How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

Have you thought about maybe texting him and explaining?

If a face to face conversation doesn’t work.

I have known some men whose wives have text them when they do not understand things & reading it in black & white has made them see how selfish they are. It has helped spark a conversation where they have had to explain themselves and in doing so understood their partners feelings.

It is different strokes for different folks and only you really know your husband but he needs to understand consent and that No is just that No!

Would it be helpful if he read it on an official website so that he could see it's normal and not just you trying to avoid it? Babycentre.com covers the subject but there's likely tons of other sites that say similar.

https://www.babycenter.com/baby/postpartum-health/is-it-normal-not-to-want-sex-after-having-a-baby_11804

I think its easy to minimise and normalise this, but he is almost expecting sex or blow jobs and is sulking or creating and atmosphere when he isn't getting it, you dont need to make him sound worse because this behaviour alone is bad.

I think people in these kinds of relationships convince themselves it's normal, but it isn't. I would be asking yourself why he gets to treat you like a sex doll, giving blow jobs and having sex when you dont want to? I know I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with someone I knew didn't want it, I would feel gross actually. The fact he doesn't care whether you actually want it, just if he can convince you to do it anyway, it's really quite grim.

I think the first step is having a conversation but also challenge your own thinking a little, how have you got to a situation where you are making yourself do something you dont want to do, just to stop him causing an atmosphere? What can you do for yourself to change that thinking. Sex should be something between two people who BOTH want it, not one person pushing and the other giving in to shut them up. That in itself will only help destroy your libido and make it feel like a chore and something you HAVE to do, and that really should never be the case.

Yet another thread about a horrible man!

I’m so very sorry @Ohnomychiapudding you are married to an abusive sex pest.

@MadinMarch has nailed it. You might also want to point out that you’re working all day, too - you’re just not paid to do it. He needs to start parenting and doing housework, too.

Do NOT use the terminology of help - that suggests these are primarily your jobs not his. They’re not primarily your jobs when you’re both home. Working-outside-the-home parents parent when they get home. They don’t put their feet up. And yes, it’s very intense and tiring but gets easier as your children get older and less dependent.

If you were an SAHM to school-age children, then yes it’s right you should carry the domestic load but that’s not the case here. Parenting a baby is a full time job in itself. Indeed, if he thinks it’s so easy, why does he only change one nappy a day?

He's not demanding blowjobs from me everyday, it just comes up when we're cuddling or kissing. I don't mind doing it when I have the time and energy.

@Ohnomychiapudding can I ask a blunt question - does he ever give oral sex to you, "when he has the time and energy", without the expectation that it will lead to sex for him? I suspect I already know the answer. In which case this suggests that sex is currently about meeting his needs and not about maintaining intimacy or partnership between the two of you. There have also been other posts recently emphasising that foreplay starts long before the bedroom. Perhaps if he pulled his weight more with cleaning and nappies you might have more energy for sex? Something for him to think about.

Once a week seems perfectly reasonable to me, particularly given how recently you've given birth and the fact you say it's still uncomfortable. I'm currently pregnant and my libido has all but vanished (though it's making a comeback in the second trimester). It hasn't even come up in conversation if my DH is unhappy with the lack of sex we're having, he just hasn't mentioned it. His only concern currently is for my health and wellbeing as my body works its arse off growing our child. During and post pregnancy, men need to accept that their sexual needs are less of a priority for their partner, and there are ways around that in the short term... In my case, I'm very aware of why DH has started locking the bathroom door at shower time, and that's fine 😂

Ignore other posters who are saying you need to educate him. He's a grown man, not a pubescent boy in a sex ed class.

Are you serious? How fucking thick do you think men are that its beyond them that a womans sex drive might not be the same 10 weeks after giving birth? Do you really believe men are that stupid? I mean other animals get it, it's really not that complicated.

He doesn't understand OP, because he doesnt want to, he just wants you to give in.

I understand what everyone is saying but I don't feel as though I'm being abused. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do. There's no shouting, name-calling, or silent treatment when I say no. He's just a bit grumpy or sad when we can't have sex.

He understands why my libido is low, he just thinks he can overcome this or find a solution.

The not helping much with the baby is an issue but he does genuinely work very long hours in a physical job so he's exhausted by the weekend. He's out of the house at 5am and not home until 7/8/9 depending.

