How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

He needs to understand that breastfeeding hormones can wreak havoc with libido. That’s all there is to it - there isn’t a fix.

On the other hand, one partner not understanding why they aren’t able to have sex “as usual” can lead to serious relationship problems. So I would be careful to try and communicate very clearly with him to avoid these.

It’s quite obvious though isn’t it?
he wants sex at his usual frequency
he doesn’t really understand why he can’t have this
so he is trying to solve the reasons that op is giving him for eg hasn’t showered - he says no issue for him.

he isn’t trying to force her. He may have a lack of understanding of the situation, for sure. But there is no forcing goign on. He’s upset and frustrated and trying to very clumsily mend the situation.

If you are truly enjoying the sex (and the 'uncomfortable' comment maybe needs further thought), then it is possible you might want more in certain circumstances - if you are rested, have time to yourself to see friends, relax and feel like yourself and not just mama, and if your dh is not a childish pest concerned only with his own sexual gratification and not yours.

Think about what good sex is for you and what dh might do to create the right circumstances. It is not going to be about you doing more work and wearing sexy knickers! He needs to go over and above to make you feel safe and comfortable and relaxed and satisfied.

Bullying and picking fights and telling you he deserves sex - none of that gonna work.

Then write it down for him now to help him understand. Because he does not understand.

"Because I don't want to."
The why doesn't matter. You not being in the mood is enough. He doesn't have a right to access your body whenever he fancies it. You're a person not a sex toy, this isn't a debate over whether or not to get a 4 slice toaster or a 2 slice toaster - his opinions on what you do with your own body don't matter.

@cgk lol at being all careful and fluffy with him. As if he's 5 and doesn't grasp a concept

No is no. No need for clear and 'careful' language designed to placate him. Just a simple ' I've recently had a baby, once a week is all I'm up for and you wanging on and wanting big discussions makes me want to divorce you. Do you REALLY want to coerce me into sex? Now fuck off'

But then I'm to the point really could be putting up with this nonsense

@cgk why are you going to such lengths to defend this man? Are you a man?

But presumably op values the state of her marriage. And having sex is a normal expectation. if she doesn’t want to sometimes, it’s obviously fine. But if she doesn’t want to, habitually, then there is a problem. Yes, it may be a problem caused by his bad handling of the situation. But it needs jointly solving - or the relationship will suffer.

No I’m not a man. I’m a woman who’s been married 25 years.

Im not really defending him, I’m advising the op not to let this problem fester. Help him understand why she doesn’t want sex - or face relationship consequences.

She's just had a bloody baby @cgk

Are you particularly hard of reading

You are defending him. Coming across like a right male pleaser under any circumstances..

No, I clearly state in my first post that breastfeeding affects libido.

He doesn’t understand. She can just say no or she can say no and help him to understand.

Presumably he also values the state of their marriage. You don't bulldoze someone into having sex; you're after enthusiastic consent.

Sex in most relationships goes through peaks and troughs especially after having children. Childbirth is very taxing on a woman's body and having a young baby is exhausting.

If the OP was insisting on sex after her husband had just had a major operation and said he was in recovery and exhausted, would you be telling him it's his duty?

You’re completely misunderstanding me.

Im encouraging op to protect her marriage by helping him understand. Im not trying to please males, im advising her how to avoid bigger issues.

but you can think I’m a man or male pleaser or whatever shite you want. You’d be wrong - I know my own mind and intentions.

'It’s quite obvious though isn’t it?
he wants sex at his usual frequency
he doesn’t really understand why he can’t have this
so he is trying to solve the reasons that op is giving him for eg hasn’t showered - he says no issue for him.

he isn’t trying to force her. He may have a lack of understanding of the situation, for sure. But there is no forcing goign on. He’s upset and frustrated and trying to very clumsily mend the situation.'

@cgk you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself for this response. Are you seriously arguing that the poor ikkle man can't grasp the fact that things will need to change now that his wife has given birth to another human being and his dick is not her main priority? Your standards are on the floor aren't they? You might be willing to accept the bare minimum but thankfully the OP clearly is not prepared to do that and nor are most of the women on this thread. Do better. Expect better.

He doesn’t understand. It’s as simple as that. Yes he’s handling it badly. He needs help understanding.

There is nothing that kills a marriage and feelings quicker in my opinion than a sex pest quite soon after having a baby and who makes you feel like a receptacle.

lol at you ordering me what to think/do/expect.

Yes, the man doesn’t understand. That remains my opinion. Either op helps him understand, or the relationship suffers.

Op - you realise coercive sex is a crime don't you?

If you don't want sex, you don't have sex, it's that simple.

You should leave this man, this isn't something I would want my daughters to go through.

I am so sad that this seems to be coming up increasingly more on mumsnet.

Great response, said everything I wanted to say!

'lol at you ordering me what to think/do/expect.

Yes, the man doesn’t understand. That remains my opinion. Either op helps him understand, or the relationship suffers.'

@cgk it's actually not funny. I am so grateful that more and more women are refusing to put up with this disgusting behaviour from men simply to have a relationship. The relationship is a two way street: maybe the OP's husband should stop trying to coerce her into having sex she doesn't want as THAT is actually what is causing the relationship to suffer.

I came here to post exactly the above

@cgk
The op should not value this marriage. Why do women so so often think that they are servants to men. What has happened. The op, you, all women are worth so so much more than being a sex object. I really shouldn't have to type that out.

Like many reading this I'm so furious with your husband I'm having to put this down and walk away. BRB.

...

'You'd feel sexier if you put lingerie on' is such an absolutely textbook male gaze porn-influenced idiocy I can't even process how stupid he is sounding. I quite like lingerie, personally. I put it on when I already feel sexy, when i am relaxed and have lots of time and in order to get a reaction from my partner, not from a cold start in order to arouse myself, and certainly not in perhaps the first 3 years post partum. The idea that your arousal is exactly the same as his, responds to the same stimuli and goes at exactly the same pace is so ignorant.

This next bit is about stuff you could ask him to do. Ignore it if you want. I just want to get across to him that - what is HE doing, apart from arguing away your feelings, as if that was in any way helpful?

What would you like him to wear, if anything? I do like a man's chest. Does he deliberately strip naked for you an hour or two before sex?

I like words too. I like dirty texts for up to three days before sex. Pictures too, but its words that do it for me more than anything.

I don't want to make you so angry with him that you genuinely break your sex life, because it's important, and at least you do enjoy it at times.

Is he any good at managing people at work? He sounds like a shit manager.

As a reminder to all the women on this thread (following @cgk's ridiculous posts): women are not here to educate men, to appease men, to validate men, to placate men etc etc etc.

OP: you are not responsible for your husband's behaviour. If he lacks some understanding then he can pick up a damn book and read about women's health and well-being needs after birth, and while he's at it, some reading around criminal sexual behaviour wouldn't go amiss either.