How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

@PhilomenaPunk @PermanentTemporary both great posts

And that's it in a nutshell. We have posters like @cgk who think it's a woman's job to educate a man and expand on why they've said no to something

Just tell the hound dog to BTF off!

You are not his sex toy!

Because a relationship is the be all and end all for some women unfortunately. "The relationship" needs all their time, effort and energy to run. They give and give and give until there is nothing left, and martyr themselves to "the relationship".

I don't want to. End of discussion. If he keeps arguing try pointing out that he's trying to guilt you into sex you don't want. He's probably too dense to see it that way.

We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob.
If that is more than you want, it's too much.

my husband wants more sex
He needs to wank more.

when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.
This is coercion. It's abuse. He's pressuring you into having sex you don't want. You are not his wank-sock.

I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered.
He doesn't care what matters to you. He thinks what he wants should override what you want - even if it's entry to your own body.

Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself.
Men talk such bollocks. It's a 'not wanting it' issue. 'I don't want it.'

he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.
He is inconsiderate. He doesn't care about your feelings, he just wants to twist you until you do what he wants.

he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly.
Of course it does. What sensible woman would want to have sex with a man who doesn't care about her feelings on the matter? He's a rapist in husband's clothing.

I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.
Of course you are not. Your brain reformed during pregnancy. You aren't his sex-toy, you are a mother.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy.
Man-child. Sulking now. What a disgrace he is.

How do I talk to him about this so he understands??
"Listen, you mithering rape-minded bastard, I'll let you know when (and if) I ever want your pathetic little penis. Until then, go somewhere quiet and rub it - take tissues and don't make a mess."
Or something along those lines.

For a start stop sucking his dick. There’s absolutely nothing in it for you and it’s led to him thinking your job is to service him.

You need a very firm conversation asap before he tries to coerce you again. Tell him from now on No means No and they’ll be no further discussions about it because it’s coercive and fucking rapey. If he continues being rapey you’ll have to rethink things. Tell him the dick sucking is also going to stop because you’re a new mum who should be enjoying her new baby, not servicing him.

If he pretends to be bewildered ask him if he really wants sexual coercion on his his divorce papers.

Say no and either walk away or turn your back on him. Make it crystal clear.
Can you sleep in a different room at all?

It makes me feel sick that new fathers are demanding blow jobs (this has been the third post about it in the last fortnight) when both the mothers and fathers priority should be the care of their new born, and the caring of the mother for what her body has gone through. It is abhorrently selfish to even think for one second that your having an orgasm (which you could do yourself) should be priority.

Ew! Your husband is a selfish sex-pest.

It's so gross. So a new mother is expected to take care of a newborn baby, look after the house, RECOVER from the birth, and sexually satisfy a man? The OP's husband should be focusing on the physical, emotional and practical needs of his child and his wife, not on his dick.

When you say no and he then challenges you. Follow up with "no is a complete sentence, this does not need to be discussed further". And see how he takes it...

The issue here is not really about sex, it’s about entitlement and control. He feels entitled to sex and entitled to relaxation and rest within the home, unlike you who does the bulk of the work.

You said he was grumpy after your conversation. He isn’t grumpy. He’s angry his attempts at coercion failed and now he’s causing an atmosphere.

His entitlement will not just be limited to sex and pulling his weight. You should look carefully at other areas where he acts entitled and controlling. What are your finances like? Does he sulk when you go out?

You asked How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

It sounds like you’ve repeatedly explained clearly, in much more detail than you have here. Yet I understand you from your brief post, and so do most of the other posters.
He does understand op. He just doesn’t care.

Thank you, everyone. Lots of replies!

I feel like I've made him sound worse than he is! Generally he's a good supportive husband. He's not demanding blowjobs from me everyday, it just comes up when we're cuddling or kissing. I don't mind doing it when I have the time and energy.

I also don't have an issue just saying no to him but then he's down and the atmosphere is just not nice. I guess I'll maybe just have to accept that though.

@cgk I've tried to explain to postpartum and breastfeeding hormones multiple times. Pretty much everytime this issue is brought up actually. He thinks he can fix this by more kissing and groping to "turn me on" and won't accept that this isn't the answer. My libido is low but I'm not forcing him into a sexless relationship, it's at least once a week, plus blowjobs and handjobs.

How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

I think you need to do some serious thinking about why this is your question op.

Why would you want to?

These are the characteristics his behaviour points to...

