How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

I think sex once a week after having a baby so recently is very good he needs to understand that you don’t have to explain or justify yourself not to have sex. He says you used to respond to his cajoling…. So he has always been coercive. The conversation just seemed to be about his feelings not yours.

I don’t think you need to argue your case anymore. He just needs to sit with this information and accept it now.

“He misses the connection”
So? It’s not your job to fix/counter that, it is a consequence of him having a baby now and he just has to live with it.

“ I was more responsive before.”
correct again! His life has changed, as he has a baby now. Glad we’ve got that straight!

“Guesses we have different needs right now” The man’s a genius! Let him come to terms with that.

You don’t need to say any more.
The point is that his wants/needs do not trump yours at the moment. Now just watch to see if his behaviour changes.

If not, what are you going to do OP?

He can fuss and whine about what he needs all he likes - he doesn't seem to get that you are currently more focused on taking care of his baby? Ffs. He is so incredibly selfish.

Op, @BitOutOfPractice makes an important point you need to tell your DH_ being nagged for sex doesn't turn a woman on, it just means she gives in to get some peace. Tell him once sex becomes all about him it will be a chore and put you off.

Unfortunately it reads as if sexual coercion has always been a factor in your relationship.

He nags and whines and you give in?
He needs to grow the hell up.

He is not some horny teenage that thinks women are meat to be climbed.

You are recovering from a tough medical procedure and he doesn't get to use the entry wound as he wants, like you are a blow up.

I would be most concerned for you.
You are so vulnerable.
Please keep in close touch with your family.

The sad truth is he is risking how you feel about him permanently changing.

Sexual coercion is so wrong, once you know it's going on, and your eyes are open to it, it is hard to go back.

Ultimately he feels his needs being met takes priority over your physical and mental well being and he cannot understand how the coercion you have given into all along no longer works.

He sounds so awful.

This is not cool. Your baby is tiny and your body is still recovering. Can’t believe he is sulking and huffing and puffing about his needs.

I know you wanted us to give you a brilliantly articulate text to write and im yet another poster who's not going to. But. It's because there are no magic words.

Your husband is fundamentally exceptionally selfish and that won't change ever. He is literally incapable of thinking about you as a human being like he is, he simply only cares about what you can do to make his life nicer. That's where his thought process on you ends.

I think all you can do in the immediate future is keep saying no, and use the words sexual coercion as well.

But I would do some proper thinking about the future. Your husband is selfish. That will manifest in different ways throughout the course of the marriage. He is a prime candidate for affairs, regardless of how much you put out. When you're both retired he will expect you to continue doing the housework etc

So. I would pull back a bit op. Keep saying no when you don't want anything, that's a full sentence. And in the background start preparing.

I think a lot of men these days have lost track of what 'connection' and 'intimacy' actually mean - and just use the words it seems a nicer way of saying they want more sex. The wife could stand stroking their arm and talking and laughing with them all evening looking into their eyes and they would still say 'I miss the connection/ intimacy' - god help these men if their partners were ever disabled and unable to put out like performing seals on a very regular basis. I do blame porn culture a lot for this because you never have any romance/lead up and plenty of women need sex to start 'in the head'

The very fact that your partner thinks things should continue as they did before you had your baby shows he is not doing enough parenting. He’s so bloody out of touch with your reality. It’s totally shocking. He needs to step up and parent when he’s home. That’s the reality. It’s his job, too. He’s a father - he’s not just a sperm donor. His needs are at the bottom of the list right now. Decent men are not agitating for sex at this stage - and he’s not going without - you’re having sex once a week. He’s doing well for sex. He needs to grow the hell up and stop being so selfish.

Great post.
Do people in their later years, married decades whom no longer are particularly interested, perhaps with ED, health problems have empty relationships without intimacy?

Of course they don't.
There is something about seeing people in their 80's shuffling along out walking together, holding hands, absolutely represent the definition of intimacy in a long relationship.

He reads as spectacularly immature and selfish.
Certainly not father material.

Prepare yourself that he is highly unlikely to change.
Lock down your contraception as you do not want another baby with this pig.

There’s not really anything to respond to. He has acknowledged you have different needs and he feels sad about it. Job done.

Theres no need to send him articles or discuss it again. It’s not your responsibility to try and make him better about it. I think what you really want is his approval, so theres not a bad atmosphere in the house.

@Aqz yep- I put that post because I see so many men on here posting about lack of intimacy/connection - but it usually turns out they get along well, have good nights out, talk a lot - and it usually comes down to the fact the wife isn't 'putting out ' enough for their liking . It's not intimacy/connection they are lacking it's purely sexual acts- but somehow they don't think it puts them in a good light if their thread title is 'I want more actual sex' so they use these 'coy ' words as it implies it isn't about actual PIV sex , anal or blow jobs etc - it nearly always is.