, does he put effort into helping you with baby and the home?

He doesn't sound very caring towards you😞

Honestly, I’d start simply saying no. It doesn’t need to be “no, because I haven’t had a shower” or “no, because I’m not in the mood”, just “no” and move on. No is a complete sentence.

Don’t get drawn into excuses, no simply means no.

Ugh. He’s a sulky man child who pesters you into sex you don’t want. Nothing would make me less likely to want sex with my DP than him being an entitled whiny sex pest tbh.

Next time don’t give him reasons as you’ll see he will try and find excuses why your reasons don’t matter to him.

Tell him you don’t want sex at the moment, and then if he keeps trying to persuade you tell him thats sexual coercion and any sex you do now have is tantamount to rape.

Ask him if he sees himself as a rapist? Because thats what a man is who badgers a woman into sex that she doesn't want.

If the penny doesn’t drop at that point then there’s nothing you can do and its not an exaggeration to say I’d have to leave him.

So basically his view is you should shut up and spread your legs?

Sounds like a prince.

The only reasons you should have sex are:

You really want to have sex. Now. With this person. Because it will feel great for both of you.

You want a baby. And this clearly doesn't apply to you at the moment.

Is the sex you are currently having good? Do you really enjoy it and want it? Do you enjoy giving him blowjobs?

Tell him that pressuring you into sex you don't want is rape. You'll let him know when you're ready to have sex and meanwhile he can satisfy himself.

You've got bigger problems though. Pressuring you or coercing sex is rape and sulking or the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

He doesn't respect you and I'm wondering if this is part of a wider pattern. It's very common for abuse to start after a baby. You could contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for a chat.

Blimey, I only want sex once a week and I’m 8 years pp🤣 he doesn’t sound nice op, you’re allowed to not want to for any reason at all & he should respect that. It’s not like you never have sex.

next time, I wouldn’t give him a reason, I’d just say not today or I don’t feel like it today.

Oh OP. This is so rubbish. I really don’t understand why he thinks putting on lingerie is going to be a magic fix for how you’re feeling. It’s just so tone deaf.

You don't have to give a reason/justify - just NO!
Coercion (which he's doing by the sound of things) is illegal.
You have been through so much with pregnancy and birth and now caring for your child. Don't underestimate the impact that has on you and the need to 'selfishly' make choices just for you and your little one.

Thank you for the reply. I would also feel differently if he wasn't getting any sex at all but I am doing my best to keep it to at least once a week.

Generally, no, he's not very helpful around the house but he does work long hours. He only change nappies on weekends and only one a day, which I'm not happy with though.

He sounds awful. Pushy, doesn’t care about consent, doesn’t give a shit you’ve just had a baby - just wants to snap his fingers and be serviced or he’ll sulk and pressurise you.

What a piece of shit.

Ask him if he would like an object inserted up his bumhole 10 weeks after squeezing a grapefruit out of it?

Thank you. Sex is good, although, sometimes slightly uncomfortable for me. Things have definitely changed down there since giving birth lol.

I do enjoy and want to have sex when I'm in the mood!

This is exactly the problem. He thinks he can find a magic fix to every possible reason for not wanting to have sex.

@Ohnomychiapudding Long hours or not it sounds as though he is not pulling his weight, perhaps if he did more to help then you would feel less stressed and have more energy for sex. I think he needs to step up, and I think you are being more than reasonable. It is not unreasonable of him to want a sex life, but he also has to fully respect you and how you feel and what you want, and his behaviour doesn't respect you currently.

The solution to that is to stop giving him reasons OP. You don’t have to say you’re tired, need a shower, aren’t in the mood etc, just simply say no. No reason required. No means no. If he can’t accept that then you have much bigger problems to face.

God, I couldn't deal with that. Our youngest is 3.5 and I hardly have sex anymore because I'm so tired all the time. My husband doesn't make me feel bad about this at all! Your husband sounds horrid. No thanks.

I think bluntness is what is needed. When he pesters, say ive told you no and the fact you aren't hearing that makes me feel less like your partner and more like a sex doll, do you care about my feelings at all? I would also tell him it's slightly concerning he fails to hear no, and you are perfectly entitled to not want sex just because he does.

I think sometimes some blunt language is needed to point out that their behaviour is not appropriate.

Don't make excuses, if you dont want sex, no is enough.

I would also tell him the more he acts like you are just an object to get him off, rather than an equal partner, funny enough it makes you feel less attracted to him and want sex less.

I will try and just say no next time but I have a feeling he will ask why or want to have a big conversation about it. I just don't have the energy for that.

Just out of interest, have you said to him 'hey, you do realise that it's really common for women to not feel in the mood for sex for months and months after birth - having regular sex at 10 weeks isn't actually normal for the vast majority of people. For some people it is, but a lot of people don't have sex for a long time after the baby is born. I just wanted to let you know as I'm not sure that you knew that'? What was his response?

Your husband is a bullying sex pest. No means no. It does not warrant any further discussion or attempts at coercion, which is what he is doing. Coercive sex is abuse.

Have you tried asking him why he is trying to force you to have sex with him?