How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

[Ohnomychiapudding]

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

I would say to him 'it's perfectly normal to want less sex after having a baby. It's exhausting beyond belief. If you need more, then you need to masturbate rather than pressure me for more sex. It's not right and it's not fair, and it kills my libido. A lot of men would be grateful for once a week. You're really upsetting me with this pressure.'

But what concerns me is you NEED help expressing your views in the 'right' way' -- it suggests to me that he's a bully and you're scared of his reaction.

You shouldn't need an 'argument' to want less sex. You have bodily autonomy, which this twat doesn't seem to get.

Oh and I'd also add that the more he does with the baby and the more housework he does the more you might feel like it. He sounds pathetic.

I think you have been quite clear and from now on a straight "I don't want to have sex" is enough. You don't have to justify your reasons.

And once a week when you have a young baby is a lot.

He is basically saying he used to be able to talk you into it when you said no, now you stand your ground more. His life hasn’t been affected much by the baby, you do 99% of the work, plus you’re affected by hormones. Most women don’t want a lot of sex when breastfeeding. He should realise your priority right now is your baby, nourishing her and catering to all her needs. If he pulled his weight a bit more you might feel less exhausted and maybe be more interested. He needs to accept that the baby is the priority right now, and he can sort himself out until she is a little older. I mean once a week is pretty good, he can sort himself out inbetween.

He clearly doesn’t care if you actually want sex at all, even if he knows you don’t really want it, but relent he is happy with that. Pretty grim.

I think what you've said there about needs vs wants is perfect. No need to edit anything, you're perfectly capable of saying exactly what the issue is. The problem isn't what or how you're saying things...its that he's not listening to you and making it all about himself

Firstly @Ohnomychiapudding sex is a want not a need.

You are struggling to meet your own and the baby's actual needs at the moment, food, drink, sleep.

You are struggling to meet wants that are much higher priority than sex, hygiene, order, downtime, fun, laughter.

You are responsible for a baby as well as yourself and your H is not even managing to look after himself and his wants.

Does he really not understand what's changed after the baby? Was he at the birth? Has he met the baby?

He honestly needs to leave you the fuck alone, unless he has anything helpful to add, or you are in danger of being turned off him for life.

If you're texting then tell him

No is not the start of a negotiation process where you nag or argue me into giving in, it's the end of the discussion.

Christ the bar just gets lower and lower…

This that you have said about needs. And pp point that he says he is so exhausted from work that he can’t help you with anything around the house or with the baby, but he has energy for sex is him telling you that his wants are far more important than anything you want or need.

He isn’t hearing you on this, either because he doesn’t want to, or because he thinks he shouldn’t have to, because if he does he has to confront some unpleasant behaviour on his part and accept that he won’t get his own way whenever he wants something.

He has brushed aside your suggestions for (emotional) intimacy & connection, and refers to a time when you didn’t have a newborn as if it’s an equivalent life stage. He is not at all in tune with you, he doesn’t respect you as a person (just as a sex object) and I worry that he will start looking elsewhere for sex and then blaming you for that. I hope he bucks up his ideas but I don’t think he feels for you the way you feel for him.

Did you tell him that nagging, whining, sulking and arguing to get sex are forms of abuse? Did you tell him what it’s called when a woman has sex when she doesn’t want to?

Thank you everyone. This is all very helpful! And vindicating. I feel so strongly in the moment and then a few hours later I wonder if I'm being unreasonable or mean so it's good to keep myself angry.

"No is not the start of a negotiation process where you nag or argue me into giving in, it's the end of the discussion." This is definitely something I need to say. Thank you,@Shoxfordian

Yes, forget about the big explanations. Just say a NO - I feel XXX right now, sorry.

Would it help for you both to go in to see your GP? They could explain to your DH that it's not odd for either partner to want less sex for various reasons.
Can you source reading leaflets for husband?