1. Abhorrently selfish
2. Uncaring
3. Dismissive of your feelings
4. Grumpy
5. A sex pest
6. Sees you as a sex object here to serve him

And yet your question is how do you tip toe around him and keep him happy.

Why? Why would you want to? He can't give a shiny shit about you, just what you can give him- sorry to be blunt but it's clear from his behaviour.

When your gorgeous daughter is older, is that list of personality traits what you want from her?

As to what to say, I think you have two options...

1. 'I shouldn't need to spell this out to you, but you are becoming a sex pest. Leave me alone, and I will have sex with you when I am ready. We have a baby who needs parenting, do your share.'

1. 'You have shown your character over the past month and it isn't someone I want to be with. I'm divorcing you.'

I love this, you nailed it.

I’d personally go with option 2, he sounds vile.

Oh for gods sake, if you think someone who treats you like this is a good supportive husband, then I don't think we can help you.
All I will take from this thread is to make damn sure if my daughters know that if they are ever treated like this, they pack their bags and come home.
You haven't painted him in a bad light, you told us what happens, and we have told you, that that makes him a rapey sex pest.

He is a selfish prick who doesn't seem to understand women. X, Y and Z turns him on and he thinks those exact things should turn you on too?

Madness.

You've done some minimising here with this what you have said.

Also the second part where you say things are not nice after when you've had to say no, maybe you'll just have to deal with that, no you don't. Then it's you not feeling good and in turn all this is going to do is create worse issues for the future.
As it's a problem that goes round and round then.

Wow OP you say he is not that bad but if he is unable to accept ‘No’ as a complete answer then you have a problem. You have just had a baby & you are still healing and at the same time you are learning all about your baby and being a Mum. This is not an easy task!

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. Tell him graphically if you have to how the birth was for you & the last thing you need is to be having sex. Like PP’s have said tell him everything about why you are just not interested. He needs to understand it is physiological as well as emotional.

Ask him what does he do when he is home to relieve you of your load? How much does he do for the baby? What does he do around the house? He needs to understand that you need rest & relaxation .

I am sorry but he just sounds incredibly selfish.

When I had my firstborn my husband was constantly doing things to help & never once pushed me for anything. Yes I had 2 traumatic births and he always said to me he didn’t want to hurt me so we wait until I was fully healed and ready. I never worried that my husband would look elsewhere because his head was with his family and his heart with me. I’ve been married for over 25 yrs and he has always been respectful and in tune with my needs. Even to this day my family, my kids always say about how much he helps me and looks after me.

Good luck OP in getting him to understand & I hope he does get it.

It deeply unfair of him to go quiet and moody on you if you refuse him Op, if he can't talk you into sex he's then trying to make you do it by sulking. Remind him about consent, it's not consent if he tries to make you do it. Also tell him that the baby is his job too, he doesn't get to leave it all to you, your life has changed, his needs to as well.

Ouch, I'm very very grateful for everyone's advice and I'm taking it all on board. I'm going to have another conversation about this with my husband tonight.

Tell him to stop being an abusive sex pest.

(Once a week isn't unreasonable in a happy respectful relationship but he's treating you like a piece of meat).

And you're not a sex worker. Don't give him hand jobs and BJ's if you don't want to.

Generally, no, he's not very helpful around the house but he does work long hours. He only change nappies on weekends and only one a day, which I'm not happy with though.
I know sex shouldn't be used to bribe, but in this instance I'd be having no sex at all with him until he learns to take an equal share in looking after his child when he is about! How dare he dictate when, or if, he changes a nappy!!!
His thinking is seriously skewed in all sorts of ways, and he seems to only consider himself.
I think you probably need to think about some counselling together to establish boundaries and expectations, and to increase his respect to you and the relationship.
For many women, his offensive and selfish attitudes would be a deal breaker, and maybe you too need to consider the future of this relationship.

I've tried to explain to postpartum and breastfeeding hormones multiple times. Pretty much everytime this issue is brought up actually. He thinks he can fix this by more kissing and groping to "turn me on" and won't accept that this isn't the answer.

Ok, so he’s a good guy who’s a bit dense and cannot understand what you’re saying. Maybe you’re not explaining it well. It stands to reason then that he might understand better if someone else explains to him, like the health visitor or another man like your dad. If this idea fills you with horror you’ve got your answer.

What do you think the health visitor would say op? What safeguarding concerns would it raise that there is a sexually abusive man in your home? Do you think it would wash that he cannot understand basic consent and postpartum needs? You know as well as I do there would be an immediate referral to social services.

You're in denial. It’s understandable.