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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I talk to my husband about this? Not wanting as much sex postpartum

162 replies

Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 10:35

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

OP posts:
Comfortablycosy · 17/02/2025 13:33

I agree that it is coercion but I don't think this makes our whole relationship abusive? I am genuinely very happy in our relationship, this has only been an issue for a few weeks so I don't want to throw everything away over this. Especially now we have a baby together.

Abuse often starts when a baby is born.

If you don’t want to split up you need to come down hard on it now. Tell him there’s no more coercing, moods or groping. No means No and if he can’t respect that he needs to leave and you will tell people why. Tell him he has seriously harmed your marriage and trust by coercing you and having moods.

I hope he stops and is sincerely apologetic. But you will always have to be on the lookout for abusive behaviour creeping in, and you’ll always know he selfishly tried to coerce you when you were vulnerable.

Original poster
Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 13:34

Smokesandeats · 17/02/2025 13:28

Any type or amount of abuse is completely unacceptable. If I made you a cup of tea and said it only contained 1% shit, would you drink it?

Show quote history

Obviously not but our relationship is not a cup of tea. I'm not immediately going to throw away years of good, happy times over 6 weeks.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 17/02/2025 13:35

Oftentimes men can seem perfectly pleasant. Deeper scrutiny of your good times might just show that he is kind and happy and not abusive based solely on the fact that you (unconsciously) act a specific way because you know he will huff and puff and "its just not worth it" to act off what you want.

It might be worth thinking about this today, about how much you adjust your own behaviours even subconsciously, to keep "the peace".

Oneflightdown · 17/02/2025 13:36

when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid

As others have said, you are describing sexual coercion - which is illegal. This man does not think you have the right to not have sex with him if he wants it. He has no respect for you as an individual human being who is just as important as him. You exist to serve him, in his eyes.

As ever, the initial situation is the tip of the iceberg. One nappy a day on weekends only, so two a week!? My husband changes ALL of the nappies when he's not at home because he knows I do them all when he's at work! He also has a very responsible, difficult job with long hours (think surgeon), if that is relevant.

Your ideas about how a decent man behaves are way, way off, OP. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about all of this?

Chonk · 17/02/2025 13:42

Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 11:06

Thank you for the reply. I would also feel differently if he wasn't getting any sex at all but I am doing my best to keep it to at least once a week.

Generally, no, he's not very helpful around the house but he does work long hours. He only change nappies on weekends and only one a day, which I'm not happy with though.

Show quote history

Has he literally declared that he'll only change 2 nappies a week? No matter how hard he works outside of the home, this is unacceptable.

JimHalpertsWife · 17/02/2025 13:45

when I try and turn him down

What do you mean by try and turn him down? How many times have you had sex following you trying to turn him down? Any number greater than zero is seriously concerning.

username299 · 17/02/2025 13:47

You often find out you're in an abusive relationship when you say no.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 13:49

Coercive sex is rape, is a crime.

He is treating you like a lump of meat.
You are very vulnerable that you cannot see this.

Good men to not pester their wives for sex post partum.

Abusive men do.
Be very very careful because he doesn't sound like a good man.

Keep family and friends close and return to work.

You may well get really turned off him because of his sexual coercion and the relationship will not survive this.

Sexual coercion is rape, is a crime.
Remember that.

Smokesandeats · 17/02/2025 14:02

Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 13:34

Obviously not but our relationship is not a cup of tea. I'm not immediately going to throw away years of good, happy times over 6 weeks.

Show quote history

It wouldn’t be you throwing the relationship away, it’s him. He’s the one being sexually coercive because he’s utterly selfish.

  1. He thinks he’s entitled to your body whenever he feels like it
  2. He doesn’t actually care how you feel or if you want sex with him
  3. He thinks he’s doing enough by going to work and earning money
  4. He isn’t really interested in being an equal parent with you
Cakeandcardio · 17/02/2025 14:19

If he has energy for sex more than once a week then I think he isn't doing enough to help you with the baby!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 14:39

Velvian · 17/02/2025 10:39

He sounds like a bully and I think you're doing pretty well once a week with a small baby. Do you want to give him BJs? I don't think you should be doing that at all tbh.