Do you want to remedy the reasons for not enjoying sex like you once did? Do you need to sleep more? (Husband could tend to baby more in the mornings.) Do you have injury from birth that needs medical attention? Do you need to spend more time to yourself feeling free and expressive? (Can husband walk the baby around the block for an hour every day?) Do you need to nurture other areas of your relationship to ensure that you feel like initiating intimacy with DH?
Are there hobbies you used to enjoy?

It is worthwhile having a healthy and loving sex life, voluntarily, and it is understandable that your DH is missing that closeness. He needs to be more patient and informed.

It’s amazing isn’t it that a man can get to the age where he’s married and had a child and still Not understand that 1. No means no 2. That no woman has ever been nagged, argued or sulked into feeling aroused. 3. No means no.

Oh, OP. Your posts make me sad.
I wonder if him pestering you for sex before you had the baby made you feel wanted?
Not much I can add that others haven’t said already.
Please say that you are on maternity leave and have a good job?

I feel so strongly in the moment and then a few hours later I wonder if I'm being unreasonable or mean so it's good to keep myself angry.

When I was like this it was a sign I was being gaslit and undermined and manipulated (by several people, throughout my life). I never felt I was reasonable because nobody had ever respected my autonomy and right to my feelings. I hope that isn’t true for you OP.

Thank you, I do want to have our sex life back to normal but I think the solution right now is just time honestly.

I am going to find some articles in breastfeeding hormones to send to him.

To all your other questions: I'm doing okay-ish for sleep, enough to survive but not thrive yet. It's slowly getting better as our baby sleeps longer. My husband is gone from 5am in the morning so it's not an option for him to take baby then. He does have some take off coming up next month so I can talk to him about splitting the baby duties more fairly then.

I did tear during birth and had stitches so I'm self conscious of how everything looks down there. I've had medical attention and everything is fine physically, it's just cosmetic.

Definitely do need more time to myself and to pick up some more hobbies but I think that will come with more time and as our baby becomes more predictable. She doesn't have a solid feeding routine yet.

This is incredibly upsetting to read.

OP, please don't let him treat you this way. You've just had A FUCKING BABY.

All he's interested in is MANIPULATING you into having sex when you said no.

Your last response is giving hope that you won't continue to put up with this 🤞.

A friend rings and tells you this story . What is your advice?

It seems you've glossed over mentions of rape, sexual coersion, abuse etc. Your denial is coming over strongly as to what this is I'm afraid. Sex is not something you negotiate. He should be feeling absolute shame at his disgusting selfish behaviour 🤮.

Find your anger and Strength here. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me but then I've been r*d, and abused.

I have to name change now, I didn't want to say that last sentence on my username. And I can barely say the R word. This is how bloody upset I feel For you. Please take care, accept only the best. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

You're all going to think I'm very stupid when I say that I gave up my job and moved to another country when I married my husband. I did get a job here but I wasn't employed long enough to be entitled to maternity leave.

I am not vulnerable in that way though. I have my own savings and I could leave anytime I wanted to. My husband is actually very very good with splitting his paychecks fairly, often more in my favour.

I think my question is, why isn't he as drained and tired as you are? I breastfed ours but both of us were too tired for anything other than a quicky every few weeks because we were both in the trenches. He really shouldn't be making you feel like this. My eldest DD's dad did the same and when I look back I realise how awful it was.

I could leave anytime I wanted to

He could very well prevent you taking his child back to your home country.

I mean leave to somewhere else in this country. I am happy living here.

I don't think he would try to stop me going back to my own country though, if that is what I did want to do. I am already taking her back to visit my family in a couple of months.

Oh OP, I’m sorry but this latest revelation really doesn’t help matters.

Tell me, is the country you’re in one with equivalent rights for women to the U.K.?

Yes. Possibly better than the UK for women's rights.

You need to have a conversation with him about it that isn't in response to his advances. Spell it out to him that for now you want it less often and you find the constant dissection of your reasons why very offputting and it's adding unnecessary pressure. Tell him you'll instigate when you feel in the mood but aside from that right now you just want to be left in peace. He really should be able to understand you've had enough of him hassling you and he'll likely get more of what he wants and a much happier dw if he let's you steer the ship for a while.