You. Are. Being. Abused. Sorry 💐

You might find this helpful OP. It's a good overview of sexual coercion.

Ask him why he doesn’t do more around the house and then spend 10 minutes picking apart his excuses, the lazy sex pest fucker

The not helping much with the baby is an issue but he does genuinely work very long hours in a physical job so he's exhausted by the weekend. He's out of the house at 6am and not home until 7/8/9 depending
Changing nappies isn't a tiring job that he needs energy for.
It's his attitude that is so selfish here, and that he sees it as not his job to do. He believes tt's another job for you to do, along with the housework and having sex with him. He thinks you owe him all this.
You're defending him strongly and minimising in your last post. He works long hours, and so do you caring for your baby. You need to find your anger before you end up in a lifetime of servicing this man at your own, and childs' expense.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid

This is coercion! He is literally saying your thoughts on your reasons for not doing what he wants you to do are not right.

I am doing my best to keep it to at least once a week

For him. Not for you I assume? And he does what for you? Nothing.

Abuse is not always shouting.

You’ve described abusive behaviour, discrediting you, not respecting your boundaries and causing an atmosphere. Unwanted groping is sexual abuse.

Abusive men rely on your denial. I understand it’s easier to tell yourself he just doesn’t get it rather than he’s abusive. But you need to find your anger about this. Stop letting him gaslight you with the bullshit he doesn’t understand. You know that’s not true or you wouldn’t have posted here. Offer to have the health visitor explain it to him and watch him blow his top.

I agree that it is coercion but I don't think this makes our whole relationship abusive? I am genuinely very happy in our relationship, this has only been an issue for a few weeks so I don't want to throw everything away over this. Especially now we have a baby together.

The coercion is a form of abuse. Abuse does not have to be present in all its forms, and at all times, to make it abuse.

For me; this would come down to how conversations about this issue went.

Tell him - I like XYZ to make me feel sexy. ABC actively turn me off. I enjoy weekly sex currently as I am touched out. Making me feel bad will only push me further away. Stop telling me what I need to do to solve the problem you have - start looking at how you can solve this dh.

And see how these talks go.

Ultimately, he is using a recognised form of abuse on you, and denying it, and not listening to your problem in the relationship. That's a big deal.

Wait until this evening, then show him this thread!
He's a selfish ba*rd sex pest who should be doing everything he can to make you feel better about yourself, not putting pressure on you for sex

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I'm going to talk to him tonight about this and see what he says.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · Today 12:34

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. Tell him graphically if you have to how the birth was for you & the last thing you need is to be having sex. Like PP’s have said tell him everything about why you are just not interested. He needs to understand it is physiological as well as emotional.

I had one of these men. Thankfully I never had a child with him. We discussed it once though. He stated that he wouldn't be prepared to wait for my body to recover before having sex. The solution was that we would be having anal sex from birth until my recovery. He even suggested that we start doing it now so that I'd be 'used to it' when the time came...............

Men like this can't hear it when a woman says no. They coerce, punish, bully, assault and rape their partners. He knows why OP doesn't want sex. He doesn't need to be told. He'll reject every reason because he doesn't care about anything other than getting his needs met.

Just tell him no, you don't have to give a reason. You've just had a baby and don't feel like it is a good enough reason! Tell him that him pressuring you makes you even less likely to feel like it. He needs to grow up and realise that you are still adjusting to being a new mum, not getting enough sleep and your body is still recovering.

Please don't show him the thread. I cant imagine that going well. I just hope you can have a good conversation, probably one of many.

Any type or amount of abuse is completely unacceptable. If I made you a cup of tea and said it only contained 1% shit, would you drink it?

Definitely not going to show him this thread!! He would be devastated and I don't think it accurately reflects our relationship.

I’m sorry OP, it must be really hard to hear this when you haven’t thought of it in this way before.

If you agree and can see that this is abusive/coercive behaviour,
but in your view your husband is an “abusive man” and your whole relationship isn’t abusive,

then you should be able to tell him. “Look this is abusive/coercive and not OK. It must stop now” and when you tell him it will stop, right??

Problem solved.

But if he doesn’t stop, then what would you call the relationship then?