It will just have to be a no with no reasons if he's going to be doing that.

Just curious as to why you think she should not be doing that at all tbh (BJ)?

Velvian · 17/02/2025 15:00

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 14:39

Just curious as to why you think she should not be doing that at all tbh (BJ)?

Show quote history

I find it extremely degrading. I'm aware I'm a total outlier on that opinion. I had a relationship as a teen with quite extreme sexual abuse, as a result it is a never for me. I must admit, I find it hard to imagine it as anything other than degrading to women. Particularly for OP when she needs to drive home the message that she is not a sex doll to pander to his whims.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 17/02/2025 15:08

AviationGeek · 17/02/2025 13:26

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · Today 12:34

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. Tell him graphically if you have to how the birth was for you & the last thing you need is to be having sex. Like PP’s have said tell him everything about why you are just not interested. He needs to understand it is physiological as well as emotional.

I had one of these men. Thankfully I never had a child with him. We discussed it once though. He stated that he wouldn't be prepared to wait for my body to recover before having sex. The solution was that we would be having anal sex from birth until my recovery. He even suggested that we start doing it now so that I'd be 'used to it' when the time came...............

Men like this can't hear it when a woman says no. They coerce, punish, bully, assault and rape their partners. He knows why OP doesn't want sex. He doesn't need to be told. He'll reject every reason because he doesn't care about anything other than getting his needs met.

@AviationGeek I am really sorry you had to go through that experience. It must have been terrifying to think that is what life could have been like if you had a family with him.

Men like that should just be castrated, they add no value to the world.

Perseimmion · 17/02/2025 15:17

Velvian · 17/02/2025 15:00

I find it extremely degrading. I'm aware I'm a total outlier on that opinion. I had a relationship as a teen with quite extreme sexual abuse, as a result it is a never for me. I must admit, I find it hard to imagine it as anything other than degrading to women. Particularly for OP when she needs to drive home the message that she is not a sex doll to pander to his whims.

Show quote history

You are not alone with that view.

JimHalpertsWife · 17/02/2025 15:34

Perseimmion · 17/02/2025 15:17

You are not alone with that view.

Show quote history

I wonder if he is as generous returning the favour with her?

Lou205 · 17/02/2025 15:42

You can't talk to him about this so he understands OP. If you could you'd have managed it by now. The problem is he's not interested in understanding.

Newmumhere40 · 17/02/2025 15:45

Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 10:35

My husband and I have recently had our first baby, she is 16 weeks old today. We've been having sex roughly once a week, since 10 weeks pp and the occasional blowjob. Sorry for being graphic 🙈.

Our issue is that my husband wants more sex and when I try and turn him down, he'll pick apart my reasons for saying no and make me feel like they're not valid.

For example, I'll tell him I haven't managed to shower yet today and I don't like to have sex when I don't feel clean, and he'll just say it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't care that I'm not showered. Or I'll tell him I'm just not in the mood right now and he'll tell me that he thinks it's a confidence issue and I would feel in the mood if I felt better about myself. Occasionally it is because I don't feel sexy and he'll tell me I can do something to make myself feel sexy like putting on some lingerie.

We just go round and round whilst he tries to discredit my reasons, which makes me feel even less like having sex honestly. I try to explain to him that postpartum and breastfeeding hormones affect libido and sometimes I just don't want to and that's it's nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it and tells me I'm the same as I was before the baby but I'm just not.

We've just had a 10 minute conversation/argument about it in the kitchen and now he's grumpy. How do I talk to him about this so he understands??

What a dick, I'm 5 weeks pp and there is NO WAY my partner would speak to me like that!! Are you not angry?

Newmumhere40 · 17/02/2025 15:46

Ohnomychiapudding · 17/02/2025 11:06

Thank you for the reply. I would also feel differently if he wasn't getting any sex at all but I am doing my best to keep it to at least once a week.

Generally, no, he's not very helpful around the house but he does work long hours. He only change nappies on weekends and only one a day, which I'm not happy with though.

Show quote history

Wow....he just gets better and better..

Nothatgingerpirate · 17/02/2025 16:06

Another one.
Fucking revolting, most of them.
Glad my husband is 75 and doesn't "demand" this shit.
This would put me off him for good, I'm afraid.
I never gave a blow job to anyone, btw.
Everyone is different.

Summerhillsquare · 17/02/2025 16:45

You're doing it once a week, in discomfort, plus other sex acts and he's still not happy!? Fucking hell he's unreasonable. When I was married with no kids we only did it once a week (his preference but I never pushed or sulked). What a selfish sod, at best.

I note you quietly accept his explanations for no more housework, but he doesn't accept yours for no more sex. That speaks volumes as to the power imbalance, IMO.

Vaxtable · 17/02/2025 18:11

You literally scream at him to stop bullying you into doing something you don’t want to do and does he really think raping you is the answer as that’s what he had going by big listening to you.

then you tell him to take a good look on the internet as to what happens to woman’s body and hormones after having a child

then you tell him that him sulking is a big turn off and he can go away

hotnotgrot · 17/02/2025 18:28

Op, your DH is too tired to help out with the baby, but not too tired to pressure you into sex? Do you see how pathetic this sounds?

Does your husband understand female desire and care about you? Women are not just vessels to put a penis into.

StopStartStop · 17/02/2025 18:55

I also don't have an issue just saying no to him but then he's down and the atmosphere is just not nice. I guess I'll maybe just have to accept that though.
This not nothing, and you should not accept it. It is coercion. He is making it difficult for you to say no to his sexual advances, when you don't want sex.

Original poster
Ohnomychiapudding · 18/02/2025 05:41

Can anyone help me with my response to this? I'm so bad at articulating myself in arguments. I have so many jumbled thoughts and I can't organise them into a coherent argument.

I did talk to him about it last night but I still don't think he really understands why I'm upset. He did try and say sorry at the end of the conversation but I don't want him to apologise until he fully gets why and what behaviour he needs to change.

His points were that:

•He feels upset because he feels the most intimate and close to me when we have sex and he misses that connection.

(I countered this by saying that we could be intimate and spend time together in different ways, like cuddling, kissing, watching a movie together, but he said this wasn't the same.)

•I used to be more responsive to his cajoling so he doesn't know why that has changed or why I am now getting upset about it when I didn't pre-baby.

(This is true but I was also just more ready for sex pre-baby. I was usually on top of being showered and self-care stuff, relaxed, well-rested, not touched out and a normal libido)

•The conversation ended with him saying that he "guesses we both have different needs right now"

( This really fucked me off tbh because I'm already taking care of all the actual needs of our baby and myself. I don't have the headspace to take of his "needs" right now. It just makes it clear to me how different our priorities are right now. My needs are showering everyday, getting enough time to eat, getting as much sleep as possible, keeping the house in a reasonable state etc. sex doesn't even cross my mind as a need right now. It's something I'll want when all the needs are met.)

That was about everything. It wasn't a very long conversation because we were interrupted by baby stuff. I didn't get to say everything I wanted because everything in my head was a mess. The baby brain is making me feel so dumb lol.

If anyone can help, I'd really appreciate it! I'm going to write it out and send to him. We communicate better over text because I can say everything I want in one go.

OP posts:
TuesdayRubies · 18/02/2025 06:29

He sounds like a twit. Once a week is great with a baby. If you're BF, that in particular kills libido -- I still only manage once a week now with my BF 18 month old. My husband has never once made me feel bad for not wanting sex, and rightly so. He needs to get real.